Out of my head

and into my body.  So I’ve been thinking about a few different things and starting to understand something finally.  First I was thinking about why it is that I catch myself barely breathing when engrossed in a highly intellectual task, like programming.  I finally consciously understand why.  When I’m doing that, I’m completely disconnected from my body.  My awareness is completely in my head where I’m doing all my thinking.  Thus, my body reverts to doing the bare minimum needed to keep me alive, which equals shallow breaths.  As soon as I return my attention to my body I notice it and start deeper breathing.  This is something I’m working on throughout the day.

Also, while at work I’ve been listening to tapes of my playing from back in high school.  One tape in particular is my senior jazz concert.  It was painful at times.  Granted, most of these kids had no idea what jazz was and sounded as white as they looked.   And I, for all my knowledge, sound much younger than I realized before.  Though, I may be overly critical now, considering how little I also knew.  But, the advantage of living in a small town is that you can be considered awesome when you would otherwise be just a midlevel player somewhere else.  Though, as a side though, I fully believe if I went to a powerhouse music school like New Trier I would have stepped up and been a much better player.  After all, I stepped up at camp every year surrounded by those students.

So, for a day or so I was thinking I sucked.  I can hear mistakes in the tape from Birch Creek also, which further taints my view.  But then I remember other times.  Like the year the group of kids from East St. Louis adopted me as an honorary black kid.  (I’m too tired to try to be pc right now)  I honestly don’t know what they heard from me, and I even remember wondering that at the time, but I went with it.  Hell, it was a completely new experience for me since there were only a literal handful of black people in my town, and I didn’t go to school with any until high school.  lol  So I had to have some good musical qualities for them to pay any attention to me.  And another year (or perhaps the same year, they run together) I was in one of the top combos, led by Reggie Thomas.  I was still pretty young as a drummer, but I know there were times when I did some good things.  As he said, “Jackie was Jackie’n”. (reference to a TS Monk song Jackieing) But then again, he’s also the nicest person in the world, so maybe he was being nice.  Actually, no, he was sincere.  I can’t allow my insecurities to taint what actually happened.  He was excited when he said it, and there’s no hiding that excitement that comes from a good feeling moment.

Now, the relevance here is that, when I think about what I’m playing, I suck.  My feel is off, my time gets off, my focus just isn’t where it should be.  But when I can relax and just be in the moment, I think that’s when everything clicks and everything I do feels good.  That’s when I’m “Jackie’n”.  If I want to not suck at music I have to continue working to stay in the now, stay unified, and just flow.  I need to practice, of course, so I have tools available to me to be in that moment, but this is the key.  It’s the key for life really.

At this point, it’s impossible for me to not get this message.  I’ve caught it about breathing, from aikido in multiple ways, and when thinking about music.  I am starting to believe that once I develop the discipline to stay in the now more and maintain connection with my body at least, reducing unnecessary tension and breathing, then I will have made a huge leap.  And then things will really start moving again in tangible ways.

So this is what has been slowly churning in my head.

Clarification on Indigos and age

I got a chance to talk to Gunny about why he said our friend was young.  He said that she makes young decisions, just like Carrie can.  It’s due to their stubborn streak that causes them to continue to make poor decisions even when they know they’re poor decisions.  My guess is that, as she becomes more aware (if she allows herself) her decisions will be better also.

I also got to ask him about what we refer to as Indigos.  I know there are things that we’ve screwed up with the concept, but it also seems hard to ignore the changes going on.  His answer was that there are times when generations are allowed to enter into existence with a greater level of awareness.  And that makes sense.  As to what happens with that awareness, I guess that is something we have yet to see.  I’m not saying that indigos are any better than anyone else, or more special in a way that elevates them, just that they are different in general.  But I’ve also seen people handle that poorly and probably make the world worse until they learn to awaken to who they are.  But then again, who doesn’t do that in their lifetime?

As with everything I wonder about, time will tell.  We’ll just have to see what people do with the awareness they have.  I just hope people continue to increase their awareness so we can all grow and learn.

Indigos and soul age

Maybe I misunderstood something along the way, but I thought that Indigos were supposed to be older or more mature souls.  But, according to Gunny, our Indigo friend is actually pretty young.  This is really confusing to me.  I mean, Carrie is an Indigo and also old in soul ages.  And in general it seems like Indigos are older souls.  But maybe that’s not actually a requirement.  Perhaps the role of the indigo can be filled without as much age as I expect?  I don’t really know.  It’s something I’ll have to inquire about further, though I doubt Gunny will have much of an answer.  Oh well.  In the end, it doesn’t matter much, but it’s still good to know.

Splitting consciousness or subconsciousness…late night thoughts

I’m supposed to be sleeping…of course that’s when these ideas come.

Background:  When talking to Andrea one night I described a strange feeling of being pulled up - like my consciousness was just flying away without me.  She yelled at me to pull in and ground myself because part of me was trying to go off and do who knows what.  Considering my negative state at the time, this wasn’t a good thing.

Another time, but during that same stressful time period, I was just sitting online when Andrea said she saw me projected in front of her.  Now, consciously, I wasn’t even aware of calling out to her, much less projecting.  yet there I was, in her experience.

this makes me wonder, what is the limit to our ’selves’ splitting and doing things independent of our consciousness?  Does everyone do things that the consciousness isn’t aware of?  Perhaps this is how people can end up in other people’s dreams, even though they were wide awake at the time?  Or were they really wide awake?  I mean, Carrie has shape shifted and walked around as a cat while technically awake.  Hell, I even saw that.

It seems like we can do a whole heck of a lot without realizing it.  I’m sure it isn’t all bad.  Is there a way to be aware of this though?  I mean, if part of me is wanting to lash out at someone due to frustration, how do I make sure it doesn’t actually happen?  Or is this part of the Law of Attraction that isn’t discussed because people don’t realize it’s going on?  What if, with every thought, there is a part of us literally going out and doing what we thought?  The more energy we put to these thoughts, the more it enters our consciousness until we physically do what we were thinking.  But from the initial thought, a small part of us has already gone out and done what we thought.   If that were the case…if that is the case…that’s a much larger consequence to thought.  Even if it isn’t the case, if I act as if it is the case, that makes me reconsider a lot of thoughts.  Because now there’s even more consequence to a thought.  It’s not just - this could come true if I put enough energy to it - but this has come true on some level.  I could have just harmed someone at the subtle energy level.  Or I could have harmed myself.  That certainly isn’t good!

I’m going to try to sleep now, and see if this was the message my mind was trying to receive.  If it was, then I should sleep.  If not, then it’s another night of me just lying there.  My mind isn’t racing, I just don’t sleep.  It’s odd.

Balancing the past with the future

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about raising children.  I want them to be respectful citizens, not only of the United States, but of the World.  The benefit of this being that they have a sense of connection to others, and think of the impact their actions have on others.  Of course there are other benefits too, but I think this is the biggest aspect I want my kids to understand.  So how do you raise global citizens while their physical reality is of a relatively small part of the world?

Another issue is the issue of history.  I want my children to respect and understand (as best they can) the sacrifices of the many types of warriors who have fought for the freedoms they enjoy.  This includes military veterans and civil rights activists.  But I also want them to understand that the old ways of gaining things by force or confrontation are not the only ways, or even the best ways.  However, in context things worked out the way they worked out based on what we knew at the time.

Now, my kids will definitely grow up knowing about the Marine Corps.  They’ll also grow up learning history of all kinds, hopefully teaching them to try to see the big picture when they learn about the past.  I just hope I can guide them to being openminded.  Maybe by the time that comes around I’ll have an idea to do that.

This all came up because I was thinking that it would be cool to have flags at the house.  At first I thought just a Marine Corps flag, but that felt a little odd to not have a US flag.  But I don’t want my kids to feel like the US is better than anyone else, or that US citizens are more important than citizens anywhere else.  Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a world flag?  There probably is, actually, I’ve just never seen it.  Or I’ll just make one.  But something that signifies being a world citizen, not just a citizen of a country or state or city.

I think too much sometimes.  lol

So many thoughts!

Where do I begin?  How about just a rough list, and maybe this week I can expand on them.  That’s if I ever have time to stop working!

I have a theory that’s meant just as a common sense logical theory to explain the behaviors we typically associate with the oldest, middle, and youngest child.  It has to do with the amount of time each kid has with the parents, and how much responsibility is given.  Ok, I’ll expand a bit more.  The oldest kid is the only kid that gets complete, undivided attention, at least until the next kid comes along.  This, I believe, gives the child confidence that comes from knowing they are loved, and having lots of bonding with the parents.  Then, when the child has a sibling come along, they are told many ways that they can help with the new child.  They are given responsibilities, depending upon their age.  These responsibilities start turning this first born into a leader.  This is a really quick explanation, but I believe this combination of undivided attention leading to confidence, and responsibilities leading to leadership qualities, is what produces the oldest child qualities we see in our societies.

The next child never has the undivided attention of their parents.  They probably instinctively feel a bit neglected because of this, though it isn’t conscious until they are older perhaps.  This gives them a bit less inherent confidence.  In addition, they have an older sibling who has responsibilities that they don’t have.  If the sibling cares for them at times, this may actually demean them on a subconscious level because another child is taking care of them.  Now, this sounds bad, but I’m using simple terms about complicated subconscious reactions.  I don’t really know better words, not without going into much more detail and I simply don’t have time for that.  lol

Now, the youngest child has a few other things going on.  They have more kids to fight for attention with, so this turns them into more outgoing types.  The parents are probably very busy and don’t have as much time to spend with the kid, making it easier to placate them rather than giving tough love.  And, if it’s the planned last child, they probably want to just enjoy the last kid, rather than disciplining.  And thus we end up with the baby syndrome.

Ok, this really isn’t very fleshed out.  I’m sure others can explain it a million times better, and have.  But I was amused with thinking about it one day.  I doubt I’ll even worry about it beyond this.  lol

Ok, my aikido thoughts are simply going to have to wait for another day because I’m getting tired.  But I think I understand now how aikido is not only a good spiritual discipline, it actually teaches you how the whole universe works!  But, that’s for another day. 

Brainwashing? (or, why do Marines stay Marines forever)

Carrie and I got in a bit of a disagreement the other day.  The details aren’t necessary (because it wouldn’t make much sense), but I did come to a conscious understanding finally of why Marines remain Marines forever.  It isn’t brainwashing, as some would like to believe.  I am very aware of the negative aspects of the Marine Corps, and how slow the Marine Corps can be in doing the right thing socially.  I’m also aware of our proud history and the understanding that the world would not be the same without the Marine Corps.  That’s not bravado, that’s fact.  However, that isn’t why I am proud to be a Marine.  It’s not why I choose to keep it in my life.

You see, the people that I know that keep the Marine Corps in their life do so because of how being a Marine makes them a better person.  This will be different for everyone.  For me, being a Marine inspires me to do just a little more than I would otherwise.  It motivates me to get off my lazy ass and do what needs to be done.  It is was pushes me to work when I’d rather do nothing - because that’s what a Marine does.  I choose to keep the best parts of the Marine Corps in my life, not because I was brainwashed, but because it made me a better person.  I think the reason people can’t fully leave it behind is because they know that, for better or worse, there are some definite benefits to becoming a Marine.  And that is what we hold onto.  It’s in any human’s best interest to keep those things that make them a better person.  That is what is instilled in Marines.

So maybe that isn’t so groundbreaking now that I write it out, but when it came to me the other day, it finally made sense.  Maybe for those who aren’t Marines, but who love Marines can now understand a bit more why we are the way we are.  I doesn’t explain everything, that’s for sure.  But it hopefully sheds a little light on the mysterious heart of the United States Marine.

I love mice!

Mice are the cutest darn critters!  They are adorable, and they are fun to let crawl on you.  It’s such a simple pleasure, and I think Carrie and I both needed that right now.  This was the best $40 investment!  Far better than movies or eating out.  And it’s hilarious to watch the cats try to figure things out.  Rhett was in the exercise ball and chased blas - she didn’t know what to think!  hahaha

Our next goal is to make them a little house.  I have lots of small boxes in the car, that will do for now.  It can get cold with the AC on, and we don’t want them to get too cold.  They have bedding to burrow under, but I think being out of the wind a bit more would be good too.  Plus, who doesn’t like a little privacy.
So I’m totally converted.  At this rate I’d probably agree to some rats too.  But I don’t think I want a guinea pig or hamster.  I like smart animals, and mice and rats are definitely smarter.  So hooray for Rhett and Scarlett and their simple ability to amuse us. 

Ascension

It’s getting late, so I better post and head to bed.  During Carrie’s weeklong cleanse, she went through an ascension.  What is an ascension?  Honestly, we’re not sure either.  The best explanation I have is that you are raising your level of consciousness.  It means you can see things more clearly, understanding more, and hopefully live in a more loving place rather than the power play crap of the normal world.  Anyway, I think this was her first one, but she’s set for another by the end of the year, which is one she has to voluntarily do.  This one was more of a trust your guide kind of situation.  But the next one she has to figure out or something.

So I had to ask, when do I get to do my ascension?  Apparently I already did one.  When did this happen?  What did I learn?  lol  I have a feeling I know when, but who knows?  And then, when do I have the next one?  I know I have so much more to learn, and I don’t feel that I see situations clearly at all.  Maybe come January or so, when I will hopefully ease up on my work schedule.  Hell, by then I have to have improved my time management or I will have lost my mind I think.  lol

Well, this wasn’t very exciting, but I needed to note it.  I think that once I do learn to balance things, and get work done when I have the free time, rather than relaxing so much, I’ll do better anyway.  Hell, I haven’t studied any of my aikido yet, and I’m supposed to test in one or two weeks!  I don’t know the japanese at all, and that is bad.  I’m going to have to work on that while at my other job or something.  We’ll see.

So for now, it’s time for bed.  Sleep is very important.  I got at least 12 hours last night and it was wonderful!  Tomorrow is aikido, and I want to get there early to try to practice and review for my test.  Plus I haven’t practice Jogi 1 (the first jo form) in a while.  Maybe we’ll learn the first sword form this week.  We tried 2 weeks ago but no one could remember it enough.  lol  It’s amazing how calming it is to work with a weapon.  Doing sword cuts completely removes frustration as I have to focus.  It’s a great meditation of motion.  Ok, now I’m just going to start rambling.  Bed time!

Mice!

We have mice.  They are cute and adorable little girls, name Rhett and Scarlett.  Carrie just got so happy seeing them all at Petsmart, and when we realized we could get all the supplies and the mice for $35 or less, how could I say no?  Plus, I told her that if she would make this final step to truly give up smoking for her sake, rather than for everyone else, she could totally afford them.  So, we got two mice, a cage that comes with a wheel, the water thing, a platform and ramp, and a food dish (which wasn’t in the box), their food, bedding and an exercise ball for less than $40.  They are fun to watch, haven’t bitten us yet, and even the cats are behaving with them.

I’ll take pictures at some point, but I’d rather let them chill out for a while.  They really like the exercise wheel, and monkey is having fun watching them.  It’s a win win situation so far!

What’s funny is we also went to gamestop to trade in video games.  Ended up with $163 in store credit, so we bought a few things.  But, the mice are more fun than the video games.  lol  However, we did get a charging station for the wii remotes, so we save on batteries.  We also got wii play, which has a shooting game, table tennis, pool, all sorts of fun.  :-)  And we got the strat guide for zelda and the phantom hourglass, which we’re slowly playing.  Hehe

Well now that there is entertainment, I better get to work.  Lots to do!  I’ll be blogging later on ascensions.  But work and supper come first.