Meditation progress and new ancestor

Tonight the plan was for one of our guides to be with me in the meditation. She would send all sorts of messages to see if she could coax me higher and higher and get past these blocks.

I had a shorter amount of time due to getting everyone on a school schedule again. I shortened my prep time a little, and used the Relax Melodies deep meditation isochronic beats to help me. Once I felt everything shift, things moved relatively quickly.

The first thing I saw was a guy, kind of a used car salesman type, holding out his phone and asking if I knew about ___ (don’t remember the word, or the exact wording). I immediately energetically recoiled and said no. He went away. I learned after that she’d sent that image to me to start building me intuition for people who will try to sell me things I don’t need or that are actively harmful (like a health product that sounds good but isn’t.) She’s going to keep doing this, but making the offer more subtle each time.

Then there was a lot of energy moving around. The mediumship assignment this week was to connect to someone famous. Einstein has come up three times this week so I figured I should reach out to him. I was feeling a lot of energy changes that I can’t describe, but it was interesting. It felt big. Vast.

Then I got this vision of a woman in old clothing: a bonnet and dress with a cover. I don’t know clothes, but it was working clothes, not upper class. She was telling a story about stew? I saw her stirring something. I remember her saying something about a few women’s nethers, which to me meant underwear. So she was cooking and doing laundry? lol It got weird. She seemed like quite a character. Irreverent, outspoken, powerful.

In the debriefing I learned that this woman is apparently an ancestor, but one they can’t find. She doesn’t exist in the official ancestry trail. That soul has already reincarnated, so they can’t just ask. They’ll go to the ‘higher ups’ to try to figure it out. It feels like she was born to a woman in my line, which would mean a pregnancy that ‘never happened’ because the baby was dropped off. So sad. It’s most likely she’s in my mom’s line since there isn’t really anything in my dad’s line.

She’s likely the first in my line to have the spiritual and physical alignment to have ascended in that lifetime. Unfortunately, this energy was just an echo, an energy that I could find because we were in resonance, but not an energy I can interact with. They did stress that everything I recognized and admired in her is something that exists in me, so I need to start accepting it.

I was also told not to tell the family because it would interfere with other soul paths. It would be cool to discover who she is though. Maybe I have some distant relatives out there that I fit better with than my nearer relatives.

After she left, I kept reaching out and practiced holding my focus but didn’t get anything new. Either way, this was a lot of progress, especially with how exhausted my body is! We think I’ll be able to go full astral within a few weeks. Then things really get interesting.


Update: From the guides

The echo was really an ancestor, but the message was from me, to me. While I was meditating, Melody was talking about Minecraft (like 90% of the day) which has the nether world and the nether dragon which she was creating out of blocks today. Her energy was in every inch of this house. Chuckma is certain I was telling myself to ‘clean my nethers’, aka, clean up the energetic space and kick everyone else’s energy out.

Get big and claim my space.

That’s what’s been holding me back, the fear of being interrupted, or needed when I’m trying to take my time. I’m to go into meditation with the attitude of, I might get interrupted but I’m taking the time anyway.

Apparently today wasn’t just a step forward, it was a leap. Now I need to be careful not to push too hard and exhaust my body. And get a good DNA test and see if I can’t find this other line. It’s a mystery for the future though.

Reconnect the ancestors and take in the echoes. The echoes are parts of myself. A message to myself.

Soul interests

Ever since I learned about soul interests, which carries through all of our lives, I’ve struggled to figure mine out. I assumed teacher, but I wasn’t sure since I have so many interests. I’m truly a jack of all trades type. Well, it turns out there was a reason for it.

I’m more than a teacher, I’m a teacher of young souls. To guide younger souls requires a buttload of experiences, so I’ve always been a jack of all trades throughout my lives. Here are a few details in random order.

  • I’ve had a lot of military lives because that’s where a lot of younger souls end up. So it’s less about being a warrior, which was one soul interest possibility, and more about going to where these souls are and mentoring them both in the moment and sharing teaching that follows them throughout their life.
  • I’m super impatient with young souls. Apparently that’s to be expected because they are SUPER FRUSTRATING! But, apparently I’m good at it. I’ll keep working on my patience, but it’s funny to know that this is a thing.
  • The Jedi path was also a way for me to connect to the younger souls. It’s a paradigm that works for a certain subset of people. It’s also why I’m not super attached to the name, but use it as a means to an end in teaching a whole body/mind/spirit approach to life.
  • Even now, my writing is a way for me to plant seeds in people. From teaching meditation, to showing that life isn’t a one and done thing, I always have that goal in mind. Shift people a little closer to the larger truth of life.
  • I gave birth to a younger soul that needs A LOT. While I’ll still help people as I can, this child needs to bulk of my focus to guide her. Apparently I don’t even have until her teens to set her foundation. She’s going to be one of those kids who knows who she is and where she’s going much younger. So I might have 3 or 4 years? Son of a bitch. lol
  • Ellen was ‘mine’. When we met at Domino’s in 29 Palms, she didn’t want anything to do with people. She was small and quiet. In those few months she came into her own. Came out (at least to herself). And by the end of her far too short life, she’d found strength and really lived.
  • Writing movies allows me to plant so many more seeds! Holy crap! It goes beyond one to one conversations, or even small groups. I could touch the lives of millions. All I have to do is keep writing. That’s some powerful shit.

I wonder if knowing this will give me more patience. And grace with myself. I do need to spend more time focusing on my little family though. My wife has such a ridiculously challenging life. Despite being an old soul, she needs my guidance as well. And Melody? Well shit. lol On the plus side, all my work to incentivize good behaviors is paying off. She actually did a dragon breath today when she was getting frustrated! And she did a few minutes of qigong warmup with me.

It all matters. But I need to maintain my priorities. That includes self care and training so I can help my people. Besides, nothing is more powerful than living by example.

Rescuing fish dream

This morning I had a vivid dream. I was in ‘my’ house, but it wasn’t any house I know. It was unique, with features I can’t quite remember because they were so unexpected. My parents were there, helping with projects as they always do. I turned away from what my dad was working on and found all of my little guppies on the floor!

The aquarium was intact, with clean water, and it was quite large, perhaps 100 gallons? But the fish had jumped out! So I called for help in getting them scooped out and back in the water. The funny thing is, none of them died. They were fine back in the water, but they kept jumping out. Even the pleco. It finally slowed when I put a mesh lid on it.

With the lid on, the dream got cool. There were gaps that appeared on the seams, but the water didn’t fall out. And if I brought the fish close, it would get sucked in, like this weird negative pressure thing.

I looked up some dream interpretation sites and it’s unclear what this means. These aspects are all good though: Large tank, clean water, fish alive and stay alive.

One site referenced Llewellyn’s Complete Dictionary of Dreams that says dreaming about a fish tank is a visual reminder of the ideas and emotions that float around under the surface of your subconscious. If that’s true, it means my ideas and emotions are leaping free! More specifically: “A fish tank is a symbol that puts such ideas on display, like a reminder of the beautiful notions that are available to you if you look below the surface.”

Perhaps this references not just my emotions, but all of my creative endeavors. There are so many ideas, so many things I want to do, and that I want people to see! I think this is key, as normally I dream about large bodies of water when it’s an emotion based dream. As long as I care for these ideas, they will remain available and see the light of day. Hopefully. 😉

Another interpretation is that the fish represent emotions and how they are handled reflects how the emotions are handled. Fish jumping out of an aquarium is a sign that I want to change my environment or profession. I can agree with both of those, as I’d love to be a full time screenwriter and novelist. This site adds that clear water means change will improve my situation. Unfortunately I don’t know what change will. But at least this is positive.

I think, unless the guides can give me more info, I’ll focus on writing this week, working in solar as necessary. Without a major cash infusion, I can’t just stop doing it. Plus, I do enjoy a lot of it, just need to hire help to do the things I don’t enjoy so much.

Short meditation practice

Last night I had the worst insomnia. Even though I’d taken my trazadone and used the voxxlife REM sleep patch, I got no more than 15 minutes all night. I think the combination of that awesome meditation last night and maybe the solar eclipse and probably fighting Melody’s stomach bug meant I was going to play mindless games all night.

As of now, I’ve had a grand total of 45 minutes thanks to a nap in the morning. I’m doing alright though thanks to adrenaline and taking time to rest. My most recent rest time I decided to meditate, knowing I wouldn’t slow down enough to sleep.

I set the timer for 25 minutes. I didn’t do my full prep, in part because I was tired and it was harder to focus on it. But, I discovered awesome things. First, instead of listening to meditation music and letting my brain fill in with Matchbox Twenty, I turned on my Matchbox Twenty favorites playlist and kept the volume low. Holy crap, that actually worked. My brain didn’t bother adding music because it had what it wanted. I think I need it one tick lower next time, but I’ll figure it out.

Next, I connected to Mr. Prickly. That’s what I’m calling visitor number two from yesterday because he makes my skin a little prickly, like random tiny nerve spikes. Not painful, just noticeable. And it appears it might be an appropriate name for his personality as well.

Around the time I noticed him, I had this visual of two men in a quarrel. One had dropped the ball on something important, like adopting a kid or something? And the other was quite frustrated. I’m told that isn’t exactly it, but I’m at least getting in the ballpark for him. How cool is that?

Then he left and I’m pretty sure Susan was there, but since I couldn’t hear or see anything and her energy is very similar to the British woman’s, I’m not 100% sure. It wasn’t like this morning when I felt this happiness in my chest, but I didn’t get that feeling yesterday either. In time I’ll get better with it.

Twenty-five minutes goes fast, but I’m happy that I had progress even with lack of sleep and lack of prep time. I’m continuing to experiment with using my right brain more and connecting my third eye to my eight chakra (I think). I’m imaging that connection as a jumper that’s only installed during these meditations. I’m curious if anyone else has experienced this with mediumship. Either way, lots more to discover.

Mediumship breakthroughs

I’m taking a class from Suzanne Giesemann, Susan’s mom, through the Shift Network. It’s teaching soul to soul communication and is geared towards more than her normal mediumship classes to include connecting to spirit guides and such. It started Dec 1 and since then I have meditated for at least 30 minutes a day, except for one day. Today I managed a whole hour and only stopped because I had to pee.

She teaches a systemic approach to finding the right mindset. It actually started in a webinar a few weeks ago where she shared a shortcut to stepping into a more aware state which I found helpful right off the bat. But using this technique is more in depth.

I start with breathing to get relaxed and shifting out of the physical chaotic world. Then I reach deep to the chakra below my feet and ground, pull energy up to my head and back to my root chakra. I do various approaches depending on the day and how the energy moves. I also connect to the two higher chakras above my head. Then I tend to focus on my chakras just to feel them and get the moving. Finally, I try to find that zone where awareness is high and I can sense energies and maybe even hear.

I’m still figuring out where that space is. I’m experimenting with where I focus in. Sometimes it’s outside my body. Sometimes it’s on my 3rd eye. Sometimes higher chakras. I play with focusing my eyes to a point in the darkness. Sometimes I unfocus them. It’s a ton of experimentation.

There are times I get visuals. Times I get hints of words. Mostly it’s energy. The first day I had the biggest rush of energy, like I’d kicked open the door to the larger Universe. That was so intense and amazing! Since then I’ve naturally learned to more slowly ramp up and down.

Today was the biggest day yet. I was working really hard on staying open, relaxed and receptive. And then I felt this energy merge with mine. Literally, my body was so warm from my toes to my chest. I realized this was the merge process, but my head wasn’t involved so I spent a lot of time trying to merge more fully. I mean, it’s logical that merging energetically in my head would allow for clearer communication.

I received a visual of a bike helmet, and a British woman speak, but I couldn’t quite grasp what she was saying. It was weird because I thought that energy was Susan, but I kept hearing this British woman. Susan wasn’t British. lol So I asked, where are you from and got Liverpool. No clue if that was right, but hey, it was something. After a while she left. I can’t remember if that was before or after I said I wanted to stick with my team tonight while I’m learning.

Then the energy changed a lot. It felt dark. Not dark in a bad way, but where the woman was bright sunshine, this was like…the dark blue of twilight? I felt this tugging in my chest, heavy, but again not in a dangerous way. I also noticed some prickling sensations. If I recall, the energy seemed more intense emotionally. Like…it felt male and frustrated? I controlled my fear and continued working to receive more. I can’t recall if I asked for him to leave or not. It might simply have been me asking for Susan finally because I knew time was short.

The warm energy returned, and this time it was Susan, and I think she was helping me to connect and focus on different aspects. First I felt my head shoved to the right energetically. Like every bit of my focus was this thin plane on the right of my skull, totally squished. I asked something like, do I need to bring my right brain into this? I was able to expand then, more to the middle, but my focus remained on my right side. Then I felt this pull from my third eye up. Far. Normally I reach from my crown to get to the higher chakras, but my head was pulled back (perhaps literally, it was that strong a sensation) to point more upwards and connect. That sensation remained for a while.

I could feel my bladder more and more, so I actually said, I have to go pee soon, can I just have a hug. And I just basked in her energy. But here’s the best part. I didn’t cry! Not once!

Before I started, I was an emotional mess. We’d had a very rough day with Melody and I cried on and off all day. But in my meditation I started with an invocation to myself. Something like, there is a larger world and a larger me out there. One outside this story with the wisdom I require. One I can connect to with ease. And then, when I was seeking to merge in my meditation, I first merged with my own consciousness. I reminded myself to step out of the story of this incarnation. It helped significantly.

I have a lot to practice yet, but these were major steps.

Other random notes:

I did an MBO the past two sessions asking for no itches or tickles or scratchy throats that would take away from my meditation. It went significantly better than prior sessions.

The Relax Melodies app works well for me. I use one of the meditation songs and layer a river and forest songs on it. Granted, that doesn’t remove the music playing in my head, but at least tonight I successfully replaced the Elena of Avalor songs that have tortured me this week with Matchbox Twenty. haha

I may have caused my meditation timer app to glitch since it went off as intended, but instead of counting up the extra time it froze. As long as I don’t kill my fancy smart watch, I’ll live.

Oh, one thing to work on is to stay open and aware when merging. My brain was all, what is it? And focused hard on the new thing. I think that will improve quickly though.

Addressing homophobia with kids

Today Melody had an epic meltdown when we told her to get the nintendo and charge it before she played. This resulted in her screaming “I don’t know what to do” repeatedly. I knew this was more than boundary pushing, so I held her and tried to get her to calm down, or at least just let it out. It was hard.

I got her upstairs and she was already more calm, especially in her tent. I stayed calm, though I don’t know how and talked to her about feeling afraid, which she admitted so quietly after the meltdown that I barely caught it. I assumed it was all the anxiety in the country due to the election. I still say that’s a contributing factor, but this was bigger.

We’ve been talking about securing parental rights for a few days since the fiasco that is the Supreme Court. I went to a webinar yesterday which explained all the dangers and the options for protecting our family. There was a lot I didn’t know. The good news is that we can skip the adoption and do a parentage certification where the court simply says, these are the parents.

This morning my wife asked if we were going to do that, and I said we have to. She’s still angry about it, understandably so. This is always harder on the non-biological parent. She mentioned something about not bowing down to people who think she isn’t Melody’s mom. Well, it turns out Melody heard this. She wanted to process her big feelings with video games, and then I told her to charge it. Cue meltdown.

This wasn’t just today. She’s been realizing her family is different. Monday she said she thinks she’s the only person in the whole world with two moms. Last week or so she asked what a church was and I tried to explain. I also made sure to tell her that some churches don’t think we should be married or be a family. I also said that some churches have good people who don’t think that way.

She knows that she was in my belly. She knows we adopt pets who don’t have a home. What did that mean for her if she had to be adopted by her own mommy?

Big feelings.

Once we understood all this I explained that we’re her family. We aren’t leaving. She isn’t leaving. But we want a piece of paper that says that so we’re protected. It’s complicated, annoying grown up stuff.

She seemed okay after that. She’s sticking to mommy like glue, and will for a few days I’m sure. We’d already planned a mental health day for today, but now we’re definitely doing one. We can’t expect her to learn with so much to process.

We made it 5.75 years before having to address the homophobic world we live in. At least it wasn’t because of a hateful incident, but it still sucks.

Edited to add:

Melody just said, Mommy, I’m glad the whole world gets to know that you’re my mommy forever, no matter what.

And then she said we should have told her sooner. Which is her response every time she learns something about the world that she wasn’t ready for. lol

This kid… she’s something.

The ebb and flow of change

Tonight my guide was able to pop in for a bit. It’s rare since his energy is harder for my wife to handle, but he wanted to tell me good news and to say he was proud of me. I’m doing well, and have been.

Validation is good. But I admitted I’m afraid I’m going to lose the momentum. He knew, but I needed to say it. But when I look back to March, when I started all this fitness stuff, I’ve done a pretty good job. I’ve had weeks at a time where I didn’t do as much, but I’ve never fully given up. I keep trying to get a bit better, to be more forgiving of myself, to remember what I’m working toward… constant reinvention.

I’ve had a small idea in the back of my head to get a phoenix tattoo. Susan had one. I have a character named phoenix. And they represent that constant reinvention. But I’d need someone to design it to work with my Untamed tattoo.

I just got distracted googling phoenix tattoos. lol

Anyway… I think the reason I’m maintaining these changes more is because I’m prioritizing them over other things – and not work. I still spend time randomly on social media, but far less than before. Also, now that I really have a consistent schedule with my meds (thank you school), and I’ve adjusted to that increased dose, my brain works better. It’s such a nice feeling when those days work. It’s harder when I don’t get enough sleep, like the past two nights, but apparently I wouldn’t sleep deeply because I was worried about my wife. And since her brain has finally chilled out, I should be able to get some good sleep tonight.

Life is still very challenging. Too challenging to get into now because I have things to do tonight, even though it’s after 9:30, but right now there are a lot of bright spots ahead of us – and they aren’t trains. We are truly, finally, reaching the end of some very long and challenging tunnels. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m going to cry when the first big checks come in purely from relief. Things won’t necessarily be easy, but I’m looking forward to the changes.

And random side note, I got to ask about the ice chewing thing. It hits three things for me. 1. I hate having a dry mouth. 2. I like the taste. 3. The texture of chewy ice is amazing and makes my brain happy. It isn’t a sign of an iron deficiency for me. Just enjoyment.

What a week

So last weekend Ruth Bader Ginsberg died. I don’t need to explain why this is a big deal, so I’m going to focus on my reaction. I didn’t cognitively choose to, but I managed to shut down very thoroughly. I avoided social media. Tried to avoid news/posts/articles. All because I knew I couldn’t handle more reasons to be scared or angry. And that’s pretty much all people were reacting with.

The problem is, I can’t stay shut down. It’s not good for me. I gave it a day or so. At this point I’ve lost track of the order of events, but I went grocery shopping and couldn’t feel Susan. She usually pops in randomly, probably because it’s a time when I’m alone and bored. lol But I couldn’t feel anything. Twice on that trip the dog tag silencer came off my tags. They are the tags for my characters Cam and Sharon. They don’t come off often, but most of the time when they do I believe it’s Susan poking me.

I asked at home and T said she likes to poke me when I’m shutting down. But, while she’s strong enough to pop up in many situations, it still takes a lot of energy for her to manipulate physical things, so it’s hard to pinpoint whether she meant to do it right then or if she’d been trying for a while.

Ultimately I found a solution though. I went through my meditation apps and found a loving kindness meditation under the covid tab of Relax Melodies. It’s one of the most powerful meditations I’ve done in a while. I felt the energy so strongly, the love… it brought me back to myself and the world in a safe way.

Since then I’ve regained a lot of my senses. I’ve also continued minimizing my access to things that make me angry because I have way too much shit to do to waste time on things that don’t help me. And it’s helping a lot! I’m tentatively thinking that I’m finally getting this whole spiritual path stuff.

On to some pendulum work. First, it accidentally went through the washing mashing. I guess it’s clean now. hahaha Melody saw me starting to put it away and she wanted to try. Her hands aren’t very steady so I helped. At first she said, “Rock, will I have sweet dreams tonight?” It was hilarious. I taught her how to read a yes and no question by having her ask if she is 10 and if she is 5. I also helped her clarify her questions about the cats. It was really fun. The wonder on her face was the best.

I just did a few more questions. I had an awareness when I was walking back from Walmart tonight. If Cole is my and Susan’s kid from our past life, is my growth the defining factor in whether he shows up in this life/timeline? It turns out that’s only part of it. It really depends on all three of us (Carrie, Melody and I) deciding. So, who knows.

I also asked again if we’re going to have the money to avoid foreclosure, and it said yes. I then went through each of my projects on my board and used it to create tentative timelines. What to work on this week and what to wait until October for. That took pressure off me. It’s still a lot of work, but hitting the priorities is important.

On the physical side, I’ve started a 6 week 5k challenge with nerd fitness. I did my first workout last night, after sunset, just running back and forth on a stretch of trail. It was a 3 minute warmup walk, then 1 minute run with 2 minutes of walking, 7 times. Then a cool down. It wasn’t easy but it felt so good to do it! Hopefully I feel good tomorrow. I had to put the chin-up challenge on pause because I injured the hell out of my forearm and definitely can’t do any pulling on it for a while, especially since I aggravated it last night getting my high impact sports bra on. I’m not amused.

I’m still doing my daily walks and just added a daily meditation challenge.

Tonight we had soccer. Melody and I practiced before the team got there. After we did a nice walk. We need to practice a lot more so we’re going to have more exercise time together. I really want to lose the 5 pounds I had already lost before and then keep going to get below 160. And I want to be able to run with these kids and be a good example.

In October I’m doing a daily qigong challenge as well. Well worth the reduced time on social media to feel better on all levels. Plus, I’m getting more and more in tune. It’s great.

Tapping into dimensions

Today we had an informal soccer practice due to weather canceling our official practice. On the way home, I had this momentary flash where I knew we were driving home to mommy and Melody’s brother. Note: Melody doesn’t have a brother, nor is there one on the horizon. So, pretty weird.

I also know that on the next lower timeline we only have one kid. So I called Carrie and asked T if we have two kids in the next higher timeline. It turns out we do!

Here’s where it gets extra fun. Years ago, before the seizures derailed our plans (but after they’d already started) Carrie would have these vivid dreams of a potential future. She was a music producer. Most of the time we had a kid, Riley, who was sometimes a boy and sometimes a girl (probabilities are cool). Then she had a dream with a little boy named Cole. As the probabilities shifted due to health, those kids didn’t come to pass on this timeline.

Fast forward to today. There was always a chance Melody would have been a twin. It turns out, in one of the higher timelines, she is. There’s her and Riley. They are both intense. Riley is hyper focused on art, and has been since the age of 2. He will draw for hours. Hates sports and reading but loves art and chaos. He and Carrie are thick as thieves. That version of Melody is similar to this one but more rule focused. More serious. And they poke at each other constantly, both with an intense need for independence. T said she felt sorry for that version of me. lol

But in the timeline I tapped into, because I just know it was, we have Cole. He’s adopted, and while a year older than Melody seems like he’s 100. He and that Melody are super close. They sleep in the same bed and he rubs her back until they both fall asleep. He’s very close to both of us, though he had some struggles at first due to the trauma that landed him in foster care.

I still wonder if Cole will find us in this timeline. After that brief flash I had a bit of time where I missed him, like he was supposed to be here. I don’t have that same sense with Riley, though there was that chance if Melody had been a twin here. But realistically we couldn’t handle that with Carrie’s health issues.

I realized I could ask the pendulum about Cole. It turned out to be a very messy reading, with conflicting answers until I could get more precise. Currently, the probabilities are too undefined to answer whether Cole could come into our life in this timeline or not. It’s not impossible though. Then I asked if Cole was one of mine and Susan’s in our last lifetime and got a yes. And that’s why I tend to hold onto him more than Riley. Riley comes from Carrie. Cole comes from me. The connection to Susan makes that connection more emotional.

So, just when I thought life couldn’t get more fascinating and weird, it does.

But, this is a good sign. While this happened in part due to an energy shift, a year ago I wouldn’t have reached a high enough frequency to tap into the higher timeline. All these meditations to try to communicate with Susan are working to raise my vibration, even if it’s hard to tell in the moment.

I’ll keep working on it. Melody’s energy interferes a lot, so if I keep struggling I’ll start meditating in the basement which is more energetically calm. Hopefully I’ll have a breakthrough soon so I don’t have to wake up with earworms that Susan gives me following our dream chats (that I can’t remember).

At this point, the only drawback (besides it taking a lot of time) is that my tolerance for this low vibrational world is growing lower each day. It’s beyond frustrating. Which means I need more meditation and to keep finding ways to do better. And maybe that means my son will find his way to me and we’ll get to have another adventure. If not, that’s okay because I know it will be the most benevolent outcome for my life.

For my reference, here’s the dream Carrie had with Cole.

There is a boy, about 4 years old.  He has brought a crate over to my drumset and taken down all of the cymbals.  He then starts to beat on them while they’re lying on the floor.  Apparently he couldn’t reach them from the seat, but he really wanted to play!  Carrie wondered why I wasn’t making him stop, but really, if he’s not hurting anything, why interrupt?  He went to a lot of trouble to get those down, that ingenuity should be rewarded!  In any case, this was the ‘last straw’, so I went out and got one of those little kid drumsets.  When he saw it, his face lit up like it was the greatest thing ever!  We all put it together upstairs, but he kept trying to take it downstairs.  Apparently he was quite adamant about the drums being in the drum studio like mine!  It truly warms my soul and makes me giggle to think of this, even though I never saw the dream.  Carrie said it didn’t feel like he had been part of the family for very long, which means we’ve got to be adopting him.  That and he’s quite dark skinned, probably hispanic, and Carrie’s far too white to have that dark of a kid!  Lol

22 September 2006

I left the last line in there for a laugh. I had no idea I’d be having a kid back then. I didn’t until about 7 years ago to be honest. Oh, the things we knew but didn’t at the same time.

There are other dreams but they’re making me miss these kids that we don’t even have so I’m going to stop torturing myself and go to bed.

Journal prompt: Control

What things are truly in my control?

I ‘know’ the answer is basically how I react to things, but that doesn’t stop me from trying to control everything.

I’ve gotten better since I started using MBOs, since that allows me to put my intention out there and ask my team to help it come to fruition. I even have moments (rarely whole days) where I feel like everything is going to be ok, even when there isn’t any evidence to support the feeling.

That’s why qigong and meditation are so critical for me. My frustration just builds and builds and I go off so easily. Right now I’m working through the 10% happier meditation for skeptics program. I’m not sure what my options are in the app after. I finish the 10 step process today (as long as I meditate today).

My challenge there is I like to just let my mind run. It’s a different form of creative brainstorming. That’s not exactly what meditation is supposed to be, though. Maybe if I focus on breathing for 5-10 minutes first, letting the random thoughts settle, then start asking questions about what I’m working on, that will work better. But usually the random thoughts are about my various stories. Hmm…

Creativity is not something I can control. At all.

Another thing I can control is where I put my focus, as crappy as it is. I can choose to make to-do lists. I can refocus on them throughout the day. That makes a difference. So I can control what I do, to a certain extent. Sometimes there are things I just have to do, and that feels out of my control, but I can still control how I do those things.

I’m not a victim. I’m not out of control of everything. And while things suck and are frustrating, I still have choices to make on who I want to be, and what example I want to be for my daughter. Yes, ADHD makes emotional regulation hard. But I’m not helping her if I’m not trying. So while it doesn’t feel like I can control this, maybe I can with more practice and intent? I can’t give up on it either way.

Man, control is a bitch. lol

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