My first akashic reading

I was so lucky to get an akashic record reading from Erin, a local woman in the Denver metro area. We’re in a few groups together I think and I’m so lucky to have met her. I highly recommend her. She can do readings over skype, which is what I did due to logistics, so if this sounds at all interesting, reach out.



Onto the important stuff, for me at least. I went into this not ever doing a reading like this. I know of the records, I know there are ways to access them, but never had luck myself.

I chose to start with the cause of so much financial struggle. When she answers it’s actual a channeling of Akashic record keepers so I’m glad I took notes and recorded it. It boiled down to me being too in my head. The struggle is entirely my own fault, getting in my own way. They talked about being ungrounded. While I’ve developed my higher chakras very well, I hadn’t developed my lower ones. They mentioned a chakra I never heard of called the Earth Star Chakra. It’s located about a foot below the feet. They led me through a guided meditation to create an anchor with it, grounding me into the earth instead of just to the surface of it.

I will write up the details later when I can transcribe, but it involves creating a loop around the solar plexus chakra, then take that bar down and around the next two chakras, and then down into the earth until hitting that earth star chakra. Then visualize the sides of the anchor coming out, keeping me firmly grounded deep into the earth. There were a few more details, but just doing that should be enough for a decent anchor honestly.

Talk about a powerful grounding process! I instantly felt better. Now, as soon as I catch myself worrying or stressing I focus on that anchor. It pulls me back and eases everything up immediately. I haven’t had time to spend on those lower chakras since, but it’s ok.

They also reiterated that I am taken care of. I’m not meant to struggle, so to have faith. I’ve heard this before. I’ve told myself this before, but there’s something about higher level beings saying it that makes it easier to believe. Which isn’t how faith is supposed to work, but whatever. 😀

Then, I had time left, and out of all the questions I could ask, I decided to ask about Susan. She’s been on my mind a lot as I write my novel, which I haven’t even discussed in my blog. Spoiler alert: Writing a novel. It’s 80% done. And I took inspiration from an alternate history of Susan and I. What if we had met in Pensacola and got together? And then she still died? That’s all in the back story. It got rather emotional in the writing process, but that’s to be read.

With Susan on my mind, and the constant reminder that thinking about her will make me tear up every time, I asked. Poorly. I couldn’t even form the question properly because it’s so hard for me to put words to. How does a person you knew for all of a month have such a long lasting impact? Now I know. And I had no clue until I asked.

I haven’t listened to the recording again, so some of this might not be exactly right, but I couldn’t take notes during this section as it was too intense. Even now, it’s very hard to control the emotions and I’ve worked through a lot of this since the reading last week.

I don’t know the time period, but the last lifetime Susan and I were together we had a beautiful family. But Susan died younger (again), leaving me to raise multiple (possibly 4, need to listen again) kids on my own. She was needed somewhere else for something super important and knew I would be ok. (This theme in my lives needs to be a whole separate blog post because, come the fuck on? Why do I do this to myself repeatedly?)

Her death broke my heart, though I did succeed in raising the kids to be awesome people. I don’t know more than that, on the kid front. That heartbreak carried into this life, and who knows what others. I didn’t ask. Maybe that’s one of those questions only linear brains ask because time isn’t real. In any case, this heartbreak is what I suspect causes me to grieve relationships more than I should, making me cry when I’m not all that sad.

It also keeps me from fully connecting, which is interesting. I mentioned just a bit of this to my wife and she says she doesn’t feel like I’m holding anything back. But I wonder how this will change once I’ve healed this? Because I do feel the difference in how deeply I can love and express that love to my daughter vs adults. I wonder if that’s part of it?

(Taking my 3rd break already during this post to regain my composure because writing and crying in a coffee shop is not fun.)

So, at this point in the reading Susan shows up and I’m totally gone now, crying harder than I have in memory. To help start the healing I’m going to call it a care bear stare, as she blasted me with whatever I needed for healing. Then we finished up, things felt a little better, but it was a lot to take in.

That was on Thursday. Friday I drove to northern Colorado for a sales consultation. On the way back I stopped at an open space because I knew I needed to work on this more with her and hoped being in nature would help. I only wish I can prepared better for it. More tissues. Shorts. Realizing 3.8 miles on uneven terrain in 90+ degree heat was beyond my comfort level. But, I did it anyway. At least I had plenty of water.

Over the course of that time I was alone, completely, for all but the first 10 minutes. So I walked, and talked out loud, and cried, and laughed at the absurdity of my lives. I saw the parallels between that life and my life now with my wife. I tried to imagine what I felt in that prior life that I have no cognitive memory of and let the grief just happen, knowing she was there to fill me back up with love. I asked for the intensity to dial back when it got to be too much, then would dive back in when I felt I could handle it again. This repeated for about an hour and a half. I was cursing the damn sun and hill by the end, as I was getting a bit overheated, but I don’t regret the decision. I accomplished more healing in that time than I could have anywhere else.

I finally texted my wife the basic jist of it afterwards but still haven’t talked about it. She’s not doing well lately and I can’t do it without crying. And really, this is mine. This is my shit to heal so I’m better in this life and can go forward to the next clear. It’s very possible that next lifetime will be with Susan again, since my wife is probably going to take a break from the physical. In any case, our paths will continue to cross. Healing this will make all my future relationships better.

Now, the mystery is solved. Susan came into my life at a time when neither of us could be together, just long enough to set in motion this awareness ages later. So I’m not a complete and utter idiot, I just needed to heal a deep emotional wound from someone in my soul family. Being a human would be much easier if we just knew this shit instead of wondering for a decade or more.

Now, let’s play the synchronicity game.

  1. Songs. I always associated Pink’s Who Knew was always about Susan to me. Then, today I heard Mary Lambert’s When You Sleep and it almost destroyed me. Ok, that’s an exaggeration but seriously, this song is us. The bridge simply repeats “How did I miss you, when I didn’t know you?” It gave me chills, and lots of tears.
  2. I started reading Gift of Time by Robin Alexander. Two women are facing their traumatic past life together. It gets a lot more complicated than this, but of all the books, that’s the one I chose right before this reading and finished on Saturday.
  3. My book. In my book, the MC, Cam, loses her wife 5 years earlier and is taking a year to just heal and decide what to do as she turns 40. It’s a romance, so of course she meets someone which gives her the incentive to accelerate the healing process. She does this by purposely reliving the past, pain included, to face her fear of losing someone again. In the story she does that in the safety of her apartment. Since I don’t live alone I did it in wide open spaces but with no one around. But still, how is a story that came from a snippet of a dream turning into things I’m actively working on in my life? Easy, this is where I’m supposed to be, and my guides are badass and making sure I’m getting where I need to be.
  4. Oh, how did I find the Mary Lambert song is worth a separate bullet point. Yesterday, Melody asked to listen to Halsey like she always does in the car. Then, after our 5th or 6th time through My Ghost, she asked for She Keeps Me Warm. I don’t have it on my phone, so looked it up. It’s Mary Lambert and available on amazon music unlimited. So I downloaded all of her albums and just hit play on the most recent one. That lead to today’s discovery of When You Sleep. Who told Melody to request it, I wonder?

There are probably more that I can add when I remember them. Right now I’m just trying to control when this healing occurs. I’m finding times to purposely work on it, when I can safely process or experience it. And maybe, someday, I can think of her without crying.

So this is my life currently. I’m writing a book, making sense of my own past life stuff, with the current life stuff, while trying to also be an engaged mom and wife. All of which would be easy if I didn’t need to make money. Thank God for this new anchor.

For simplicity, I’ll link back to prior posts to fill in the backstory, though one is private. I doubt I could read it yet. But for public consumption:

I hope to have a post before long with resolution of healing. But who knows. Healing is a funny thing. For now I’m grateful to know what I want to heal.

I absolutely intend to do another reading, once I have the emotional energy to deal with more intensity.


Edited to add: I forgot about one thing I noticed during this process. No matter how intense the release of emotions was, I never actually felt it. I felt zero pain. It’s like watching someone scream on a video with the mute on. I knew they were screaming but never had the sensation of it. I knew my face showed my pain, but I didn’t experience the pain at all.

I just asked my friend Shamus about it, because I suspected this was not normal. (And all the normal people reading this just probably said, no shit that’s not normal. lol)

Here’s what he passed onto me from his guides.

“The answer I was just given was you’ve spent a life time blocking yourself off from emotion because it was easier. You can’t expect the walls to come down in a day. You’ve begun dismantling them but it will take time. Keep persevering. The image is more like ice thinning in the heat.”

So I have that to look forward to? Do I have to? Shit, now I wonder if that’s why I shut down so young! If I came in with this heartbreak, and then the world kept stomping on my heart, coupled with an autistic brain, that could easily overwhelm a child. And now my whole life looks completely different. Wow… I could be wrong, but it’s a new possibility I never imagined. Another layer of the onion.

Thoughts after reading Strong by Natalie Debrabandere

I’ve gone down the rabbit hole of lesbian fiction, which is wonderful and new for me. It started with a post on twitter about the top 100 lesbian books to read, or something like that. That brought me to Bridge Essex and fun romance novels. That also brought me to this idea of lesbian book bingo – It’s a way to explore genres I wouldn’t otherwise explore and keep reading.

Jae posted a list for Women in Uniform, the first square. I chose a book called Strong. It seemed like one that would be interesting and not annoy me with inauthentic military references and I was right. What I didn’t anticipate was all the old memories and emotions it stirred up. I spent so much time lost in thought last night, apparently I need to just let it out. Feel free to ignore this, as it may not make all that much sense.

It’s been almost 20 years since I went off to boot camp. And almost 18 years since I was discharged. During those years, Don’t ask Don’t Tell was in full force, tainting an experience that would have been very different in today’s military. The daily fear of being found out. Of being constantly guarded. It all came back reading this story of two women in Afghanistan. But it wasn’t all the bad either. The massage, which was one of the ‘safe’ ways to have physical contact without getting busted for anything. Granted, the day my short term roommate walked in on Holloway and I giving massages still raised red flags for her, but it wasn’t enough to worry about. Besides, we really needed them. But, it was also part of the feeling out phase, since people couldn’t be all that out. I’m still not sure how that all happened. I just can’t remember. I think it was all a careful dance of feeling things out and then, once we were totally alone, just going for it. It’s odd what I don’t remember…well, normal for me, but I suspect other people remember a lot more of these details. So even once we were together, there wasn’t enough communication about it. It wasn’t dating. More, friends with benefits. The benefits of comfort, not sleeping alone. And that’s another thing I really related to. As the characters just shared a bed, without sex, that’s an experience that I think others will miss the depth behind. When you are constantly on guard, having that private space to just be touching and comforted means the world. Though I still don’t know how we got away with that. Perhaps the Marines on guard duty at the end of the female wing didn’t put it together, or didn’t care. Either way, I’m grateful. It made things more bearable through that time.

Another thing that stood out was including the guitar. There’s usually someone with a guitar at some point. I spent a lot of time in Pensacola learning to play the easier Indigo Girls and Melissa Etheridge songs. It helped me cope with all the challenges of being hidden. And it turns out, it’s what brought me and Sara, now the godmother to our daughter, together. I never knew at the time, but she would sit outside my door, studying and listening to my awful playing. lol But it made her feel better too. It’s so odd what comforts us. But while she is bi, she was dealing with so many demons of her own, including, I’m sure, flying under the radar. So for both of us, music was that rebellion. My favorite memories of her are hanging out in her room listening to Ani DiFranco, which felt so brazen to me.

It was such a complicated time. It was worse in the fleet, losing my friends, losing a fairly liberal command who didn’t really care what we were doing. Having to be even more closeted and not even knowing if anyone had my back. Then, that one respite, the month of CAX training where I was away from my unit on mess duty. Where again, people didn’t seem to care all that much. They were just cool. Getting to know Susan for far too short a time. Once again, not knowing how that happened. I’m just so oblivious to girls and flirting. So it’s mostly brief moments, always coupled with fear of getting caught, especially as a butch in the Marine Corps. I mean, everyone had to assume, so I was always careful. Unless drinking. And then it was only after I drank a lot. I’m grateful to everyone who didn’t rat me out. I have to remember that. But what was interesting is how less careful the more femme girls were. Susan asking me to walk to the bathroom with her, and taking my arm as we walked. It didn’t seem to occur to her at all, but I could only think how ballsy it was. At the time I thought, only straight girls thinking nothing of this. But a week or so later I realized she wasn’t actually that straight. And god, how different would it all have been if all of us could just be out, without fear of reprisal? To have all the fear and stress be about whether someone liked me, and not whether I would be busted, charged, and discharged. To not fear physical assault. I know it doesn’t matter, because what happened is what happened. But so much of that stress is still in me.

I’ve always been more repressed, more closed down. This didn’t help. I still don’t trust people easily, especially if they served. I don’t know if they’ll totally reject me. It’s stupid, I’m a grown adult with an awesome family. But the fear, it’s there. The fear of the judgment. All of it just pushed away, partially dealt with but never fully. Still shying away from even holding hands with my wife in public. Damn sure never kissing in public. It makes me a worse wife for it.

In my ritual I asked to release judgment. I had no idea it would show up like this. That’s how it works though, doesn’t it? Never how you expect it. Not always very fun. But maybe, just maybe I can open up more now. Can be a more present wife. Can live with less fear.

I know there are younger folks who still face this, growing up in really homophobic families and areas. It seems like far less of a problem though. I hope it is. I hope they can just live and love freely. But maybe they will also, someday, start to understand why the older generations can be so guarded. Can be more cautious. Because having all of your dating life occur under intense scrutiny is challenging. It wears on you. And to a person already so guarded from the world, it’s so much harder to release.

I had no idea until I read this book. And now, maybe all these tears shed and thoughts written out will allow for a new start. I wish Sara was out here to talk about this with. It will require beer. Perhaps a lot of it. I’m not sure I could actually open up still. But I think she could fill in some memory gaps. Maybe she can fly out before my parents arrive for Melody’s birthday. Or I won’t have the need by then. Emotions are complicated. And now, as I listen to my almost 3 year old rage downstairs over who knows what, it’s time to get it back together and take care of her.

Addressing pain and Nerdfitness Update

Boy am I tired. It should say a lot that I’m already in bed and doing my journal before 10pm! This weekend the struggle has been with pain still. The guides are concerned because it seems to be ligament inflammation since it feels better after a half hour in the pool. Based on this tiny insight I’m making a new strategy. First, at yoga I eased off a lot! I rested when I needed rest and only pushed to the point of discomfort instead of super challenging. Until the pain eases up I think I have to do that. I have learned about the powerful anti-inflammatory properties of turmeric and had some in the house for my wife. We haven’t had time to have her try it (don’t want to add too many new things at once) so I decided to give it a try. I have to experiment with the dose but since it doesn’t require too long to feel the effects I will be able to see how much it helps soon. And I went swimming again today. I do a lot of stretching and floating, along with some swimming. After 30 minutes or so I feel pretty darn good! And now I have two anti-inflammatory patches on my back and ankle to hopefully speed this along.

One thing that I’ve learned while swimming is I have no endurance. Getting to the end of the ~40 foot pool is a stretch unless I’m on my back. So today I decided to try to relax more. Swimming is very stressful for me, so this isn’t a minor challenge. It was helpful though. I’m challenging myself to realize just how little I have to work. Heck, even in boot camp swim qual was terrifying and challenging. I barely passed the second time through the survival floats. I’m pretty sure I couldn’t remember how to do them now. In time I need to re-learn survival swimming, but just enjoying recreational swimming would be nice.

This week has been really hard energetically. Part of it is sleep, which has been very broken all weekend. I’m hoping if I focus on sleep first everything else will fall into place. I have done a decent amount of cooking which should help as well. Yesterday was fried catfish, fried squash, and coleslaw. I rarely make fried food so that was different. I also roasted figs in the oven and made pico so I can get my chips and veggie craving fulfilled. Today I baked chicken breast, with stove top stuffing and more coleslaw. I also refreshed our salad stuff so we’re ready to go this week for more salads. I also got more indian simmer sauces to use up other veggies and the other chicken I bought. I don’t like too much chicken, so I’m hoping this green sauce makes it fun! Especially since I picked up some naan to cut the spice with. 🙂

And now, my nerdfitness challenge update.

1. Yoga (+2 str, +5 dex)
Summary: Attend class 3x per week
Attended last saturday, sunday, wednesday. 100%
Also today (new week).

2. Stretching (+3 dex)
Summary: 2x am, 2x pm at work. Non-yoga days stretch in the evenings
This is very challenging due to my new work assignment. I set the goal before I know what it was going to be like, so I have to keep working at it. Last week I stretched 2-3 times a day at work. So I’m giving it a 50% for last week. I didn’t stretch as much as I’d like at night either.

3. Healthy Eating (+3 con)
Summary: 5 healthy dinners a week
This last week I remember making catfish and salads and meatloaf and indian stir fry. And the other days I still ate well. I need to document it better in the future, but for last week I completed this goal.

Side Quests (+2 wis)
Since we’re in the midst of paper pregnancy, I’m doing a lot of research and preparation for adoption. Therefor my side quest focuses on that. It’s a constant movement toward this goal of adoption which includes:
1. Completing the home study this month
2. Reading about parenting, foster care, adoption, and autism among other special needs
3. Researching the requirements in Colorado for adoption and taking any initial steps.

This week I’ve started another new book – The Happiest Baby on the Block which has useful information. I don’t agree with it all, but I can see how he came to these conclusions and look forward to testing out the techniques. The home study is still in progress since the lawyer and social worker have to research how to do the home study so it works for colorado. I doubt it will, but we’ll see. And it looks like getting certified to adopt from foster care is a lot of work, but I need to talk to people directly.

Life Goal
1. Declutter.
I did a little every day and it makes a difference!

Thoughts on Wicked (the musical)

Like most music fans I was familiar with some of the music from Wicked for a while before seeing the show, but this is a show where a lot of the action is not reflected in the lyrics, so I was going in a bit blind as well. I knew the basic idea, but I was unprepared for how it affected me in the performance.

As I watched the first act, I felt this sadness, and an almost sickening feeling at how Elphaba was treated by everyone. Granted, I knew some of this, but it is so intense throughout the musical. Everything in her life is just so dark, but in spite of it she keeps standing up, trying to do the right thing. But her courage and goodness wasn’t enough to balance out how horrible everyone else treated her. I suspect it was made doubly intense by the water full moon and being on my cycle (hormones!). It was just such a strange experience because, while the show was amazing, and I had moments of pure enjoyment, this sadness sat with me until the next day actually. It hit me that hard.

Beyond the intensity of the energy contributions, I think it reflects my frustration over how so many people are like the small minded people in Oz. There are people being demonized for speaking out against wrong. It makes me also wonder how many people who I think are ‘bad guys’ maybe aren’t. Not too many I suspect, but what if I was like that too? Where am I not being aware and thinking badly of someone? I know I have this ability as well, and I think that added to my response, subconsciously thinking back to childhood and how I didn’t reach out to people who were excluded.

From grades 1-6 (I think) we had the same babysitter. One of the kids was a year ahead of me and he was a challenge. He was your typical nerd, and while we had some things in common, there were other times when he drove me insane. And part of me didn’t want to be associated with him because I didn’t want to be excluded any more than I already was. He’s not the only person over the years that I limited my friendship with. It’s kind of sad actually to see the pattern. I don’t think I would do that as much now, but I can still see some of that residual desire to be ‘cool’, even if that’s ‘geeky cool’. Interesting how tricky some of these issues are, even today. Something to work on.

So, all of that was in the back of my head as I watched so much injustice directed at someone who was so awesome. And it really messed with me. I let it just stew until the next day when I focused on all the positive aspects. Instead of focusing on the injustice I had to shift my focus. My new narrative was the story of a woman who tried with everything she had to change a situation that too few wanted changed. She gave everything she had to do so. And while she made it look like she gave her life, she found an even better solution and was able to live her life. It wasn’t ideal, and she still gave so much in the process, but she was going to be ok. Ultimately, you can’t make other people care. They didn’t want the truth, they wouldn’t have believed it. I am very glad she didn’t actually die because I think that would have been paramount to suicide, and a waste of such an amazing person. But, she also had the wisdom to recognize that the only way Glinda would step up and truly be the good person everyone though would be to give her no choice. With Elphaba gone, Glinda was the only person with the knowledge of the truth of the Wizard, so she had no choice but to use her power. With that she truly became Glinda the Good. I was going to say no good came of Elphaba’s death, but that is something very important. However, it didn’t require Elphaba to actually die, just for Glinda to believe she was dead.

Ultimately, it took maybe 24 hours to process all of this and now I’m very happy with the musical and want to see it again. Of course, I can’t anytime soon. It isn’t coming to Denver for at least a year. Perhaps we can take a trip back home when it’s in Appleton in February. 🙂 Or I’ll stop craving it so much and I’ll just wait for it to come around to Denver. But right now, I’m hooked, like so many others.

The next step is to listen to the first book. I was hesitant, and still am a bit. I don’t want it to be even more dark and harder to get through without feeling horrible. At the same time, it’s good to work through that, but it isn’t all that fun. However, the ending is at least open ended enough that I can keep the ending I prefer which helps. I’m not sure when I’ll start it, as I’m still catching up on life. I may need to have a second post about Wicked the book!

Meeting guides and confirmation

Last night I made the effort to SLOW DOWN! Life feels very pressing right now due to time crunches at work and not knowing anything about the baby stuff. Since Carrie was asleep already and didn’t have anything playing on the computer I took advantage of the quiet to try to find some of my own. At first my brain was very busy. I thought back to being 17, camping with my best friend Megan in northern Wisconsin. I had recently found the only online Jedi information which taught how to breathe and meditate (this was 1996) which is where the connection was with the moment, as I was refocusing on my breathing for perhaps the first time in days. Then my brain went to wondering if it was weird to go camping with a friend (it shouldn’t be, at least) and if she wondered once I came out if I was interested in her (I have no clue if she wondered, at at this point it’s irrelevant.) See, monkey mind. I put a stop to that and slowly tried to quiet the mind. I remember doing a clearing statement, I think about negativity I was experiencing with those monkey mind thoughts. Then I decided to give it something to do – expand.

Expansion is a simple technique that Gary Douglas teaches in Access. He describes it as trying to feel your edge. Just keep looking for where you aren’t and before you know it, you’ve filled the entire Universe. I learned it by imagining taking up larger and larger space – the room, the city, the state, the world, the solar system, etc. In any case, last night I felt it quite strongly and it felt really good. I felt like I was moving with more speed, power, and energy than before. I wonder if it helped that I was healing Carrie’s shoulder earlier (and many times in the past few days)? In any case, it was neat.

Once expanded I chose to focus on drawing energy about the baby situation, since that’s most pressing on my mind. I imagined the baby before me and drew in energy relating to receiving it. Almost immediately I felt like I had a group of people in front of me, just out of reach, but reaching out their hands to me. It was as if they were saying, we’re here! I felt a little closed in, yet expanded, but to be sure I expanded again. Every time I tried to draw in the energy that wall of beings was there. I’ve never experienced anything like it. Normally drawing in energy is a simple sensation of, well, drawing in these currents of energy, which are drawn through you (never stopping in you as energy has to flow). The message, and Carrie agrees, is that everything is ok. Everyone is there to help and it will come. And since they were all in front of me they are coming in the future, and soon. They were really close. Once again, I must remain patient and relax.

After this I called for my guides, since it’s been ages since I last talked to them (at them?). I rambled a little, trying to voice my concerns. But I was also distracted because I felt them, their movements as well as their energy. As I was trying to voice my question I felt and ‘saw’ the energy sit down, like it was settling in. I do tend to ramble so this isn’t illogical. I asked, ultimately, about the baby thing, but I don’t even remember the exact question anymore. I just remember the experience. I remember feeling like they were pressing in closer and closer until I was inside the energy. It’s a weird sort of pressure, but not scary. And I’m sure that will change as they learn how close and intense to be as my sensitivity increases. In the end the message is to stop worrying, everything is ok, just keep going. But wow, what an experience!

When old issues pop up…

I’m dealing with an unexpected issue this morning. Granted, unexpected issues that bring up old beliefs and feelings are par for the course of 2012, but it’s still weird to experience.

This morning, I was trying to get my last half hour of sleep (or so I thought) before my alarm would go off. During this time of partial sleep, I heard a deep, booming voice say “Up!” Now, the appropriate response would have been to look at the clock and get up. But, for some reason I didn’t. I thought that my alarm didn’t go off yet, so I have a few more minutes and I was quite sleepy. I also thought, there have been other times I’ve heard things (like my name) while half asleep. But really, they were never this powerful. Still…I stayed it bed. I didn’t even look at the clock. Why? I still can’t understand. Either way, the result was straight forward. When I finally rolled over it was 8:10. I have flexible work hours but I set my work hours from 8-5 so I was 10 minutes late. My alarm clock had been changed to radio, which means it was silent. And my phone which has an alarm set for 7:50 was on vibrate and not loud enough to wake me.

Since I didn’t get in trouble at work, this should just be one of those funny situations. And had I not heard a voice telling me to get up (thus saving me from being late) it would have been a simple funny situation. Instead I’m now swimming in a pool of negative emotions. Shame at the idea of disappointing my guide (even though I know he’s not limited to normal human emotions.) Frustration at not listening. Disappointment that I blew off my guide. Fear that I screwed up and won’t get another chance.

I tried clearing it with a clearing statement, which helped for a bit, but of course the feelings return with more thinking. I think it’s because there’s more to it and I need to understand it more before clearing. That’s the purpose of this blog post, to start to make sense of it.

This feels a lot like the worst feeling experience of my childhood, at least that I remember. When I was 13 or 14, I was teaching a karate class. I was working with a small group on grappling. One of the boys was very timid and shy, and he was working with a kid who was more advanced. He was asking to stop, but I didn’t stop them. I wanted to push him a bit. But then his mother came over and broke it up. I felt horribly embarrassed. Not just because it was a confrontation and I hate confrontation, but because I didn’t listen to him. I have no way of knowing if he was really in a dangerous situation, or if I was pushing too hard. With this much time passing, I certainly can’t trust my memory. But I felt like I had really screwed up, put a kid at risk, and didn’t know how to make it any better.

Where did this idea come from? That one mistake is horrible, that I would only get one chance at something? I have no conscious memory of a cause. I have the most understanding parents on the planet, I’m pretty sure they’d never draw a line on anything. lol But I’ve always self regulated by doing my best not to disappoint people. Perhaps this is related to a past life issue? Thinking about my dream, the most intense feelings arose when I was looking at personal affects related to people who I apparently lost. In a lifelong military career, during WW1, there’s no way I only lost a handful. Therefore I suspect those were people I lost unnecessarily, through avoidable incidents. If this is true, it could result in me over-reacting to relatively small mistakes. In this case, to the perception that I’ve disappointed my guide.

What I find most absurd is I see people disappoint, ignore, and deny their guides all the time. Yet I ignore a message once and I’m beating myself up? How bizarre is that? I want to laugh, and I will, but I feel horrible and can’t. I’d rather cry, though I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s because I so rarely get a message that I feel like I wasted one. I mean, the number of words I’ve heard Chukma speak can be counted on one hand! And what does it tell the Universe if I ask for messages and then blow them off when I get them? Will this slow down my already painfully slow development in this area?! Maybe that’s the ultimate fear here – of slowing down even more and missing out on such invaluable tools like communicating with my guides. I mean…someday Carrie won’t be around for me to easily communicate. And then what? *sigh* fear fear fear…

Since I’m not sure what else to talk about, I’m going to work on clearing these emotions and hope for insight later. I need to be working anyway.

Memorial Day and Flags

This Memorial Day weekend I’m learning about the importance of flags.  I remember as a kid, I believe second grade, we were taught flag etiquette by the local VFW representatives who also gave us a little pamphlet with the rules for displaying and keeping flags.  I’m grateful that they did this because I have kept a few key rules in my mind since that class so long ago.

1. The flag must be lit. Either it is taken down at dusk or is light with artificial lighting.

2. The flag should be taken down in inclement weather.

3. No other flag should fly higher in the US than the US flag.  This is a big pet peeve of mine since it is often violated in Texas.

4. The flag should not touch the ground. If it does it is supposed to be destroyed.  I don’t necessarily follow this to the letter in my personal life, but I was keenly aware of it when on color guard in boot camp. Talk about anxiety! I did not want to screw that up.

5. Once the flag is worn out it should be disposed of properly. Typically the best thing to do is contact the local VFW who probably does a ritualized burning yearly (or more often).

6. The flag is not to be used as an article of clothing or for any other purpose than as a flag, properly displayed.

There are lots of other rules but those are the ones I remembered.  Since I’ve always been drawn to the military I think I paid extra attention to that day.  Honestly, it’s the only ‘class’ I remember from those years (though I’m still not sure if it’s first or second grade).  And in spite of all of this focus on the flag, I’ve never displayed any at home.  We live in apartments so there’s no way to mount a nice flag.  But this year I decided to buy some of the little ones in honor of all of those we lost.  I started with two of the ones that are on sticks about two feet high.  I stuck them in the plants outside.  Then T made a comment about being hurt because I didn’t include one for her, just for Henry and Susan.  But honestly, I hadn’t bought the flags for any particular reason than the holiday, not thinking of the number.  They come in packs of twos and I knew I could put them in the plants.  Once I realized she was kinda serious about honoring the Marines who played a big role in our lives after their death I decided to pick up some of the little ones that you see people hold at parades and stuff.  They come in a pack of four, which is convenient.  We have one for T and one for Gunny.  That leaves two extras which I was told is a good idea to represent all of the others who aren’t known personally.  Considering all the Marines that guard our house non-physically, two is appropriate.

In addition to the American flags I found a way to rig my Marine Corps flags.  I have a small banner type which was the first I hung out the front patio using a thin bamboo stake and twist ties.  The guards took turns saluting it before I gave my salute.  Then I got my large, nice flag and hung it off the back patio.  T said they now take turns standing watch by the flags.  It helps them focus, to hold onto the part of their self which knows how to protect and defend.  So it means a lot to them, far more than I expected.  This causes me to remember how important flags are as a symbol.

I recognize that some people just aren’t going to understand it.  There’s nothing ingrained in them to treat the flag as more than a piece of cloth.  I tend to be of two minds toward them.  There’s the part of me that remembers that the flag represents our country, our family, our home, and all that we volunteered to defend when enlisting.  Therefore I treat it with the respect and courtesy required.  The other part of me recognizes that the flag is still only the symbol.  I don’t feel the need to display it all the time.  I don’t feel your choice to display the flag makes you any less or more of an American.

I think when we make the big move to Canada I’ll still display flags for Memorial Day.  And I may display the Marine Corps flag year round.  It depends on our options for display.  And whether it annoys people.  I know there are people who would do it no matter what.  But in my opinion, increasing negative sentiment toward the US or the Corps isn’t beneficial.  I can always create a nice display in the house with the flags and pictures.

I’m glad I was able to help out all of our guards, even though I had no idea it would do so.  I’m glad they feel honored, even if it distracted them for a bit because they then wanted to salute me in return for doing this.  It’s a little weird, but I can see how having something to ground them in a very new situation would be appreciated.  I appreciate what they do as well.

So, as always, this Memorial Day is dedicated to the memories of:

Cpl Henry Moncada – served in Vietnam, passed in 2007

Sgt Susan Babich (Giesemann) – passed while Active Duty in 2006

Gunny – A sniper during his life, passed in either Korea or Vietnam

T – A former drill instructor, passed within the last 10 years I think

Unnamed guards – I believe they are all casualties of the Iraq or Afghanistan wars and include male and female Marines

Since we can’t know details about the non-physical Marines in our midst, there’s little to say. But I can say thank you, to everyone who has chosen to risk their lives for something larger than their self, to stand up for what they felt was right and defend our freedoms.

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