I think the bloggers should be ashamed of themselves for presenting this information in this way. And I’m glad I only let it get me angry for a short time. I learned a lot and educated a few people as well. I’ll have to watch this more carefully.

I could choose to lash out at people who are/t involved.  I could hit something. I could threaten those involved with violence. But none of that is beneficial.  I could hold onto the anger, refusing to let it go. But that is exhausting and also not beneficial. So this is what I did.

First, I had a ton of energy and didn’t know what to do with it. I decided to focus the energy at the people that did this gross injustice. Not to attack – that would be completely unethical. My intent was just to make my feelings known. Subconsciously at least they would know how I feel. After this I asked Andrea what she saw since I knew I wasn’t going to be shielding well. Not that I was open to attack, but that I wasn’t holding my feelings behind walls at the moment. She described me as blue flames with ‘molecules’ going all over. I thought that was pretty cool actually. Blue is still me. I wasn’t dark, just burning cold. But either way, I needed to get home and clear out my energy before it affected Carrie. Once I got home I just let it drain away to the ground. And then I laughed. I laughed because I knew that they wouldn’t win. Darkness won’t win. Hatred won’t win. The light will win, of that I have no doubt. And in the end, they look like fools. 

I asked Andrea to see how I looked then. I’m still blue flames, but the chaos is gone.  I believe this shows that the negative aspects of my feelings was gone, but the resolve remains. I don’t know what I can do at the moment, but it won’t change our goals. We’re still going to Canada. And if there are problems with immigration…well, I’m confident we’ll come out on top no matter what.  This will be fought by people with the cash and connections to fight it. I need to find a way to stay informed though.  If it weren’t for twitter I wouldn’t know yet. And Carrie still doesn’t know. I’ll figure it out. 

I had no idea how this could feel. I’m used to not being legally married in the states. I’ve never been legal here, but I always had the backup that we’re legal in Canada. When we relocate there it will be easy because we’re legally married. And now, everything has changed. In one fell swoop, bigotry and darkness and rained on us, dissolving a marriage we worked very hard to gain. 

My anger is deep, threatening to turn to rage. But I want to write while it’s still fresh, before I threaten to censor myself because this is important. People need to know that this isn’t just some piece of paper. It’s not a word that has legal meanings. It means something, deep, at our core. Married. Spouse. That means something in society. It’s a deep level of commitment that reflects the seriousness of our relationship. She’s not my girlfriend of 12+ years, she’s my wife. And the conservative, control freak bigots know this. That’s why they fight so hard to keep it from us. They know they have nothing to stand on if we have full, equal rights. That we’re human beings, just like them. Better than them, because we aren’t trying to destroy others through our hatred.  We simply want recognition of the depths of our commitment. 

Losing it, having some asshole just write off all our marriages leaves me feeling so many things. I’m angry. I’m sickened. I’m worried that relocating will now be harder.  It will still happen, I know this to be true because just a few hours ago I received a clear sign from the Force that it would. Whether it came from my higher self or guide, I don’t know. But it was clear that this was going to work out. Maybe that’s why I got this message, to keep me from completely losing it at this news.  I feel physically ill. I can’t even tell Carrie because she’s recovering from a seizure and can’t handle the news. I had no idea this could be such a big deal until now. But I never expected it to happen either. 

The darkness is fighting for its very life. These power plays will not work. I suspect it will only hasten their downfall throughout the world. If that happens, then I welcome this pain. All it does is harden my resolve. And right now, I feel like I am made of the most solid of substances. My will will not give. Thank you conservatives. You’ve now gained someone who will be fully involved in government once relocating. I would have been fairly ambivalent. Not anymore. My eyes are open. The eyes of many around the world are on you. You’ve awoken a sleeping giant. That’s never a good idea because with those eyes comes a big spotlight. And there’s nothing the dark hates more than the light.

How long before they scurry like the cowards they are? 

First I walked to the center. That’s what was most valuable. I see it as a representation of reaching goals in life. You know the destination but you don’t know the path. As you walk you can get very close from one perspective yet still be very far from it in reality. It takes immense patience and control. I felt my impatience just as I do in regular life.  I suspect if I could walk a labyrinth more often it would help me overcome this impatience, but this one is too far to drive normally.

When I reached the center I had 10 minutes before sundown. I enjoyed the space. It felt interesting with a slow pulse. Then I took out my meditation beads and did one cycle of my Jedi Code meditation. During a T-38 took off and shot across the sky bringing joy. After I sat for the last minutes before leaving. I walked the labyrinth in reverse, continuing to toss debris as I cam on it. It took 10 minutes to complete. In all I spent around 40 minutes.

This was a good experience even with minimal sun.

Compatibility Report for
David
Thursday, March 01, 1990
7:01:00 AM
Washington, Dist of Columbia
and
Jackie
Wednesday, November 15, 1978
5:26:00 PM
Appleton, Wisconsin

Chapter 1
A Comparison of Temperaments and Life Styles
that Affect Your Ability to Harmonize with Each Other

David’s Sun in Pisces and Jackie’s Sun in Scorpio

Both of you are very sensitive, feeling, compassionate people, and with one another you are able to have a depth of sharing that you will find with few others. You instinctively understand one another.

        David’s sympathetic, non-judgmental, understanding attitude can be a healing balm to Jackie, who is more emotional and who often carries secret guilts, inner conflicts, and pain. David’s accepting attitude helps Jackie to share and release these tensions.

        Jackie is more forceful than David, and will sometimes lash out with sarcasm or vindictiveness when hurt, which deeply wounds David. David is gentler, has less protective armor, and is generally more forgiving than Jackie is. Jackie can manipulate David at times, sometimes unknowingly. But for the most part, you get along very well.

Chapter 2
Major Themes in the Relationship: What Brought You Together

Sun Mutually Aspects Mars

You have the capacity to be a dynamic, powerful working team, but if you fail to cooperate with each other or you get in each other’s way, there is no limit to the anger and fury you can have for each other! The tendency to be combative and competitive with each other is very strong, so try to avoid inciting anger in each other and being so tactless and blunt with one another that you hurt each other’s pride and feelings.

Sun Mutually Aspects Saturn

     There does not seem to be enough time to simply have fun, laugh, and enjoy life together. Both of you are also likely to feel blocked in your creative expression. You may feel judged and criticized by each other, and that you hold one another back. Many astrologers would say that you owe each other a ‘karmic debt’, and whether this is true or not, you will be called on to make lots of sacrifices for one another.

David’s Sun opposition Jackie’s Saturn       orb 1° 56′

   It is likely that a restrictive, limiting, and even oppressive tone develops in this relationship. Jackie can fall into the role of being the parent, teacher, or taskmaster of David, causing David to feel inhibited and confined by Jackie’s seriousness and inflexibility. If David can benefit from the responsible and concerned attitude of Jackie and Jackie can refrain from taking problems or concerns too seriously, then the positive sense of maturity, responsibility, and stability of the relationship can overcome the negative tendencies.

David’s Sun trine Jackie’s Venus       orb 0° 6′

Yours is a congenial and enjoyable relationship, for you both appreciate and like one another. You also share a similarity in tastes and enjoyment of leisure activities and pleasures.

David’s Sun square Jackie’s Mars       orb 0° 33′

This is a dynamic, energetic relationship, but unfortunately also a rather aggressive and combative one at times. As long as you don’t end up fighting and competing with each other, you can accomplish a great deal together. However, the aggressiveness of this relationship is prone to foster anger and hurt feelings -so be careful not to incite hostility in each other.

David’s Moon square Jackie’s Jupiter       orb 2° 39′

  You enjoy joking and kidding each other, and you spark each other’s sense of humor. In fact, it is sometimes difficult to be serious with each other; the tendency to be light-hearted and jovial is too irresistible. Also, you are very supportive and encouraging to each other, but you tend to be overly optimistic about each other and make promises that you cannot fulfill. You encourage each other to be extravagant, sometimes too much so.

David’s Mars sextile Jackie’s Sun       orb 0° 44′

You work together very well on projects, and you make an excellent partnership in any joint venture, sport, or business activity.

David’s Saturn sextile Jackie’s Sun       orb 1° 5′

There is a deep sense of mutual commitment and dedication that makes the two of you very compatible in situations that require dedication, loyalty, responsibility, and dependability. You work well together on practical matters and business affairs.

David’s Uranus sextile Jackie’s Venus       orb 1° 44′

You spark enthusiasm in each other. You enjoy being a little ‘crazy’ with each other and are inclined to joke and tease each other. If you enjoy dancing, music, or some sport that requires agility and gracefulness, then you will love engaging your friend in this activity. Together you are likely to experiment, to try new recreations or pleasures, and to encourage one another to break free of inhibitions.

David’s Sun square Jackie’s Ascendant       orb 2° 10′

You often unintentionally ‘rub each other the wrong way’. Your personal tastes and interests are frequently different. If you try to convince each other that your life style, tastes, and interests are better than your friend’s, then you will frustrate each other and fail to appreciate and really understand each other. You must accept the fact that the two of you are different people with your own unique qualities. Don’t try to force each other to adopt your own tastes, hobbies, and interests, as it will only make matters worse.

David’s Ascendant square Jackie’s Mercury       orb 1° 24′

Frequently the two of you view a situation very differently, and you frequently respond to events very differently. Unfortunately, you are also inclined to feel that your approach is superior and feel very frustrated that you cannot enlighten the other. Very often, also, this annoying situation is triggered by a relatively minor incident. Try to better appreciate your friend’s point of view.

Most of the time I agree with the statements in these reports. The statements aren’t so general that they apply to everyone so I feel like they are beneficial tools for introspection, especially since there’s no person looking at me with prior knowledge to taint the interpretation. In this way it feels like more of a science. It isn’t a science itself, but has some elements of it. Or I could be wrong and it’s more of a science than I realize.  Anyway….

When I started reading the report I worried I remembered my time of birth wrong because it seemed so unlike me.  As I read I found things applied more once I got out of the initial section. Then it occurred to me. If all of the other statements are pretty true, why am I so quick to say these other statements are untrue? What if, instead, this section is pointing out to me one of my biggest shadow areas, one that’s held me back my entire adult life? This changed my perspective and added to my list of things to work through this month.  I have a list in my paper journal that I will work on this weekend as long as I don’t lose my focus. Since I have time at work I’m going to work on this aspect now.

To begin, here’s my data.

http://grupovenus.com

Life Path Report for Jackie

15 November 1978

17:26

Appleton, Wisconsin

Introduction

Most people are familiar with their Sun sign based on the month and day of birth. The Sun sign answers the question, “What’s your sign?” It is the reference point that is employed when we read newspaper and magazine horoscopes. But what about the nine other heavenly bodies that make their influence felt in our lives? These planets were also in a particular sign of the zodiac when you were born. Here is where Astrology really begins to come alive for each individual. This report will take you on a revealing journey as you travel through each interpretation based on your unique month, day, and year of birth. If your birth time was included, then the Rising sign will add yet another dimension to your personal horoscope interpretation. If it is not included because you don’t have an accurate time of birth, there is still much useful and insightful personal information that can be gleaned from your report.This report takes into account the various spiritual and psychological implications, as well as the material plane potentials which are part of your individual life plan. In this case the word potential is used because you have been given a certain amount of free will and the life choices that you make will determine to a large extent the level at which these cosmic energies actually play themselves out. Use this report to find confirmation for what you already feel intuitively and to unlock the door for new life possibilities that you may not have yet considered. This is where the strength and real value of your personal Astrological report is found.

Sun – Scorpio   23° 14′  in house 6

Moon – Gemini   6° 44′  in house 12

Mercury – Saggitarius   15° 40′  in house 7

Venus – Scorpio   10° 31′  in house 6

Mars – Saggitarius   10° 5′  in house 6

Jupiter – Leo   8° 53′  in house 3

Saturn – Virgo   12° 34′  in house 4

Uranus – Scorpio   17° 7′  in house 6

Neptune – Saggitarius   17° 7′  in house 7

Pluto – Libra   17° 58′  in house 5

Ascendant – Gemini   12° 49′  in house 1

Medium Coeli – Aquarius   15° 18′  in house 10

North Node true – Virgo   25° 4′  in house 5

2  Cancer   4° 1′  in house 2

3 Cancer   23° 24′  in house 3

4  Leo   15° 18′  in house 4

5  Virgo   14° 34′  in house 5

6  Libra   26° 24′  in house 6

I don’t know what most of that means, but I put it here for reference. Maybe some day I will understand it more when I have time to study.

Chapter 0: Elements, the North Node, and the Midheaven

Intro to Elements, The North Node of the Moon, and MC

In this section of the report we interpret the following astrological influences: the Moon’s North Node, the MC (the 10th house cusp or Midheaven) and also a preponderance of an astrological element. A “preponderance” occurs when 4 or more planets or the Ascendant is in that element: fire, earth, air, or water. Many people do not have a heavy emphasis of a particular element so not everyone will have an interpretation of an element emphasis.

If the individual chart has aspects to the MC, these will reveal certain career options and potentials for your consideration.

The North Node is an important pointer along the pathway of life. You’ll have to be willing to stretch yourself and move away from familiar patterns in order to meet the challenge of the North Node. Great rewards will be reaped in the form of personal growth and reaching your potential goals. The North Node sign will suggest an approach to the area of life represented by its house position.

Four or more planets in Fire signs.

Energetic and aggressive, in this lifetime you will learn all about inspiration, faith, and living in the moment. Your intuition is highly developed and it’s not unusual for “fiery” people to see visions.

Sports and athletic events are an excellent way for you to fill your need for a challenge while satisfying your inner competitive drive.

I don’t resonate with fire signs at all. I’m a water sign which feels like an earth sign. So this was a surprise. Rather than dismissing it out of hand, I want to look at it objectively. As a kid I was into all sorts of sports. I taught myself skills just for fun. One summer I practiced playing roller hockey in the driveway. Another I learned basic soccer skills even though I had no one to play with. I devoted myself to martial arts. I was much more in tune with my physical body, actually using it, than as an adult. And I feel that lack. I miss the feeling I got from being in control of myself. Sometimes I feel pent up and I just want to run and play but now have no skills. lol So perhaps this is a part of myself that I need to regain to be fulfilled. As for inspiration, faith, and living in the moment I do have those qualities. My intuition is strong in some areas, but not usually in a conscious way. I’m not fiercely competitive though I don’t like to lose. Perhaps the fire is there, just smoldering a little from lack of oxygen.

North Node in Virgo

Incorporating the following traits into your life will make it easier in the long run to attain goals.

The best way to describe this principle is to imagine a bird having to leave its nest for the first time. It is extremely challenging, but it’s the only way to really learn to fly.

this really resonated. I feel like my adult life, at least the last 5 years or so has been full of really challenging things between school, career, and then Carrie getting so sick. And doing all that while still training myself and others to be Jedi. Not easy. And I want it to be easy. Clearly this isn’t in my soul contract and the sooner I let this idea of it being easier go, the better off I’ll be.

Learn that it’s O.K. to say no. This is a lifetime to learn all about separating what is useful from what is not. You can be an expert at logical analysis. Tie up loose ends and get yourself organized.

Yeah…I think I say no more, and there aren’t many things people are asking me for, but I do have to be careful. I need to work on getting organized.  This is a major issue for me but I always feel better when I find that place of organization.

Worry and anxiety can be held at bay by making yourself useful. Active participation in life, especially helping other people, will keep your mind at ease and your energy high. Pay attention to health messages from your body.

I’m good at low level worry, but I also tend to focus elsewhere. It doesn’t go away though, just hides until I’m ready for it again. I help people often, sometimes too much. I guess that’s where the ‘say no’ part comes in. and finally, I pay ok attention to my body. I rest before I get a full blown illness, but it takes longer when the progression from well to sick is slow.

Discover that dealing with mundane responsibilities and disagreeable chores, instead of putting them off, can actually create its own kind of freedom.

This is true, but that doesn’t mean I do it all the time. In the past two years I’d say I made good headway with nightly chores. The dishes are usually done. I cook more often. The house gets cleaned more often, though it has slipped again this fall. I need to focus more.

North Node in the 5th House

The universe is encouraging you to play up the aforementioned traits in these areas of life.

Consider the following: get in touch with your own creative urges and honor your heart’s desires. Recognize the importance of acknowledging your own will.

Yes, this is a major issue for me.  For years I hadn’t had a creative outlet. Now I have my stone beads which are very exciting. They wake me up. But will…that’s a big issue that will take multiple posts possibly to work through. Or a lot of writing and one summary post.

You can work well with children in some capacity, whether your own or other people’s children. You can learn a lot by observing the play of children and then finding a way to mirror that in your own life.

Children show me just how little I play in life. They’re great reminders. I actually do better with pets though. I don’t worry about what they’ll say or do, I just like to say hi and pet them. I always feel more cheerful after interacting with an animal.

Give full expression to your capacity to love. Make some time for socializing, the dating scene and partying. Work on feeling comfortable being the center of attention.

No. lol I’m not comfortable at all being the center of attention. This is one thing I have to work on. It will be a topic of its own for the future.

Explore the stock market and learn all about making some wise financial investments for yourself.

Yuck. Important, yes, but yuck. I have people to do that for me.

Sun conjunct or in hard aspect to Midheaven Orb 7° 56′

You’ll have to develop the ability to put yourself in the limelight in order to go after what you really want career-wise. Ego conflicts with those in authority can create setbacks until you learn the art of finding a middle course.

This one just won’t go away huh? I guess if I work on being more confident in my abilities at work I can do more with the limelight. As for Jedi, I think I just have to suck it up. I’ve worked on it a bit but it’s a big challenge. It just goes against what I was raised to be.

A career that provides an outlet for creative self-expression, leadership abilities and personal recognition is important to consider. Hint: read the section on your Sun Sign and ask yourself how those traits might best be expressed when choosing a career.

I get some of this in my job and definitely in the Jedi path. 

Mercury in soft aspect to Midheaven Orb 0° 22′

The boss wants to hear what you have to say. You’re lucky because you can get those in positions of authority to listen to your ideas. Communication skills will support your career ambitions.

Yes, more communication skills will help. I’m going to try to really commit at work and progress a lot. I only have a year and a half roughly to finish training which is very scary. 

Variety is the key to your career, either a variety of careers, or perhaps a medley of duties to perform within a single career. Reporter, writer, accountant, educator, researcher, scientist, salesperson. Wherever the transmission of information is necessary, therein lies a career possibility for you.

I do change careers often, but now I’m in a job where I can change projects often which helps. Also, having the Jedi stuff allows me to have variety so I think I’m more settled now than I have been in the past.  And then I’ll transfer which is like starting over because the projects will be completely different requiring different skills to learn. A few years after that will be when I really see how antsy I am. 

Venus conjunct or in hard aspect to Midheaven Orb 4° 46′

Charm and a captivating personality can take you up the ladder of success. Just make sure that what you project is sincere and your success will have a firmer foundation. You may at times be tempted to compromise your own needs so that you can win the favor of those in top positions. You’d rather take the cooperative route any day over a conflict of wills. This can be a real plus if you have to manage people. Depending on what the rest of your chart reveals, though, you may have to practice taking a firm stand on issues that represent important values to you personally.

I’m not good at being insincere so that’s ok. Am I charming? Maybe at times? I don’t know that I’m captivating. I think I’m intimidating without meaning to be and aggressive without intent as well. I think I can compromise my needs at times, as long as it doesn’t impact carrie too much. There’s a lot of wisdom in this paragraph that I need to work on.

Consider a career that allows you to express your love of beauty and, if artistic talents are present, one that utilizes these gifts in some way. Some careers choices are in the fields of art or music or jobs such as decorator or salon service provider, to name a few options. Consider also positions where diplomacy skills can be put to use. You can make a living adding a touch of elegance, refinement and pleasure to other people’s lives.

This won’t happen anytime soon. It will remain in my hobbies instead.

Mars in soft aspect to Midheaven Orb 5° 13′

You’re well equipped to handle the competitive situations that arise in the workplace and your willingness to work tirelessly on projects wins favor with the boss. You don’t go out of your way to be pushy with authority figures, but you do see them as equals and you’re not shy about voicing your opinions. You’re excellent at getting things going and you have plenty of innovative ideas to contribute.

I definitely have no problem seeing superiors as equals. I’ve never had that problem. So I am not always sure how to properly act. I don’t see how I’m well equipped but I think that’s something I have to be ok with.  I do tend to speak up without meaning to so I need to work on it. 

A career in the military, professional athletics, marketing, or in supervisory positions is supported. Choose a career that allows you to draw on your natural ability to lead, compete and meet new challenges.

Hahaha yeah…military went kaput, but there are many opportunities at work and with the Jedi.

Jupiter conjunct or in hard aspect to Midheaven Orb 6° 24′

Lofty ambitions and the desire for recognition spur you onward in the career department.

But do I? I don’t know…

Career choices may include teaching-especially at higher levels, law, spiritual counseling, publishing, or working in the travel industry, as a librarian, or in sports related fields.

Uranus conjunct or in hard aspect to Midheaven Orb 1° 48′

You can be an extremely efficient worker. You have an aptitude for finding shortcuts and this inborn talent comes in very handily in the career department.

If only I could focus then I’d get more done. I do find shortcuts which allows me to get the same amount done as normal people with all my distractions. It’s a big issue. But otherwise these statements are quite true.

Your innermost self rebels at having to put up with a steady dose of being told what and how to do something. This is because you have an inventive mind that can zero in on a more effective way to get the job done. Alas, there are too many who would rather stick with the tried and true. These experiences can encourage you to find a way to be your own boss. You may be drawn to unusual career choices or those which allow you to express your unique ideas in some capacity.

This can be true, but I also fight it and want to be told what to do when I don’t know how to do it. I have to release this idea of things being easy.

Here are some career possibilities to consider: broadcaster, astrologer, high tech communications worker, computer whiz, airline pilot or airline worker, inventor, electrician, social activist, consultant, humanitarian, and anything that falls into the New Age category.

Neptune in soft aspect to Midheaven Orb 1° 49′

You’ll do well to pursue a career where you can put your imaginative talents to use. You may experience a time of career confusion, along with seemingly aimless drifting before you settle firmly into a profession. That’s O.K. because you’d rather pursue your ideal work. Some call this following your bliss.

I wonder how long I’ll stick with what I’m doing? Overall it’s enjoyable, and the issues are mine that I have to work through.

Consider some of the following career potentials: acting, any of the helping professions, working as a healer, undercover agent, psychologist, or in the arts (music, singing, dancing, painting), psychic channeling, anything connected to the sea, writing novels, or working in the field of chemistry and pharmaceuticals.

Pluto in soft aspect to Midheaven Orb 2° 40′

Expect some major shifts in the area of career. You can rise to a position of great influence and then completely change direction at some point.

That wouldn’t surprise me. I change gears often it seems, but maybe because I hadn’t found my ‘bliss’ so to speak?

Pluto is conducive to uncovering that which has been hidden. Its action is rejuvenating. Anything which has been laid to rest can be recycled to begin anew.

Consider some of the following career potentials: archaeology, espionage, psychiatry, mortuary science, the secret service, banking, or the medical profession–especially surgery.

Overall this pointed out some areas that I’m not comfortable with but that I need to. I know I’m a leader. I don’t know what to do with it always, I don’t feel the most qualified and I feel like I want more time to get ready – but apparently I don’t need it because life is not providing that time. There’s a lot for me to write about. This is just a start.

First, the interesting hiccups. Up until a week before the gathering we had around 20 people confirmed. Then Andrea found out her surgery was scheduled for the day before. Even hearing the awesome results that her tumor was gone, I knew she’d be in too much pain to ride in a car for four hours. That meant we lost 5 people and her seminar was now the responsibility of Hannigan. We rolled with it and were fine though. Then, Wednesday night, the day before the east coasters were set to arrive we received the notice from Chicago that they couldn’t drive down. It was a set of unfortunate circumstances that lead them to that decision. It was understandable, and I agree with their logic. However, that also meant that Hannigan lost his ride. This meant we lost the reiki seminar, martial arts, lightsabers, a knighting ceremony and a shamanic journey. And of course, four people. That brought down to 11. Considering the lodge held 26 there was going to be no shortage of space! However, we had the new seminars worked out within about an hour thanks to our backup plans. Stan was covering martial arts and a demonstration of Thai yoga massage, Jeremy the lightsabers, Aimee would do Tai Chi Ruler and David a guided meditation to meet spirit guides.

Thankfully those were the only changes that were made to the schedule (even if they were a significant portion of it). So on Thursday I picked up David, Aimee and Stan from the airport and we made our way home. The first place I took them was Freebirds. I love eating there, it’s Texan, and easily made into vegetarian with many options. Everyone enjoyed it and ate plenty. Then we sat down to make a new itinerary and watch Doctor Who with naps interspersed.

Doctor Who was a big hit. While Aimee and David were a little confused at first, by the end of the first half of season 6 they were ready for more. The rest of the season was completed on Monday before they flew out. I’m happy to say there are now a few more Doctor Who fans in the world. lol

Thursday evening we went to Which Wich, another of my favorite places which was another hit. Then we went to HEB for an almost 3 hour grocery run. It’s not easy estimating how much food to buy for 11 people (which ended up being 9). It turns out we didn’t need sandwich meat, but otherwise did pretty good on food supplies. We kept it to around $20 a person for 4 to 5 meals and snacks. Overall it went well.

Friday turned into an accidental hiccup. We slept in and when we finally got going it was to meet Maurice at the airport, along with James who was picking him up. We needed to eat so stopped at Jack in the Box (at the boys’ request) and waited. But then the strange messages came in. Turns out, Maurice somehow wrote the wrong dates on his calendar at work so he missed his flight and had requested the wrong weekend off. We felt bad for him, but also had to laugh at the insanity of it. I don’t think any of us ever knew someone who experienced that. It was really sad because Maurice had been looking forward to it for so long. He’s an enthusiastic member and I looked forward to meeting him. Next time! So, we met with Jame instead and made our way to Sam’s Club for frozen burgers. There my car decided to die so I got a jumpstart. I would end up buying a replacement battery on Saturday afternoon during lunch.

After all of this fun and excitement we finally made it to the campground. It wasn’t as far as I thought, which was nice. The park was quiet and the weather was beautiful. I was a little disappointed in the accommodations, not as nice as I expected, but it met our needs. We really needed the full kitchen that it came with because there was a complete burn ban. We weren’t allowed to make a fire, so smore’s were improvised in the oven. It may have been a blessing since the recent rains brought a fresh batch of hungry mosquitoes! There were also a ton of ants who had a nice, organize path directly across the main sidewalk. They stayed outside, which was nice. And we tried to leave them be.

Friday night was a late night. Jeremy and his David got in around 9:30. We had a little formal greeting and then resumed arts and crafts! I was hoping people would find making their own lightsaber bracelets interesting and fun, but I didn’t think it would become an almost all consuming activity. lol We had many interesting bracelets/bookmarks/keychains made which was really fun. We also had side games of who knows what. All I know is they made funny weapons like laser laser maser schmasers. We had a nice dinner of spaghetti and stayed up quite late. This lateness would be a theme for the weekend, but I didn’t mind.

Saturday started about an hour late due to sleepiness. Rumor has it there was a symphony of snoring in the middle of the night, but I was asleep for that. Stan built a fort to try to dampen his snoring which didn’t really help. However it was a cool idea and fun to watch him make.

Breakfast for most were bullseyes – eggs cooked in a cut out hole in toast. They were quite yummy. We also had oatmeal and fruit. Then we worked our way into seminars. I talked about Most Benevolent Outcomes while people worked on their lightsabers and then answered questions. I should have actually practiced what I was going to say, thankfully I had a nice organized writeup in the folder. After we did basic sword/lightsaber drills which were fun. I felt much more comfortable with this method than just jumping into advanced sparring drills as was attempted in Louisiana. We did spar after some warmups doing x’s and boxes and stuff. I worked with David and then Jeremy which was interesting. Two very different styles and I had a lot of fun. Before lunch we also watched Stan demonstrate Thai yoga massage which is a combination of stretching and light massage on their equivalent of meridians or channels. It’s good to know about other options, especially ones that don’t appear to need so many years of practice before you can use it successfully.

Lunch was tacos and very tasty. We forgot the lettuce at home, but it worked out fine. After lunch we did some hand to hand techniques focusing on simple and effective self defense. We then did Tai Chi Ruler which is a really ‘simple’ way to build energy. I like that it’s easy to remember unlike the long forms. I should try to fit it into my daily practice. We also did a meditation with crystals to allow people to feel energy in something they don’t usually think to sense. Jeremy had an interesting experience with his moonstone. I think the moonstone and quartz went pretty well. Amazonite was harder to sense which I need to look into more. I only brought it because I had a lot of it and wanted options.

I’m having a hard time remembering what else we did. The day was so filled with things but never stressful. We had picture time in robes if people had them. Oh yeah, and in all that we also had a discussion about Jedi chapters. Hopefully it helps people establish their own chapters in time. For dinner we had burgers and Carrie’s family recipes for baked beans and cole slaw.

After dinner we went for a walk. I stopped at the creek since I so rarely get to see natural water anymore. David also stopped and the group went on. We had a good conversation, then had a short chat with James who walked around in the creek. Eventually the mosquitoes pushed us to walk so we walked until dark, talking about things that only a mentor and former student can. We also took care of the financial aspect of the gathering once we found the ranger.

After the walk David led us in a guided meditation to meet our animal totems. Almost everyone had a really interesting experience with their meditations which was awesome. We had a great discussion afterward and I think everyone learned a little bit. We may still be puzzling over Stan’s deer, but that’s why we do these meditations. Our totem isn’t always what we want it to be, but what we need. Finally we ended with baked smore’s with ghost shaped or pumpkin spice marshmallows. Quite tasty!

Saturday night I had to leave at midnight because Carrie was having a horrible time with seizures. There was no way to get her stabilized without my going home. I discovered it was only an hour drive and made it home safely. That’s when we figured out she hadn’t taken her medication. I got her all situated, had a nice hot shower and settled into bed for a few hours sleep because the next morning was Ren Fest!

I started Sunday with Starbuck’s since I only had 3 hours of sleep. I made it back before the rain started and loaded up all of David, Aimee, and Stan’s stuff. We took off and met up with Steven and Cailin at the ren fest for a bit before they continued their trek back to the Dallas area. James volunteered to take Jeremy and David back to the airport which was very appreciated. I’ll leave the Renfest for another post since I’d really like to eat lunch. I’ll also leave personal reflections for later since it’ll take too long. Overall i can say the gathering when much smoother than I expected.

First, I used some elements of fiction simply to organize my experience.  It doesn’t include much for knowledge, but that is for another list.

The Trial of Skill is a measure of your control, perseverance, and self-discipline.  Lightsaber skills are often included in this Trial and other physical and mental skills may also be tested.

Well, I haven’t killed anyone so… lol  I can say that I haven’t struck a person in anger since I was around 13 years old, and that was just a frustration slap of my brother.  I have pretty good self control.  Self-discipline is something I always need to work on, but I have it when I need it most of the time.  I don’t have lightsaber skills – and don’t care if I do. lol   I do however have a black belt in American karate, a little experience with aikido and shotokan karate, and am a Marine (because you never cease to be a Marine).  What I need to work on is rebuilding a useful level of fitness.

The Trial of Courage is a measure of your ability to persist in the face of fear, doubt, danger, or overwhelming odds.  But beware, overconfidence can be a flaw and will not help you pass the tests.

I’m pretty sure I’ve been undergoing this trial for the past 6 years.  I’ve faced my wife temporarily dying more than once.  I’ve talked her down from suicide.  I’ve spent countless hours in hospitals in multiple states and seen her treated horribly there (and occasionally very well). I’ve watched my best friend die of cancer at 28, my older Marine neighbor who was influential in helping me reclaim my Marine-ness, and a Marine I served with who also left far too young.  All in the past 6 years.  In spite of that I’ve continued to train, myself and others.  Maybe not to the level I would prefer, but I did it.  So I have no problem saying I have passed this trial, even as it continues.

The Trial of Spirit is a measure of your ability to overcome your own failings and limitations.  You will not be a perfect person when you are presented for your Trials and you will be required to recognize your temptations, flaws, and disabilities and show that you will not be defined by them.

During the Trial of Courage I have had to learn to overcome a certain level of laziness and lack of focus.  As the only person capable of cooking, cleaning, shopping, working…I’ve had to force myself to keep up with chores throughout the week.  During this time I’ve continued to improve in the number of times I’ve cooked, the general cleanliness of the house, as well as keeping up with laundry.  And we’ve never run out of toilet paper.
But I have plenty of failings.  I am easily frustrated.  Often my source of frustration is when things change and force me from what I planned to do.  I struggle with a level of road rage.  It’s not bad.  I don’t drive irresponsibly in response.  But I do yell when someone does something stupid.  I get angry, but I also calm down within a minute.  I don’t stay mad.
Another failing is my lack of time management.  Often this is a problem with focus.  I get easily distracted, especially when it comes to the internet. This is something I want to improve upon in the next year.
Finally, my fitness needs improvement.  I haven’t been active in a few years and it shows.  But it’s not just a weight issue but health.  I know dropping weight will make my body feel better. And it fits with the expectations of being a Jedi.

The Trial of the Flesh is a measure of your ability to overcome pain, desire, or loss.  You must maintain your composure and become a stronger person through the Trial to have passed it.

I’ve undergone this trial in different parts.  First, my years of training in the martial arts, especially in training for my black belt.  Then in boot camp where they absolutely pushed us to our limits.  Recently I went through a shorter trial in getting my wolf tattoo.  The entire thing was done with the liner which meant it stung the whole time.  A big deal?  No, but I underwent it purposely staying present with the pain, viewing it as a trial and sacrifice.  But I do recognize that I often do what I can to avoid pain in my life.  I will overcome this as I regain my fitness where I’ll focus on good pain rather than pain just to show I’m a badass.
As for loss, I’ve already addressed that in the Trial of Courage.  I still tear up when I think of my friend passing though it’s been almost two years.  But this isn’t something I think I can control.  I’m pretty good at moving on and functioning, but I find the sadness of a few people’s deaths don’t easily leave.

The Trial of Insight is a measure of your ability to distinguish reality from illusion and look past your preconceived notions of yourself and the world around you.  Your mind must be able to release the distractions and avoid the tricks and traps of life.

In some ways I can do this.  My beliefs and perspectives have expanded dramatically throughout my 20′s and now into my 30′s.  While I have blind spots toward myself and I have even more toward others.  Reading people is a large weakness for me.  It’s the reason why I’m so adamant about wanting people to speak truth because I tend to believe what people say.  I am improving in my ability to sense falseness, but I don’t think it will ever be something I’m good at.  That’s also why I don’t tell lies.  I may avoid telling the truth but I don’t like to make up lies.  I’m a bad liar, plus I don’t want it done to me so I won’t do it to others.

Overall, I’m pretty good about cutting through the various distractions of life to get to what is important – either to learn from a situation, to fix it, or just to cope with it.  I often perform this ‘service’ for others.

I don’t know if there’s more to this trial however.

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I’m interested to see if anyone thinks I need more in the last four trials.  It’s always good to have an external perspective, even if no one sees me on a day to day basis.  I need to start looking at the knowledge I think I should have, as that’s the area I feel that I need to work on.

I’m going to start with taking all of the courses here as a way to review things and see where I should focus.

Esoterics
While my Force sensing may not be the best I know enough to help out a student.  I have some healing experience.  I know how to ground, shield, draw energy in without holding onto (much of) it.  I can cleanse in various ways and imprint.

Behavioral Attributes
I have to keep working on my leadership skills.  Hopefully I’ll be able to focus on it more in the future.  Communication is the biggest challenge for me.  It doesn’t show up as blatantly online as it does in person.

Philosophy
I don’t know anything about philosophy. lol  But I have Sophie’s Choice to read in the next year.

Physical
I need to get my diet and fitness worked out.
I want to return to a martial art such as aikido so I have greater confidence in my self defense abilities.  While I have skill it’s quite rusty.  I especially want to have easily accessible skills that don’t require harming someone else, even if they’re trying to harm me.
A long term goal is to learn to shoot a hand gun but that’s not a requirement, just knowledge I would like.

After looking at this I really need to review coursework and see where I’m at then.

One more thing I need to work on in the coming years is swimming and overcoming my fear of water that I can’t see in.  I need to take some more lessons and learn the basics of lifeguarding.  Since Carrie loves to swim I need to be able to intervene if she has a surprise seizure in the pool.  Currently I have to keep her out of the deep end where the water is above my head because I couldn’t do much to help her.  So that’s on my todo list for when I find the right place to learn.

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I’ve decided that my goal is to complete my requirements (whatever I come up with) by next year’s gathering.  That will be at my 10 year mark.  If there is disagreement at that point that I’m not ready, so be it.  But to me it really comes down to solidifying my knowledge base and getting my fitness in line which is doable in the next year to year and a half.

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Just a note, I will write a more detailed essay about what I see as my trials and how I’ve handled them, the good, bad, and ugly.  lol  I believe this essay should speak for me for those who have never known me would know why I hold the rank I do at any particular time.  This is something the Chicago folks do and I think it’s a critical piece of the process.

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I forgot to include integrative practice requirements.  See how valuable of a process this is? lol  Copying from what was prepared for the intro course…

Guidelines for the completion of Integrative Practice
(100hrs for adept, 500 for knighthood)

In this module the student will seek to explore and integrate their theoretical knowledge with the practical requirements and skills of a Jedi. This requirement is in addition to those requirements outlined for each academic subject.

The required hours may be drawn from at least 5 of the following and is a requirement of the Advanced study at the Jedi Academy. Students should keep a log and journal of their hours spent fulfilling this requirement. The log sheets should be signed by your offline instructor or yourself, and photocopies or scans must be emailed or posted to the Faculty upon completion of the required hours. Journals must be ‘softcopies’. Some activities may only count for a certain proportion of required hours.

If you have undertaken such work prior to studying here (which is not unlikely), please make an estimate of the hours you’ve done and gather your evidence, then have a chat with the Faculty so we can look to grant you prior credit.

Activity  and Evidence required
Participation in Qi gong class   This is on my college transcript (UW River Falls) and I’ve continued training using books which is included throughout my training journal
(Signature of instructor, or schools contact details plus a journal of the effects, benefits or otherwise of the classes.)

Participation in Martial Arts classes   10 years American karate (New London Martial Arts under Sensei Stiebs) – assistant taught for 5 of those years. While on the Jedi path, around 3 years of Shotokan karate with Sensei Bendickson (primarily) in River Falls and 6 months in Austin, 1 year aikido with UT aikido club
(Signature of instructor, or schools contact details plus a journal of the effects, benefits or otherwise of the classes.)

Regular attendance at a gym, or participation in a similar physical fitness activity On my todo list for this year
(maximum allowance of 20 hours for adept)

Undertaking regular exercise.   My plan is to participate regularly in walking and hopefully jogging
Details of physical activities undertaken, where with, contact details of business/association if applicable, regular journal of activity undertaken and benefits or otherwise of activity (maximum allowance of 20 hours for adept)

Undertaking volunteer or community work   Details of work undertaken, log of hours, contact details of group Realistically this isn’t going to be one area I focus on.  I donate so much of my time already to the Jedi and to helping people online that to do more isn’t feasible.
(maximum allowance of 20 hours for adept)

Astral Projection Course A few years back I did a weekend seminar with Robert Bruce with details in my blog
Undertaking an offline short course or attending a seminar in an area that you feel is beneficial to you as a Jedi.   Journal about the course, the benefits or otherwise you received and why you felt it was beneficial to your development as a Jedi. (hours accredited, duration of course/seminar up to 20 hour for adept)
To calculate allotted hours for this section:
- If a course has an accredited ‘hours’ less than 10 then use these hours (e.g. credit hours from a community college).
- All day seminar, workshop or conference – 10 points
- Half day seminar, workshop or conference – 5 points
- For a course spanning several sessions, 1 point per session up to 10 points.

Further study I have many book reviews that I still need to do
– reading/watching videos that you feel are beneficial to you as a Jedi   Provide a review of each book/video and describe how they helped you on the Jedi path, minimum of 500 words. (maximum accredited hours, 5 hrs per book, 2 hours per video, up to 20 hours in total for adept)

Receiving an energetic healing treatment I’ve had acupuncture (clinic in Austin, from Mara/Tir in Austin) and distance reiki with minimal results that I could easily determine
, for example Reiki, shiatsu, shamanic healing, polarity therapy, quantum healing etc etc. Student clinics of schools can be a good place to receive these for low cost.   Signature of practitioner or contact details; journal benefits or otherwise.

Undertaking a leadership/organisational or administrative role for a group
Journal of job description, challenges, and what you have learned (maximum accredited hours 20 in total for adept).

Overall I’d need to go through and start writing up something more formal, or pull out my writeup from my blog from the original experience.

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Just a note to myself. I hit 10 years in June 2012. By then (or perhaps then) I will create a public post to request constructive criticism from anyone willing to provide it.  Rank, after all, means nothing if people don’t agree you have earned it and embodied it.  Then, by the June of 2013 I will complete all of my knighthood requirements, completing it within my 10th year on the path.  In the meantime I’m working daily on my darkside, shining light on things that test my patience and such.  I see much growth in this area.  I will also request feedback from those who attend the gathering since they would have at least a few days of seeing me in action.

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That’s the last thing I wrote here.  I will add that I’m working intensely on my shadow self and am seeing a lot of positive results.  I’m also gaining basic proficiency in gemstone healing and through that am developing a Jedi specific meditation mala type tool.  I hope to have a prototype of that next month for the gathering.

So part of this introspection is looking at the people who I’ve had the deepest connections with.  I wonder what my life would be like if a different path was taken and I didn’t end up with Carrie.  Tonight I had to wonder, how can I feel so much love for other people?  How big are our hearts that they can hold so much love?  I guess they can be as big as needed! In the end, I thought about all this, focusing also on feel.  How does it all feel?  To love more than one person is always possible, but equally?  I don’t think so.  Just to be clear, my love for Carrie is more than anyone else.  There’s no doubt, and tonight I actually had a cool experience that showed me this wasn’t wishful thinking.

As I thought about it, noticing how I felt when thinking about one person, I thought about my love for Carrie.  It was in a slightly different physical location (more central in my chest, to the right of the first sensation) and it was stronger.  I can’t quantify the other differences, but definitely stronger.  Those sensations are not anything I can control at this point in my life, it was simply feedback from within.  It was pretty awesome!  I think, if I had to add a description it’s like there’s more stability to our love.

Think about a time when you felt that new infatuation with someone. It’s a strong feeling, one that’s hard to ignore, and one that’s just a tad addicting for many people, myself included.  But it’s fleeting.  It doesn’t take much to dampen it.  Learning just one thing about the person that doesn’t conform to your idealized perception can do it.

I’m discovering a shade of love that’s between that, friendship love, and a spouse.  Somewhere in the middle of those is something else. Not stable like what I have with my wife, but not as fleeting as infatuation, and a little more than just friendship.  It’s interesting.  It’s also interesting for me to be able to recognize it and talk about it.  I think this is part of my shadow self which I’m processing in various ways.  Too many relationships in the past had ill defined lines, if any, and I just kinda went along for the ride.  Sometimes there were consequences to this.  Other times it was fine.  But I held myself back in some friendships because I didn’t know where to draw the line or trust myself to respect the line (even if I set it).  I’ve accepted that this is a problem, but now it’s different.  I don’t know why. But feeling that difference tonight seemed to be the key.  I feel like I’m free.  I may actually be able to walk this line where I am more open and loving with my closest friends without fear that I’ll do something stupid and cross that line.  Maybe I’ll be able to remove one of the barriers I put between me and others.  Interesting…

I’m sure it’ll still take vigilance,  but that’s a lot better than fear.  Fear creates shadows, which creates more fear until it turns to darkness.  I’ve had enough of the darkness.