Combat Diary and the roller coaster of issues

Since Carrie is gone, I decided to watch a movie she wouldn’t want to watch - Combat Diary, The Marines of Lima Company. She’s not keen on the war movies, which amazes me because she’ll watch horror all day. I guess it comes down to the reality factor. I’m the opposite. I can watch war movies without problem, but horror messes with my head. My theory has to do with our past lives. I didn’t die in war like she did last time around, and I spent my career as a soldier, which I think gave me different coping mechanisms this time. Who knows.

I finally watched this tonight. I cried, I laughed, I remembered, and basically rode a roller coaster of emotions. But you know, it was worth it. I think that at the very least, I owe it to my brothers to know a little of what they went through. I feel for those that lost their best friends. And I cried when they showed the families of those left behind. The little girl that never met her dad. The children too young to know their fathers, and those who were old enough to miss them, but not to understand why they’re gone. But I don’t think there’s an age limit on that understanding.

I wonder if hearing taps will always hit me. Growing up, you understood it as a somber occasion if taps was played, but now it means so much more. It makes me wonder how these Marines can hold it together. Is it something they learn at SNCO school? What’s on the schedule for today. Oh, how to not cry while announcing the names of the Marines who died under your command. Sounds like a fun class. I guess it’s just that bearing thing they tried to instill in us in boot camp that I usually failed miserably at accomplishing. I have my moments, but I’m not as serious as everyone thinks I am. Nor am I saying this is an ideal to reach for, but it seems handy sometimes. The ability to hold it together when everything is crashing around you is so crucial.

I guess right now I’m realizing what a strange night I’ve had. I voluntarily watched something that made me cry. lol Yet I’m still in a good mood underneath it, as this afternoon was awesome. If I think about this dual state I’m in, I think I’ll hurt my head, so I’m not going to worry about it. I’m going to let this pass, and then write about my good news.

Maybe, someday, I’ll understand why I have such a hard time letting someone go. I’m sure I could very easily cry over Susan or Henry. There’s no reason for it that I understand. Logically it isn’t a big deal. I must not be good with finding closure or this would have been resolved long ago. Stupid closure. Stupid sad feelings that I don’t understand. blah

See my roller coaster? Now give me a few minutes and I can be riding high on my good news again. It’s crazy. At least no one’s home to see me be an idiot, everyone can just read it lol So I’m going to stop rambling now, because I’m not getting any closer to an answer as when I started. I should probably start to get ready for bed anyway. Maybe put in From the Earth to the Moon and put my focus on my future and relax. Or I’ll meditate and see what comes of it, either initially or in my dreams.

Thank god carrie returns tomorrow. I ramble too much when I don’t have someone to talk to.