starving

I just can’t satisfy myself tonight.  I made a big supper of chicken breast, rice, and lima beans.  This should have made me full, but it didn’t.  So I hate more rice, and then an apple.  I’m still hungry!  It’s crazy.  Gunny said it’s a ‘new hunger for new ideas’ or thoughts.  It’s so weird how that happens.  Must be some influential energy shifts.  As always, I’ll ride it out and see where I end up since there aren’t maps for me to follow anyway.  lol

On a completely superficial note, I’m getting an awesome phone next week.  My phone hasn’t worked right for many months now, dropping calls, turning off, killing the incoming signal, whatever it wanted.  Our contract is finally up for renewal so I get a phone for free.  I should be getting an orange enV, which has a full keyboard and little speakers to listen to music on.  It should be fun.  :-)  But more than anything, I look forward to talking to my mom and hearing what she says without dropping the conversation!

Contingencies

I guess I should say a tiny bit about what’s going on.  Unfortunately, I don’t think Carrie wants me to say too much, which means this will be veiled.  Simply, she had a very bad day yesterday.  Or was it monday?  My head is too off to remember.  But it was one of those super bad, never want to repeat again mornings, which I thankfully slept through.  What it means is that she’s taking a week or so back home as soon as we can get the money for the plane ticket from her friend.  She needs to address a bunch of old issues so she can move forward in life and become who she is supposed to be.

However, it’s also made us have to discuss what would happen if she were to either die or basically become non-responsive in some way.  I’m supposed to move on, which I know.  If she’s on life support, I should pull the plug.  And if she’s basically in a coma to put her in a facility and visit each week.  None of these situations are desirable, but when you have someone who has seizures like hers, it’s quite possible she could just fry her brain one day.  This doesn’t mean we’re giving up, just making sure her wishes are known.  Not fun to think about though.

I’m not overly worried.  I’m also resisting any urge to push forward because that won’t help.  I’m staying at the same pace I was at before.  I’m feeling good about the career fair coming up.  I’ve had some good contacts with people lately, so I feel good overall.  It sucks that Carrie will be gone for a week, but I’ll cope.  It just means I’ll have to cook for myself on very limited funds right now. lol  Tuna helper anyone?  hahaha  Actually, I’ll probably have quesadillas  every night with refried beans, mushrooms, onions, and cheese.  :-)  I can make those pretty well.

Oh, and as a side note, I got a random email this morning asking if I would tutor a junior here in Austin.  So I’m not tutoring this girl every thursday night for an hour.  It’s a bit of extra cash, plus good for my brain.  Yay!  lol  Every day, just a little more money comes in to solve the need.  It’s quite nice.

Public or Private

At some point, I think most people have to ask this question: Do I keep my blog public or private?  For me, this question has come up as I am applying for a job and wondering if someone will look me up online.  Apparently more companies do this now, take a look at facebook and myspace and form an initial impression of a person based on those pages.  And, since my blog is linked from them, it’s not a completely invalid question.

I share my personal beliefs about spirituality, the world, and my life in my blog.  I don’t think any of my beliefs make me less of an employee.  I don’t think they decrease my ability to do a good job at any position I agree to.  But, I’ve also been burned by the beliefs of others.  In the Marine Corps I was a good Marine.  I graduated at the top of my MOS schools.  Yet when I got to the fleet, my sexuality kept others from accepting me.  It also contributed to having fewer opportunities to learn my job, as much of it is on the job training.  What’s interesting is that my sexuality did not affect my ability to do my job in any way.  It was the beliefs and insecurities of others that affected my opportunities.

I’m older now.  I see where I also erred in this situation.  I didn’t make an effort to get to know the guys.  Ignorance is tamped by knowledge, and in the case of issues of sexuality it is tamed by getting to know the people involved.  I kept to myself, too afraid of what would happen if they knew to develop any friendships.   And while valid, I simply didn’t have the interpersonal tools to maneuver this minefield of friendship with minimal disclosure.

Thankfully, I’m not a person that is content staying where I am.  I am in a constant state of reaching for improvement.  At this point in my life I am changing so rapidly that my past behaviors are almost never indications of future action.  This can be true on as short a time scale as a month, perhaps less.  I strive for more precision in language, both written and spoken.  I’m working to slow down my speaking so my brain can keep up.  And I work on listening, because it is so crucial to effective communication.  It’s not always easy, overriding the behaviors learned as a painfully shy child, but it is rewarding.

Recently, I feel my training has been ramped up again.  More precise communication is being asked of me.  I’m not quite sure where the lines are, but I believe it’s a combination of learning discretion and minimizing misunderstandings and hurt feelings.  Discretion is important because if the wrong thing is said to the wrong person, the delicate balance can be disturbed.  Also, in applying for security sensitive positions I have to know what to say and what not to say.  This will be even more important if I work with people from other countries.  While I expect individuals chosen for the astronaut corps to be pretty stable individuals, it doesn’t hurt to speak clearly and precisely.

I’ve decided to keep my blog public.  I have nothing to hide.  I will answer questions if they come up, as honestly as I am capable of.  This blog, like myself, is in a constant state of flux as I learn and grow.  I believe these changes only make me a better employee.  My spirituality is very open, not hindering my understanding of science or people.  In fact, the more I come into myself as a spiritual being, the more my scientific talents come to light.  We are at our best when we can merge into one self - intellect and intuition working together instead of competing.  The space program requires both, along with the creativity that comes with they are working together.   I can think of no greater place for me to learn and grow than the human space program.

This post has helped clarify my thoughts heading into the career fair on the 6th.  I have more preparation to do, but I’m not worried.  I’m excited at this opportunity.  Before yesterday I would say that now all I have to do is wait.  Instead, I am adopting the phrase that came to me last night.  I’m watching things fall into place.  It removes the question of when that is automatically present in the concept of waiting.   I’m just watching things fall into place.  It’s a much better feeling.

ER Trip

Last night we gave in and went to the ER.  Carrie had been struggling with seizures for days and finally decided it was worth trying the ER.  She was seizing when we got there, and when the nurse got out to the truck.  That got her a speedy trip on a bed to the back.  They took blood, gave her pain meds, and decided to increase her depakote dosage.  Gee, this isn’t something that should have happened months ago?  lol  All this took 4 hours.  That kinda sucked.  But rainy Austin nights means a lot of crash victims, slowing down the doctors.  Driving home at 2am in the fog wasn’t so fun, but we survived.

So it turns out her increased metabolism due to eating right and exercising is probably what caused her medicine to drop.  I’m hoping this increased dose will give her the leeway to workout and not have seizures.  They are also forwarding her chart to the neurologist, though they didn’t do anything last time except schedule a test no one will pay for.  We’ll see what happens this time. 

I took the morning off, arriving to work at 11.  That was still less than 7  hours of sleep however, so I’m a bit out of it.  So far I’ve only answered phones and did a minimal amount of paperwork.  I guess I’ll have to work soon when my boss returns from lunch.  lol  There is work to do, so I can’t complain, just prefer a nap right now.

Oh, and on the plus side, the nurses were really good to Carrie last night.  The crew may have been slow due to other issues, but they were excellent otherwise.  Yay!

Preparing for goodbyes

Last night, Gunny had a little chat with me through Carrie.  The details regarding her aren’t necessary to share, but he then told me he’d be leaving soon.  This makes me quite sad, as he has become part of our family.  But we understand he needs to move on, as his job here is coming to a close and it’s detrimental to his development to stay much longer.  That doesn’t make it any easier to say goodbye however.  I guess it’s something I have to learn to deal with though.

In any case, he told me I’ve been an inspiration, which always makes me feel silly. He said I taught him about living in faith.  Asking later he clarified that while he understands it, I’m a living example.  I guess I can understand that.  Back to the original conversation he told me that I don’t understand how rare a gift it is to have faith.  I may not ever be able to see or hear what Carrie does, he doesn’t know, but I have always walked my path intuitively.  I am able to continue to follow it, remaining centered.  I guess as gifts go, that’s not such a bad one.  If I’m not going to be given lots of raw data, to be able to intuitively go the right way is pretty darn useful.

And finally he put a hand up, which I grabbed.  He clasped my hand very tightly and said we’re brothers in arms, brothers in life, and (will be) brothers in death.   I’m not quite sure what all of that mean, but I get the gist of it.  I’m really going to miss him, though he’ll probably be here for another 2 months or so.

Last night we had a good chat after we went to Half Price Books.  While there Carrie and I had a good chat with a female Army captain.  She said she couldn’t be a Marine, I said I couldn’t be an officer.  lol  It was quite fun actually.  I had to go look for a book, and when she left she told Carrie she felt like she wasn’t pressed enough and wanted to smooth out her pocket.  But those darn new uniforms aren’t easy to keep super pressed.  I didn’t notice though.  But, when we were there I also saw a VHS box set called Semper Fidelis, a history of the Marine Corps in WW2 using combat footage and stuff.  I can’t wait to watch it.

Talking about that box set got Gunny into story mode.  He told us things he wouldn’t normally be allowed to.  But we aren’t going to use it to identify him or anything.  It would serve no purpose.  He told us about being in Recon, and about missions that ‘never happened’, and about the two gay guys in his squad.  We learned he had a son, and that he was in Vietnam, which is what I suspected.  All in all, it was an interesting night.  It’s just too bad he has to leave.  He said we’ll never be unprotected, but we won’t have a relationship with new guards like we did with him.  I guess that’s ok though.  Another lesson in letting go.  I don’t like those lessons…

I want to update…

but I’ve been so busy it’s hard to have the time to do it justice.  I spent a few days researching my dream job, realizing it’s absolutely within my reach, and applying.  Now there’s nothing left to do but wait on that front.  So I’m working on getting to work closer to 8am instead of 9.  lol

The real fun is helping Carrie who has not slept more than an hour or so for the past few days.  Thankfully she’s sleeping now.  I tried to help her energy as much as I could.  If she stays sleeping for another 20 minutes I’ll start getting ready for bed.  Tomorrow will be a day of catching up tutor assessments if she’s stable enough for me to focus on them.  I’ve got assessments that will take more focus than the others left, so I need to do them without interruption.

Life is fun.  I’m tired, which is good.  Maybe I can go to bed early enough to get to work by 8.  That would be a miracle!  lol  I’ve been working on that goal for a few weeks now.  hahahaha  I’m just not willing to do it if it means cutting my sleep drastically, so it’s been a slow process of trying to safely shift my sleep patterns.  Fun stuff.  I guess I’m going to get ready for bed and try to be quiet in the process.  I hope everyone is well.

Hmm…

How do you prepare for a job you know nothing about?  And how do you learn about said job when it’s security sensitive?  lol  Apparently you look up people who work there on facebook and send them messages.  :-)  At least that’s what I did today.  I don’t know a lot more, but something is better than nothing.  I also called HR today to clarify the application process and put feelers out with career services.  Now I’m reading a book on the history of the space shuttle to gleen any information I can from it.  Unfortunately it’s bedtime so I’m only reading another page or so.  But it’s a start.

Focus, balance, and priorities

My life is out of balance.  Always has been.  This is because I lack focus and forget priorities.  So, as I continue my never ending quest to find balance, I’m continuing to force myself to unpack boxes and organize the house.  Why does it take more than a month to unpack?  It’s crazy.  Anyway, I figure the more I can unpack and organize in the house, the better I’ll feel about it.  So I’ve made it a priority many times, rather than watching tv or even doing stuff online like I should.  Which means tomorrow I get to do a bunch of tutor assessments, which is ok.

I have a secondary motivation for unpacking though.  While it’s nice to have a clean house, I’m still missing the second group of letters I wrote in boot camp.   Without them our book becomes harder to write.  So I’ve opened boxes I don’t think I’ll need just to make sure they aren’t in there.  I’m running out of boxes now, and getting a little worried.  But they can still turn up.

As for focus, since I don’t have much right now, it’s been on my mind a lot.  I mean, I’m one of those people that’s always had a lot of potential.  I pick things up easily and find many things interesting.  Unfortunately that was a problem because I never really focused on any one thing for long.  Much of that potential is untapped, and I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of greatness for not having focused.  Many times I’ve thought that it would be nice to go to jail just so I’d be forced to focus.  Self discipline is often an issue for me.  I don’t really want to go to jail, I guess a meditation retreat or something similar would work too.  But even in situations where I didn’t have many distractions, I found them.  I just don’t do well focusing on just one thing for too long, unless it’s fun.  But even then, I lose interest and want to do something else.

Most of the time this isn’t helpful.  But maybe my problem is that I haven’t found a way to channel myself into things properly?  It’s not excuse for avoiding focus, but I don’t think I can change so drastically before I need to find a new job.  I guess I’m going to do my best to work on it.  lol  Noncommittal enough?  I am working on it, there’s just so much to work on all at once, no wonder I can’t focus.  :-)  Sleep, however, would help.  I guess I should head there soon.

Dreams - January 08

And here are the dreams for January so far.

Dreams - December 07

Continuing the dream journal - December 2007