More writing synchronicity

I’m currently writing the prequel to my novel Dal Segno which tells the story of Cam and Sharon getting together. It’s been quite the adventure to shift backwards and figure out who these characters were as 18 and 19 year olds. Spoiler alert, there’s a lot more sex in this book. Anyway…

What’s been interesting is seeing how drastically different the character of Sharon is from what I first imagined. As I mentioned, perhaps not super explicitly, but she is loosely based on my dear friend and apparently prior life spouse Susan. I had a few false starts on this novel but am feeling good about where I am now, which is almost 22,000 words in.

A few days ago I had a dream where Sharon pulls Cam aside and shows her tickets to WWF wrestling. It was such an unexpected thing to dream about but why not? We were occasionally provided the opportunity to attend events at a discount, so that was feasible.

Then, two or three days ago I was talking to a friend of Sarah’s who was at Cherry Point around the same time. She’s helping me with research on Avionics training so I can make their story realistic. Anyway, I couldn’t remember when Susan was also there, so I googled her to find the memorial service speech. Thankfully I saved it on her Together We Served page because I didn’t find it anywhere else. This is where I saw things come together.

  1. Susan wrestled in high school on the boys wrestling team. I have asked her family if she ever watched ‘professional’ wrestling and she didn’t. So I believe the message was simple to point out that connection. I intend to play with it in the story, if it fits.
  2. Susan’s husband’s name was Warren. When I originally named Cam, the only Warren I knew was from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And he was an evil fuck who killed an amazing character, so it’s not a name I have a good association with. I feel like Susan nudged me toward that name as a signal that she was involved in helping me with this book.
  3. Reading the description of Susan in the obit, overall, read so much like Sharon. I know they were generic adjectives, but it just felt like I had intuitively picked up on the important elements for this character.

It’s going to sound really silly, but considering I literally burst into tears when the thought hit me, I don’t want to dismiss it as wishful thinking. My best understanding is that Susan is giving me closure in a completely different way in this lifetime by giving us a proxy story through this book.

It’s really quite the mind fuck to wrap my head around these timelines and lives. I’m trying really hard not to be too distracted from this life while I sort out this other life. It’s quite the journey and I hope the book is enjoyable for everyone else who reads it.

My first akashic reading

I was so lucky to get an akashic record reading from Erin, a local woman in the Denver metro area. We’re in a few groups together I think and I’m so lucky to have met her. I highly recommend her. She can do readings over skype, which is what I did due to logistics, so if this sounds at all interesting, reach out.

FB: https://www.facebook.com/EtherealCultivation/

Website: https://www.etherealcultivation.com/

Onto the important stuff, for me at least. I went into this not ever doing a reading like this. I know of the records, I know there are ways to access them, but never had luck myself.

I chose to start with the cause of so much financial struggle. When she answers it’s actual a channeling of Akashic record keepers so I’m glad I took notes and recorded it. It boiled down to me being too in my head. The struggle is entirely my own fault, getting in my own way. They talked about being ungrounded. While I’ve developed my higher chakras very well, I hadn’t developed my lower ones. They mentioned a chakra I never heard of called the Earth Star Chakra. It’s located about a foot below the feet. They led me through a guided meditation to create an anchor with it, grounding me into the earth instead of just to the surface of it.

I will write up the details later when I can transcribe, but it involves creating a loop around the solar plexus chakra, then take that bar down and around the next two chakras, and then down into the earth until hitting that earth star chakra. Then visualize the sides of the anchor coming out, keeping me firmly grounded deep into the earth. There were a few more details, but just doing that should be enough for a decent anchor honestly.

Talk about a powerful grounding process! I instantly felt better. Now, as soon as I catch myself worrying or stressing I focus on that anchor. It pulls me back and eases everything up immediately. I haven’t had time to spend on those lower chakras since, but it’s ok.

They also reiterated that I am taken care of. I’m not meant to struggle, so to have faith. I’ve heard this before. I’ve told myself this before, but there’s something about higher level beings saying it that makes it easier to believe. Which isn’t how faith is supposed to work, but whatever. 😀

Then, I had time left, and out of all the questions I could ask, I decided to ask about Susan. She’s been on my mind a lot as I write my novel, which I haven’t even discussed in my blog. Spoiler alert: Writing a novel. It’s 80% done. And I took inspiration from an alternate history of Susan and I. What if we had met in Pensacola and got together? And then she still died? That’s all in the back story. It got rather emotional in the writing process, but that’s to be read.

With Susan on my mind, and the constant reminder that thinking about her will make me tear up every time, I asked. Poorly. I couldn’t even form the question properly because it’s so hard for me to put words to. How does a person you knew for all of a month have such a long lasting impact? Now I know. And I had no clue until I asked.

I haven’t listened to the recording again, so some of this might not be exactly right, but I couldn’t take notes during this section as it was too intense. Even now, it’s very hard to control the emotions and I’ve worked through a lot of this since the reading last week.

I don’t know the time period, but the last lifetime Susan and I were together we had a beautiful family. But Susan died younger (again), leaving me to raise multiple (possibly 4, need to listen again) kids on my own. She was needed somewhere else for something super important and knew I would be ok. (This theme in my lives needs to be a whole separate blog post because, come the fuck on? Why do I do this to myself repeatedly?)

Her death broke my heart, though I did succeed in raising the kids to be awesome people. I don’t know more than that, on the kid front. That heartbreak carried into this life, and who knows what others. I didn’t ask. Maybe that’s one of those questions only linear brains ask because time isn’t real. In any case, this heartbreak is what I suspect causes me to grieve relationships more than I should, making me cry when I’m not all that sad.

It also keeps me from fully connecting, which is interesting. I mentioned just a bit of this to my wife and she says she doesn’t feel like I’m holding anything back. But I wonder how this will change once I’ve healed this? Because I do feel the difference in how deeply I can love and express that love to my daughter vs adults. I wonder if that’s part of it?

(Taking my 3rd break already during this post to regain my composure because writing and crying in a coffee shop is not fun.)

So, at this point in the reading Susan shows up and I’m totally gone now, crying harder than I have in memory. To help start the healing I’m going to call it a care bear stare, as she blasted me with whatever I needed for healing. Then we finished up, things felt a little better, but it was a lot to take in.

That was on Thursday. Friday I drove to northern Colorado for a sales consultation. On the way back I stopped at an open space because I knew I needed to work on this more with her and hoped being in nature would help. I only wish I can prepared better for it. More tissues. Shorts. Realizing 3.8 miles on uneven terrain in 90+ degree heat was beyond my comfort level. But, I did it anyway. At least I had plenty of water.

Over the course of that time I was alone, completely, for all but the first 10 minutes. So I walked, and talked out loud, and cried, and laughed at the absurdity of my lives. I saw the parallels between that life and my life now with my wife. I tried to imagine what I felt in that prior life that I have no cognitive memory of and let the grief just happen, knowing she was there to fill me back up with love. I asked for the intensity to dial back when it got to be too much, then would dive back in when I felt I could handle it again. This repeated for about an hour and a half. I was cursing the damn sun and hill by the end, as I was getting a bit overheated, but I don’t regret the decision. I accomplished more healing in that time than I could have anywhere else.

I finally texted my wife the basic jist of it afterwards but still haven’t talked about it. She’s not doing well lately and I can’t do it without crying. And really, this is mine. This is my shit to heal so I’m better in this life and can go forward to the next clear. It’s very possible that next lifetime will be with Susan again, since my wife is probably going to take a break from the physical. In any case, our paths will continue to cross. Healing this will make all my future relationships better.

Now, the mystery is solved. Susan came into my life at a time when neither of us could be together, just long enough to set in motion this awareness ages later. So I’m not a complete and utter idiot, I just needed to heal a deep emotional wound from someone in my soul family. Being a human would be much easier if we just knew this shit instead of wondering for a decade or more.

Now, let’s play the synchronicity game.

  1. Songs. I always associated Pink’s Who Knew was always about Susan to me. Then, today I heard Mary Lambert’s When You Sleep and it almost destroyed me. Ok, that’s an exaggeration but seriously, this song is us. The bridge simply repeats “How did I miss you, when I didn’t know you?” It gave me chills, and lots of tears.
  2. I started reading Gift of Time by Robin Alexander. Two women are facing their traumatic past life together. It gets a lot more complicated than this, but of all the books, that’s the one I chose right before this reading and finished on Saturday.
  3. My book. In my book, the MC, Cam, loses her wife 5 years earlier and is taking a year to just heal and decide what to do as she turns 40. It’s a romance, so of course she meets someone which gives her the incentive to accelerate the healing process. She does this by purposely reliving the past, pain included, to face her fear of losing someone again. In the story she does that in the safety of her apartment. Since I don’t live alone I did it in wide open spaces but with no one around. But still, how is a story that came from a snippet of a dream turning into things I’m actively working on in my life? Easy, this is where I’m supposed to be, and my guides are badass and making sure I’m getting where I need to be.
  4. Oh, how did I find the Mary Lambert song is worth a separate bullet point. Yesterday, Melody asked to listen to Halsey like she always does in the car. Then, after our 5th or 6th time through My Ghost, she asked for She Keeps Me Warm. I don’t have it on my phone, so looked it up. It’s Mary Lambert and available on amazon music unlimited. So I downloaded all of her albums and just hit play on the most recent one. That lead to today’s discovery of When You Sleep. Who told Melody to request it, I wonder?

There are probably more that I can add when I remember them. Right now I’m just trying to control when this healing occurs. I’m finding times to purposely work on it, when I can safely process or experience it. And maybe, someday, I can think of her without crying.

So this is my life currently. I’m writing a book, making sense of my own past life stuff, with the current life stuff, while trying to also be an engaged mom and wife. All of which would be easy if I didn’t need to make money. Thank God for this new anchor.

For simplicity, I’ll link back to prior posts to fill in the backstory, though one is private. I doubt I could read it yet. But for public consumption:

https://butchjax.wordpress.com/2006/11/10/in-memoriam-susan-giesemann/

https://butchjax.wordpress.com/2007/02/03/hunches-confirmedquestions-of-loss/

https://butchjax.wordpress.com/2012/05/30/process-of-grief/

https://butchjax.wordpress.com/2014/07/30/visitors/

I hope to have a post before long with resolution of healing. But who knows. Healing is a funny thing. For now I’m grateful to know what I want to heal.

I absolutely intend to do another reading, once I have the emotional energy to deal with more intensity.

 

Edited to add: I forgot about one thing I noticed during this process. No matter how intense the release of emotions was, I never actually felt it. I felt zero pain. It’s like watching someone scream on a video with the mute on. I knew they were screaming but never had the sensation of it. I knew my face showed my pain, but I didn’t experience the pain at all.

I just asked my friend Shamus about it, because I suspected this was not normal. (And all the normal people reading this just probably said, no shit that’s not normal. lol)

Here’s what he passed onto me from his guides.

“The answer I was just given was you’ve spent a life time blocking yourself off from emotion because it was easier. You can’t expect the walls to come down in a day. You’ve begun dismantling them but it will take time. Keep persevering. The image is more like ice thinning in the heat.”

So I have that to look forward to? Do I have to? Shit, now I wonder if that’s why I shut down so young! If I came in with this heartbreak, and then the world kept stomping on my heart, coupled with an autistic brain, that could easily overwhelm a child. And now my whole life looks completely different. Wow… I could be wrong, but it’s a new possibility I never imagined. Another layer of the onion.

Late new moon ritual

I finally chose the focus for the growing moon – ease. Ease in business, my body, my relationships, my interactions, etc. Not reactive to the world and stressing, but being more fully me.

I came to this after having two interactions yesterday with an ease that never has never really been there before. None of them were huge, but they were surprising improvements. One was the adorable manager at the store I work in. The other was a random person at the store who looked male but really seemed to read queer to me. Trans? In any case, I get shy around people like me. The more like me the more shy I get. It’s dumb but it is something I haven’t released yet. So, when I noticed I casually said hello it stood out. Whatever is changing they are baby steps. Today I went back to being awkward. Lol

Tonight’s grid was interesting. The outer ring was for protection and removing of negativity. Clockwise from the top (north): labradorite, carnelian, Black tourmaline (facing away), moonstone (facing toward), smoky quartz. In the middle is chrysocola and aquamarine. They support the ease I desire.

I played with the order of stones but this is what worked. I like this one.

I forgot to mention I could really feel when the energy of the ritual kicked up. I suspect what I felt was my main guide showing up. I am not great at distinguishing entities. But that was cool.

Bringing in 2018

(something glitched and this didn’t post. Good thing I checked before closing it. Originaly from Jan 4)

2018! And it’s already day 4? lol Life goes so fast, it’s mindblowing. But, I’ve approached it totally differently.
I worked through Christmas Eve, and then just chilled. The mother-in-law went into the hospital for pneumonia Christmas Eve, so rather than try to push through everything by working and watching the kiddo, I decided to just read books and hang out with family. I drove Uber a bit on Thursday and Friday, but my wife needed my help as well due to health issues. So I tried not to stress or worry. Lots of people were taking this time off anyway. My intuition didn’t freak out about it either, so it was a good choice. :-) And that choice lead to very interesting results.

I normally read a lot of non-fiction, self development books. But I’ve been feeling a pull to read fiction more to help my wife with her writing. I saw a post that were the 100 lesbian books to read and the very first book in the list grabbed my attention. So I looked it up, read the free preview, and liked it. Then I realized it was on Kindle Unlimited, which has a free 30 day trial. I signed up for that, then realized there was a free audiobook pairing if I signed up for the romance package on audible – again a free trial. And since then I have gone through at least 8 of Bridget Essex’s books which are all lesbian fantasy romances, with knights from other lands, werewolves, vampires and witches. Feel good stories that are amusing and interesting. I also read a cute book called Villians Don’t Date Heroes, which wasn’t nearly as good, but started me on this journey of lesser known books. In one of the last books I read, the main character is a normal witch living in an abnormal place. But what I realized as she would talk about rituals and the connections is that I actually wanted that. Not the details of it, but a spiritual practice that connected me to the larger energies of the moon and earth. So that lead me to my most recent endeavor.

It’s been years since I read anything witchy, so my memory was too hazy to know where to start. So I went online and started asking questions of my various pagan friends. I know I don’t want to do normal ritual. Calling a circle and all that just isn’t my thing. But I know there’s a lot of energy available to amplify my intention. So I received some good information, mostly about trusting my intuition, since I was being pulled in this direction. Tonight I did my first ‘ritual’, even though it’s a few days past the full moon. Here’s what I did.

First, I cleaned my office. I just couldn’t do ritual work in the mess. It’s not super organized, but the floor is cleaned up and well vacuumed, the general clutter is out of sight, and I had room to set up. Then I pulled down my salt lamp, which I turned on. I was told the colors of the full moon are white, blue and orange, so I chose 3 stones that matched from my collection: orange calcite, white quartz, lapis lazuli (egg shaped), and a selenite egg that I held in my hands throughout. I also added a nice big chunk of labradorite. Then I sat before them. First I took a few breaths, clearing my mind. Then I did an MBO for ease in releasing self judgment, which is what I’m focusing on releasing in the waning moon. I believe then that I called upon Luna, the Moon, and Gaia, the Earth, along with my spirit guides, to aid me with their energies with what I was trying to accomplish. I didn’t call upon any gods or goddesses, as that isn’t really my thing either. I had a nice little chat, felt the energy humming, and when I felt complete I did a bow. It felt very good to do something more purposeful than just saying a quick MBO. Then I put my primary stones in the basket of the salt lamp (it’s a basket of chunks of salt) and put it all away. Based on these results I plan to do this daily when possible to reinforce the intention and give me some connection time. I also have the moon phases in my calendar so I can now when to shift focus and pick a new one. I may try to do a longer ritual on those days, but I’m not worrying about it.

Another nudge my intuition gave was to make another lightsaber bracelet, after watching The Last Jedi twice. I felt like I needed the reminder again, given how challenging life has been. These bracelets take me about 4 hours to make. I could do it faster but the quality would suffer. And since I’ll wear this constantly for months I don’t want to sacrifice quality. Now if I can just take the time to make a how-to video I can check that off my list. I have been enjoying having it on.

The energies have been really odd the last few days. I find myself humming a lot. I don’t know what is all happening, but I’m assuming it’s changes that need to happen. It’s causing my appetite to be all weird. And sleep has been a challenge. But I’m trusting that it’s for the best. I mean, just getting nudges to do things for my spiritual life is a welcome change so it seems to be a good thing.

Business is starting to pick up. It’s looking like two projects are moving forward now, with potentially some others soon. I also met a guy who seems very nice and very interested in being an installer. He will be learning from my current installers and then should be a great way to simplify my project schedules. And we’re going to do our best to get into the home and garden show this year. Hopefully that makes for a great year of projects for us! And then with enough projects we have the money to invest in our own personalized lead generation system which keeps us growing quickly.

So right now, life is a challenge, but it’s looking up. Parenthood is quite the challenge with an almost 3 year old. It caused some major conflict between my wife and I last week. I reached out to friends again, and we have a plan of action. First, potty training. That is likely starting this weekend since we started getting Melody excited for it. This solves the biggest battle of the day – poopy diaper changes which are often painful for her. And I’m reading Happiest Toddler on the Block so I can be a better parent. I keep expecting too much from her cognitively. She’s so intelligent that it’s easy to do. There are so many awesome things about almost 3. Her understanding of holidays like Christmas and her upcoming birthday has been a blast. Her increased language, which was already impressive. Her new ways of playing with toys. It’s a lot of fun. What’s not fun is the other normal things about 3 – pushing limits, whining, etc. That’s where the book comes in. And soon we’re going to transition her to her own bed again and start weaning. It’s really time for me to have my body back completely. And it’s time for my wife and I to have our bed back, even though I love our cuddle times. It’s going to be hard for me to get used to not curling up with her. But it’s necessary. I know it’s not a one and done thing, but it’s time to give it a try again. I have two massive bags of m&ms for bribes. And toys. I think we can do it. lol

So that’s where I’m at right now to start the year. My physical is taking a break, though I’m looking forward to Tuesday night medicinal qigong with a little yoga mixed in. That will complement my Thursday morning qigong as well, so hopefully I start to feel better physically. I started doing the inversion table again, which I set to be more steep. And I am trying Moringa which is supposed to work even better than circumin for inflammation. I only just started, so I will see how I feel after working all weekend. We’re also researching kratom (I think that’s it) for my wife and maybe myself. I’d like to not be in pain so I can start exercising again. I know I could exercise at home, it’s just difficult to fit it in. So it’s going to be in there when I really feel the pull for it, like anything else in my life. :-)

Always a work in progress.

What I’m working on

A year has past since I was laid off and thrown into the self-employed world. Wow! In that time I have created ways to make this work that I hadn’t anticipated. I don’t know how I’ll do it going forward either. But one of the things I’m working on is not knowing the how until it happens. Instead I’m working to be the energy of creation. Creating in all aspects of my life, not from how this reality defines it but in the way that I do it. What’s fun is I get better at it all the time. I can feel that magic and ease. And then it shifts and I can’t. Lol 

Thankfully I’m in multiple classes/calls/groups where I can keep getting different perspectives on this and keep growing. I feel so close to a breakthrough in this area!

Our most exciting area of creation right now started about two weeks ago. My wife is a writer. She resists that label but she is. She’s incredibly insightful about people so she creates characters and dialog that is spot on. Well, something shifted in her and this story demanded to be written. Interestingly enough, it started right after I was working on things in a call to not buy her stories anymore (that’s a complicated thing to describe right now, so if you want to know what that means just ask). She’s now made huge breakthrough’s in a story she’s been trying to write for ages. She bounces ideas off me, I give her different perspectives, and she runs with them. She’s literally listening to these two characters in her head all the time. While it’s a novel and fiction, she’s telling the story of these two women who are alive on some level in her mind, and it’s so exciting. 

Right now it’s still getting to know them and how their story plays out. Big plot points for instance, and how they get together in spite of their issues. But it’s awesome. I’m so excited to read the story of two adult lesbians who aren’t questioning their sexuality or pining after straight women. Just normal people figuring out their lives! I can totally see this as a movie as well, since there’s so much need for lesbian movies that aren’t coming out stories or one of them is straight-ish. 

I have no clue how long this process will take, but it’s going to be a lot of fun to get done and published. I love utilizing my superpower of knowing the next step to keep my wife out of the weeds and in productive writing mode. I hope to work with more creative types in the future as a coach. To help something come into the world is so fun! And I’m not nearly talented enough to write fiction, or songs, or create art myself! At least not at this point in my life. 

Side note, I taught Melody to say “mommy’s a badass” thanks to this new direction. It’s so cute!

So that’s where we are at. I’m working to destroy whatever is limiting my creation of business revenue. Shifting the focus to creating in general and seeing where it leads. 

When books speak

There are some books that have made such a large impact in my life as to completely change it. One series has been the Conversations with God and subsequent books by Neale Donald Walsch. He recently, unexpectedly released Book 4, Awaken the Species. I listened to it on audiobook which was particularly awesome, especially the female God reader. I experienced many times feeling like God was truly speaking to and through me. It was an amazing experience, one that I never once felt in my entire childhood of churchgoing.

I ordered a hard copy of the book because there was so much good information that I can use to teach others. More importantly, it is another perspective on living an awakened life which is very helpful.

I know this is vague but I recommend it to all the spiritually minded folks out there. If you are struggling to be a better person, give this whole series a listen. Stop judging the crap out of yourself and see that you are already doing a great job.

Life, self employed

I’m not sure that self employed is exactly accurate. I don’t have a normal job, that’s for sure. I am self employed with my healing business. I’m paid with commission for solar, which hasn’t had any sales yet. And I’m a consultant with Usborne Books which pays some but not as much as I need. All in all, I’m crazy busy and just not making much money yet. So, what will it take to change that?

One thing I did was start driving for Lyft. This would go better if I had better child care options and didn’t have a toddler overcoming separation anxiety, but I’m making it work. I’ve made a little over $200 in just a few days of driving. Not too bad. I prefer doing just a few long runs and seeing the earnings go up fast rather than a bunch of short runs. It’s a big pain in the ass to take everything (including car seat and mirror) out of the car to drive, but it’s worth it. And it makes me keep my car clean, which is a bonus. lol

Another thing I did was start the process to refinance the house. It will allow me to skip a mortgage payment and maybe even get a little cash back from the escrow and such. I didn’t even think to ask to take out more (duh!) until it was already being drawn up. It’s already going to be a bit more because the cost is folded into the loan. But it can be done quickly, I’m down to a crazy low 3.25% interest rate and save over $100 a month. Every little bit helps at this point! I may have been screwed out of my educational benefits because of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, but the home loan has been a lifesaver twice now. And having medical without having to buy insurance is also super critical. Medicaid eligibility is a huge mess due to having a high income and then practically zero. We just need coverage for Melody, though she doesn’t have any scheduled appointments until she’s 2 which is cool.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for the lack of cash flow I’d be perfectly fine with the current situation. It keeps me looking for new opportunities and expanding my comfort zone every day. Things keep getting better, I just want them faster, which doesn’t help me create.

I’m doing farmer’s markets and vendor events more now. It started with the health fair at a senior community. Another vendor does a small market that I wanted to try. I called the organizer and got in right away. It ends this next Tuesday, but that allowed me to meet other vendors and connect with two other markets. One is Fridays and goes through October and the other is a bit of a drive to Castle Rock but is Wednesday evenings. That’s a more affluent area so I’m hoping to get more sales and connections, not just for books but also solar. And the guy is really interested in having me join with his other idea of pop up paleo events. Basically they are vendor events geared towards crossfit gyms and stuff. So that’s another opportunity with minimal cost (except travel). Plus if I can’t do some I have a recruit for Usborne in Colorado Springs who can perhaps help. So the markets are picking up, even if it’s the end of the season.

This has been the most challenging time of my life, but not in a bad way. In order to pull this off I have to apply my tools like crazy. I fall short every day, but it’s getting better all the time. Hopefully I’ll start writing about these examples more, at least on my facebook page. It would be nice to start getting more clients. 🙂

I better get some sleep. I’m meeting two of my networking colleagues tomorrow and have plenty of phone calls and such to make to try to find some more vendor events.

In the event it takes another month to get back to writing, I’m still working on self care. Tonight I decided to try CBD oil (no THC, so no intoxicating affects). I’m hoping it helps relax my muscles more because my body hurts every day and it isn’t very fun. I’m struggling to make time for yoga, which would also help. And making time for even more is even harder. But tonight we did a short walk with Melody’s ‘bike’ and that felt good so clearly I need more movement. Hopefully the next time I post I’ll have some progress in this area.

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