Evaluations

Yesterday I picked up my evaluations from teaching conceptual physics this spring.  Holy crap!  What’s interesting is that, the class that I thought did better, that I was more relaxed with and got around to more people to help gave me the worse evaluations.  What?!  Now, a lot of the complaints were with the lab manual, which I also hate.  The format was very difficult to work with, especially when written so poorly.  So it looks like a lot of that frustration was reflected in the evaluations.

There were some very valid complaints, though I have an ‘excuse’ or explanation for each of them.  I wasn’t able to prepare very well for this class since I only learned I was teaching it a week before hand.  Also, since I was taking a class myself, trying to get research done, and dealing with my wife’s ever increasing seizure problem, there wasn’t enough time to prepare.  This was by far the most testing semester I’ve ever had on a personal level, and that meant the kids got the short end of the stick.  They are absolutely right to say the class wasn’t as organized as well as it could have been.  However, I don’t know that they have realistic expectations of what this course can be with a brand new AI who had never seen the course before that week.  So I take that with a grain of salt.

I also realize I can be intimidating and impatient.  A lot of this was worse because I wasn’t sleeping much this semester, being up late at night with Carrie as she was seizing more times than I can count.  And that translates into a grumpy little Marine!  It’s something I’m working on, but hey, I’m still learning too.  It’s something to work on, but I also know I did the very best I could and still went beyond what was required to help them out.  Whether they believe it or not is irrelevant, I know I did my best.

One person said I had favorites which made it hard to ask questions.  I think this is a bit of a copout.  Perhaps there were some people who managed to suck me into discussion without my realizing it (again with the lack of sleep), but that shouldn’t stop you from coming over and getting my attention.  I always respond when someone has a question, immediately if I’m not in the middle of another question.  That’s a lesson in assertiveness that everyone has to learn.  And since I know I respond when students ask, it’s not like asking someone who still ignores you.  So while I could have tried to walk around a bit more (which was difficult in the crowded classroom), the students are also responsible when they have a question.  But, I will try to keep in mind to move around more and talk to people more.  But, many of the other students rarely said anything anyway, so when that happens I tend to focus more on those who tend to have questions.  It just makes better sense to me.

So, is that enough of an excuse session?  I know I need to work on softening a bit.  I haven’t learned to be assertive yet kind, or at least not so intimidating yet.  That’s pretty damn hard!  But I think as I learn to integrate both sides of myself I can do it.  Right now it’s basically going from one version of me to the other, and since they don’t mix, I can only be one or the other.  Hopefully in the coming months that will greatly improve.

You know, teaching is a very good way to test your spiritual development!  lol

Pledge

Last night, I made a pledge to someone.

I wasn’t anticipating this happening, yet it felt like the absolute right thing to do.  I don’t often make pledges.  I offer assistance in a rather informal way, or I’ll even promise to help someone.  But this was different.  Perhaps because it was a two way pledge, to offer assistance to the other in the event certain things that have been forseen come to pass.  Perhaps because this is about more than just talking about things and will involve action.  Maybe it just tapped into the Marine in me which resonates deeper than simply helping someone with some personal problems.  In any case, it feels very real and very deep.

I feel like I’m heading towards something completely unanticipated that I can’t see.  It doesn’t negate anything else I’m heading towards, just that this is going to be a short detour at some point.  But, it seems to be pretty far in the future, so I’m not going to try to figure it out too much and just see what comes.  I have immediate things to create first.

Tammy’s Question

I just read Tammy’s blog, where she closes with a question.

when one cannot find courage within, where does one go to find it?

Personally, I think when we have lost connection with our own courage it’s important to find it elsewhere.  Find someone else who inspires you.  That reawakens the courage within you until you don’t need to look outside of yourself for strength and courage.  I think we all have moments occasionally where we get lost in other things and lose connection with ourself.  The great thing is that if we look for that outside, it will resonate with what is inside.  It’s the law of attraction, just in a slightly different direction.

This is actually how I came to realize I needed to do music.  It’s how I am reminded of many things now.  As long as I don’t rely on the outside I think it’s a positive way to use the world around us.

Just a thought

A gift

This morning, I sat down at my computer like normal.  Then, out of the corner of my eye I noticed something unexpected.  There was a $20 bill semifolded and partially under my camera.  This was definitely not there last night, as Carrie picked up the camera last night.

I laughed, and said thank you.  I did have to wonder if maybe it would happen every morning, like manna to the Isrealites, but then I wondered if that was greedy.  So, I decided to stop thinking about it.  lol  This is the second time this has happened in this way.  The first time I ‘found’ four quarters stacked inside a washing machine while I was doing laundry.  I think this tends to happen when I need a reminder that I don’t have to understand where money will come from, the universe can provide without any physical earth source at all.

In other news, last night Carrie said I actually didn’t sleep at all.  I would insist on her holding me and rubbing my head.  What’s funny is I have no recollection of this at all.  This morning when I did wake up a bit she tried to do it then and I pushed her away because it’s hard to sleep when she does that when I’m already awake.  We don’t know what was going on with me.

The Gunny did say that we came back from the gathering a little dirty.  We’re good now and the house is clean, but Kendra and Chuckma had some work to do.  He said “The Indian is here”, but Carrie couldn’t see him.  Apparently most people can’t.  But, it’s interesting to have an independent verification of his existence.

What also is odd is that Carrie and I are both having wierd dreams, all of which are darker in nature.  Granted, that statement is relative to what our dreams are normally like, so it means different things to each of us.  I’m also finding it hard to remember much of my dreams.  What’s wierd is I feel like there is a change inside me, but one I can’t express.  I don’t know if it’s positive or negative.  It makes conversation awkward when people ask about the gathering because I don’t know what to say.  Maybe it’ll make sense in the future.  But, I have noticed an increase in creativity and poetry again so it’s not all bad. 

I guess time will have to tell with all of this.

sleep

I am exhausted and I have no idea why.  Yesterday I wasn’t able to ever really wake up and finally decided to go to bed at 10:30, which is pretty early for me.  Even after 9 hours of sleep I didn’t want to wake up.  I still am not very clear in my thinking or feeling very awake.  I don’t know if it’s the last week finally catching up with me.  Perhaps it’s the lack of all the energy present this weekend.  Yet I did get plenty of sleep most while camping, in spite of the heat, so I really don’t know.

I wish I could just take a nap right now.  Instead I’m going to try to read some of Eldest which arrived yesterday.  I might also write a little.  Last night I wrote a few poems of a sort in my new notebook.  Hopefully after lunch I’ll be able to start thinking about my thesis, but right now I just don’t have the brainpower.

Sensing

To get back to things we did at the gathering, let’s talk sensing.

We started with sensing our partner’s energy by bringing our hands down to their hands until we felt sponginess.  I had a hard time getting that spongy feeling, though I could feel heat even a foot and a half away since I was working with Angelus.  Then we made a circle facing outward.  A person in the center would walk quietly and you were to raise your hand when you felt them moving toward you.
The first time I didn’t notice anything , mostly because I wasn’t ready yet.  When the next time came around I started to feel it, but I wasn’t sure.  Then Tir switched out with Andrea and I could sense her better.  However I still wasn’t completely sure until she touched me.

The next exercise was to close our eyes, then everyone moved around for a few seconds and then you had to find someone.  What was funny is, when people moved I could sense quite a few, and I even started to get some visual with it, or hot spots.  Then they stopped moving and I had nothing at all.  I mean, absolutely nothing, not even when I was standing right next to Angelus.

I talked to Carrie later and she said she knew I wouldn’t be able to do it.  She said that I’m too connected to everything, especially trees and bugs and such.  I tend to view all life as relatively equal to the point where I avoid killing mosquitos.  I don’t know how to distinguish between different energies, so they all feel the same.  It’s like being placed in a blinding light - you can’t distinguish anything.  Unfortunately she wasn’t able to tell me this ahead of time.  I did come up with the idea to disconnect from the earth first and then try to activate my third eye, but it wasn’t enough.  But I didn’t get too discouraged because I could sense when people moved.

The last exercise involved each group getting a rock which was then hidden.  I couldn’t get a sense for the rock and couldn’t find it at all.  Basically it was like walking blind.  But, I know that if I were in my house I would do a lot better.  I need to practice more, but at least I have improved some and now know more specifically what to work on.

Being God

Sue Ann reminded me to grab hold of my god-ness with regard to this job hunt thing.  Today I was frustrated because I followed up with people and became frustrated at the lack of answers.  However, it solidified my resolve.  I know that I’m smart, intelligent, and willing to learn.  And I know I have a lot to offer a company who is willing to give me a shot.  So, I’m grabbing my god-ness.

I set my intention to get a job.  No more dicking around, I’m going to find a geotechnical or environmental job.  Something hands on where I can work my way up and do something damn cool.  So, I was going down the list of all the environmental companies in austin.  Then I stumble upon something I hadn’t seen on career builder.  The company is ECS, a construction and environmental consulting firm with a testing position open.  I wrote a solid cover letter, read it to Carrie so she could tweak the wording, and kept my energy in a good place.  And even before I sent it I took a moment to breathe and relax.  I’m going to get an interview.  I’m going to be careful about my language so I don’t block anything.  This is going to work.  I’m not going to worry about what happens if it doesn’t, I’m simply going to make it happen so none of those fears matter.  It works out, and it works out soon.

A future purpose

We were talking on the drive home today and I realized something that would be great for myself and Carrie to do as a side project.  I want to have a teen/pre-teen drop in center.  There will be basic rules of respect, but otherwise anyone is allowed to come.  Create a safe space for them where they can start to learn about themselves.  For instance, there could be unofficial classes in self defense, meditation of various types, informal counseling - basically a lot of the introductory things covered in Jedi training.  For those who find they want more, we can give them more.  For those who find just a little direction useful, we can provide that.  For those who simply need a safe place away from the chaos of home, we can provide that.  We’d like to also allow those who need a safe place to stay overnight until a foster placement can be found.  Too many kids are in bad situations at home that could really use a respite so they can focus on their education and such.  We want to help with that.

When I think of this, it feels good.  The thing is, I don’t have the skills necessarily to run a martial arts school.  Besides, I wouldn’t want to focus on any one thing.  We can run informal music classes.  Take on a few kids as interns in the recording studio for those who show the dedication.  For those who find a higher calling as a peaceful warrior or Jedi, I can help with that.  For those who have active psychic abilities but no idea what to do with it, they can find guidance.  For those young queers who are confused and don’t get support, we can provide it.  And we will live by example, the best teacher of all.

But yes, I do realize I won’t be doing all of this, and we will need a good staff, but I’d love for this to be how I give back to the world.  Helping teenagers get their stuff together impacts the rest of the world in so many different ways.  When you combine that with Ash and I reinventing riot grrl music, recording other artists, and being a Jedi, a lot of good can be done in this lifetime.  Lol, aren’t I the little multi-tasker?!  In any case, I think this is something I can pull off and is something I would love to do.  Now it is put out there in the universe as a conscious intention.  I look forward to seeing it manifest.

Lessons from myself

Sometimes it’s very useful to go back to things you wrote in the past and see them in a new light.  I’m actually not going to go into what I’m taking from them now, but I’m simply sharing a few to see what connections people make on their own based on who I am now and who I was then.  These are all on my old geocities site for the curious.

Hidden Power

The prism hangs
from one lonely nail
in the window
on a rainy day.
I remember a day
when the sun shone
through the carefully
shaped glass;
when hundreds of tiny
rainbows scattered across
my room.
I stared at those
rainbows and became
lost in my thoughts.
I think of the past
and I think of the future,
things done and things
yet to be done.
Now I look at the
empty piece of glass
No rainbows.
No dreams.
But tomorrow clouds
will give way to
sunshine,
creating more rainbows
and more dreams.

Jackie Meyer, © 1994

Me

Don’t you see
Me?
I can feel
I can love
I can cry
I can hurt
I can hate
I can hear
I know you don’t see
me
Why?

Jackie Meyer, copyright 1996

The Fall

I used to be the smart one
who always had the answer
the one who the smart respected
and the slow despised

I used to be the tough one
with super woman strength
Tough as nails emotions
invincible

I used to be the confident one
knew where I was going
how to get there
I could not fail

I used to know who I was
but my mind does not agree
I no longer know myself
I have fallen.

Jackie Meyer, © 1997

Reborn

Baby Steps
moving slowly
towards who
I want
to be
lessons learned
skills mastered
a Child
in my
Adulthood
knowing
so little
about
Myself
but learning
so much
daily
How old
will I be
Tomorrow?

copyright 2001, Jackie Meyer

The trip

A lot of this isn’t consciously processed, so this might be a bit discombobulated for a few days.  We left on Wednesday for New Orleans, staying overnight at Sam Houston Jones State Park in Louisiana.  The cabins were decent enough and we enjoyed making a campfire so we could have some smores.  That night I had an interesting new visual.  I was trying to sleep, basically lying down and breathing when I ’saw’ what appeared to be a butterfly like creature in the distance.  The wings were colorful, though I can’t remember specifically what colors.  Then it reversed it’s wing motion so it could land, and it was also somewhat human shaped.  But the wings weren’t anything I can easily describe.  Once landed, there was another ‘being’ to it’s left, and perhaps another that appeared in front of it, but facing the other two.  Then my mind kicked in too much.  It all happened a decent amount away, perhaps a football field away.  This is the first time I’ve ’seen’ something with some color.  So that was interesting.