We have a dr appointment at 10:15 tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, that’s during the class I teach. Hopefully my friend Katie can cover for me and at the least give them their exam. But at this point, if I have to cancel the class, I will. This is far too important.
In order to comfort myself, I listened to Ellis and Sarah Mclachlan today. Except that made me cry. I’m fighting back tears all day, and it sucks. I’m fighting a battle that I can’t even define, so I just keep fighting blindly. I’m doing my best to stay strong, and not give in to my greatest fears. Logic helps only a bit in this battle. Faith has to do the rest of the work.
On the plus side, I’ve realized that doing simple exercises after a seizure event greatly improves Carrie’s brain function. First we go through the alphabet. Then we identify letters. We also count and do simple arithmetic. After a half hour or so, she’s doing quite a bit better and is able to read words much quicker, without needing to sound them out. For now, this is our victory. I don’t know how to stop the seizures. I don’t know how to stop them once they start. And I don’t know how to help with bigger memories because you never know where to start. But at least this gets her reading and comprehending words.
It’s amazing how fast I went from ok to angry this weekend. I thought we had turned a corner, and when she hadn’t, I became angry. Now I fluctuate between scared, worried, and angry. There’s just no room in my heart for anyone or anything else right now. Today 30 people were shot at Virginia Tech, and I feel nothing. I can’t, because I have nothing to give to the outside world. All of my energy has to remain here, with Carrie.
So to my friends, I’m sorry I won’t be so interactive for a bit. I have to stick to the bare minimum of my responsibilities until we get past these seizures. I’m not abandoning anything, but need to ration my time and energy.
As a side note, while my guides are awesome protectors, I really don’t feel like I can go to them for comfort. I just don’t see men that way. Tonight I hope to do a meditation and just spend time in my safe space, hopefully regrouping and finding some wisdom regarding this situation.
