It makes sense finally

I have felt more comfortable in the straight world my whole life and I never knew why. While some can be chalked up to the fear of judgement for being more blatantly queer (even though I am blatantly butch), it didn’t explain everything. Just now it all came together and I am relieved.

I suck at reading social cues. It’s the most obvious way that I land on the Autism spectrum. The relevance to this issue is I don’t know when people are being friendly vs hitting on me. When is flirting friendly and when is it trying to move forward? In the straight world it’s irrelevant. It’s all business so to speak. But in the queer world? I have no clue.

It really made sense when I noticed little to no anxiety around gay men. It’s only around queer women. There is some around other butches when I am in the straight world (still working on the fear of judgment obviously). But this makes a ton of sense now.

I have never been one to go out and socialize. Introversion plus autism and no real interest in party substances doesn’t lend itself to parties, bars or clubs. And since I have been in a committed relationship since I was 21 there wasn’t need to explore this.

In the last week I went to a Masculine of Center meetup and a queer toastmasters group. This is more community than I have had in decades probably. And I had far less anxiety than I expected. I am making progress in this area. Hopefully this realization will allow even greater comfort levels with my community.

Review of Perfect Rhythm by Jae

I am 39 years old. The concept of being asexual and other sexualities mentioned in the book is still only vaguely in my world. Since I didn’t need to understand it in depth I hadn’t researched it even though I likely land somewhere in there. I am married to an understanding woman who also has major chronic illnesses so a lot of our differences aren’t an issue anymore.

In spite of my lack of knowledge I wanted to understand and feel this book was a perfect introduction for me. Fiction had a way of relating concepts that is more enjoyable. It’s similar to hoe Stone Butch Blues introduced me to being butch, even if that way of being butch isn’t how I experience being butch, having an example to relate to was beneficial. In this case, I learned a lot about how I am similar to people that are asexual, and how I am different. It will take more research to see if I actually fit into these categories or not. This was an enjoyable kick start to that research.

As for the book itself, I loved it. There were so many times when I could see it all playing out. And it totally made sense to me that after years of being sexualized, Holly’s asexuality would be perfect.

As much as I enjoyed the other two books I have read by Jae, I think this is my favorite. It’s really connected to me. I wish others could suspend their criticism of how the world has changed to give people more language to define themselves. But not everyone will. This book definitely process the opportunity to grow in this area. Highly recommend it.

Nerves at the VA

Today I had my first appointment with physical therapy at the VA. I was rushing because I left the house late but still had time to sit for a few minutes. While there I wondered how I would be called. In my head I imagined hearing Lance Corporal Meyer again and it felt so weird in my belly. That’s not normal. But it’s the first time at the big hospital since doing the emotional purge in January.

Is this a sign of how much I have changed since then? A message to not go back to that time?

The appointment itself was fine. I was called as Ms Meyer and he asked if I want to be called by my first name. So that was fine. The appointment was interesting. Seems my back issue might be a core stabilization issue.

After I went to work at Bed Bath and the music is all 80’s and 90’s pop, with one of the first songs being Madonna’s Ray of Light which is now 20 years old. I clearly remember listening to it over and over while in A school (first training after boot camp and combat training). It’s a great album and was one that kept me sane while trying to hide my sexuality.

So today is turning into an interesting day that is likely going to process subconsciously. A reminder that things have changed. I am a new person and won’t go back to who I was 20 years ago, or even 1 year ago as a result of what I dealt with 20 years ago.

Late new moon ritual

I finally chose the focus for the growing moon – ease. Ease in business, my body, my relationships, my interactions, etc. Not reactive to the world and stressing, but being more fully me.

I came to this after having two interactions yesterday with an ease that never has never really been there before. None of them were huge, but they were surprising improvements. One was the adorable manager at the store I work in. The other was a random person at the store who looked male but really seemed to read queer to me. Trans? In any case, I get shy around people like me. The more like me the more shy I get. It’s dumb but it is something I haven’t released yet. So, when I noticed I casually said hello it stood out. Whatever is changing they are baby steps. Today I went back to being awkward. Lol

Tonight’s grid was interesting. The outer ring was for protection and removing of negativity. Clockwise from the top (north): labradorite, carnelian, Black tourmaline (facing away), moonstone (facing toward), smoky quartz. In the middle is chrysocola and aquamarine. They support the ease I desire.

I played with the order of stones but this is what worked. I like this one.

I forgot to mention I could really feel when the energy of the ritual kicked up. I suspect what I felt was my main guide showing up. I am not great at distinguishing entities. But that was cool.

Thoughts on weaning

I am lying in bed cuddling Melody to sleep. She asked for boobies and whined when I told her no. But not very long. She is ready.

As I lay here trying to burn this to memory I notice that our strongest point of connection is at my core. Her incubator in essence. While I am no longer directly providing part of her sustenance, energetically I am still contributing to her. And while the emotions only come in quiet moments where I think about these changes, it’s still going to take a bit of time.

What a strange experience!

Weaning

It’s been 4 days since our last nurse (I think). We officially went 3 years and 9 days. Never did I imagine breastfeeding this long. I am grateful for it. Grateful for the immune boosting. The bonding. As a not very physical person it was critical for our bond throughout.

Melody made the decision to be a little girl instead of a baby (we didn’t make either a negative just talked about the benefits of growing up.)

I am taking lecithin twice a day and so far so good. I don’t miss the pain of my daughter’s shallow latch. And we do lots of cuddles. But I am definitely more emotional right now. I am grateful this happened near ovulation and not while I bleed. Emotions are hard enough without extra hormones.

I hope it gets better soon and the production slows down enough so my body is finally my own again. I really want my boobs to shrink some and give me a break.

Here are some tweets I posted to show her journey. We will work on the bed more in the coming days. She has needed the comfort of sleeping with us. But she should be ok soon. We will also start potty training as soon as my wife can handle it. I have too much work to do to be much help with it unfortunately.

Bringing in 2018

(something glitched and this didn’t post. Good thing I checked before closing it. Originaly from Jan 4)

2018! And it’s already day 4? lol Life goes so fast, it’s mindblowing. But, I’ve approached it totally differently.
I worked through Christmas Eve, and then just chilled. The mother-in-law went into the hospital for pneumonia Christmas Eve, so rather than try to push through everything by working and watching the kiddo, I decided to just read books and hang out with family. I drove Uber a bit on Thursday and Friday, but my wife needed my help as well due to health issues. So I tried not to stress or worry. Lots of people were taking this time off anyway. My intuition didn’t freak out about it either, so it was a good choice. :-) And that choice lead to very interesting results.

I normally read a lot of non-fiction, self development books. But I’ve been feeling a pull to read fiction more to help my wife with her writing. I saw a post that were the 100 lesbian books to read and the very first book in the list grabbed my attention. So I looked it up, read the free preview, and liked it. Then I realized it was on Kindle Unlimited, which has a free 30 day trial. I signed up for that, then realized there was a free audiobook pairing if I signed up for the romance package on audible – again a free trial. And since then I have gone through at least 8 of Bridget Essex’s books which are all lesbian fantasy romances, with knights from other lands, werewolves, vampires and witches. Feel good stories that are amusing and interesting. I also read a cute book called Villians Don’t Date Heroes, which wasn’t nearly as good, but started me on this journey of lesser known books. In one of the last books I read, the main character is a normal witch living in an abnormal place. But what I realized as she would talk about rituals and the connections is that I actually wanted that. Not the details of it, but a spiritual practice that connected me to the larger energies of the moon and earth. So that lead me to my most recent endeavor.

It’s been years since I read anything witchy, so my memory was too hazy to know where to start. So I went online and started asking questions of my various pagan friends. I know I don’t want to do normal ritual. Calling a circle and all that just isn’t my thing. But I know there’s a lot of energy available to amplify my intention. So I received some good information, mostly about trusting my intuition, since I was being pulled in this direction. Tonight I did my first ‘ritual’, even though it’s a few days past the full moon. Here’s what I did.

First, I cleaned my office. I just couldn’t do ritual work in the mess. It’s not super organized, but the floor is cleaned up and well vacuumed, the general clutter is out of sight, and I had room to set up. Then I pulled down my salt lamp, which I turned on. I was told the colors of the full moon are white, blue and orange, so I chose 3 stones that matched from my collection: orange calcite, white quartz, lapis lazuli (egg shaped), and a selenite egg that I held in my hands throughout. I also added a nice big chunk of labradorite. Then I sat before them. First I took a few breaths, clearing my mind. Then I did an MBO for ease in releasing self judgment, which is what I’m focusing on releasing in the waning moon. I believe then that I called upon Luna, the Moon, and Gaia, the Earth, along with my spirit guides, to aid me with their energies with what I was trying to accomplish. I didn’t call upon any gods or goddesses, as that isn’t really my thing either. I had a nice little chat, felt the energy humming, and when I felt complete I did a bow. It felt very good to do something more purposeful than just saying a quick MBO. Then I put my primary stones in the basket of the salt lamp (it’s a basket of chunks of salt) and put it all away. Based on these results I plan to do this daily when possible to reinforce the intention and give me some connection time. I also have the moon phases in my calendar so I can now when to shift focus and pick a new one. I may try to do a longer ritual on those days, but I’m not worrying about it.

Another nudge my intuition gave was to make another lightsaber bracelet, after watching The Last Jedi twice. I felt like I needed the reminder again, given how challenging life has been. These bracelets take me about 4 hours to make. I could do it faster but the quality would suffer. And since I’ll wear this constantly for months I don’t want to sacrifice quality. Now if I can just take the time to make a how-to video I can check that off my list. I have been enjoying having it on.

The energies have been really odd the last few days. I find myself humming a lot. I don’t know what is all happening, but I’m assuming it’s changes that need to happen. It’s causing my appetite to be all weird. And sleep has been a challenge. But I’m trusting that it’s for the best. I mean, just getting nudges to do things for my spiritual life is a welcome change so it seems to be a good thing.

Business is starting to pick up. It’s looking like two projects are moving forward now, with potentially some others soon. I also met a guy who seems very nice and very interested in being an installer. He will be learning from my current installers and then should be a great way to simplify my project schedules. And we’re going to do our best to get into the home and garden show this year. Hopefully that makes for a great year of projects for us! And then with enough projects we have the money to invest in our own personalized lead generation system which keeps us growing quickly.

So right now, life is a challenge, but it’s looking up. Parenthood is quite the challenge with an almost 3 year old. It caused some major conflict between my wife and I last week. I reached out to friends again, and we have a plan of action. First, potty training. That is likely starting this weekend since we started getting Melody excited for it. This solves the biggest battle of the day – poopy diaper changes which are often painful for her. And I’m reading Happiest Toddler on the Block so I can be a better parent. I keep expecting too much from her cognitively. She’s so intelligent that it’s easy to do. There are so many awesome things about almost 3. Her understanding of holidays like Christmas and her upcoming birthday has been a blast. Her increased language, which was already impressive. Her new ways of playing with toys. It’s a lot of fun. What’s not fun is the other normal things about 3 – pushing limits, whining, etc. That’s where the book comes in. And soon we’re going to transition her to her own bed again and start weaning. It’s really time for me to have my body back completely. And it’s time for my wife and I to have our bed back, even though I love our cuddle times. It’s going to be hard for me to get used to not curling up with her. But it’s necessary. I know it’s not a one and done thing, but it’s time to give it a try again. I have two massive bags of m&ms for bribes. And toys. I think we can do it. lol

So that’s where I’m at right now to start the year. My physical is taking a break, though I’m looking forward to Tuesday night medicinal qigong with a little yoga mixed in. That will complement my Thursday morning qigong as well, so hopefully I start to feel better physically. I started doing the inversion table again, which I set to be more steep. And I am trying Moringa which is supposed to work even better than circumin for inflammation. I only just started, so I will see how I feel after working all weekend. We’re also researching kratom (I think that’s it) for my wife and maybe myself. I’d like to not be in pain so I can start exercising again. I know I could exercise at home, it’s just difficult to fit it in. So it’s going to be in there when I really feel the pull for it, like anything else in my life. :-)

Always a work in progress.

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