Disconnected

I feel overwhelmed.  The house is a mess, I’m trying to get meditation lessons written, contract assignments done, and do my own exercises.  But I really think I need to just get out in nature and relax and reconnect.  This is one of those times when I really hate living in this apartment complex.  I can go outside, but it doesn’t feel like ‘home’.  I want someplace with privacy, and grass and trees and rocks.  There are lots of random places in Austin, but I’m not familiar with which ones are close and free.  Plus, I want to take Carrie with me but she’s so exhausted from doing something the other day that I don’t know if she could make it there and back.

I’ll have to improvise a bit, and be willing to go out on my own probably for a short while.  Maybe all I need to do is sit outside on our porch and try to breathe and relax.  At night it’s quite private since it’s dark.  It’s worked in the past, so hopefully it will work again.

The other thing that will help is for me to figure out how to pay my rent.  All those jobs won’t be paying much until next month, which is too late to not get evicted.  And unfortunately, we don’t have many things worth much to sell.  Just doesn’t seem like people are buying much in the way of exercise stuff lately.  And we don’t want to sell our guitars, and I’m definitely not selling my drums.  We might pawn them if we have to, but I’m waiting until that’s the last option.  I figure, winning a small lottery is the best way to go at this point.  lol  I actually don’t want to win too much as I don’t feel I can handle it responsibly yet.  I figure that’s why we’re still having money trouble.  As soon as we (or I) can handle it, it’ll come.  So it’s a slow process right now while I get my stuff in line.  But it’ll get there.  I’ll learn how to manage my discipline problems better.  In fact, I think I’m going to write down some priorities and some rules for myself.  Maybe if they’re in writing it’ll be easier to follow.

But first, I need to cook some food. 

Last night’s dream – Ash

had a strange dream last night.  I was in an airport, waiting for a flight with some other people I knew.  While we waited, the head person was handing back exams and journals, which seemed to be for a flight class.  The last two we me and my cousin Jenny, both of us wanting to be pilots in real life too.  The teacher gave my cousin’s stuff to Stacey Scheid, who we went to grade school with.  I explained to her that, unless she sees her soon, I’ll be seeing her first and can give it to her.  Then, people start to leave, those that got their tests first.  I try to talk to another guy and ask if I can go.  It looks like he’s going to say yes, and then says I don’t have the right training or something.  That left me not so happy.

So that part is done, and I notice my best friend is sitting across the way.  I go over to her and try to figure out why she’s there.  She said she wanted to surprise me.  But I’m waiting for my flight, so I feel like this is cool but silly because we don’t have much time.  Then, the weird part.  I call over another person with the same name to meet her.  But I’m thinking back and it feels like they’re the same person.  I introduced Ash to herself?  Though in a sense that’s what I have done throughout the years I’ve known her.  So, Ash and I are hanging out when eventually someone realizes that our flight was changed, but no one told us.  Now everyone is scrambling to figure out what is going on.  I walk around the airport with ash, arm in arm or shoulder to shoulder.  There’s a lot of friend hugging because it’s been so long since we got to hang out in the same physical space.  In the end I don’t think we ever really resolve the flight situation.

Another jump and I’m now with a family.  It feels like I’m part of one of those reality shows where they makeover the house or something.  But I’m walking all around their house, inside and out.  It’s a really neat house, as is the one next door.  Very large, with lots of huge shade trees.  But when I go in the backyard, all those trees are gone, and it’s quite bright.  It feels…boring.  I notice there are some trees, but most are small, or they’re disproportionately large but don’t spread like a good shade tree.  So it’s quite strange to me.

There was also a part with flying in a small plane, but it was so weird I can’t make sense of it to write up eve.  Funny how our brain does that.