It’s really funny how grief changes as new information becomes available. As I’ve gone through the process of finally grieving for the right reasons over Susan I’m learning more about it. And realizing so many things about myself. I talked about one aspect the other day. Seeing the root to desire to be right, or to win, is valuable of course. I’ve seen how much my brain can be hijacked by something. For days I’ve spent most of the day pondering different aspects of the past. Part of it was spent trying to remember new details from 12 years ago. Part of it was spent pondering ‘what if?’ in both positive and negative ways. Some big things kept coming up.
1. How can I hide something or miss something so big? Even when she died I couldn’t put it together, but that’s partially due to lack of detailed memory of that time. I just knew my heart couldn’t let go. At this point I know I’m capable of it in general because I don’t tear up thinking of my best friend who died more recently and who I talked to daily for years (at least I usually don’t). I knew something was different, but seriously, shouldn’t it be easier? I’m so oblivious… had we spent more time together she would have realized that as well. lol
2. I’ve found many ways of looking at the what if’s and there’s no way I’d give up my life now. It’s not just loving my wife, it’s knowing all we went through together. Would she have survived? Would I have learned all I did spiritually? So much of my journey was triggered by struggles and her experiences, which is one reason why we have a soul contract together. And as I looked at the results of Susan’s life and death I see how important it was to her step-mom and dad’s spiritual journey. I have to admit that while there are a few regrets perhaps, she made the right decision in light of our soul contracts/paths. So my brain focuses on the ways I wish things had gone to provide resolution years ago.
3. Andrea said the sensation I was feeling in my heart was the healing of it being broken. That’s a good thing I guess. Weird. But good.
4. I still don’t have a good reason for grieving so hard over people. I know where they are. I know they are fine. I have no fears about that. But they aren’t accessible to me. I’m grateful to Carrie for getting me the information she has, I truly am. But it’s not the same as talking directly, one on one. I’d say different things in that instance. However, I reminded myself that the only way for that to happen is to train. I can’t sit around and be sad, I can’t ponder what I lost, I have to turn that into motivation.
5. I catch myself in that weird process of grief where I don’t believe she’s really gone, because I desire to talk to her. It’s a weird feeling. It’s especially weird 6 years after the fact. However, looking at how quickly I’m processing and releasing it as the dominant thought of my brain I’m sure that will pass too. That leaves the last bit that I’m not sure how to actually deal with.
6. I’m afraid to let it go too much. To let her go. I don’t know how it’ll feel after this process, but I don’t want to lose that connection because I have so few to people. This is similar to something David said, the pain proves it was real. I’m also afraid to forget the little I have. There’s no one else who can fill in the gaps either which is why I’m trying to so hard to remember anything else and I don’t want to let the memories go. It’s a bit hard to walk that line to remember it but not obsess. I actually want to be able to focus on other things. However, I’m not getting yelled at for my process so I must be doing it ok. If I stagnate too much I’m sure T will jump my ass. Until then I’m allowed to heal however I need to.
Hopefully I won’t be rambling on anymore about this. lol Then again, I might learn something more. Who can know what the future holds? In any case, time for a quick-ish email and meditation so I can get to sleep before midnight.