Honoring Connections

I have this habit of thinking…a lot, which is obvious when you spend enough time with me.  One topic that has occupied my brain for quite some time now is the phenomena of human connections, their formation and expression.  I don’t think I’ve learned much since the last time I’ve tackled this topic.  But, a new connection has added a few new ideas, so it’s time to tackle it again.  What’s funny is that, since just yesterday my perspective has changed a lot so you’re going to read something very different than if I wrote this yesterday.  I’ll include some of those thoughts today anyway. 

 I questioned whether to write this at all as admitting to my own shortcomings and struggles might change how people view me.  But if I don’t, how can I live a life that is honest?  How can I help change the world if I am falling into the same trap as many others?  I can’t.  But I’m still human and ask that you resist judgement because that’s the only way we can heal the dysfunction that is human relationships.

 I’ve come to believe that the most important experience we have when incarnating in human form is the connections we form with other people, for better or worse.  Everyone, at some point, will form a strong connection with someone, whether they’re aware of it or not.  Some of us are blessed (or cursed lol) with the ability to follow our souls and form deep connections with a lot of people, some of which we barely know.  I can only speak from my own experiences now, but in my case the people I form deep connections with are very intuitive people.  Even if they’re not aware of it, they live a life lead by intuition.  I think our intuition is a key component in these connections, telling us that there’s more to this person for us than casual amusement. 

 Where intuition falls short is in figuring out how to express these connections.  When I was younger and newly out I could fall for any friend and pretty easily be lead to a physical relationship that perhaps wasn’t in anyone’s best interest.  But, I didn’t have a clue how to handle these feelings that I had.  I only knew people who had deep connections with their spouse, so why wouldn’t this relationshp attempt to head that direction?  This makes for a lot of confusion, sometimes a decent amount of pain, and plenty of learning opportunities.  I didn’t know how to just be a friend unless the other person enforced boundaries.  Which means, when friends with someone who also didn’t know how to handle connections, interesting things happened.  Not all bad, because I was single and young and that’s what that time is for. 

But now, and for the past 8 years, I’ve been in a relationship.  Crossing boundaries is no longer appropriate, forcing me to figure out how to be just a friend without damaging the connection formed with people.  During the first months of that relationship I didn’t do very well.  I crossed lines with people, some of which were bad choices, others I don’t regret in the least.  But I learned quickly that I couldn’t trust myself to hold boundaries that I didn’t understand.  To solve the problem I simply didn’t put myself in tempting situations.  It’s not a permanent solution, but it gives me time to work things out so that now, 8 years later, I’m starting to get a grip on this issue.

You see, the other night I was in a very interesting position of being able to act from spirit, yet still hearing my ego mind which was having a good time with other ideas.  For example, I could understand how some people choose open relationships, at least certain types of relationships.  When you feel such strong connections with people, how do you honor them without damaging the most important connection to your spouse?  Some people do this by honoring all of them.  I know I can’t do this.  I don’t think I’m capable of maintaining the proper focus.  Nor would I give up what I have now.  I do love my wife, and I love our life even though it’s far from ideal right now.

 I think this is what really confuses me.  I know that sex can greatly enhance a connection.  Yet, the way we have defined marriage in our society this can only be used to enhance one relationship.  So while I’m learning how to be more sexual within my marriage, I have to simultaneously learn to be non-sexual with every other connection in my life.  How confusing is that?!

 This is pretty much where I was yesterday with this, though I’m sure I’ve missed some points in this telling.  This morning, however, I got a message from Olga, answering what I didn’t realize was such a loaded question I asked last night.  (Sometimes I forget that other people had a harder life than I could imagine)  I realized that connections are strengthened simply by opening our hearts and sharing things that are really important.  Her message focused me instantly so I could easily be a friend, without confusion, without concern, living from spirit.  If this sounds overly simple, I’m sure I’m not explaining it right.  On an intellectual level it is simple, but on a deeper level it isn’t.  Connections aren’t just intellectual (if they ever are) but they are tangible.  You can feel them if you pay attention.  That’s why sex can be so effective, it addresses things on the physical and spiritual level. (hopefully)  So to have words do that as well can be tricky.  Perhaps the problem is that we too rarely speak truth, those words that reach our core because they carry their feeling and intention so strongly.  Half truths don’t do that. 

 Two days ago I began to see that I could trust myself with friends.  Today I understand it more deeply.  Maybe this doesn’t make sense to anyone but me, but that’s ok.  I’m sure I’ll need a reminder in the future too. 

 Spirit seeks truth.  Spirit speaks truth.  This can heal the world.  I now understand much more how to honor all my relationships.  If everyone understood this how many affairs could be avoided?  How much pain?  I’m not promoting that every relationship is good and that people should stay together.  However, how many good relationships were damaged by a simple lack of awareness?  Hopefully, mine will never be one of them.