Weird dreams

I had some odd dreams last night. First was a long dream. I don’t remember exactly how it started, but it involved me running from some guy trying to kill me or something. I remember jumping out of a window and doing some fancy controlled fall (if only I were that strong! lol). There were ledges at each floor and I could use it to slow my fall. Quite badass. lol There were a few other people involved, on my side, but they couldn’t get to the vehicle or something in time, though they weren’t the targets. I left with someone who’s actually one of my favorite musicians (which makes zero sense lol). We ended up at a building, similar to or the same from what we just left, but we went up the outside of the building. Ellis started dismantling the window from the outside, I’m not sure why though. The guy caught up with us, and I tried to fight him. We fought multiple times. I found a broomstick most effective, using it like a staff, but it only worked a little. While I couldn’t defeat him, he also didn’t really hurt me either, though he tried. He tried to attack with weird weapons. First he had this claw, like a large bird of prey, which I was able to get from him before he hurt me. I used it to scratch him, but not enough damage. There were a lot of strange magickal elements that don’t really make sense to me. It was frustrating to not be able to just get rid of him, but I was glad to not be hurt myself and I wasn’t overly scared. I felt very safe with Ellis, even as things were going crazy. Perhaps I’ll spend some time with her music today. I had another dream where I was on a trip with some classmates in an unfamiliar city. I had a bike that I could fold up and carry onto the train. Most of the people got on the back part of the train, but I got on the front part of the same car. It was an uneventful dream, but I remember asking who knew where we were going and I never got any answers. Interrupted sleep tends to create weird dreams, and with Carrie seizing and being in pain from her tooth extractions, my sleep was interrupted a lot. I didn’t get any answers, but perhaps that is the answer – to wait. It just isn’t time to know, which is kinda stupid I still want to know where I’m going, even if the powers that be don’t think I need to know. I’ll do my best to have more faith and trust my soul is doing what it knows is best. What choice do I have anyway?

Angsty

I’ve been in Texas too long.  So I’m going to be a little angsty for a while tonight.  I find myself missing some odd things lately.  There’s the obvious, like cool weather.  There have been a lot of unseasonably cool days back home, and while everyone else complains I yearn for it.  It’s been hot for longer than normal this year, so while we have daily thunderstorms it doesn’t do much for the heat.  What I really miss lately is terrain.  It’s dead flat on the coast, which makes sense physically but gets old.  Wisconsin isn’t mountainous or anything, but there are hills!  And forests and big trees.  Sigh…  How odd to miss hills…  I want to walk around in woods with some hills, streams, cooler weather… I miss something that vaguely resembles home.

Maybe I’ll luck out and have some nice dreams.  Even better, maybe Carrie will have a light seizure weekend and heal up from her tooth extractions quickly.  But first, I’m going to try to get some sleep because I’m pretty exhausted.

dull eyes

I picked up my new glasses yesterday afternoon.  It’s an adjustment in strength and astigmatism.  That’s the harder part to adjust to.  Now if I look off center it starts to distort, and I’m not sure if that should happen or not.  I’ll have to ask the optometrist.  Anyway, when I got in the car I noticed my eye color was off.  My eyes are usually brighter with more green or even brown (my eyes are technically hazel with green and brown in the center.  That was shocking and honestly pissed me off.  Things have gotten so rough in life lately that my eyes show it.  As usually, I’m not going to talk about specifics, but I couldn’t even if I wanted to because everything is happening out of sight so I can only infer from what little I see.

My challenge is now releasing the frustration and anger that have been building.  It doesn’t help that Carrie’s had a very hard time sleeping so she’s been a little off kilter, leaving me stressed, a little scared, and very tired.  At a high spiritual level, I’m ok with a lot of things.  I need to get my mundane human side ok with things though.  That’s hard!

I didn’t plan it, but it worked out that I left work at lunch and am off until Monday.  Carrie’s broken teeth are killing her so we were at an oral surgeon this afternoon.  Tomorrow I have a chiro appointment, then the cats go to the vet, then Carrie goes to the surgeon to get the teeth pulled.  These appointments all had to be tomorrow, so I took the day.  I don’t have any assignments due and I definitely need the time away for my mental and emotional health.

I’m hoping I’m doing the things necessary to get me into a better mental state.  Last night I played some Wii summer sports resort.  It helps to beat cartoon characters with sticks (lost my first match), and cycling was far more fun than I expected.  Canooing wasn’t bad, though sometimes it misread what I was doing.  That helped quite a bit last night, but today I was very antsy again.  We’re watching some old school football bloopers, and laughing is helpful.  Tomorrow I’ll try to make the effort to go for a walk while Carrie is getting teeth pulled.  They claim it’ll only take 30 minutes, so it’ll be a short walk.  Otherwise I’ll just play more wii sports while she’s sleeping after.

I just want to be happy with all aspects of my life again…I will find a way to get in balance again because I hate feeling like this.

Apollo Ghosts

I’m keeping this short since it’s well past bedtime and I’m on ambien.  Today I OJT’d a sim which meant I was in the Red FCR.  This is right next to the historic Apollo flight control room, which is open at all times.  I wasn’t sure how to get to the RFCR, so I took a shortcut through Apollo.  No one else was there, so I just tried to absorb the room.  It really felt like some of those guys were still there, watching over their equipment and program they devoted their lives too.  It’s a very neat place to visit, especially when you’re allowed to touch things (like I can because I’m an employee).

Too bad that inspriation wasn’t enough to balance the work silliness that I refuse to blog about because it could get back to poeple and cause drama.  I’m just sick of misunderstandings that seem to be purposely created to make me look back.  But whatever, I’ll keep looking for work.  If they don’t want me there, I don’t want to be there.

Time for bed. Chiro in the am will make things much better.

Tattoos and moving on

This isn’t really about me, but I want to write a little about it.  Carrie got her second dragon tattoo last night.  She has planned these tattoos for years as a memorial to her grandma and great-grandma.  With her back pay she finally had the money to get them done.  The seizures have made them more important than ever, because she’s spent so much money trying to hold onto their memory.  Now they are always a part of her, freeing up her energy for other things, like healing.

This is Carrie’s new dragon, for her grandma (who is really her great-grandma) Opal.  She is a water personality, and thus is a water dragon.  The water drops coming off the back were a neat touch.  The tattoo design by Slui, an up and coming tattoo artist working at the shop of the artist that did the dragon below who is in NM indefinitely.

This is Carrie’s first dragon, for her grandma Diane.  She was a real firey personality, and thus is a fire dragon.  Notice the ball she’s holding is blue, and the ball for Opal is red.  Each of them has parts of each other, but definitely have different personalities.  This tattoo was a modification of one we found online.  His name was David, but I don’t know his last name.  I’ll update this if I figure it out.

Carrie is definitely changed by these tattoos.  She’s been going out in public without a big sweatshirt on, which she rarely did before.  She draws strength from them and help calm her.  It’s like they are now closer to her than they were before.  I’m glad she’s happier with them and doing well.  :-)

On facing your darkness

I wrote this in response to a friend’s very bad day(s), and haven’t been inspired in this way before.  I think it’s a good reminder for myself and others, so I’m going to post it here.  If you are frustrated with a rough day or week, feeling like you’re spinning your wheels in your personal development, I hope this is helpful.

Perhaps a perspective from a different area. When people think of martial arts, they see that they learn different techniques that get progressively more difficult as they get to the elusive black belt. From the outside, it looks like being a black belt means the fancy techniques, like jumping spinning kicks. But let me tell you, that’s not the case. Becoming a black belt simply means you have mastered the basics. When I was training for my black belt, I spent far more hours honing my basics (literally the stuff students learn for their first 2 belts primarily) and only a little time on the fancy stuff. It isn’t until you are reaching that level that you understand nothing but the basics really matters, as that is your foundation. Working toward that 2nd black belt is where the fancier stuff is honed.

The Jedi path is the same. I’ve been working on the basics for 7 years and still have more to work on! I’m not saying you have no right to be frustrated with the process, because we all end up there at some point. You want to improve yourself, and there are days when it doesn’t feel like that is happening. Like today, I had a horrible day with zero motivation, no energy (not even with a frappuccino with an extra esspresso shot!). In these days you wonder if it ever gets better, but take a moment. Think back. You’ve reached this point before, and you came out of it fairly quickly. And you will come out of this place again, because all those basics did matter, and did build a foundation in you that will propel you forward. Your path does not end here.

Don’t worry about facing your darkness right now. I believe you are pushing too hard on that idea, which is what is pulling you down. You won’t hear me say this often, but turn away from it. Turn toward your light. Let the darkness just hang out for a bit. It’s like you fell into a pit. Your flashlight has run out of battery power, so you have nothing left to illuminate the darkness. But you can see there are some roots along the walls and daylight above you. Now you can try to push, and use the dim light filtering from above, which will take far longer and leave you frustrated and hungry, or you can pull yourself out of that hole, which is also a bit painful. Once you get there, you grab new batteries, and perhaps an extra flashlight, and can then head back down to that pit armed with extra energy. Do you understand? Trust me, I’ve never used this analogy before, it is definitely inspired and meant for you to use. You’re going to be ok.

(perhaps I can expand this into a full general post later, but it’s past my bedtime and I’m quite exhausted)

Ten Years

Yesterday, August 15, marked 10 years for Carrie and I as a couple.  This is when we realized, even across the country from each other, that denying we should be together is rediculous.  At this time, I had been in 29 Palms for a few weeks and she was still in Indiana.  Carrie was still dating Holloway, though long distance.  It took a little time for Carrie to resolve that, and it sucked for all of us because no one wanted to hurt anyone else.  But sometimes you just can’t stop the train, just try to minimize the impact.

Carrie moved out to California the next spring, weeks before I was discharged from the Marine Corps.  It was an incredibly dangerous thing to do – move her out when I still lived on base and couldn’t technically live off base.  But I was willing to take that risk knowing I was getting out.  I wasn’t willing to have her so far away any longer than was necessary.  Since then there have been many ups and downs.  Many moves.  California to Indiana to Wisconsin to Texas.  Who knows where we’ll be next, I just know it won’t be Texas!  In between there we visited Canada to get married.  It’s already been 5.5 years since that little trek.  Time is flying by!

Part of the reason it flies is because of Carrie’s health problems.  We haven’t been able to live like we’d like, but we’re working on it.  Today, we talked while eating our traditional celebratory meal of Texas Roadhouse.  We’re going to make a greater effort to do things together when she feels remotely good enough.  Whether that’s playing a game, watching a movie, or just going for a drive, we need more together time.  She needs it especially to give her the strength and motivation to keep pushing through her health struggles.

We spent the evening of our anniversary at the hospital because Carrie had a sudden seizure and fell.  The only thing that broke her fall was her head, which was turned sideways.  Luckily nothing was broken, but the hospital did a horible job treating her.  Like always we are stuck making the best of it while other people with minimal problems are given pain medication and muscle relaxers like they’re candy.  *sigh*  It isn’t hard to love Carrie or be married to her.  It’s hard to see so many people fail her, however, and not be able to do anything about it.  I want to make it all ok for her, but I fail as well.  I’m dedicated to another decade and then some.  I believe things are going to improve, and once it’s time she will improve rapidly.  Then things will probably move so fast my head may fall off.  Starting her career.  Kids.  A house.  All those things our parents did in their early 20’s we’ll be tackling in our 30’s.  I don’t honestly know how they did it in their 20’s because that’s a lot to handle.

We may end up back in Wisconsin for a while.  It should make adoption easier because they now have domestic partnership (whatever that means).  I think it may be time to spend time closer to home where we can solidify our roots, help our families go through their own transitions, before we head west finally.  We’re both ready to settle down, but haven’t had any desire to do it here.  It’s funny, as different as we both can be, we tend to be fairly in sync about the big stuff.  I think that’s why we work.  We’re connected at an incredibly deep level, which transcends things like different movie tastes or hobbies.

Ten years ago, I couldn’t imagine where we’d be today.  Heck, it’s hard to remember where we were then.  I really can’t imagine where we’ll be in another ten years.  How many kids?  What state will we be living in?  What will my career be?  The only thing that matters to me is that she’s there, with me.  Everything else is just details.

It’s gone

The negative entity that has tortured Carrie in a sense for months is gone.  It has, in essence, been killed.  It’s soul was taken from it and brought back to ‘limbo’ where it will either reincarnate or it could still make a new choice and return Home.  Either way, it cannot hurt Carrie or anyone else anymore.  What I was surprised to learn is that all the guards and guides are now grieving.  No one wanted to do this.  Hell, almost none of them knew it was possible, so it’s a shock.  The process is painful for everyone involved, so they need to be debriefed and grieve even though this was a nasty entity – it’s still a life.

I’m happy and relieved that this situation is resolved and Carrie is still alive.  I’m glad I don’t have to argue with this thing.  But I too feel the sadness that it didn’t make the choice which would allow it to go home.  It couldn’t break the cycle of darkness.  That is it’s choice, but I can see why we should grieve the loss of life.

It’s now time to sleep.  I’m OJTing a sim in the morning, just 4 hours or so, but I need to be alert.  I think I’ll have to snag a frappuccino on the way in.  Well, here’s to a good night’s rest with some good dreams.

Very busy

I’m swamped at work right now.  I know it’s not as bad as some people, but dealing with scripting sim cases is time consuming for me.  Tomorrow I’ll be scrambling as I still don’t have an electrical case prepared at all.  actually, I’m going to look at a little bit of that tonight because I want to minimize the anxiety dreams I have tonight.  I’d prefer to have interesting, awe inspiring, or beneficial dreams instead of dreams where I’m just reading manuals. lol

Carrie’s having a rough time with her health.  It’s bad enough she’s having seizures because of the reduction in medication (planned), she’s been fighting a virus for well over a month now and now has congestion in her inner ear.  I got tylenol severe cold with the real decongestant and it doesn’t seem to be doing much.  Tomomrrow I need to get some melaleuca oil in there, just a little bit, since it can permeate the eardrum and help kill any infections.  Since Carrie has swimmers ear we need to avoid too much fluid, but this oil evaporates quickly.

Tomorrow she has a caregiver for a few hours.  Hopefully that will allow her to sleep since that’s what she really needs to heal up.  But if she doesn’t she has lego Batman to amuse her.  So far our refurbished PS3 has only been used to watch a few movies and play batman, but that’s ok.  It’s easy to setup in the bedroom with the little tv and has helped her stay more relaxed.  I think I’ll pick up lego Indiana Jones for her next.  I’m pretty disappointed in the options for games on PS3 so far, but hope Little Big Planet and the upcoming Final Fantasy XIII games make up for it.  I mean, if I can’t get something cooler than what I already can play on the wii, there’s little point beyond the blue ray player anyway.

I just took a half hour pause from writing, maybe more, to go outside and look for meteor showers.  We don’t have an ideal viewing location – lots of outside lights, tall trees, and thin clouds.  I think it’s also too early, but why not give it a try.  I stood out there for a while, just looking and listening.  It’s been so very long since I just sat outside.  It’s been so hot that this isn’t pleasant, and I don’t want to leave Carrie unattended for long, but perhaps I can start doing this once a week.  Just breathing in the air (smelled like rain, though none was close), listening to the frogs and birds, watching the possom scurry around…very peaceful.  I didn’t see any meteors, but that’s ok.  I still have vivid memories of these shows from 96 I believe.  I was staying over at Megan’s house, which is conveniently located in the middle of the country.  We laid out on the grass for hours watching them.  Got to see a few of those giant fireballs and everything.  It was awesome.  I also saw some great things while at Birch Creek, though we usually had fog on those nights, just to keep us out of trouble and practicing probably. lol

This all reminds me how simple it is to connect with our spirit.  We need merely stop, breath, observe the world around us in a natural setting.  Listen to the life that goes on whether humans are there to interfere or observe or not.  I chose to do my night yoga/qigong routine out there since it felt right.  Doing it in shoes is a little different, and I’m not used to doing it anywhere someone could possibly see me, but it went off without any problems.  I couldn’t make an energy ball after, but that’s ok.  It was a nice experience.  I’ll have to do this more often.

Oh, and finally I spent time sitting on the steps, just talking with my little blue wolf, who may be eternally stuck with that name unless I come up with something better.  I’m horrible with naming things.  With Kitchi, my first carved wolf in Picture Rock Jasper was named by going to baby books and looking up words like strong and stuff.  Turns out, we probably got the wrong translation.  Kitchi Kohana was supposed to mean strong and fast, instead it means large and fast (or grand, like a large or grand mountain).  It’s still a good name for my little warrior wolf.  My spirit wolf named himself after I dawdled finding one.  He chose the name caller.  He felt it was a strong name, so I guess it works!  This leaves two carved wolves.  The rose quarz one represents love primarily, and the blue one just resonates joy.  Unfortunately I haven’t found a good name for them based on this.  Time will tell.

I better get to bed.  Tomorrow is going to be a long stressful day that I can’t wait to finish. lol The next day I’m OJT the first 4 hours of the sim, and friday I’m running a sim I feel ill prepared for.  Then, next tuesday is a 545 on console day, so that day will be incredibly long.  Hopefully the mission will launch and I can do more of the practice stuff I need to do to gain confidence.  Either way, it’ll work out.  It always does.  When will saturay be here?  Time to live in the moment.  Hoping for beneficial dreams and some solid sleep.

Angels and Saving Grace

Carrie and I are both very into the TNT show, Saving Grace.  In it, a woman named Grace is met by her last chance angel, named Earl.  Earl is not what religions teach us about angels, that they have wings and are…I guess pious?  Basically, Earl spends his time gently guiding Grace and only getting harsh or pulling out his wings when absolutely necessary.  Overall, he loves her and knows she has to come to her path in her own way.

We like this show because it’s so close to our experience of angels/guides.  A few years ago, when I asked Geraldine about the difference, she said it’s basically a differenc of belief.  If you need a guide, you get a guide.  If you’re into angels, you’ll see angels.  In the end, they are the same being.  I’ve only seen glimpses of our in house guides, and the only remotely clear glance was of Leah, looking like a normal, albiet non-physical, being.  But, they are all capable of brining out wings if that’s what is necessary for Carrie.  They are a lot like Earl, though they don’t talk about God much.  That may be for me though, I don’t know all that they talk about with Carrie.  Since she does pray, they probably keep God talk to her and with me we use words I use and am comfortable with.  I find it funny that Leah tries to keep us all from bad language, including T.  Yeah, getting a Marine to not curse…good luck. lol I know there is benefit to cleaning up language, and there’s got to be a purpose for it, but I don’t believe we offend God, especially not with language.  I think it has to do with interaction with different people in the end.

I’m working on my comfort with angels.  I know they exist, but what it means to be an angel is something I’m still working on.  I think the more traditional angels, like the archangels (is that the right term?) are very high level beings, but they too can be seen as a guide or an angel if necessary.  In the end, it’s the message that is important, and not the messenger.
Final note, Saving Grace is a rough show, and not for young eyes.  Sex, violence, bad behavior…but fascinating to see someone go from completely self destructive to making positive changes in their life.  But she’s definitely still a flawed human being.  That’s also realistic.  Just because a guide or angel comes into your life doesn’t mean you can instantly become a perfect person.  If that were possible we wouldn’t need guides to help us out anyway.

I wonder if this show has allowed people to be more receptive to their own guides, even if they aren’t aware of them?  I know that question is impossible to answer, but I think it’s helping me come around to calling guides angels as well, which will make it easier to help people in the future.  If I can’t communicate with religious folks I greatly limit the people I can help since so many are religious.  I would also miss out on what they can teach me.  Thankfully I’ve been learning this at work as well.  I will heal from the damage the church did to me (unintentionally).  It would be nice to feel like going to a christmas service when home and be comfortable doing it.  It is my absolute favorite time at church, all those memories of the christmas service at school.  The tree, the lights, the hymns… good memories.  And now I’m rambling so I will end this.  :-)

Watch saving grace, it’s available on Netflix and Blockbuster I believe.  And it’s on TNT tuesday nights this season.