Soul healing

Last weekend we drove to Dallas to meet with my friend Andrea and her reiki master to do a soul retrieval for Carrie.  For background, souls are ‘lost’ during traumatic events.  Part of our core being, our soul, breaks away when it can’t cope with whatever happens.  This happens more often when something very traumatic happens but it can be from anything.  When we lose part of our self we are impacted the rest of our life because we’re less than what we should be.  It can be a source of fear or illness in our life.  Since we know Carrie has had some significant traumas and struggled mentally in some areas, we needed to push for this soul retrieval.

It’s Carrie’s personal stuff, but it went well overall.  Wiped her out physically, but it took care of the pseudoseizures.  With the intense healing her body/mind is able to handle more stress.  Unfortunately her straight up epileptic seizures are still hitting her hard.  We see the neurologist wednesday when we’ll push to have her admitted.  This medicine regimen is definitely not working so she’s sick and still having seizures.  They’re impacting her brain and body more than before, so the left side of her body is often numb or limp.

I don’t know what to do to fix this. The valium is already losing effectiveness so she only gets 4 good hours out of 20 mg, which is a lot and should last 8 hours.  We’ve stayed out of the ER for a week, but really that’s not that long in normal people time.  And now she’s fighting another virus or something which makes everything worse.  Hopefully it passes quickly.

Anyway…the process of soul retrieval is one that occurs over time, with the person remembering things as days go on.  We spent a few days working on traumas that have haunted her dreams and build her trust again.  I’m pretty sure she hasn’t had those nightmares since we were able to do that.  She’s still not sleeping well though, so I’m not sure how to make that better.  We hoped to get a second round of healing this weekend but the scheduling didn’t work out.  Carrie’s mom arrives this upcoming Friday and will be here through the 28th so it’ll be a while before we get back to this healing.  At least she’ll have support when I’m at work.

On another note, we took the cats with us since we didn’t want Monkey to miss his insulin injections.  We got a hotel room up there and they stayed in the hotel.  Unfortunately it was a little too long of a trip and Monkey peed in his carrier.  His diabetes isn’t controlled completely yet so he couldn’t hold it that long.  Then the next day he got stuck in the box spring which caused some major drama.  However, we still need to do this when we drive home for Christmas so it’s a learning process.  We figure staying in hotels until we’re at my parents will be cheaper than boarding the cats.  It’ll be a complicated process but hopefully we can make it work.  Actually, I wonder if we can just keep them in the car while at Carrie’s mom’s place… good thing we have 2 months to think about it.

It’s been a long week, hopefully it doesn’t go too badly.

cleaning day

Cleaning is normally a boring blog topic.  I mean, it’s cleaning!  But for some people cleaning is more than just cleaning, and that includes me lately.  For the past few years I’ve been working on improving my physical space.  This is a two phase process.  First, get rid of things that I don’t use or need anymore.  Each time we move I get rid of things though I’m still not great at it.  I don’t like throwing things away (unless trash) but I have found freecycling isn’t as easy when you live in a gated apartment complex.  Basically, I just don’t get around to it.  There are plenty of things currently in the apartment that I’m giving away and just haven’t gotten that far.  But, overall it’s a process I’m doing better with.  I’m also bringing less into the apartment, at least for me, which helps a lot as well.  The second phase is keeping up with cleaning better.  It isn’t that I don’t want the house clean, but I have had other things I prefer to do.  Honestly, there was a part of me that expected Carrie to get better and be able to do the cleaning while I’m at work during the day.  It wasn’t until this year that I realized that she wasn’t going to do any major chores while I was gone, so I had to be the one to do them.  She’s just too sick.  So I had to come up with strategies to get things done without wearing myself out.

I started by focusing on something easy, like the dishes.  I’ve found by focusing every day or two on cleaning up the dishes I’m able to keep up and not spend hours on it by the end of the week.  I was able to expand this to spending one day a weekend cleaning one room in more detail.  I’ve started getting rid of recycling to make more room and make sure to catch up the laundry.  Then, during the week I try to pick up enough that things don’t go all crazy.  Simple, I know, but something I hadn’t been able to do consistently before.  On the surface it’s funny that I’m keeping up with the housework better when things are more hectic and I have more demands on me, but I view it as a reflection of the inner work I’m doing.  As I clean out old baggage and move through issues, I can more easily handle my external world.

If I didn’t have some other things to do tomorrow I could actually have the apartment clean enough that someone could stop by unexpectedly and it be fine.  Or, more likely the management could give us 12 hours notice (because it’s never actually 24 hours) and not have to do any real cleaning.  I think I’ll accomplish it next weekend actually.  Then the challenge will be to maintain it.  I guess as I continue to do the internal development it will be easier to maintain.

There’s an added benefit in that it’s more enjoyable to be home.  It’s also easier for EMS to come pick up Carrie when things go badly if the house is clean.  Her health is enough of a concern without adding cleanliness to the list.  My hope for tomorrow is very simple.  Carrie gets enough sleep to avoid the ER and I get just a few hours of cleaning in.  Lunch is the leftover steelhead trout (my favorite) and supper will be veggie stir fry.  The only other required agenda item is to practice the class I’m certifying in so I’m prepared for Monday morning.  And if that doesn’t happen…I’ll settle with practicing my class at least in my head.  Guess I should get some sleep now.  That’s kinda required for everything I want to do.

Meditation and dream log

Since I mentioned it in my previous post, it would be helpful to post the meditation and dream logs for those that don’t read them in their normal location.

Saturday, Sept 12

This morning I was tired but knew I needed to meditate.  If I can’t make time to meditate on the weekend, when will I?  And the only way to get answers to the persistent questions in my mind is to go within.  Since my oatmeal takes 35 minutes to cook, I decided to use that as a timer.  I burned some sage in the seashell to cleanse the energy of the living room.  I laid on the floor because my back isn’t feeling awesome and the couch isn’t supportive enough for sitting or lying.  By the time I was ready I had 20 minutes or so before my oatmeal.  I started with the microcosmic orbit (qigong exercise of circulating energy internally).  It took me a while to get through two cycles because I was tired and kept drifting, but I wanted to have some focus before I went further.  Then I just kept breathing and trying to turn down the music in my head (the danger of Beatles Rock Band is having Beatles songs stuck in your head!)  There were brief flashes of different things.  A few times I heard a few words, always different voices which is a fairly common occurrance for me now.  I’m getting better at holding onto them, but it’s still very hard to hear them and remember.  However, I don’t believe these snippets are from guides or anything.  My theory is I’m slipping to a slightly ‘deeper’ level and overhearing others on that same plane.  The only thing that may have been meant for me that I remember was mention of a door opening. I don’t remember if it was words or impression that it would open suddenly.  I don’t know what the door is for, it could be related to career, personal growth, who knows.  In this state I am unable to ask questions or even comprehend much without slipping out of it, so I just file the information away for future reference.  Visually I saw brief glimpses as well. Early on I saw a small black animal, I thought maybe my cat but he wasn’t physically walking around and certainly couldn’t walk through the couch.  I remember a visual of someone (not me) pointing to a dry erase board like they were teaching a class.  And finally there was a weird feeling about 2/3 of the way through.  I noticed it got hard to breathe all of a sudden and I got real warm (external source, not internal).  No idea why, but that’s the story of the day. lol All this happened in the first 20 minutes.  Then the timer went off, so I took the oatmeal off the stove, lit some more sage and settled back in.  I didn’t notice anything else interesting, I struggled a lot more in the second 20 minutes, but the point is that I did it.  I need to start building a practice again so I have to take advantage of quiet time.  Many times I try to meditate and get interrupted by Carrie so this was a miracle in itself.

Sunday, Sept 13

Meditation was far less interesting this morning.  Normally when I meditate I feel myself slipping into a slightly different mental state.  Today I felt like I was just stuck on the surface and couldn’t get within myself.  I tried for 15 minutes to go within, pulling out old tricks like counting breaths.  It wasn’t a lack of focus, as I could could and maintain awareness just fine, it was like my energy wouldn’t settle.  I finally gave up and decided I needed action, not stillness.  So I got up and started cleaning.  Since I don’t get enough sleep as it is, I won’t be doing morning meditations this week, but I hope to sneak in some evening meditations.

Monday, September 14

I think I know why Edgar Cayce napped a lot!  My most interesting experiences happen in mid afternoon naps.  Today I was just exhausted and couldn’t resist a nap on the couch.  Monkey, our 19 lb cat decided he would take a nap with me, settling in right on my chest once I was asleep.  That made breathing a bit tough, but I guess I can consider it strength training, lifting his weight on each breath. lol  Anyway, I was resting in a mostly asleep state when I ’saw’ a round faced woman, bright and cheerful and wearing pink waving at me through the window.  Really, it wasn’t exactly the window as it’s located physically, but I didn’t realize that at first.  I thought it was the neighbor, though this woman didn’t look like her that much.  I remember trying to wave, but being unable to open my eyes or move my physical limbs.  Quite simply, my astral body was responding somewhat, waving to her, but my consciousness was returning enough to my physical body that I was aware of my inability to move.  I felt a little fear, not because of her, but that she would come in the house to either say hello or make sure I was ok, seeing as I was lying on the couch.  It took incredibly long to get back in my body and wake up, longer than I can ever remember.  I wish I would have had the presence of mind to stay where I was and talk to her.  I find it interesting that she didn’t come in.  My guess is the perimeter of our house, especially the front door area is pretty well protected.  I had no interest in letting her in, now I’m just curious who she is.  I didn’t recognize her, and we currently don’t have any earth bound spirits in our house, so I’m at a loss.  I may never know, it depends upon Carrie’s ability to talk to the guides and whether they have any answers.

If only the naps didn’t destroy my sleep cycle, I’d take them every day because it taps into my less accessible abilities much more easily.

Seeing growth in challenges

Life has been incredibly difficult this week. However, I learned a few things, about myself from myself and from the guides.

Wednesday we went to a new neurologist with the hope that we can avoid the big county hospital that is overwhelming and very slow. While waiting, Carrie had a long seizure so we went across the street to the ER of yet another hospital (that makes 5 in the past year and a half). We had a frustrating encounter with the neurologist who didn’t seem to understand what we were trying to explain. He also ignored the sleep issue with is the biggest complication we have, so that went very badly and put me in a bad moon.

Thursday I tried calling a bunch of psychiatrists that claim to take Carrie’s medicare to no avail. It got to the point where I was crying in my car at lunch because we weren’t getting anywhere with any doctors at all, and the fear was really starting to build. Thankfully I was able to bounce back after lunch and regain my hope. That allowed me to get a few other ideas to try, which I thought got us some ideas to try.

By Friday the neurology nurse had arranged for us to talk to a psych doctor at the county hospital, we just needed to come by before the scheduled MRI. When we got there, the doctor completely backed out on seeing her and was really hostile after a while. It was quite odd actually, and the neurology nurse was as confused as we were. So we went to the mri just to find out Carrie’s shoulders were too wide, and even if she were to fit it was about a 4 hours wait, which is really behind schedule! At this point, Carrie had been up for 2 days, following 2 days with only a little sleep, so her body had little left to give. She started seizing and I tried to explain to the poor people in mri why we were here, what happened with the psych people, and I was again crying with frustration. They ended up taking her to the ER after she settled enough to move across the hospital. So, a rough week. But, once we got her into the ER system, things got better on my end. Normally I wouldn’t be able to release the frustration easily, even if people started to not piss me off. But, that wasn’t the case. Instead I found myself interacting very easily. This was probably helped by people actually listening and wanting to help, but this was deeper. I was able to move on from the frustrations in ways I’ve never experienced before. This wasn’t conscious, I was actually very surprised by it each time it happened. While this week was horrible, it allowed me to see that there are some deeper changes happening within me so I don’t have to consciously choose to react as I’d like.

On the way to the hospital we had some conversations with the guides. They told me that my astral and meditation work has been improving greatly, and the spotty nature of my results isn’t a bad thing, but just me adjusting to something new – I guess a new level of ability? They were able to explain what happened during last saturday’s meditation. Apparently I’m jumping time. The small dark shape was actually Caller, my wolf, when he was a pup. The theme of doors (the mention of spontaneous opening, as well as the person I saw in my astral dreaming) is related to me being close to walking through a door. The reason I’ve felt uneasy is because it would be overwhelming to walk through that door at this point. Since my reaction isn’t anything I can consciously control I’m not going to walk through it before I’m ready. This is a good thing, as I really can’t handle being overwhelmed more than I already am!

This is why it’s so important to have the proper outlook toward life. Part of the reason I see the growth (with or without guides) even in the midst of a horrible week is because I allow it. I know that even all the bad stuff won’t stay that way forever. In fact it can change very quickly if you allow it to. Another key is to be forgiving when you can’t train as you would like so you can take advantage of the training opportunities life throws at you. In my experience, the most difficult aspect of the Jedi path are behavioral attributes. Knowledge comes easy, changing how you interact with people and life takes a lot of time. This is why I feel knighthood takes many years, yet organized training takes only a few. The completion of organized training does not make someone a knight. I have hope that I can reach knighthood. I’m finally seeing the results I expect to see. It’ll take plenty of time and work still, but progress is motivating.

Bad day – Medical battles

Today I reached my lowest point in months.  When Carrie got disability we thought things would get better.  Carrie would see the doctors she needed and they would get her health stabilized.  First, we got the runaround about Medicaid, which apparently doesn’t exist in Texas.  Then she got medicare, and we thought that would be what we needed.  Instead I’m wasting a ton of time finding that half the psychiatrists in the plan don’t actually take patients or have appointments until October or November.  The new neurologist we tried won’t make any recommendations until she sees a psychiatrist.  In August she was given a referral to the Ben Taub clinic, and they never made a decision on it.  They should have made an appointment then, and instead I had to call and get an appointment – for November!  The only thing I had left was to call the neurology department, which takes talking to a few people before just leaving a message.  However, unlike all the other places I left messages, they actually called me back, and even listened!  I’ll hear back tomorrow and hopefully they’ll have maneuvered an earlier appointment.  Otherwise we have to wait until she’s back in the ER for insomnia triggered seizures and then get them to write up the referral so she can get in earlier.  It’s stupid…really stupid.

This makes it sound far easier than it really was though.  I called many people, all who were supposed to take her insurance but who weren’t anymore, or wouldn’t take new medicare patients for weeks.  There must be a certain amount of patients they take or something.  I know this is selfish and judgmental for me to say, but what about the people who need help?  Mental health care is horrific in America.  After multiple calls in a row that got me nowhere, I was feeling very low.  I’m incredibly hopeful but today I started to really worry that she wouldn’t get the help she needed, or that it would take so long that her body would take too much damage, significantly shortening her life span.  People are worried about death panels or the government restricting care and thus killing people if we have health care reform.  That’s completely bullshit, as no one will purposely do that.  But, right now I have an insurance company willing to pay for services but doctors unwilling to take it, and indirectly killing my wife.  That lead me to a bit of a breakdown in my car at lunch.

The thing is, I know I can’t break for long, or completely.  Dealing with this is more of a war than a battle.  Lately I’ve been losing a whole hell of a lot of battles, and that takes its toll.  This isn’t a war I can afford to lose though, so I will keep fighting until there is nothing left to fight for.  Thankfully I have a strong warrior spirit when I need it.  It’s not angry, just focused.  I would like to learn to make that shift in a more lighthearted way, but it could take a while.  Maybe that’s just a myth even, I have no clue.

In any case, I was able to pull it together, release some fear and regain my hope.  Then I started getting somewhere again.  It can still fall apart, but for now, there’s hope.  In the meantime I made an appointment for a new primary care physician who we have an appointment with on Monday.  Hopefully that goes well.

So, today was a roller coaster.  I actually like roller coasters once they get going, I just hate that first big drop.  Today was a big drop.  Hopefully this means we have momentum to finish out this ride before getting back in line.

Adventures with Feline Diabetes

Our initial success was too good to be true apparently.  We have a fairly decent pattern going.  Monkey gets his food, followed by insulin and a piece of smoked turkey.  Since he loves the smoked turkey we figured it would make him not dread his pokes.  In some ways it worked too well because on the weekend he tries to wake us up early asking if it’s time for his poke so he can have some turkey!  I thought he was hungry since he’s going about 12 hours without food (give or take a little) but he just wants more darn turkey.  ugh And now he’s getting gun shy about the injection.  I was having some trouble seeing due to his long black fur.  I shaved his back partially so now I can see but he’s still bitching when he gets an injection.  So while he asks for pokes to get turkey, he tries to get away from them too.  I’m trying to improve my technique but I think he’s just not amused by it and it’ll take a little while to see just what makes it more comfortable for him.

I explained to him that his medicine has to be a certain times and that my alarm is set to give him medicine so I won’t wake up to give him medicine any earlier than that.  We’ll see if that works for tomorrow because it is not helping Carrie to have him waking her up.  Also on sunday is his haircut now that I bought a new clipper.  The one we had wasn’t working well and mine aren’t powerful enough to handle his fur.  It would be nice if he didn’t need the haircuts, but he has too much dander when his hair gets long and Carrie is allergic.  Now that it helps me give him his injections it makes it even more important.  I just hope this set works well because it wasn’t cheap.

The miracle of ice

Yesterday I had a very scary run in with the kitchen.  First some backstory.  We have these good quality pans (wolfgang puck) that are not only stove top pans but can go in the oven.  I usually forget this, it seems wrong to put a fry pan/skillet in the oven.  Well, yesterday I was making herb roasted/baked (not sure which is the right term) chicken.  I managed to season them properly for once, and Carrie said I should brown them in the pan first, then bake.  She thought about it some more and said no, just put them in the oven.  So I put the pan in the oven and all was well.  The chicken turned out quite yummy, with flavor but not overseasoned.  I also made mashed yellow potatoes so they wouldn’t need butter (my new favorite) and lima beans (Carrie’s favorite).  Since she was an arm down due to dislocating her should 2 times the day before, I cut up her chicken and brought her food to her.  Then I proceded to prepare my plate.  One complication was the lack of a clean fork.  I had plastic forks or metal spoons.  I chose the spoon, which isn’t good to move chicken from pan to plate.  This is when my brain made a critical error.  I saw a pan, one that 99.9% of the time is on the stove top and not in the oven, so I just reached down and picked it up to move it to the counter and transfer my chicken safely without risk of dropping.  It was about the time I had this rather heavy pan 9 inches in the air that the searing pain hit – perhaps because I was searing my palm?  yeah… The full pain didn’t hit until I was halfway to the sink to turn on the cold (lukewarm in texas) water.  I was then able to yell for carrie to come in and get me ice since that water wasn’t very cold and not doing much good.  I started on a gel ice pack and then asked for a bag of real ice with water so it could conform around my fingers better.  This was better than the gel pack, though it took a little extra time getting cold.

The pain was less than I expected, but I found myself crying without realizing I was crying.  I think I was in shock really, because I knew just how hot that pan had been and this had to have been worse than anything I did before.  After all, it was my entire left hand.  As the ice cooled things down the pain would ease off, then come back in waves, and back off again.  Very odd.  I drove one handed to the drug store to get some aloe with lidocaine, which helped a little when I wrapped my hand in gauze.  It didn’t stay on well at night, and I now understand why mummies always seem to unravel on Scooby Doo. lol But, but morning, after 6+ hours of solid icing I was able to use my hand without a lot of pain.  I was shocked!  There were a few spots that didn’t look great, but no blisters.  I used the special bandages with sterile water meant for burns to cover the worst areas.  Now, I’m using my hand just like normal and don’t think I’ll have to wrap it or bandage it at all tomorrow.  It’s amazing!  It’s the power of ice, because I didn’t do anything else.  Now, the only difference is my hand looks a little wrinkled and there are one or two red areas.  That’s it!  That pan had been in the oven at 475 degrees for almost 30 minutes, and then under the broiler for a few minutes.  It had only been cooling for a few minutes.  How did I not get a severe burn?  I’m beyond greatful, but this is unexpected.  I’m certainly glad we don’t have to tag team monkey to give him his insulin since I have 2 good arms again.

Anyway, we had another unexpected event today.  Blas, my incredibly wise 18 year old 4 lb cat decided to be curious and smell Carrie’s coke glass.  Then Carrie woke up, tiny Blas in her infinite wisdom panicked and knocked over the glass…right onto the laptop.  Apparently the laptop turned itself off, which doesn’t bode well.  So I did some research on cheap laptops.  I ended up going with Best Buy who had a Toshiba Satellite L305 for $360.  While there I picked up Beatles Rock Band for the weekend and there went half my paycheck! lol  But, Carrie’s laptop is really medical equipment in our house.  From the audiobooks she listens to when insomniatic, or when too sick to get out of bed, to netflix, all of which maintain her mental health.  Plus she can play games to rebuild her brain, practice typing and such.  All important things for her rehab.

To ensure this doesn’t happen again, I ran to walmart and got a simple wire 2 shelf thing.  The PS3 goes on top, the laptop slips in the middle, and any spills would then not hit the most expensive electronics.  I meant to do that before and just didn’t get around to it.  Silly me… But we live and learn.  And now I should learn to listen to my body and go to bed.  I’m just so happy to have resolved all this in a single day.

Monkey’s diabetes

Friday marked the first day of treating Monkey for diabetes.  His blood sugar came back high again from the vet, and he’s been drinking and peeing a lot so it’s clearly bothering him.  I turned down the prescription diabetic cat food because there were grains in it, and we know that causes him discomfort.  I noted that it had high protein and went home to research.  Turns out even the grain free foods and high protein foods can have a lot of carbs.  Thankfully there’s this awesome food called Evo by Natura.  It’s grain free, high in protein, and super low in carbs.  It isn’t cheap but because the cats can actually absorb the food they don’t need to eat as much.  A lot of vets are using this instead of the prescription food, so I’m sold on it.  Monkey really enjoys the flavor as well so I think we can stick with this.

The concern now is to observe and occasionally test as he’s on more of this food to make sure his blood sugar doesn’t crash.  That’s far more dangerous than too high of blood sugar and with drastically fewer carbs it’s always a possibility because his body won’t need as much insulin.  At least it’s a holiday weekend so we’ll have an extra day to observe as we slowly increase the percentage of new food he’s eating.  It would be great to cut down on how much insulin he has to have each day, and maybe we can get real lucky and he won’t have to stay on insulin forever.  Beyond the cost ($85 for 50 days worth) it’s not as easy to find a cat sitter to stop by twice a day to feed him and give him the insulin when we’re back home.  Maybe we’ll bring the cats with us on our Christmas vacation (hahaha).

Overall, this is going well though.  He doesn’t feel the stick so he doesn’t fight us when it’s time for medication.  He’s more annoyed that he doesn’t have food available all the time since we have to time his insulin right after he eats.  But he’ll get used to that too and it should help us control his food intake and weight which will also help.

Blas also got her blood work back and her kidney function seems to have improved.  She’s still a bit low on red blood cells, but we’ll see if that improves over time.  Unfortunately there’s less good research on cats and kidney issues so I can’t make a good informed decision about food so we have to stick with the kidney wet food for now.  She doesn’t eat much so the cost isn’t high, I just want her to have quality ingredients and not filler like Monkey is getting.  She’s 18 and we all want her to stick around for another 10 years if she can pull it off.  Monkey’s 7 so they could both have many good years ahead of them if we give them the health support they need now.

Where am I going?

I’ve been spending an awful lot of time trying to figure out just where I’m heading, how I’ll get there, all those big questions a person asks when they aren’t exactly where they want to be.  I knew when I took my job that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in Houston.  Even while in Austin, I enjoyed some elements of the city but never learned to enjoy the climate.  Houston isn’t any better obviously.  And while I’ve always been quite independent, I do find myself wanting to live close enough to home that I could get there in a day’s drive.  That’s definitely not possible in Texas.  There are parts of Texas that you can’t get to in a day’s drive!  lol  So, I find myself thinking about my long term plans, especially after they laid some people off this summer and are set to layoff more in the spring and next summer.

Recently I’ve spent even more time wondering about this and have been using this chance to learn to read messages in my dreams and nature.  So far all I can figure out is that it isn’t knowable right now.  My options haven’t even solidified, so my path is wide open.  I could stay in Texas at this job, stay in Texas with a different job, move back home or somewhere I haven’t even considered yet.  And when?  That’s probably even more in the air.

I’m using this as a chance to practice (still!)  trusting my higher self to line just the right situations up for me to be where I need to be.  It makes a lot more sense than trying to force things since I don’t know where I’m going, where I want to go, and thus would probably just screw things up.  I have no interest in forcing my way through the wrong path in life.  My struggle is in being patient when I don’t know where I’m going, especially when I’m unhappy with an aspect of the current path.  I’m quite glad I’m able to see how things are happening around me to support my path, even if the situations can be frustrating or annoying.  I guess I’m learning patience whether I like it or not.  All I can do is take the advice of the Emerging Earth Angels website today and “fine tune who we are, what we will be offering, and how we will fit into our new reality and new residency on the planet.”  Basically, keep working on improving areas of weakness.

One of those areas is focus and concentration.  It sounds silly, but yesterday I got the new Star Wars Force Trainer toy from Uncle Milton.  It measures the beta brain waves and your level beta waves corresponds to a fan speed that ‘levitates’ a ping pong ball.  Either I really suck at getting into those beta waves or the ‘toy’ doesn’t work well.  I’m pretty sure it’s me.  As I’ve gotten older my ability to focus has definitely decreased.  Hopefully practicing with this will help my focus improve.

Weird dreams

I had some odd dreams last night. First was a long dream. I don’t remember exactly how it started, but it involved me running from some guy trying to kill me or something. I remember jumping out of a window and doing some fancy controlled fall (if only I were that strong! lol). There were ledges at each floor and I could use it to slow my fall. Quite badass. lol There were a few other people involved, on my side, but they couldn’t get to the vehicle or something in time, though they weren’t the targets. I left with someone who’s actually one of my favorite musicians (which makes zero sense lol). We ended up at a building, similar to or the same from what we just left, but we went up the outside of the building. Ellis started dismantling the window from the outside, I’m not sure why though. The guy caught up with us, and I tried to fight him. We fought multiple times. I found a broomstick most effective, using it like a staff, but it only worked a little. While I couldn’t defeat him, he also didn’t really hurt me either, though he tried. He tried to attack with weird weapons. First he had this claw, like a large bird of prey, which I was able to get from him before he hurt me. I used it to scratch him, but not enough damage. There were a lot of strange magickal elements that don’t really make sense to me. It was frustrating to not be able to just get rid of him, but I was glad to not be hurt myself and I wasn’t overly scared. I felt very safe with Ellis, even as things were going crazy. Perhaps I’ll spend some time with her music today. I had another dream where I was on a trip with some classmates in an unfamiliar city. I had a bike that I could fold up and carry onto the train. Most of the people got on the back part of the train, but I got on the front part of the same car. It was an uneventful dream, but I remember asking who knew where we were going and I never got any answers. Interrupted sleep tends to create weird dreams, and with Carrie seizing and being in pain from her tooth extractions, my sleep was interrupted a lot. I didn’t get any answers, but perhaps that is the answer – to wait. It just isn’t time to know, which is kinda stupid I still want to know where I’m going, even if the powers that be don’t think I need to know. I’ll do my best to have more faith and trust my soul is doing what it knows is best. What choice do I have anyway?