Yesterday Carrie made the decision to tell me about our female guard (the spirits that keep all the other spirits away from Carrie in particular who I know I’ve talked about but I can’t find where now…)
This came about because we were walking to the bedroom when Carrie became distracted by something. She said that “she took it away”, which was confusing at first. Basically she made the distraction go away. And then she touched Carrie’s hand. So, once we were in the living room, Carrie decided to tell me what she learned in the past day or so. You see, we’ve had this guard for a while, but she never talked. The one time Carrie got her to talk, she wouldn’t say her name and only said a few words. So, the other day Carrie notices someone new, a cute girl in dress blues, sword and all. She asked who she was, and she said I’ve been her for a while. Then Carrie realized it was the guard we’d had, but she also realizes she looked familiar. It took a minute before she realized why. It was Susan. Granted Carrie’s only seen a few pictures, so I guess it isn’t a suprise that she didn’t realize it before. I think she only spoke this time because she’s going to be going somewhere else in a few days, which I assume means we’re getting someone new. I guess we’ll see.
She did have two messages for me though. She wanted me to know that I’m a good Marine, which is something I tend to know, but it’s still good to hear. And her other comment made no sense to Carrie, but she figured I would know. She said, “Well, it isn’t the pearly gates, but…” and then she smiled and shrugged. It made me instantly smile and laugh a little too, so I had to explain it to Carrie as best I could, though it’s not easy to verbalize. I guess it’s just one of those Marine things that gets internalized, but you can get a clue by reading the Marine Corps hymn and taking special note of the third verse.
If the Army and the Navy ever look on Heaven’s scenes
They will find the streets are guarded by United States Marines
So…it’s interesting to know this for sure now. I have had some hunches, but no way to confirm them. And it really didn’t matter honestly. It’s that whole tree falling in the forest thing; If there’s a spirit in your house, but you can’t interact with it, does it really matter who it is? It does a bit, but not as much as it would if I could hear her. Granted, Carrie said she wouldn’t have talked anyway, because she clearly takes her new job very seriously and was never talkative. But I can’t help but wonder if things would have been different if I could interact. All time I guess…
Anyway, the real implication of all of this is my renewed sense of loss that comes at knowing she’s leaving. This leaves me puzzled once again, because I just don’t understand my reactions. I spent quite a bit of time last night lying in bed, trying to understand, which really didn’t get my far. And since this is a bit hard to write about, I’m going to cut here and see what comes out while I write.
I thought I was doing really well with this whole Susan/death thing, primarily after writing for a few pages in my journal. Then, last night, it triggered something because I’m crying again with very little warning. And that’s beyond annoying! It’s even more puzzling because, if she hadn’t mentioned it, I wouldn’t have known the difference really. So what’s the big deal? What is this loss issue?
Here’s where it get’s wierder. It’s only triggered with important people. Or is it? Hmm…it’s really quite odd, because I have a strong reaction to leaving a few people. I don’t like to leave Carrie for even a few days. And that’s a situation where I’ll see her again shortly. I’m find once I’m where I’m going, or vice versa, but the leaving itself sucks. And this has happened all over the place in the past. Leaving LA on that first trip, leaving Florida after C school, the times when Carrie visited her family…it seems so silly. And it’s also confusing because once I get moving in the direction of travel, I’m quickly fine. I focus in on the adventure and don’t have any problems. But that transition…ugh. This whole emotional sensitivity thing is not fun, at all! I know there are perks, but it’s so uncontrollable that it can drive me nuts. It also destroys that ‘tough’ image I like to put on in public.
I don’t know why perceived loss is so difficult. I come from an intact home, my parents were relatively available, and I didn’t even have people dying on me in childhood. I haven’t had large amounts of loss in my life, so where is it coming from? It makes no sense. It makes even less sense considering my spirituality. Hell, I can see Susan again. I can see anyone again. It’s not the same as physically seeing someone, but the important part is. So, what part of me is not in line with this belief? How can I get it there?
Anyway, last night I spent a bit of time talking to Susan and talking to myself about things in general. I haven’t gained any insight, though I woke up feeling a lot better than when I went to sleep. That’s happened each time I went to bed upset about Susan, which is intriguing but unknowable right now.
Other unknowable things. How did Susan end up on this assignment? Did she choose it, or were there ‘higher ups’ seeing the opportunity to get more bang for the buck out of this situation? I state that very very loosely as a way to explain something that isn’t something I understand at all. She was worried that it bothered Carrie that she tended to stay in the doorway/hallway area of the bedroom at night, keeping an eye on me. Carrie never asked her why she did it either, because in her experience people often don’t know why they watch who or what they do. I guess in the end, there’s a part of me that hopes that I was kind of important to her too, just like she is important to me in a completely inexplicable way. I really hope that some day, all of this will make some sort of sense. I’m sick of it confusing me like it does!
Wherever she goes, I’m guessing it’ll be another guard job. Whoever it is, that person is lucky to get someone who is so dedicated to their duty. I told her last night that we should try to do this whole life thing again next time. Hell, maybe even do the Marine Corps thing. After all, once a Marine, always a Marine, in life and in the afterlife. And I won’t have Carrie to keep me company. (probably)
As a final thought, I wonder if this issue isn’t about the past, but the future? I’ve mentioned before that perhaps people we connect with that we didn’t know in the past are actually people we will spend time with in the future. Perhaps this is also a future issue, knowing that this should be the final physical incarnation with Carrie for quite some time. I’ll add this to the growing list of things that just aren’t very knowable.