The benefits my business coaches

Today I had my 1 year checkin with my business coach, Nate, with the Kite & Dart Group. A year ago I knew they were the people I needed to get me on track. They work with the misfits of the world (my term) to help them succeed in business.

They aren’t ‘woke’, but are a group of people who truly get it. They know when I walk into the room, everyone knows (or assumes) I’m gay. They know that there are possible clients who would never buy from me because of their bias. Trying to change who I am to be acceptable to those people isn’t going to strengthen my business. It actually weakens it, because I’m being less than my full self.

Their philosophy is that there is nothing wrong with you. You have everything in you already to succeed. Working together, they help you find your strengths, your ideal clients, and align your business with them. This matches my spiritual beliefs perfectly. Everything about K&D aligned with what I was looking for. Plus, Nate is intense and fast and talking to him was often invigorating.

Beyond working with Nate I joined a cohort, which met once a month. Karen is very different from Nate, but also perfect for me. In many ways, both of them reflect two aspects of my personality. Intense vs introspective. Move fast vs calm. Not that Nate doesn’t also have these aspects, but these are the differences in my meetings with them.

They were both understanding, patient, and listened. They never told me I was wrong, or a screw up, or anything else. Just, what can we do with where we are. That kept me trying all year, even as my struggles continued.

Now, seeing how completely different I am on medication, I understand why. I was doing the best I could, despite my brain which was saying it couldn’t do more without help. Now that it has help, everything we’ve discussed over the past year is being implemented with a hell of a lot more ease.

Too many business coaches don’t understand people. They bully, they push, the pressure, and that would have broke me. Not because I am weak, but because my brain had reached it’s limit of doing life without the right support. And that type of business coach would have destroyed my life and business.

Instead, I found the best people for me. By continually offering assistance and encouragement, I was able to see that I was doing every possible thing I could to make life work, and it wasn’t working. That gave me the curiosity to recognize myself in a post about people with both autism and ADHD. I saw so much of myself that I finally looked at other posts from people with ADHD and realized I knew jack squat about it. And that ignorance is what kept me from realizing what was wrong.

This week is a reset for me and the start of a new year with Kite & Dart. There will still be challenges, of course, but even on the days like today when my medicine hits harder and my body hums, I have the tools to make the best of it. I have coaches to reach out to when necessary.

Everything changes this year.

When I turned 41 back in November I said that I’m in the prime of my life, since 41 is a prime number. It’s turning out to be more true than I imagined.

Ritalin day 3

Since it’s late and I’m tired I’m doing a quick summary of three days on medication.

Cons

Irritable after medication has worn off. This will likely improve.

Impatient – already seeing improvement with this.

Time feels different.

Frequently in hyperfocus.

Don’t know how to stop working on long tasks.

Pros

Instant stress relief.

Frequently in hyperfocus.

Making decisions more easily.

Getting things done without giving up in frustration.

Summary

Big fan of meds. I feel like Jax 2.0, but it’s still a work in progress. This was my day today.

Last night I was very frustrated because Melody was sick and coughing. Once she finally took cough medicine I passed out but was extra frustrated because I was even more exhausted at 3am than I was at midnight when I tried to go to sleep.

Slept in, but only until around 10. Woke without much stress, though it was later in the day. Ran to the store to grab something we needed. Took meds. Sat down with computer after reading about SEO for authors. Wrote a rather nice blog post for the author site with solid SEO. That took 2 hours. I was supposed to have gotten my wife from downstairs an hour in. That’s why hyperfocus is listed as a pro and con.

After the blog post I worked on getting my site properly indexed. Still fighting with parts but overall it’s mostly done with minimal stress. By then it was almost 4pm. I’d eaten a few york peppermint patty candies, a piece of bacon, and I don’t remember what else. I wasn’t hungry though. Will need to do better.

Finally took kiddo downstairs. We attempted karate practice. I’m going to have to do that in 15 minute increments. Then we played music. I let her lead the play and didn’t stress, though I could feel a bit of that urge to teach her ‘properly’. Moved both drumsets so they faced the same direction, removing the mirror affect.

Came upstairs, figured out food for melody and everyone else. Put laundry in. Did 2 loads total. Did a load of dishes, including the pots I hate doing. Cooked the dinner. Did random cleaning. Ate.

I genuinely don’t think I stopped being productive for 6 hours. Then I was exhausted, but had more to do so pushed through.

It’s 11:30pm now. I managed to get a few more things sorted on the author site. And I wrote this post. I feel very productive, except I didn’t get to work on writing! My theory is this will all get easier once I’m more caught up with life stuff.

A note about hyperfocus… I now see what they mean in the autism threads. I didn’t notice because ADHD was interfering with it. Now I keep going on tasks and need to learn when to quit. Which I’m going to do now. Time to make some raisin toast and edit on my phone. or sleep. Something…

Reawakening

Is there an astrological significance to the age of 39-41? For some reason, I feel like I’m coming out of a fog of survival and learning so many new things about myself it’s truly exciting.

I don’t have time to go into details right now, but wanted to summarize, since I received a new piece of information today.

  1. Fully embraced autism at 39.
  2. Realized I have ADHD at 41.
  3. Realized I have been grieving my past life soul mate for my ENTIRE LIFE! (And still am)
  4. Realized my asexuality, which I’m still figuring out, at 40.
  5. Today I learned that the underdeveloped 3rd nipple under my left breast is a sign of a love lost in a past life (see #3) and a message to fully embrace love in this life.

All I can do is laugh at this point. Most of these awarenesses only came once I started writing novels and had to research. Everything is once again so interconnected I can’t separate any of it.

Pieces falling into place

Thank God for Twitter. Finally, after wondering for a while about my brain, I think the pieces are coming together. I read a post referencing a list of ways autism and adhd work together and I could really see myself in it. Here’s the post, for reference. https://twitter.com/mykola/status/1219063764160536577

Until this morning, I couldn’t understand why I was fine as a kid and am faltering in middle age. Now I’d like to explain what I realized this morning.

I’m about 95% sure that not only am I autistic, I have ADHD. Both of these are a spectrum, and rarely properly understood in girls/women/afab folx. Even searching for information to post here resulted in a lot of misinformation or information that is lacking. Nothing talked about the interplay between autism and ADHD.

My brand new understanding is that autism and ADHD can either be best friends or awful enemies. As a kid, I was active. I was smart. These compensated for my inattentiveness, making it easy to maintain good grades. The autism and being ‘other’ made it easier for me to pay attention in school because I didn’t have friends to goof off with. Also, my weird ‘listen to authority’ personality helped there.

This changed in high school. By then I’d had years of sports, karate, and music, all of which kept my brain and body happy. I found friends. And for the first time I started getting in trouble in class because I wanted to talk about things that were interesting. I didn’t get in much trouble, but there was a change.

You know one thing I was never good at? Studying. If something didn’t grab my attention, I couldn’t make myself study it. I believe I was already burning through my spoons (or hit points, or however you want to refer to it.) I’d spent years trying to fit societal expectations. I continued to do so. Sports and music replenished me enough to keep going.

But you know what happened as an adult? I stopped exercising. I spent a lot more time online, talking to people, teaching, exploring spirituality. The less I took care of myself, the harder I pushed, the faster I drained my energy. I became more and more imbalanced until now, at 41, I’ve hit major burnout. The typical motivational ideas from hustle culture are bullshit for someone on either of these spectrums. It just doesn’t work. In fact, it’s the most detrimental thing we can do, to push through things.

I don’t think this is a problem. I think it’s a feature. My brain requires that I take care of myself better to function at full capacity. Unfortunately, life requires more. With this new awareness I’m feel like self care will be easier to choose. And still I’m going to make an appointment with my primary care doc at the VA and explain this to him. My hope is that he’ll let me try a low dose ADHD medication as a boost to get through this time of my life. I do not want to stay on medications, but I think if I don’t try I might miss opportunities to improve my life and business.

I have a lot to research still, but this feels right. It feels true. It feels like a huge weight off me. This will make me a better parent, business owner, and friend. I feel more empowered to talk to my daughter’s doctors at her appointment next month as well. I know what happens when kids don’t get the proper treatment, support, or tools. They become my brother, dropping out of school because it doesn’t work for him. They become me, burnt out and struggling to find traction in life after burning through their reserve. She won’t be either of us. She will get the tools she needs to be an amazing little badass, changing the world around her, whether that’s as an artist, an activist, or whatever else she comes up with.

I just wish I knew this 20 or 30 years ago.

So many feelings

Just don’t ask me to be able to name them. Context. Tonight I made a post explaining that I was curious about other people’s experiences with autism diagnosis. I posted in the reddit aspie girls area because women have unique experiences. I explained why I was asking, and then was promptly banned from the group for violating a policy I didn’t know about.

But here’s the thing. I’m a fucking autistic woman! I was honest (normally a benefit of talking to other autistic people is the lack of bullshit) and rather than having a conversation, I was shut down. And I made it really clear that the purpose was to properly represent our various experiences for people to learn from because I don’t want to rely on my own.

The thing is, when I saw that, all I felt was, you’re not good enough. Not autistic enough. not even doing this damn autism thing right. Sure as fuck can’t ask questions about experiences. I’m angry, and on the verge of tears, and who knows what else. Now I want absolutely nothing to do with the fucking autistic community. Seriously, what the fuck?

I know my reactions are me, but they just fucked me up pretty bad. This is going to make researching and writing the book that much harder because now all I can think about is this flat out rejection when I should be enjoying the writing of my book. Now it’s tainted and I still have to find a way to write it.

There were so many better ways to handle this, like asking me a fucking question for one. I hate people sometimes. I’ll just stay in my little corner for a while because I really don’t have it in me to reach out to anyone again.

Understanding my asexuality and demisexuality

I’m currently finishing a book with a main character who is demisexual, which is part of the asexual spectrum. This is a recent exploration for me, though I vaguely recall exploring it many years ago as well. My struggle has been somewhat unique and complicated by a few factors.

  1. Been in a relationship for 20 years next month. I have no idea what attractions I would feel if I were single and can’t remember enough details from that long ago to have a clear perspective. Until tonight.
  2. Autism makes me touch averse as well as challenged with categories that aren’t discrete. The definition of asexual and demisexual are not concrete to me (or many people) so it only partially clicked for me.
  3. My relationship is complicated by chronic illness and a child. We don’t have a ‘normal’ sex life, and my touch aversion, while not strong, is enough that I’m not physically affectionate except with my daughter (which is something I’m still working to understand and is a whole post in itself.)

Tonight, something changed as I thought about the physical relationships I’ve had. This is a short period of time in my life, roughly a year and a half, and like I said, 20 years ago. But, I tried to remember each of them in relation to who initiated what. I saw a pattern based on two categories of people.

  1. Those I didn’t know well. These would be people I met at a bar (before I was 21, ironically enough), or met elsewhere but didn’t know well at all. Without exception, these were not people I had sex with, even if we spent a lot of time kissing. I thought maybe it was lack of experience and confidence, but I genuinely can’t remember wanting to having sex.
  2. Those I had a connection of some kind with. These are the only people I initiated with at all (though I’m really not an initiator, so this is stretching the definition honestly. Pretty sure this is the autism and not reading people well.) Anyway… even in these situations I couldn’t say I experienced sexual attraction because I genuinely can’t make sense out of what that is. I think what people describe as sexual attraction doesn’t apply to me. Care to guess why? Yep, autism.

Asexuality is not defined by the act of sex, or even a desire for sex. However, I think that in my case, that’s what I have to go on. I only wanted things to progress with a few key people in my life. Not saying I was coerced (though there were sketchy situations), but I just went along with it because it was easier than stopping it for no real reason.

I’ve decided I can’t use anyone else’s definitions of my sexuality because my brain doesn’t work that way. Going with my own definitions, I feel a lot more comfortable with the term demisexual and asexual now and feel they both apply to me. Sex is fun, but sex is also complicated in my brain and body. So as I prepare to release this book into the world, I’m trying to reflect a part of my experience through Ash without all of the pieces (like autism and touch aversion). I hope it results in a different type of representation that a lot of people can relate to and understand.

Healing body pain

Disclaimer: this is not a statement of all pains or anything else. This is simply me stream of consciousness writing and trying one possibility for something going on in my body.

I just read an email from the wonderful Glenyce Hughes. She talked about healing arthritis in her knees by talking to her body. She realized the pain started after a situation that she didn’t acknowledge hurt her emotionally. She stuffed it, and once acknowledging that the pain eased. That made me wonder about one pain in particular, so I’m going to play with it.

In boot camp 21 years ago I stress fractured my foot. We didn’t realize it at the time, but it was most likely caused by poorly fitting boots because they didn’t have wider boots in small sizes. By the time I was being discharged I noticed pain in my arch, but it wasn’t something they bothered to xray or anything. Fast forward a few years and I ended up with a bone growth in my arch which irritates the hell out of the big toe tendon. (Clearly, I am not a bio person.)

At this point, the only solutions I’ve found are to use KT type tape or use Correct Toes which helps stabilize my foot. But I haven’t been able to afford new Correct Toes in a while, nor the shoes that would work with them. However, things were reasonably ok until the past week or so when it’s been getting bad enough to affect my gait. As I read what Glenyce wrote I thought about the solar eclipse 2 weeks ago that was part of a 19 year cycle. So things that happened 19 years ago would be brought up again.

Guess what happened 19 years ago. I was a few months out from my discharge from the Marine Corps. My foot was beginning to make its pain known. And I was trying to heal from it all. Badly.

There are a lot of people who can’t begin to understand what there is to heal to begin with. Hell, a good part of me is unsure what there is to heal. But it keeps coming up in different ways, so I want to explore it.

Disappointment and betrayal are the first emotions that come to mind. I joined the Marine Corps for so many reasons. There were past life things I was resolving for one. It was a soul path to have this experience. But at the more human level, it was about belonging and being a part of something larger than myself. I needed to be a part of it.

I’d read books about the military since I was in middle school. That’s… not normal for a girl without strong military connections. The sense of family was what drew me there. So joining, I knew I was looking for something. I found it, to some extent, in boot camp. We didn’t have much time to talk and form friendships, but being surrounded by other people working toward the same goal, and lead by some of the most badass women, I enjoyed most of it. I felt like I belonged, even as I hid my sexuality (badly). But there were other lesbians too, so I wasn’t even alone in that.

Then I went to combat training, which sucked a lot more. But, it sucked infinitely more for a lot of other people (which is an understatement but I can’t and won’t get into it). It sucked for me because there were only 20 of us there, being an off cycle caused by recruiting duty. I didn’t have my people and I do wish I had. But, I met a good friend there so that was a plus. I discovered that I could find support anywhere, just not as much as I wanted.

Then I was off to Pensacola for my first school. It took a while to find my feet again. I was in a class with one person I knew, who was also at MCT (Marine combat training) but we were never all that close. Our personalities didn’t mesh well. I was pretty isolated for a month or so. I bought a guitar. Listened to a lot of music. Not unlike Cam in my book, A Marine Awakening.

Then I met the ex and was pulled into a group of people. Went to a few parties, it’s all pretty blurry. Then my best friend came along (hi Sarah) and things got even better. And then, like all things, I had to move to my next school. I left behind most of the people I enjoyed hanging out with, except my classmates (which includes the ex). That time was less fun. We were basically on our own, and I wasn’t feeling comfortable hanging out with all the guys. I’m not sure what happened, but things were definitely complicated.

The final step was heading to California for my first and last duty station. I arrived sometime in July I think. Probably late, because my wife and I had reconnected by then and our anniversary is August 15 (20 years next month). Anyway, that’s when I realized how much the ‘brotherhood’ of the Marine Corps was kept from me. I had nobody at first. Literally nobody. I was on the most isolated base, with zero classmates (for a while), and with no one else I knew because we were such a small base (when it came to females at least).

At some point I made friends, though I don’t know how. lol It’s kind of the story of my life. But I met Misty, who’s last name I can’t remember, who was in the room next to mine. She was bisexual and a volleyball player. And there was Frank, who called me mom and had my back all the time. He was at the end of the barracks and we hung out a ton. We’ve since reconnected on Facebook. I look forward to meeting his family when we can finally vacation in the northeast. And there was Chuck, my fierce gay friend who I must have met online? I truly can’t remember, I just know he was there to guide me through Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, having survived two investigations himself because the people turning him in were idiots.

The problem was that I had no one at work. I couldn’t trust the people I worked with because of DADT. I learned later that one of our staff sergeants was so homophobic he turned in his own brother. So it was right for me to be paranoid. But that meant the vast majority of my life was spent isolated and unsure how to find my way. And I never found it.

The DADT policy set me up to fail. If I’d been allowed to be open, eventually I would have found my feet. I wouldn’t have been friends with everyone, but I would have made friends more quickly because I wouldn’t be hiding myself.

I’ve heard from other veterans that I was betrayed by the Marine Corps for having this held back from me. It’s still hard for me to use that word. And yet… something failed in this process. A combination of politics, bias, bigotry, and probably misogyny mixed with my introversion and, unknown at the time, autism. If the policy weren’t in place maybe I could have survived. If I’d had a mentor at work to guide me, maybe I could have succeeded. If one person in my work group had the balls to stand up to this SSgt and talk to me before it was almost too late, maybe things would have been different.

Even if the ending had been the same, that support would have made all the difference. I could have lasted a little longer, earned my VA benefits, and most importantly, my GI Bill, from day one. And I would have known that it wasn’t the whole group of guys who didn’t give a shit about me, just that SSgt. Handling betrayal from one guy is easy. One person can simply be an asshole with major issues. But a group of people? That’s harder.

I’m not even touching the emotions honestly. Just getting initial thoughts down. Maybe I’m not ready to face those emotions. I remember blogging about this last year, after reading Natalie Debrabandere’s Strong. It messed me up for a day or two. So maybe I’m not holding onto all that much anymore and need to simply acknowledge what happened.

My government and the Marine Corps made my life incredibly difficult because of other people’s stupid fucking bigotry. Ah, there we go. Anger. That’s one thing I can tap into easily. Because those same stupid bigots are still trying to make the lives of queer people miserable. And non-white people. And non-Christians.

I was idealistic when I joined. I thought people lived up to what they said they believed. I thought Marines would follow the core values. Would be good people who stood up and did what was right. But they aren’t. They are human beings. Some are amazing, and giving and put themselves on the line against the lowest of humanity. And some are the lowest of humanity using the military to advance their causes of white supremacy and misogyny. And the rest fall in the middle.

Why can’t we do better? I guess it is getting better. DADT is gone. Actively serving queer people are married, with kids, and their spouses don’t have to hide. No one has to hide their sexuality any more than in the civilian world. What I wouldn’t give to know what that was like. What would it have changed?

But that’s not what happened. The best parts of the Marine Corps were held just out of reach. Even now, I don’t know how a person will react, but I’ve taken to talking about DADT as much as I can. I even wrote a book (soon to be two) about it, because a lot of people don’t realize it was an issue. Or they don’t understand what it was like. That it made our military weaker by placing a barrier between members.

I need to get going and I’m still dancing around all this. I don’t know what isn’t resolved. Perhaps it is simply talking about it. Perhaps it is writing this next book, diving into the emotions and fears that I didn’t directly experience but are so close to reach. I guess I’ll end with this.

I was a Marine. I did the best I could given the situation. I didn’t fail. Someday I’ll believe that with my whole heart.

Lessons from reading and writing

Every day feels like a chance to learn just a little more about myself. Sometimes I’m realizing a new aspect from the autism perspective. Sometimes it’s the asexual spectrum. Sometimes it’s seeing myself as a business owner. Or an author. There’s always something.

Today, in the aftermath of the US women’s national team winning their 4th world cup, I indulged my curiosity and watched a lot of instagram posts from the gay players on the team. In one, Ashlyn and Ali are filming a video for a Brazillian show (I think) and watching them together, so gentle and affectionate after 9 years together, made me long for it. And yet, really thinking about it, the thought of that much touch was palpably uncomfortable.

How can I long for something that wouldn’t be comfortable for me? And I realized, everything I read, everything I write, to some extent it’s who I want to be. I don’t want to be touch averse. I don’t want to avoid intimacy. I want to experience sexual attraction. I want to be able to have sex with someone I just met. Sometimes I want to be ‘normal’. I know that’s not how life works. I’ve never been normal. I’ll never be normal. But I keep wanting things to be easier.

I should no better. I’m 40 years old. But still I fantasize about a simple life, without issues or complications. It’s a waste of energy, but it happens so often. So that’s where I’m at today, a little jealous of those who are neurotypical.

My first akashic reading

I was so lucky to get an akashic record reading from Erin, a local woman in the Denver metro area. We’re in a few groups together I think and I’m so lucky to have met her. I highly recommend her. She can do readings over skype, which is what I did due to logistics, so if this sounds at all interesting, reach out.

FB: https://www.facebook.com/EtherealCultivation/

Website: https://www.etherealcultivation.com/

Onto the important stuff, for me at least. I went into this not ever doing a reading like this. I know of the records, I know there are ways to access them, but never had luck myself.

I chose to start with the cause of so much financial struggle. When she answers it’s actual a channeling of Akashic record keepers so I’m glad I took notes and recorded it. It boiled down to me being too in my head. The struggle is entirely my own fault, getting in my own way. They talked about being ungrounded. While I’ve developed my higher chakras very well, I hadn’t developed my lower ones. They mentioned a chakra I never heard of called the Earth Star Chakra. It’s located about a foot below the feet. They led me through a guided meditation to create an anchor with it, grounding me into the earth instead of just to the surface of it.

I will write up the details later when I can transcribe, but it involves creating a loop around the solar plexus chakra, then take that bar down and around the next two chakras, and then down into the earth until hitting that earth star chakra. Then visualize the sides of the anchor coming out, keeping me firmly grounded deep into the earth. There were a few more details, but just doing that should be enough for a decent anchor honestly.

Talk about a powerful grounding process! I instantly felt better. Now, as soon as I catch myself worrying or stressing I focus on that anchor. It pulls me back and eases everything up immediately. I haven’t had time to spend on those lower chakras since, but it’s ok.

They also reiterated that I am taken care of. I’m not meant to struggle, so to have faith. I’ve heard this before. I’ve told myself this before, but there’s something about higher level beings saying it that makes it easier to believe. Which isn’t how faith is supposed to work, but whatever. 😀

Then, I had time left, and out of all the questions I could ask, I decided to ask about Susan. She’s been on my mind a lot as I write my novel, which I haven’t even discussed in my blog. Spoiler alert: Writing a novel. It’s 80% done. And I took inspiration from an alternate history of Susan and I. What if we had met in Pensacola and got together? And then she still died? That’s all in the back story. It got rather emotional in the writing process, but that’s to be read.

With Susan on my mind, and the constant reminder that thinking about her will make me tear up every time, I asked. Poorly. I couldn’t even form the question properly because it’s so hard for me to put words to. How does a person you knew for all of a month have such a long lasting impact? Now I know. And I had no clue until I asked.

I haven’t listened to the recording again, so some of this might not be exactly right, but I couldn’t take notes during this section as it was too intense. Even now, it’s very hard to control the emotions and I’ve worked through a lot of this since the reading last week.

I don’t know the time period, but the last lifetime Susan and I were together we had a beautiful family. But Susan died younger (again), leaving me to raise multiple (possibly 4, need to listen again) kids on my own. She was needed somewhere else for something super important and knew I would be ok. (This theme in my lives needs to be a whole separate blog post because, come the fuck on? Why do I do this to myself repeatedly?)

Her death broke my heart, though I did succeed in raising the kids to be awesome people. I don’t know more than that, on the kid front. That heartbreak carried into this life, and who knows what others. I didn’t ask. Maybe that’s one of those questions only linear brains ask because time isn’t real. In any case, this heartbreak is what I suspect causes me to grieve relationships more than I should, making me cry when I’m not all that sad.

It also keeps me from fully connecting, which is interesting. I mentioned just a bit of this to my wife and she says she doesn’t feel like I’m holding anything back. But I wonder how this will change once I’ve healed this? Because I do feel the difference in how deeply I can love and express that love to my daughter vs adults. I wonder if that’s part of it?

(Taking my 3rd break already during this post to regain my composure because writing and crying in a coffee shop is not fun.)

So, at this point in the reading Susan shows up and I’m totally gone now, crying harder than I have in memory. To help start the healing I’m going to call it a care bear stare, as she blasted me with whatever I needed for healing. Then we finished up, things felt a little better, but it was a lot to take in.

That was on Thursday. Friday I drove to northern Colorado for a sales consultation. On the way back I stopped at an open space because I knew I needed to work on this more with her and hoped being in nature would help. I only wish I can prepared better for it. More tissues. Shorts. Realizing 3.8 miles on uneven terrain in 90+ degree heat was beyond my comfort level. But, I did it anyway. At least I had plenty of water.

Over the course of that time I was alone, completely, for all but the first 10 minutes. So I walked, and talked out loud, and cried, and laughed at the absurdity of my lives. I saw the parallels between that life and my life now with my wife. I tried to imagine what I felt in that prior life that I have no cognitive memory of and let the grief just happen, knowing she was there to fill me back up with love. I asked for the intensity to dial back when it got to be too much, then would dive back in when I felt I could handle it again. This repeated for about an hour and a half. I was cursing the damn sun and hill by the end, as I was getting a bit overheated, but I don’t regret the decision. I accomplished more healing in that time than I could have anywhere else.

I finally texted my wife the basic jist of it afterwards but still haven’t talked about it. She’s not doing well lately and I can’t do it without crying. And really, this is mine. This is my shit to heal so I’m better in this life and can go forward to the next clear. It’s very possible that next lifetime will be with Susan again, since my wife is probably going to take a break from the physical. In any case, our paths will continue to cross. Healing this will make all my future relationships better.

Now, the mystery is solved. Susan came into my life at a time when neither of us could be together, just long enough to set in motion this awareness ages later. So I’m not a complete and utter idiot, I just needed to heal a deep emotional wound from someone in my soul family. Being a human would be much easier if we just knew this shit instead of wondering for a decade or more.

Now, let’s play the synchronicity game.

  1. Songs. I always associated Pink’s Who Knew was always about Susan to me. Then, today I heard Mary Lambert’s When You Sleep and it almost destroyed me. Ok, that’s an exaggeration but seriously, this song is us. The bridge simply repeats “How did I miss you, when I didn’t know you?” It gave me chills, and lots of tears.
  2. I started reading Gift of Time by Robin Alexander. Two women are facing their traumatic past life together. It gets a lot more complicated than this, but of all the books, that’s the one I chose right before this reading and finished on Saturday.
  3. My book. In my book, the MC, Cam, loses her wife 5 years earlier and is taking a year to just heal and decide what to do as she turns 40. It’s a romance, so of course she meets someone which gives her the incentive to accelerate the healing process. She does this by purposely reliving the past, pain included, to face her fear of losing someone again. In the story she does that in the safety of her apartment. Since I don’t live alone I did it in wide open spaces but with no one around. But still, how is a story that came from a snippet of a dream turning into things I’m actively working on in my life? Easy, this is where I’m supposed to be, and my guides are badass and making sure I’m getting where I need to be.
  4. Oh, how did I find the Mary Lambert song is worth a separate bullet point. Yesterday, Melody asked to listen to Halsey like she always does in the car. Then, after our 5th or 6th time through My Ghost, she asked for She Keeps Me Warm. I don’t have it on my phone, so looked it up. It’s Mary Lambert and available on amazon music unlimited. So I downloaded all of her albums and just hit play on the most recent one. That lead to today’s discovery of When You Sleep. Who told Melody to request it, I wonder?

There are probably more that I can add when I remember them. Right now I’m just trying to control when this healing occurs. I’m finding times to purposely work on it, when I can safely process or experience it. And maybe, someday, I can think of her without crying.

So this is my life currently. I’m writing a book, making sense of my own past life stuff, with the current life stuff, while trying to also be an engaged mom and wife. All of which would be easy if I didn’t need to make money. Thank God for this new anchor.

For simplicity, I’ll link back to prior posts to fill in the backstory, though one is private. I doubt I could read it yet. But for public consumption:

https://butchjax.wordpress.com/2006/11/10/in-memoriam-susan-giesemann/

https://butchjax.wordpress.com/2007/02/03/hunches-confirmedquestions-of-loss/

https://butchjax.wordpress.com/2012/05/30/process-of-grief/

https://butchjax.wordpress.com/2014/07/30/visitors/

I hope to have a post before long with resolution of healing. But who knows. Healing is a funny thing. For now I’m grateful to know what I want to heal.

I absolutely intend to do another reading, once I have the emotional energy to deal with more intensity.

 

Edited to add: I forgot about one thing I noticed during this process. No matter how intense the release of emotions was, I never actually felt it. I felt zero pain. It’s like watching someone scream on a video with the mute on. I knew they were screaming but never had the sensation of it. I knew my face showed my pain, but I didn’t experience the pain at all.

I just asked my friend Shamus about it, because I suspected this was not normal. (And all the normal people reading this just probably said, no shit that’s not normal. lol)

Here’s what he passed onto me from his guides.

“The answer I was just given was you’ve spent a life time blocking yourself off from emotion because it was easier. You can’t expect the walls to come down in a day. You’ve begun dismantling them but it will take time. Keep persevering. The image is more like ice thinning in the heat.”

So I have that to look forward to? Do I have to? Shit, now I wonder if that’s why I shut down so young! If I came in with this heartbreak, and then the world kept stomping on my heart, coupled with an autistic brain, that could easily overwhelm a child. And now my whole life looks completely different. Wow… I could be wrong, but it’s a new possibility I never imagined. Another layer of the onion.

It makes sense finally

I have felt more comfortable in the straight world my whole life and I never knew why. While some can be chalked up to the fear of judgement for being more blatantly queer (even though I am blatantly butch), it didn’t explain everything. Just now it all came together and I am relieved.

I suck at reading social cues. It’s the most obvious way that I land on the Autism spectrum. The relevance to this issue is I don’t know when people are being friendly vs hitting on me. When is flirting friendly and when is it trying to move forward? In the straight world it’s irrelevant. It’s all business so to speak. But in the queer world? I have no clue.

It really made sense when I noticed little to no anxiety around gay men. It’s only around queer women. There is some around other butches when I am in the straight world (still working on the fear of judgment obviously). But this makes a ton of sense now.

I have never been one to go out and socialize. Introversion plus autism and no real interest in party substances doesn’t lend itself to parties, bars or clubs. And since I have been in a committed relationship since I was 21 there wasn’t need to explore this.

In the last week I went to a Masculine of Center meetup and a queer toastmasters group. This is more community than I have had in decades probably. And I had far less anxiety than I expected. I am making progress in this area. Hopefully this realization will allow even greater comfort levels with my community.

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