Busy and a book

Still busy with life.  Lots to unpack, but we’re slowly making dents.  My focus is on trying to get that done as soon as possible without losing my mind or sleep.  lol  Carrie is spending a lot of time trying to get ready for her next ascension in January, which means starting intensive 2 hour meditation sessions, cutting out coffee and caffeine in general, etc.  I learned that I am apparently prepared for mine and just waiting for the right time.  I guess I do some intense preparation while I sleep, which explains the ravenous hunger I had for about a week.  Now it’s just waiting, which I don’t like.  However, I had a few tiny insights the other day which made me feel like I wasn’t just waiting and doing nothing.

The thing that helped was talking to Olga about writing a book about boot camp.  There is a grand total of 1 book on female Marine boot camp that involves personal experiences.  So there is definitely a need for this.  Plus, it’s fun and gets us inspired.  Tonight I’ve been looking for my writings home and other notes  I have.  Then I’ll copy them to olga so she can read and try to construct her own timeline of memories.  I figure, once we have as many details as we can come up with we can begin to fictionalize it.  Quite simply, it’s a pain to get permission to use people’s names and all that in a book, and fiction allows us some flexibility.  Though I really don’t know how this all works.  I’ll address it when it comes up.

So far I found the letters sent to me, my knowledge notebook, and a few other things.  I also have my letters home through the end of july, but that leaves a whole nother bag of stuff that I haven’t found yet.  Grrr.  oh well .  By the way, the phrase “a whole nother” is one I use a lot, but never type because it looks weird.  I don’t even know where it came from, just something I heard growing up.  lol

Anyway, I wanted to end this with a poem I wrote in boot camp, on 27 July 1998.  It’s not outstanding or anything, but it shows where I was at, almost 2 months in.  It’s unedited, and there are two bits that probably don’t belong in a finish product, but this isn’t about finished, just preservation.

The air is heavy

it drags me down

adding weight to my body

inside and out

I try to be strong

stand up straight

but the spirit gives up

and the body breaks

Each day gets harder

and harder to bear

At the moment when I

should be happiest here

Half way through

on the way home

just have to concentrate

on making this qual

But my mind is distracted

my spirit is gone

I can’t trust my body

to remain strong

(side verses)

I know that it’s in me

hiding somewhere

I know that it’s in me

It has to be there

I’m tired from living

I’m tired from trying

I’m tired of hearing

everyone crying

(back on track perhaps?)

I need to find it

that something inside

to keep me going

and feel alive

to push me on

until I make it home

where I finish this journey

to strike out on my own.