Naps and insomnia

Ugh, I enjoyed my nap this afternoon.  Two hours before I had to get up and go to work.  And now, even though it’s 10 hours later I apparently can’t sleep.  Which sucks, because I want to sleep.  I decided to get up, do a few things, and now I’ll try to lie down again and see if I can drift to sleep.  It would certainly be nice.

a desert island

Since today has been so…crazy, I’m going to simply share a lighthearted post today.  I have decided that if I were stuck on a desert island that conveniently has a tv and dvd player, I would bring Hairspray.  Why?

1.  Awesome music.  I can spend time learning the music for each instrument (which I so creatively make from the trees and coconuts).  I can also learn the lyrics to all the songs and learn the various vocal parts.

2.  Dancing.  With the shake and shimmy edition they’ll teach me all the dance steps.  Now, I don’t dance.  I don’t have the faintest clue what to do.  But, I can learn choreography thanks to my years with the junior high and high school show choir.  Am I good?  Hell no, I probably look like an idiot.  But it’s damn fun!  And a good workout, so I wouldn’t gain weight on my island.

3.  It feels good.  Seriously, the movie is just uplifting in every way.  I have a feeling that would be crucial on a desert island.  lol

Now, if you can come up with a movie that has better music, with dance steps that are doable for a non professional dancer with a good message, you just let me know.  But I am doubtful. 

Honoring Connections

I have this habit of thinking…a lot, which is obvious when you spend enough time with me.  One topic that has occupied my brain for quite some time now is the phenomena of human connections, their formation and expression.  I don’t think I’ve learned much since the last time I’ve tackled this topic.  But, a new connection has added a few new ideas, so it’s time to tackle it again.  What’s funny is that, since just yesterday my perspective has changed a lot so you’re going to read something very different than if I wrote this yesterday.  I’ll include some of those thoughts today anyway. 

 I questioned whether to write this at all as admitting to my own shortcomings and struggles might change how people view me.  But if I don’t, how can I live a life that is honest?  How can I help change the world if I am falling into the same trap as many others?  I can’t.  But I’m still human and ask that you resist judgement because that’s the only way we can heal the dysfunction that is human relationships.

 I’ve come to believe that the most important experience we have when incarnating in human form is the connections we form with other people, for better or worse.  Everyone, at some point, will form a strong connection with someone, whether they’re aware of it or not.  Some of us are blessed (or cursed lol) with the ability to follow our souls and form deep connections with a lot of people, some of which we barely know.  I can only speak from my own experiences now, but in my case the people I form deep connections with are very intuitive people.  Even if they’re not aware of it, they live a life lead by intuition.  I think our intuition is a key component in these connections, telling us that there’s more to this person for us than casual amusement. 

 Where intuition falls short is in figuring out how to express these connections.  When I was younger and newly out I could fall for any friend and pretty easily be lead to a physical relationship that perhaps wasn’t in anyone’s best interest.  But, I didn’t have a clue how to handle these feelings that I had.  I only knew people who had deep connections with their spouse, so why wouldn’t this relationshp attempt to head that direction?  This makes for a lot of confusion, sometimes a decent amount of pain, and plenty of learning opportunities.  I didn’t know how to just be a friend unless the other person enforced boundaries.  Which means, when friends with someone who also didn’t know how to handle connections, interesting things happened.  Not all bad, because I was single and young and that’s what that time is for. 

But now, and for the past 8 years, I’ve been in a relationship.  Crossing boundaries is no longer appropriate, forcing me to figure out how to be just a friend without damaging the connection formed with people.  During the first months of that relationship I didn’t do very well.  I crossed lines with people, some of which were bad choices, others I don’t regret in the least.  But I learned quickly that I couldn’t trust myself to hold boundaries that I didn’t understand.  To solve the problem I simply didn’t put myself in tempting situations.  It’s not a permanent solution, but it gives me time to work things out so that now, 8 years later, I’m starting to get a grip on this issue.

You see, the other night I was in a very interesting position of being able to act from spirit, yet still hearing my ego mind which was having a good time with other ideas.  For example, I could understand how some people choose open relationships, at least certain types of relationships.  When you feel such strong connections with people, how do you honor them without damaging the most important connection to your spouse?  Some people do this by honoring all of them.  I know I can’t do this.  I don’t think I’m capable of maintaining the proper focus.  Nor would I give up what I have now.  I do love my wife, and I love our life even though it’s far from ideal right now.

 I think this is what really confuses me.  I know that sex can greatly enhance a connection.  Yet, the way we have defined marriage in our society this can only be used to enhance one relationship.  So while I’m learning how to be more sexual within my marriage, I have to simultaneously learn to be non-sexual with every other connection in my life.  How confusing is that?!

 This is pretty much where I was yesterday with this, though I’m sure I’ve missed some points in this telling.  This morning, however, I got a message from Olga, answering what I didn’t realize was such a loaded question I asked last night.  (Sometimes I forget that other people had a harder life than I could imagine)  I realized that connections are strengthened simply by opening our hearts and sharing things that are really important.  Her message focused me instantly so I could easily be a friend, without confusion, without concern, living from spirit.  If this sounds overly simple, I’m sure I’m not explaining it right.  On an intellectual level it is simple, but on a deeper level it isn’t.  Connections aren’t just intellectual (if they ever are) but they are tangible.  You can feel them if you pay attention.  That’s why sex can be so effective, it addresses things on the physical and spiritual level. (hopefully)  So to have words do that as well can be tricky.  Perhaps the problem is that we too rarely speak truth, those words that reach our core because they carry their feeling and intention so strongly.  Half truths don’t do that. 

 Two days ago I began to see that I could trust myself with friends.  Today I understand it more deeply.  Maybe this doesn’t make sense to anyone but me, but that’s ok.  I’m sure I’ll need a reminder in the future too. 

 Spirit seeks truth.  Spirit speaks truth.  This can heal the world.  I now understand much more how to honor all my relationships.  If everyone understood this how many affairs could be avoided?  How much pain?  I’m not promoting that every relationship is good and that people should stay together.  However, how many good relationships were damaged by a simple lack of awareness?  Hopefully, mine will never be one of them. 

quick ‘gaydar’ realization

Tonight at work I had a realization.  I always thought I had horrible gaydar.  But thinking back I’m realizing that there isn’t a single girl that I wasn’t seriously attracted to that didn’t have queer tendencies.  Now, when I first met them they may have thought they were completely straight, but they never were.  Some came out later when they finally realized they were gay.  Some realized they were bi.  And some have remained only making out with girls while drunk.  But either way, at some point they were no longer completely straight.  So perhaps my gaydar isn’t nearly as misguided as I think.

You know, gaydar sounds so…silly.  It’s really just intuition applied for a specific purpose - sexuality.  You can do the same things for finding athletes, Marines, whatever.  It’s whatever you choose to focus on.  But we develop this gaydar because it’s survival.  Who wants to accidentally hit on a straight person, or far worse actually fall for them?

I guess this is just another example of how my intuition is far stronger than I realized.  I need to be careful not to assume I’m right, of course, as I can be wrong or place my own wishes (sue bird) over what is actually there.  lol

This isn’t at all what I was going to talk about tonight, but it works.  I don’t think I’m quite ready to talk about what I need to talk about.  It’s one of those posts that make me look like an asshole unless I explain it right.  And even then, there are people who will not understand or who are too afraid of their own desires to see what I’m saying.  Now that you’re intrigued, I’m going to go home.  lol  I’ll give you a hint.  It involves understanding how humans (who I don’t believe are naturally monogamous) can remain monogamous without ignoring their feelings and spirit.   And hell, if I don’t post about it within a few days, feel free to nag me.  Sometimes bigger issues come up and I forget to come back to topics.  (who reads this?  How about I appoint Kol since I know he can nag me at multiple locations and is oh so good at it.  lol)

I hope everyone had a good monday.  I’m ready for bed.  Here’s to a safe drive home, rocking out to the Hairspray movie sountrack way too loud.  I have decided that all the broadway actors I’ve heard play Tracey on youtube can’t begin to compare to Nikki Blonsky.  I much prefer her voice over all of theirs.   Yay for clean, strong vocals!

Acting from Spirit

I’ve been slowly reading this book by Sonia Choquette called Trust Your Vibes.  I think it would be a useful book for people who are newer to the whole intuition thing, but it’s all been pretty much review of what I’ve been doing.  However, one thing that I’m surprised I hadn’t thought of is to basically command yourself to act from Spirit, rather than ego or mind.  It’s simply a matter of setting your intention by verbalizing that you are going to act from spirit, that spirit is in charge now.  In her book she gives examples of how, though the ego mind was still in play, and she thought those thoughts, her actions would be of her higher self.  Which seemed odd, until last night when I experienced it for myself.

I’m going to share this even though the person it refers to just might read this.  Which means I get to push my own open and honest issues, while sharing what I learned.  Nothing wrong with killing two birds with one stone!

So yesterday I had this very long and very fun chat with my friend Olga, a Marine I went to boot camp with and reconnected with last year or so.   It’s funny because, in boot camp I was very self focused and trying to survive.  I was also focused on the people in my very immediate vicinity,  within two people of me.  Beyond that it’s like no one else existed.  There just wasn’t a lot of time to get to know people.  But I really wish I had because she’s awesome.  But I digress.

We talked about many things last night.  Personal things, gave her a bit of advice, talked about all sorts of things.  I learned that we have similar issues with sexuality thanks to religion, and also have very flexible morals (if you can even call them morals) that are even worse when we drink.  You know what the ego does with that kind of information?  A gorgeous intelligent girl with flexible morals?  lol  And in the past, I could have said any number of things, but didn’t.  Thought some of them, sure, but didn’t actually say them.

That’s just the start.  I won’t share all the times where I was insanely well behaved, since it involves the sharing of personal information, but there is one example I can share because it was just something that could have been turned into a very fun conversation.   We were talking about serious stuff, how war affects children and the long term implications of it, along with her desire to form a PAC to study it in the future, when I said “Hey, you always have me.” (she wasn’t sure if it would ever get anywhere)  She responded with “I’d love to have you.” Let the jokes fly!  lol  But they didn’t.  I mean, I giggled, but left things alone and remained on topic.  It’s a very weird thing, like there are two parts of me, one which takes things to a bad place, and one that is amused by it, but remains on topic.

I think that it’s quite possible that I can begin to trust myself.  I know it shouldn’t be difficult, but I’ve always been a very feeling and connection oriented person.  It’s amazing I haven’t gotten myself into more trouble in my life because I just follow where I feel.  It’s made me fly around the country for girls, kiss girls without really thinking about the implications (though at times my mind does return to snap me back to reality).  I never intend to hurt people, I really don’t.  But that doesn’t really cross my mind early enough.  And when there’s a connection, it’s hard to know how to express that except through close physical contact.  For me at least.  Up to now I simply avoided any dangerous situations where I’d have to learn self control.  Hopefully this is the shift I needed so I don’t have to worry about any of those issues.  It would certainly be nice to be able to have friendships that don’t cross any moral lines, or to go on tour and hold off the groupies! (hahahaha what groupies?)

So, as a side note, I have to say that I love love love the feeling of living in spirit.  I haven’t experienced so much consistent joy as I have these past weeks.  Seriously, I had no idea.  I have no worries, no fears, just complete confidence that everything is going to work out.  I may not have solutions now, but they will be presented to me.  I get flashes of intuition all the time that end up being just what I needed.  It’s so bizarre!  Now if could just help people get to this point so they could be joyful too, but I don’t know how I got here!  lol  Oh well, I’m just going to keep being an example, hoping it’s contagious.  :-)  Am I getting annoying yet?  lol

Hairspray

I still love Hairspray!  Waaaaaay too much.  lol  We rented it the other day, watched it yesterday which was quite fun.  So once again the songs are stuck in my head, or at least the music is.  Today after work (yep, worked today) I went to Target and bought the soundtrack and jammed out on the way home.  Seriously, I cranked Hairspray and was rockin out!  lol  I’m so beyond impressed with the feel of these musicians that I just want to hug them.  I wish I had the chart so I could jam out with the cd.  I guess I’ll have to learn it the old fashioned way.  It’s high on my list though, once I start playing drums again.  The music is outstanding, fun, and feels great.  The lyrics are hilarious, but that’s secondary to the feel.  I can’t say enough about how great it feels.  So, rather than repeating it ad nauseum, I’ll just leave it at this.

Hooray for hairspray, I now have a new cd to get hyper to.  hahahaha

Disconnect between experience and expression

I do not believe in taking responsibility for someone else’s reaction.  That is not something within my control.  I do, however, believe that we are responsible for what we put into the world.  We can act in a way that helps a situation, or we can act in a way that degrades a situation.  And that is something I am responsible for and can control.  So, when two situations occur in less than 24 hours where what I experienced does not match the reactions around me, I stop to reflect for a moment.

I can see two possible reasons for this disagreement.  First, while I know I am coming from a different perspective, I may not be using words that are significantly different enough.  And since other people can’t feel what I feel, they don’t realize that my perspective is completely different than it was before.  And thus, they see me addressing something in a way that is of ego rather than spirit.  This is something I can control, and I will do my best to be aware of this as much as I can.  When I have done this in the past, I get better results and understanding.

The other explanation is that, while I’m operating from spirit, others are not.  They are operating from their ego self, and thus seeing only the surface of what I’m trying to address.  Or, another similar option is that they don’t believe that I am coming from a higher perspective, don’t allow me to grow as fast as I have, and thus assume I am still addressing things as I did a year ago.  Whatever the reason, these are things I can’t control.  These are issues that exist within someone else.

Now, the gap can be bridged.  Last night Carrie and I had a very confusing argument until we finally got to what was really wrong.  Then I could apologize for what I had done wrong, explain how I know I wasn’t coming from the place she thought I was coming from, and everything was resolved.  It took a bit of time, but I’m glad we figured it out.

I’m going to continue doing my best to live in spirit and act from it.  For the past few months I’ve become more and more attuned to my spirit and realize that I’m almost always acting from it now.  It’s a strange feeling, but good strange.  I am confident when it’s appropriate, and unsure when I know I haven’t figured things out yet.  I can’t remember ever feeling like this before.  And I can’t remember the last time I took a serious misstep, which is also amazing.  This week I’m going to try to consciously tweak my actions so they are even more in line with spirit.  Who knows what will happen?  lol

When loved ones fall

It’s so hard to watch someone fall. Someone very important to me is managing to vilify and push away all of her friends. I think it’s time for me to act. I know that if I say too much in the wrong way, she’ll only get angry and attack me. I know it’s coming, so I should be able to deflect these attacks, but I still want to minimize them. If I can slowly open her up, just a little bit, then maybe, just maybe, she can start to turn things around. And then she can heal. And after that, she can try to heal her friendships.

The problem with insightful people is that they know just how to make you feel wonderful, or how to cut you to your core. They can completely distract you from reality and bring you into their distorted world where you are the villain. And that’s not a fun world. I have asked for help from whatever guides can help me out. I’m not asking them to tell me exactly what to do, but to offer me subconscious encouragement so that I can keep my center and stay in a high level place. If I start to fall, I’ll get angry too, and then lose any chance to get her to open up. Unfortunately, this is a pretty energy intensive process, which I may not have enough energy for. Hopefully I can be inspired to say just the right thing, minimizing any missteps. And maybe this collapse can be reversed before it kills her, because it very well might literally kill her.

On a personal note, I’m realizing there is this state I enter. I don’t know if it’s what people call centered, or what. I think it’s something different. It’s a state of calm. Of love. It’s a state where I can deflect the insane attacks thrown my way, allowing me to maintain calm and clarity. So yes, I’m centered. Am I also vibrating at a higher frequency? I feel like I’m seeing things from a higher, more compassionate and divine perspective. I can see the actions are triggered by pain on the spiritual level, and needs to be addressed on that level. I don’t really know what to call it, but I know that I feel a lot of love, but also a tinge of sadness for the pain everyone is in. Unnecessary pain.  And that sadness tells me I’m not seeing this from the highest levels yet, because from that level there’s no need for sadness.  At least I don’t think there is.  Unfortunately Carrie’s asleep so I don’t have anyone to bounce this idea off of.  I could tell Gunny but I wouldn’t get an answer.

I don’t know how long this state will last, but it seems to be triggered when someone very close to me is in a bad state and I need to ’step up’ and help. It’s a very…strange feeling. Everything moves a little slower, and I try to take a little more time to process and speak. I’m sure there are shorter explanations for this, but I don’t know them. I just hope this lasts until I can deal with this issue at hand and help heal a little pain.

But for now, I better get to sleep. Maybe I can set my intention to start helping her tonight as I sleep. If I can open her up a bit in her sleep, it might make it easier in her waking hours. So much pain…why do people insist on carrying it?

Thoughts on Testing God

I’ve taken to carrying around a handy dandy notebook so I can write down any thoughts I have throughout the day. Many of the insights I have are small, but build upon each other. Writing them down allows me to remember more. Today I wrote down something I’d like to explore a bit more and see where I end up.

Growing up Lutheran I was taught to not test God. There’s a parable that amounts to someone jumping off a building and saying ‘God if you exist (or love me) then you’ll save me’ And of course, the person gets hurt or dies. Clearly I didn’t care much about the details of this story, just the lesson. I’ve been thinking about this on and off for a while. Since I don’t believe in a God that would be angry, or punish us for seeking proof, there has to be another reason. Observation points out many instances where testing God or the Universe only causes trouble. I think there are a few reasons, now that I think about it.

1. Free Will - God doesn’t interfere, in general. We can call on guardians, angels, spirits, whatever, and they can interfere when asked. And there are times when we die, but decide it isn’t time yet, so we return and miraculously avoid the accident. But that is not the situation discussed here. This is pressing for proof there is a god by putting yourself in danger. All that proves is that, if there is a God, it wouldn’t interfere. Not a good idea! lol

2. When we test someone or something, we have already allowed failure to enter into our minds. This makes failure more probably, which is also not a good thing with many of these ‘tests’.

3. But what about the times when people say, God, if you’re there, give me a sign - and then something happens. The clouds part on a cloudy and rainy day. Or a special bird or butterfly comes up to you, one that shouldn’t be where you are. Some would say that’s coincidence. But this type of request, often asked while in the depths of despair, show the power of desire. At that point, there’s no more room for failure, only success. Those that are open to receiving an answer will get one, and know in their soul it is the answer they were looking for.

I guess I’m not quite at the point of being able to fully bring this to a nice noteworthy conclusion. That’s ok. I know I’m close to something, and it’ll all start coming together before too long. It’ll be interesting to read this in the future to see what I had figured out, and when. And maybe it triggers some thoughts in others. Or it shows just how confusing my brain can be when it starts pulling in data from various areas. lol

kids

Apparently Carrie’s clock is tick tick ticking away because tonight she asked me why we couldn’t have kids now.  Let me list the reasons…money, time, health…but if I got a better job, that paid a lot more and left me with more free time, then why not?  There are still health issues to work on, and organizational things.  I want to pay up bills and save up first.  So Carrie made me promise.  One year from the day I get a new better paying job we’ll start trying.  This provides time to get our lives setup, save up money, and all that fun stuff.  I guess we’ll see what happens. I mean, I definitely want kids and don’t want to wait forever to start.  But I want to be financially stable also.  I guess I’ll come back to this post in a year or so and see what came of it.  lol