I was so lucky to get an akashic record reading from Erin, a local woman in the Denver metro area. We’re in a few groups together I think and I’m so lucky to have met her. I highly recommend her. She can do readings over skype, which is what I did due to logistics, so if this sounds at all interesting, reach out.
Onto the important stuff, for me at least. I went into this not ever doing a reading like this. I know of the records, I know there are ways to access them, but never had luck myself.
I chose to start with the cause of so much financial struggle. When she answers it’s actual a channeling of Akashic record keepers so I’m glad I took notes and recorded it. It boiled down to me being too in my head. The struggle is entirely my own fault, getting in my own way. They talked about being ungrounded. While I’ve developed my higher chakras very well, I hadn’t developed my lower ones. They mentioned a chakra I never heard of called the Earth Star Chakra. It’s located about a foot below the feet. They led me through a guided meditation to create an anchor with it, grounding me into the earth instead of just to the surface of it.
I will write up the details later when I can transcribe, but it involves creating a loop around the solar plexus chakra, then take that bar down and around the next two chakras, and then down into the earth until hitting that earth star chakra. Then visualize the sides of the anchor coming out, keeping me firmly grounded deep into the earth. There were a few more details, but just doing that should be enough for a decent anchor honestly.
Talk about a powerful grounding process! I instantly felt better. Now, as soon as I catch myself worrying or stressing I focus on that anchor. It pulls me back and eases everything up immediately. I haven’t had time to spend on those lower chakras since, but it’s ok.
They also reiterated that I am taken care of. I’m not meant to struggle, so to have faith. I’ve heard this before. I’ve told myself this before, but there’s something about higher level beings saying it that makes it easier to believe. Which isn’t how faith is supposed to work, but whatever. 😀
Then, I had time left, and out of all the questions I could ask, I decided to ask about Susan. She’s been on my mind a lot as I write my novel, which I haven’t even discussed in my blog. Spoiler alert: Writing a novel. It’s 80% done. And I took inspiration from an alternate history of Susan and I. What if we had met in Pensacola and got together? And then she still died? That’s all in the back story. It got rather emotional in the writing process, but that’s to be read.
With Susan on my mind, and the constant reminder that thinking about her will make me tear up every time, I asked. Poorly. I couldn’t even form the question properly because it’s so hard for me to put words to. How does a person you knew for all of a month have such a long lasting impact? Now I know. And I had no clue until I asked.
I haven’t listened to the recording again, so some of this might not be exactly right, but I couldn’t take notes during this section as it was too intense. Even now, it’s very hard to control the emotions and I’ve worked through a lot of this since the reading last week.
I don’t know the time period, but the last lifetime Susan and I were together we had a beautiful family. But Susan died younger (again), leaving me to raise multiple (possibly 4, need to listen again) kids on my own. She was needed somewhere else for something super important and knew I would be ok. (This theme in my lives needs to be a whole separate blog post because, come the fuck on? Why do I do this to myself repeatedly?)
Her death broke my heart, though I did succeed in raising the kids to be awesome people. I don’t know more than that, on the kid front. That heartbreak carried into this life, and who knows what others. I didn’t ask. Maybe that’s one of those questions only linear brains ask because time isn’t real. In any case, this heartbreak is what I suspect causes me to grieve relationships more than I should, making me cry when I’m not all that sad.
It also keeps me from fully connecting, which is interesting. I mentioned just a bit of this to my wife and she says she doesn’t feel like I’m holding anything back. But I wonder how this will change once I’ve healed this? Because I do feel the difference in how deeply I can love and express that love to my daughter vs adults. I wonder if that’s part of it?
(Taking my 3rd break already during this post to regain my composure because writing and crying in a coffee shop is not fun.)
So, at this point in the reading Susan shows up and I’m totally gone now, crying harder than I have in memory. To help start the healing I’m going to call it a care bear stare, as she blasted me with whatever I needed for healing. Then we finished up, things felt a little better, but it was a lot to take in.
That was on Thursday. Friday I drove to northern Colorado for a sales consultation. On the way back I stopped at an open space because I knew I needed to work on this more with her and hoped being in nature would help. I only wish I can prepared better for it. More tissues. Shorts. Realizing 3.8 miles on uneven terrain in 90+ degree heat was beyond my comfort level. But, I did it anyway. At least I had plenty of water.
Over the course of that time I was alone, completely, for all but the first 10 minutes. So I walked, and talked out loud, and cried, and laughed at the absurdity of my lives. I saw the parallels between that life and my life now with my wife. I tried to imagine what I felt in that prior life that I have no cognitive memory of and let the grief just happen, knowing she was there to fill me back up with love. I asked for the intensity to dial back when it got to be too much, then would dive back in when I felt I could handle it again. This repeated for about an hour and a half. I was cursing the damn sun and hill by the end, as I was getting a bit overheated, but I don’t regret the decision. I accomplished more healing in that time than I could have anywhere else.
I finally texted my wife the basic jist of it afterwards but still haven’t talked about it. She’s not doing well lately and I can’t do it without crying. And really, this is mine. This is my shit to heal so I’m better in this life and can go forward to the next clear. It’s very possible that next lifetime will be with Susan again, since my wife is probably going to take a break from the physical. In any case, our paths will continue to cross. Healing this will make all my future relationships better.
Now, the mystery is solved. Susan came into my life at a time when neither of us could be together, just long enough to set in motion this awareness ages later. So I’m not a complete and utter idiot, I just needed to heal a deep emotional wound from someone in my soul family. Being a human would be much easier if we just knew this shit instead of wondering for a decade or more.
Now, let’s play the synchronicity game.
- Songs. I always associated Pink’s Who Knew was always about Susan to me. Then, today I heard Mary Lambert’s When You Sleep and it almost destroyed me. Ok, that’s an exaggeration but seriously, this song is us. The bridge simply repeats “How did I miss you, when I didn’t know you?” It gave me chills, and lots of tears.
- I started reading Gift of Time by Robin Alexander. Two women are facing their traumatic past life together. It gets a lot more complicated than this, but of all the books, that’s the one I chose right before this reading and finished on Saturday.
- My book. In my book, the MC, Cam, loses her wife 5 years earlier and is taking a year to just heal and decide what to do as she turns 40. It’s a romance, so of course she meets someone which gives her the incentive to accelerate the healing process. She does this by purposely reliving the past, pain included, to face her fear of losing someone again. In the story she does that in the safety of her apartment. Since I don’t live alone I did it in wide open spaces but with no one around. But still, how is a story that came from a snippet of a dream turning into things I’m actively working on in my life? Easy, this is where I’m supposed to be, and my guides are badass and making sure I’m getting where I need to be.
- Oh, how did I find the Mary Lambert song is worth a separate bullet point. Yesterday, Melody asked to listen to Halsey like she always does in the car. Then, after our 5th or 6th time through My Ghost, she asked for She Keeps Me Warm. I don’t have it on my phone, so looked it up. It’s Mary Lambert and available on amazon music unlimited. So I downloaded all of her albums and just hit play on the most recent one. That lead to today’s discovery of When You Sleep. Who told Melody to request it, I wonder?
There are probably more that I can add when I remember them. Right now I’m just trying to control when this healing occurs. I’m finding times to purposely work on it, when I can safely process or experience it. And maybe, someday, I can think of her without crying.
So this is my life currently. I’m writing a book, making sense of my own past life stuff, with the current life stuff, while trying to also be an engaged mom and wife. All of which would be easy if I didn’t need to make money. Thank God for this new anchor.
For simplicity, I’ll link back to prior posts to fill in the backstory, though one is private. I doubt I could read it yet. But for public consumption:
I hope to have a post before long with resolution of healing. But who knows. Healing is a funny thing. For now I’m grateful to know what I want to heal.
I absolutely intend to do another reading, once I have the emotional energy to deal with more intensity.
Edited to add: I forgot about one thing I noticed during this process. No matter how intense the release of emotions was, I never actually felt it. I felt zero pain. It’s like watching someone scream on a video with the mute on. I knew they were screaming but never had the sensation of it. I knew my face showed my pain, but I didn’t experience the pain at all.
I just asked my friend Shamus about it, because I suspected this was not normal. (And all the normal people reading this just probably said, no shit that’s not normal. lol)
Here’s what he passed onto me from his guides.
“The answer I was just given was you’ve spent a life time blocking yourself off from emotion because it was easier. You can’t expect the walls to come down in a day. You’ve begun dismantling them but it will take time. Keep persevering. The image is more like ice thinning in the heat.”
So I have that to look forward to? Do I have to? Shit, now I wonder if that’s why I shut down so young! If I came in with this heartbreak, and then the world kept stomping on my heart, coupled with an autistic brain, that could easily overwhelm a child. And now my whole life looks completely different. Wow… I could be wrong, but it’s a new possibility I never imagined. Another layer of the onion.