More writing synchronicity

I’m currently writing the prequel to my novel Dal Segno which tells the story of Cam and Sharon getting together. It’s been quite the adventure to shift backwards and figure out who these characters were as 18 and 19 year olds. Spoiler alert, there’s a lot more sex in this book. Anyway…

What’s been interesting is seeing how drastically different the character of Sharon is from what I first imagined. As I mentioned, perhaps not super explicitly, but she is loosely based on my dear friend and apparently prior life spouse Susan. I had a few false starts on this novel but am feeling good about where I am now, which is almost 22,000 words in.

A few days ago I had a dream where Sharon pulls Cam aside and shows her tickets to WWF wrestling. It was such an unexpected thing to dream about but why not? We were occasionally provided the opportunity to attend events at a discount, so that was feasible.

Then, two or three days ago I was talking to a friend of Sarah’s who was at Cherry Point around the same time. She’s helping me with research on Avionics training so I can make their story realistic. Anyway, I couldn’t remember when Susan was also there, so I googled her to find the memorial service speech. Thankfully I saved it on her Together We Served page because I didn’t find it anywhere else. This is where I saw things come together.

  1. Susan wrestled in high school on the boys wrestling team. I have asked her family if she ever watched ‘professional’ wrestling and she didn’t. So I believe the message was simple to point out that connection. I intend to play with it in the story, if it fits.
  2. Susan’s husband’s name was Warren. When I originally named Cam, the only Warren I knew was from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And he was an evil fuck who killed an amazing character, so it’s not a name I have a good association with. I feel like Susan nudged me toward that name as a signal that she was involved in helping me with this book.
  3. Reading the description of Susan in the obit, overall, read so much like Sharon. I know they were generic adjectives, but it just felt like I had intuitively picked up on the important elements for this character.

It’s going to sound really silly, but considering I literally burst into tears when the thought hit me, I don’t want to dismiss it as wishful thinking. My best understanding is that Susan is giving me closure in a completely different way in this lifetime by giving us a proxy story through this book.

It’s really quite the mind fuck to wrap my head around these timelines and lives. I’m trying really hard not to be too distracted from this life while I sort out this other life. It’s quite the journey and I hope the book is enjoyable for everyone else who reads it.

Easy vulnerability

Tonight I got to spend an hour and a half with my friend Peel and I realized so many things because of it and don’t want to forget them.

  1. That hour and a half felt timeless. I was surprised how short the time was and honestly would not be surprised if some beings gave us a nice little time bubble because we talked about a lot of shit in that short time!
  2. The initial purpose, besides genuinely enjoying our time shooting the shit, was so I could talk to her about her experiences growing up as a military kid, joining the military while being an openly gay black masculine of center woman. I was looking for insight into my character who is all of those things except latinx and more feminine. I did come away with a character insight – that she’d be ridiculously prepared to play the military politics game. But more importantly I learned some amazing things about my friend’s life.
  3. We were both in the military at almost the same time, yet our experiences couldn’t be more different. Part of that is our personalities, which are so different but complimentary. Part of that is the nature of the Navy vs Marine Corps. And part is just the differences in soul journeys. I can say that my life would have been infinitely more interesting if we’d known each other then!
  4. We both have recently gone on a journey to understand ourselves more and just happened to have our awarenesses that opened up our hearts around the same time. So the last two times we’ve hung out it’s been incredible intimate and vulnerable, which sounds weird to write. In my younger years I would have been very confused by this, but this is very clear to me that it’s just an easy friendship. It’s super easy to share our experiences with each other. And yet, two years ago when we met, I wasn’t this comfortable. I knew I liked her and thought she was a ridiculously cool person, but this ease is mindblowing to me.
  5. I have never used the word ease to define me. But today has been just that, ease. I feel comfortable in my skin. In my head. Confident. It’s amazing. It’s also funny because I need to write a character that is the exact opposite of this right when I’m finally leaving it behind!
  6. And finally, it dawned on me right before I got home. The other reason I love to hang out with Peel is because we don’t have a history so we just take each other as we are. Anyone who’s known me for any real length of time is so used to treating me with kid gloves when it comes to feelings that they haven’t figured out they don’t need to. That I can talk about a lot of things since the big healing with Susan. And I want to talk about it. I want to be closer to people, but it feels like most are still keeping me at the distance I preferred before. I don’t exactly know how to bring that up yet, but I apparently will have to.
  7. Finally finally, I love having Peel as a friend. She totally laughs at my indecisiveness but she’s also my champion and supports my endeavors. And I think she’s an amazing business person and all around badass who just gets shit done. It feels amazing to have a friend like this. Who knew two lone wolves would get along so well?

My first akashic reading

I was so lucky to get an akashic record reading from Erin, a local woman in the Denver metro area. We’re in a few groups together I think and I’m so lucky to have met her. I highly recommend her. She can do readings over skype, which is what I did due to logistics, so if this sounds at all interesting, reach out.

FB: https://www.facebook.com/EtherealCultivation/

Website: https://www.etherealcultivation.com/

Onto the important stuff, for me at least. I went into this not ever doing a reading like this. I know of the records, I know there are ways to access them, but never had luck myself.

I chose to start with the cause of so much financial struggle. When she answers it’s actual a channeling of Akashic record keepers so I’m glad I took notes and recorded it. It boiled down to me being too in my head. The struggle is entirely my own fault, getting in my own way. They talked about being ungrounded. While I’ve developed my higher chakras very well, I hadn’t developed my lower ones. They mentioned a chakra I never heard of called the Earth Star Chakra. It’s located about a foot below the feet. They led me through a guided meditation to create an anchor with it, grounding me into the earth instead of just to the surface of it.

I will write up the details later when I can transcribe, but it involves creating a loop around the solar plexus chakra, then take that bar down and around the next two chakras, and then down into the earth until hitting that earth star chakra. Then visualize the sides of the anchor coming out, keeping me firmly grounded deep into the earth. There were a few more details, but just doing that should be enough for a decent anchor honestly.

Talk about a powerful grounding process! I instantly felt better. Now, as soon as I catch myself worrying or stressing I focus on that anchor. It pulls me back and eases everything up immediately. I haven’t had time to spend on those lower chakras since, but it’s ok.

They also reiterated that I am taken care of. I’m not meant to struggle, so to have faith. I’ve heard this before. I’ve told myself this before, but there’s something about higher level beings saying it that makes it easier to believe. Which isn’t how faith is supposed to work, but whatever. 😀

Then, I had time left, and out of all the questions I could ask, I decided to ask about Susan. She’s been on my mind a lot as I write my novel, which I haven’t even discussed in my blog. Spoiler alert: Writing a novel. It’s 80% done. And I took inspiration from an alternate history of Susan and I. What if we had met in Pensacola and got together? And then she still died? That’s all in the back story. It got rather emotional in the writing process, but that’s to be read.

With Susan on my mind, and the constant reminder that thinking about her will make me tear up every time, I asked. Poorly. I couldn’t even form the question properly because it’s so hard for me to put words to. How does a person you knew for all of a month have such a long lasting impact? Now I know. And I had no clue until I asked.

I haven’t listened to the recording again, so some of this might not be exactly right, but I couldn’t take notes during this section as it was too intense. Even now, it’s very hard to control the emotions and I’ve worked through a lot of this since the reading last week.

I don’t know the time period, but the last lifetime Susan and I were together we had a beautiful family. But Susan died younger (again), leaving me to raise multiple (possibly 4, need to listen again) kids on my own. She was needed somewhere else for something super important and knew I would be ok. (This theme in my lives needs to be a whole separate blog post because, come the fuck on? Why do I do this to myself repeatedly?)

Her death broke my heart, though I did succeed in raising the kids to be awesome people. I don’t know more than that, on the kid front. That heartbreak carried into this life, and who knows what others. I didn’t ask. Maybe that’s one of those questions only linear brains ask because time isn’t real. In any case, this heartbreak is what I suspect causes me to grieve relationships more than I should, making me cry when I’m not all that sad.

It also keeps me from fully connecting, which is interesting. I mentioned just a bit of this to my wife and she says she doesn’t feel like I’m holding anything back. But I wonder how this will change once I’ve healed this? Because I do feel the difference in how deeply I can love and express that love to my daughter vs adults. I wonder if that’s part of it?

(Taking my 3rd break already during this post to regain my composure because writing and crying in a coffee shop is not fun.)

So, at this point in the reading Susan shows up and I’m totally gone now, crying harder than I have in memory. To help start the healing I’m going to call it a care bear stare, as she blasted me with whatever I needed for healing. Then we finished up, things felt a little better, but it was a lot to take in.

That was on Thursday. Friday I drove to northern Colorado for a sales consultation. On the way back I stopped at an open space because I knew I needed to work on this more with her and hoped being in nature would help. I only wish I can prepared better for it. More tissues. Shorts. Realizing 3.8 miles on uneven terrain in 90+ degree heat was beyond my comfort level. But, I did it anyway. At least I had plenty of water.

Over the course of that time I was alone, completely, for all but the first 10 minutes. So I walked, and talked out loud, and cried, and laughed at the absurdity of my lives. I saw the parallels between that life and my life now with my wife. I tried to imagine what I felt in that prior life that I have no cognitive memory of and let the grief just happen, knowing she was there to fill me back up with love. I asked for the intensity to dial back when it got to be too much, then would dive back in when I felt I could handle it again. This repeated for about an hour and a half. I was cursing the damn sun and hill by the end, as I was getting a bit overheated, but I don’t regret the decision. I accomplished more healing in that time than I could have anywhere else.

I finally texted my wife the basic jist of it afterwards but still haven’t talked about it. She’s not doing well lately and I can’t do it without crying. And really, this is mine. This is my shit to heal so I’m better in this life and can go forward to the next clear. It’s very possible that next lifetime will be with Susan again, since my wife is probably going to take a break from the physical. In any case, our paths will continue to cross. Healing this will make all my future relationships better.

Now, the mystery is solved. Susan came into my life at a time when neither of us could be together, just long enough to set in motion this awareness ages later. So I’m not a complete and utter idiot, I just needed to heal a deep emotional wound from someone in my soul family. Being a human would be much easier if we just knew this shit instead of wondering for a decade or more.

Now, let’s play the synchronicity game.

  1. Songs. I always associated Pink’s Who Knew was always about Susan to me. Then, today I heard Mary Lambert’s When You Sleep and it almost destroyed me. Ok, that’s an exaggeration but seriously, this song is us. The bridge simply repeats “How did I miss you, when I didn’t know you?” It gave me chills, and lots of tears.
  2. I started reading Gift of Time by Robin Alexander. Two women are facing their traumatic past life together. It gets a lot more complicated than this, but of all the books, that’s the one I chose right before this reading and finished on Saturday.
  3. My book. In my book, the MC, Cam, loses her wife 5 years earlier and is taking a year to just heal and decide what to do as she turns 40. It’s a romance, so of course she meets someone which gives her the incentive to accelerate the healing process. She does this by purposely reliving the past, pain included, to face her fear of losing someone again. In the story she does that in the safety of her apartment. Since I don’t live alone I did it in wide open spaces but with no one around. But still, how is a story that came from a snippet of a dream turning into things I’m actively working on in my life? Easy, this is where I’m supposed to be, and my guides are badass and making sure I’m getting where I need to be.
  4. Oh, how did I find the Mary Lambert song is worth a separate bullet point. Yesterday, Melody asked to listen to Halsey like she always does in the car. Then, after our 5th or 6th time through My Ghost, she asked for She Keeps Me Warm. I don’t have it on my phone, so looked it up. It’s Mary Lambert and available on amazon music unlimited. So I downloaded all of her albums and just hit play on the most recent one. That lead to today’s discovery of When You Sleep. Who told Melody to request it, I wonder?

There are probably more that I can add when I remember them. Right now I’m just trying to control when this healing occurs. I’m finding times to purposely work on it, when I can safely process or experience it. And maybe, someday, I can think of her without crying.

So this is my life currently. I’m writing a book, making sense of my own past life stuff, with the current life stuff, while trying to also be an engaged mom and wife. All of which would be easy if I didn’t need to make money. Thank God for this new anchor.

For simplicity, I’ll link back to prior posts to fill in the backstory, though one is private. I doubt I could read it yet. But for public consumption:

https://butchjax.wordpress.com/2006/11/10/in-memoriam-susan-giesemann/

https://butchjax.wordpress.com/2007/02/03/hunches-confirmedquestions-of-loss/

https://butchjax.wordpress.com/2012/05/30/process-of-grief/

https://butchjax.wordpress.com/2014/07/30/visitors/

I hope to have a post before long with resolution of healing. But who knows. Healing is a funny thing. For now I’m grateful to know what I want to heal.

I absolutely intend to do another reading, once I have the emotional energy to deal with more intensity.

 

Edited to add: I forgot about one thing I noticed during this process. No matter how intense the release of emotions was, I never actually felt it. I felt zero pain. It’s like watching someone scream on a video with the mute on. I knew they were screaming but never had the sensation of it. I knew my face showed my pain, but I didn’t experience the pain at all.

I just asked my friend Shamus about it, because I suspected this was not normal. (And all the normal people reading this just probably said, no shit that’s not normal. lol)

Here’s what he passed onto me from his guides.

“The answer I was just given was you’ve spent a life time blocking yourself off from emotion because it was easier. You can’t expect the walls to come down in a day. You’ve begun dismantling them but it will take time. Keep persevering. The image is more like ice thinning in the heat.”

So I have that to look forward to? Do I have to? Shit, now I wonder if that’s why I shut down so young! If I came in with this heartbreak, and then the world kept stomping on my heart, coupled with an autistic brain, that could easily overwhelm a child. And now my whole life looks completely different. Wow… I could be wrong, but it’s a new possibility I never imagined. Another layer of the onion.

It makes sense finally

I have felt more comfortable in the straight world my whole life and I never knew why. While some can be chalked up to the fear of judgement for being more blatantly queer (even though I am blatantly butch), it didn’t explain everything. Just now it all came together and I am relieved.

I suck at reading social cues. It’s the most obvious way that I land on the Autism spectrum. The relevance to this issue is I don’t know when people are being friendly vs hitting on me. When is flirting friendly and when is it trying to move forward? In the straight world it’s irrelevant. It’s all business so to speak. But in the queer world? I have no clue.

It really made sense when I noticed little to no anxiety around gay men. It’s only around queer women. There is some around other butches when I am in the straight world (still working on the fear of judgment obviously). But this makes a ton of sense now.

I have never been one to go out and socialize. Introversion plus autism and no real interest in party substances doesn’t lend itself to parties, bars or clubs. And since I have been in a committed relationship since I was 21 there wasn’t need to explore this.

In the last week I went to a Masculine of Center meetup and a queer toastmasters group. This is more community than I have had in decades probably. And I had far less anxiety than I expected. I am making progress in this area. Hopefully this realization will allow even greater comfort levels with my community.

Review of Perfect Rhythm by Jae

I am 39 years old. The concept of being asexual and other sexualities mentioned in the book is still only vaguely in my world. Since I didn’t need to understand it in depth I hadn’t researched it even though I likely land somewhere in there. I am married to an understanding woman who also has major chronic illnesses so a lot of our differences aren’t an issue anymore.

In spite of my lack of knowledge I wanted to understand and feel this book was a perfect introduction for me. Fiction had a way of relating concepts that is more enjoyable. It’s similar to hoe Stone Butch Blues introduced me to being butch, even if that way of being butch isn’t how I experience being butch, having an example to relate to was beneficial. In this case, I learned a lot about how I am similar to people that are asexual, and how I am different. It will take more research to see if I actually fit into these categories or not. This was an enjoyable kick start to that research.

As for the book itself, I loved it. There were so many times when I could see it all playing out. And it totally made sense to me that after years of being sexualized, Holly’s asexuality would be perfect.

As much as I enjoyed the other two books I have read by Jae, I think this is my favorite. It’s really connected to me. I wish others could suspend their criticism of how the world has changed to give people more language to define themselves. But not everyone will. This book definitely process the opportunity to grow in this area. Highly recommend it.

Nerves at the VA

Today I had my first appointment with physical therapy at the VA. I was rushing because I left the house late but still had time to sit for a few minutes. While there I wondered how I would be called. In my head I imagined hearing Lance Corporal Meyer again and it felt so weird in my belly. That’s not normal. But it’s the first time at the big hospital since doing the emotional purge in January.

Is this a sign of how much I have changed since then? A message to not go back to that time?

The appointment itself was fine. I was called as Ms Meyer and he asked if I want to be called by my first name. So that was fine. The appointment was interesting. Seems my back issue might be a core stabilization issue.

After I went to work at Bed Bath and the music is all 80’s and 90’s pop, with one of the first songs being Madonna’s Ray of Light which is now 20 years old. I clearly remember listening to it over and over while in A school (first training after boot camp and combat training). It’s a great album and was one that kept me sane while trying to hide my sexuality.

So today is turning into an interesting day that is likely going to process subconsciously. A reminder that things have changed. I am a new person and won’t go back to who I was 20 years ago, or even 1 year ago as a result of what I dealt with 20 years ago.

Late new moon ritual

I finally chose the focus for the growing moon – ease. Ease in business, my body, my relationships, my interactions, etc. Not reactive to the world and stressing, but being more fully me.

I came to this after having two interactions yesterday with an ease that never has never really been there before. None of them were huge, but they were surprising improvements. One was the adorable manager at the store I work in. The other was a random person at the store who looked male but really seemed to read queer to me. Trans? In any case, I get shy around people like me. The more like me the more shy I get. It’s dumb but it is something I haven’t released yet. So, when I noticed I casually said hello it stood out. Whatever is changing they are baby steps. Today I went back to being awkward. Lol

Tonight’s grid was interesting. The outer ring was for protection and removing of negativity. Clockwise from the top (north): labradorite, carnelian, Black tourmaline (facing away), moonstone (facing toward), smoky quartz. In the middle is chrysocola and aquamarine. They support the ease I desire.

I played with the order of stones but this is what worked. I like this one.

I forgot to mention I could really feel when the energy of the ritual kicked up. I suspect what I felt was my main guide showing up. I am not great at distinguishing entities. But that was cool.

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