This week has been emotional, and I don’t know why really. But I’ve found myself able to cry more easily than ever before. I don’t view this as a positive thing, especially while driving down 183. So, perhaps I should start there.
Carrie and I have been discussing relationship issues. They are mostly her issues, and not mine, though I will absolutely own up to my own lack of interaction and connection due to stress and other responsibilities. I haven’t put her first nearly enough, unless she was sick. And that is not fair to her. But all of these discussions happened last weekend. So when, out of the blue, I was feeling very sad and unable to listen to any songs because it made me feel like she was leaving me, I was surprised.
But, I also realize that I can’t run from this, so I decided to try to figure things out and get my head on straight. I looked at any fears I could have. If Carrie left, what would happen? I would get a smaller and more important, cheaper apartment. We’d have to divide up belongings. That would suck, but we could do it without any real issues. So that’s not a huge deal. What about the cats? Well, now that is complicated. I would think she should take monkey, as he is her cat. But is it right to separate the cats? I guess that would be a bit complicated. What about dating? I know I would eventually date. Hell, I even ran through people in my mind for possibilities. But it just didn’t feel the same.
So, after looking at things from a few different angles, I know fully that I would be ok if she left. It would take some time to heal and learn to live a bit differently, but I would be ok. Therefore, there isn’t fear that my world would fall apart, leaving me a homeless alcoholic. But, and this is the key, I do not want that. I choose to be with Carrie. I love her, and I choose to build a life with her, as difficult as it has been over the years. That doesn’t matter, I still choose to be with her. I could have another life, but I don’t want it. Carrie thought I was here only because it was comfortable. Now I believe she understands that I choose this. I don’t want to be anywhere else except our life together.
And that, I believe, is why many of these conflicts arise. Perhaps we get complacent, and forget that we choose this life. So, life says “Wake up!” and we have to look at it all again. And then we choose once again, strengthening that connection and life. We create it anew, adding new fresh energy to the process. That is why we stagnate - we don’t add anything new to the creation. Yet, how often is it still what we want? Probably a lot, we just forget that we need to add some freshness to it. It’s like air, or water. It’s not nearly as enjoyable if it’s not refreshed. It may be adequate, but not enjoyable. And life is meant to be enjoyed.
29 July 2007 at 14:20
When we genuinely feel in our hearts, that our relationship is not worth having, we don’t even think it’s worth fighting over or in discussing. Simply having a discussion, expressed how very much value, you each give to the relationship you share with one another.
It’s not what Carrie provides, in terms of things, you couldn’t live without. It’s Carrie, her very Being, that you find joy and companionship with. Whether she’s sick or healthy. Rich or poor. You Love Carrie and the joy that she brings, sharing her life with you.
You’ve been busy, with tremendous responsibilities and dealing with your own issues, at the same tiome as Carrie has been going through a very rough period. As well as tired of being sick, I bet Carrie has been bored, too. I bet she’s not used to the inactivity and is used to pursuing her own dreams, too.
And you’re right, it’s the potholes in our relationships that create the glue that holds the relationship together through the years. We have to give meaning to what we have created, when individual rifts come up from time to time.
Exactly as you did.
29 July 2007 at 14:52
I wonder…right now, I come to these realizations afterwards. Does there come a point, a mastery level, where I will see this in the moment, thus diffusing the situation before it explodes? I understand the value of the bomb, but there seems to be no need for the actual explosion. After all, being near a bomb when it goes off should make you appreciate what you have just as much as having to diffuse the bomb yourself.
29 July 2007 at 16:06
The explosions quite often leave us feeling drained. When we’d really rather used the energy for something else, something a lot more fun.
Our issues are very deep wounds and we’ve all been trained and programmed to respond like a 3 headed dog guarding the gates of hell anytime anyone gets close to any one of these issues. So it takes someone who loves us deeply and sincerely to help us with them and through them.
Whatever issue it is that is ours, it is a challenge for us, even though the same issue may not be a challenge for others. This is how we help each other deal with these issues. In Gratitude that we all don’t have the same issue at the same time. That would be like eveyone getting sick all at the same time. We all might catch a certain flu but we usually don’t all catch it at once. I hold the bucket for you and then you can hold it for me, when it comes my turn.
My Husband is the explosive type, too. One of the things I have found is that whatever he says, I say ‘I understand’. First off, I communicate lack of argument with him. After I’ve communicated that, therefore haven’t triggered any defenses on his part, I go on to add….. I add. I avoid ‘take aways’ for reasons of explosive tempers.
It’s like walking through a mine field with hidden triggers. You can tiptoe as lightly as you can and still end up setting off explosions. When you find you are both re-acting in defense of what the other said they thought you said, then it’s time to go to seperate corners, because everyone is caught up reacting to ghosts of the past and no one is ‘here’ in the now.
Most important, talk about shared values, for we all have tempers and we all throw fits now and then under duress.
Talk about having Compassion with each other. If you both weren’t of strong will, you wouldn’t be so attractive to each other and you each know it. I bet neither one of you like ’spineless’ or ‘wishywashy’ people.
And you’re both human, with human imperfections you’re doing your best learning to love, in the face of a World who taught you not to love these things about ourselves.
You’re both Courageous.
Love yourself when you do get angry. Accept ‘angry’. It is simply an experience. Mayge it’s an experience you have had some judgments about having and experiencing? Maybe Carrrie, as someone who loves you deeply and devotely, has volunteered to bring you the opportunity to accept this part about yourself, that is equally true and a part of the rest of us, too?
Compassion, for being in the heat of Passion, for that is what it was, no matter that it expressed itself as ‘angry’. Passion for Life, that’s what you each share with each other.
And what neither one of you have had much of lately, to share with the other. Take a deep look and see…
if it’s this lack of Passion for Life shared, through any kind of expression, that you both have been missing from your lives lately. And your anger covering up how very much it hurts, living without it.