New understanding

It’s funny, I think Carrie told me this before, but it had new meaning yesterday. She mentioned that my grandfather had ‘the gift’. She knew it from the moment she met him. My mom told her that he used to tell people who had been at their house while they were gone on vacation for instance. Grandma would say he couldn’t know that, but he was always right. Carrie says my mom has the gift too, but doesn’t realize it.
Honestly, I didn’t really know my grandpa well. I spent time over there, but was too shy to really talk to him. Besides, my grandma talks a lot, so it takes effort to get a word in anyway. I wish he had lived a little longer so I could ask him about this stuff, but it’s ok.

What’s interesting is how this information changes my perspective some. To know that some abilities run in my family, it makes me feel like I have natural abilities too, even if it’s hard to find them most days. I don’t think it should matter, honestly, because I think everyone has the ability to awaken their intuition and greater awareness, but it does. My logical mind is still so strong, that anything I can do to convince it to relax and go along with things, the better. So, logically, if other people in my family have gifts, I should too. Of course, I know I do, or at least I’ve been told as much. But every little bit helps.

On another note, I’ve been exploring the teachings of Michael, another group of non-physical entities. The teachings are focused on the souls journey, and it’s quite fascinating. There is a lot of information on the website, and I’ll eventually see about finding a book or two. So far, I think I’m a mature to old soul artisan. I have elements of other roles, but artisan seems to resonate the most with me. I’ll update this more as I learn more. But now, back to my thesis.

Symbols

I forgot to mention that on friday, I was doing deep breathing on the way home from school. As happens a lot of times, there was a moving light pattern that I could see with my eyes closed. It reminds me of an interference pattern as shown here. The difference is that this pattern moves. the center dot will get smaller and smaller, as if moving into the distance, and it isn’t red in my vision.

Friday was different though. As the center got smaller, a shape developed. First it was a cross, which was odd. Then, a pentagram. It went back and forth a bit, and then there was a heart. I have no idea what these symbols mean. Perhaps nothing. But, I do know it marks the first time random symbols have come into my awareness in this manner so that’s pretty interesting.

Military dreams

This makes 2 days in a row where my dreams were military related.

Yesterday it involved meeting with people who were getting together after years of being out of the military.  I remember being frustrated, because we looked horrible.  I even remember saying “We looked better on our first day of boot camp!”  I honestly don’t know what the place was about.  I know we spent time on bleachers, and that’s where I talked to a few people.  Then I separated from the group and was walking outside.  I met a woman who I didn’t know, but was drawn to.  She was tall, and I thought she was a basketball player.  We talked a little bit, and she led me behind a tree or something, the key being that we couldn’t be seen.  And then she kissed me.  Talk about random!

Today wasn’t nearly as fun.  lol  We were at war, battling at some strange site.  Everyone spent some time getting settled in.  And througout the dream it kept changing settings from inside a house or building, to out in the streets.  The only thing ‘constant’ was the location of the people.   During this first battle, we ended up running low on ammo.  The machine guns were getting jammed, and most people on both sides weren’t fighting anymore.  That pissed me off, so I started scrambling around for more ammo and people to help.  I remember screaming we needed backup a few times.  I got the machine gun to fire eventually, though it was really delayed.  I also remember at some point the enemy was breaking through the lines, but they didn’t know I was still alive.  I took out some with the machine gun, and I think the person who came across left, which was good because I didn’t have ammo for my rifle.  I did find ammo by scrounging though.

Throughout this, I remember being frustrated, because people weren’t fighting.  So afterwards I snagged a pistol, another rifle I think, and a bunch of ammo.  Then, there is another battle, in a similar location.  But this time, it’s back to my old dreams, where I shoot them and it doesn’t affect them at all.  We’re talking point blank to the head and nothing happens.  So even though the setting is the same, the outcome is completely different.  Everyone else is fighting.  I can’t find my rifle for anything.  I think I find it, and then it turns out to be something else.  I just keep crawling around trying to find a rifle to protect myself with.  I also no longer have the pistol either.  This is incredibly frustrating because I went from having lots of weapons to none.  And when I do get a weapon, I can’t kill the enemy anyway.

A few other random things happened.  I’m with a unit, in the woods, and end up turning back with I think Heather Mike, someone from high school, and we have this horse.  I think wierd things happened, but it was all so random I can’t remember.  I also spent some time at my parents house, along the back lot line as it looked 15 years ago, perhaps.  Very odd.

Henry

My neighbor Henry has been MIA lately, which is unusual for him.  Today his ex-wife told me he’s in the hospital.  He started feeling off the other day, and finally went to the doctor.  Yesterday he had a quadrupal bypass surgery.  Apparently he hasn’t come around yet, but they’re not very worried.  At least he has blood flow again, and his legs are a normal size.

For now, all we can do is wait for him to get out of ICU.  Since we’re not family, they won’t let us back there.  And there’s no way to argue that two very white people are related to latinos.  lol  Hopefully this is what he needed to feel better and cut back on his drinking.  I just wish I knew sooner.  But his family is around and taking care of him, so I’m sure he’ll be fine in the end.   And he’s a Marine, he’ll fight to get better. 

For Carrie’s family and friends - A rant

*I had to rant, so I posted this on myspace. I can’t afford to accidentally snap at Carrie.*

For everyone who knows Carrie, I feel the need to explain just how bad she is, because I can’t handle people trying to take more from her when she doesn’t have it to give.

Carrie is having multiple seizures daily. These seizures cause her to forget many things. She loses years of her life, can’t remember where she lives, or what her cat’s names are. More disturbing in some ways is that she can’t remember how to read. It takes her a minute or more to get through the alphabet, and she forgets letters. It takes a few times through to get it right, and she’s still thinking about every letter. Can you imagine being 25 years old and not remembering what a letter looks like, much less how to read?

Or, ask her what 1 plus 1 is. Her response? What does plus mean?

So I’m asking, all of you who love her and care for her, please don’t take from her. She does not have real support from people who should be giving it to her.  Well fuck them all, because I see her every day. I know how she reacts to a seizure, and I know what happens to her. I’m the one who helps her remember her alphabet and basic arithmetic. And I do it gladly. But I do not have to allow other people to screw her over. It’s my job to protect her.

I’m sure she’d appreciate anyone who can give her an honest ear to listen. But don’t expect it to be the same Carrie you know. It’s not. She’s in there somewhere, but she’s also very different.

Carrie has always been there when her friends needed her. I’m asking you to be her friend now. If she can’t talk to you, don’t take it personally. Many times in the day she is incapable of talking or comprehending much language. It has nothing to do with you. And if she takes the time to reach out to you, do what you can to be there for her. She doesn’t feel like there are many people in the world who give a damn about her right now.

And even though her memory is being reset many times a day, rest assured, mine is not. My patience is wearing thin for people who are only using her for their needs. Please don’t piss me off like others have, because I will not be so quick to forgive right now. Right or wrong, it’s simply where I’m at. This is Jax, in Marine attack dog mode. Don’t fuck her over.

Thank you for those who have supported her. It’s beyond appreciated.

Final Mix

Tonight was final mixdown of one of the tracks we recorded last week in class.  I chose the first minute of the first song.  Carrie was supposed to be there too, but too many seizures had her out for the count.  So I had the studio to myself, which was awesome!  I could do what I wanted, not that I had tons of ideas, but I didn’t have to argue or compromise.

The first thing I did was throw the drums on bus 1 and 2, to remember how to do it.  I never actually needed it, but it was a good reminder.  Then I spent the rest of the time trying to fix the bass sound that some brilliant jackass did.  To try to explain, they did a modified instrumental version of Santaria, so it’s pretty mellow.  But they had the pre-am too hot on the bass, so it’s overdriven.  Not quite distorted, but way too harsh for the tone of the song.  So, I tried to cut 1.5 k, which is in the vacinity of the string sound, but it was still too harsh.  Then, I eventually found a setting on the effects processor that fattens the sound, and I could live with that.  A bit of tweaking with the headphones on to get a realistic bass sound (the room is super bassy), and I was relatively happy.  The other thing I did was take out about 5 seconds of piano where Trey did something silly.  But you don’t honestly notice it being gone, and it’s a big distraction if it’s in there.  But hell, for one take, it was pretty darn good.

In two weeks we’ll listen to everyone’s mixes.  I’m sure people will add beats and shit, but that’s not what I’m into.  My mix may not be fancy, but hopefully they’ll say the bass sounds good.  :-)  I’m also glad that I was right about the bass being too hot when we recorded.  The guys may not have listened to me, but I was right.  Another good note is that Tim is giving Carrie an incomplete so she can come in when her meds work and do her own mixdown and stuff.  This will allow her to get a feel for things, and without the pressure of other people in the room.  I’m hoping by then she’ll be ready to start audio 2 also.  We can wait until the fall if necessary, so we’ll see.

I’m going to ask Tim about the local studios around here, and how to go about finding an internship type experience with what I know now.  Lately all my dreams are music related, and all the science jobs are falling through.  Perhaps I need to balance this all a bit more.   Spend some time volunteering if necessary in studios and learning more.  And definitely start practicing more.  I need more guidance…so I’m going to get ready for bed and try to meditate before I go to sleep.  I meditated today for a while, and the more I do it the better I do.  So I’ll keep pushing development so I know which way to go.

Things are ok.  Not always great, not always bad, but ok.  Certainly better than I would expect considering the circumstances.  And you know what?  I’m more devoted to my wife than ever.  That’s definitely a plus.

No answers

I don’t understand this.  Why is there nothing that can be done to help seizures?  It doesn’t matter who you ask either.  If we go to the ER, they won’t do anything.  We ask Kendra, she says to just wait it out.  How is waiting an answer?  Carrie says it every day, but it’s true.  It’s not fair.  So I wait next to her, pushing on her stomach if she stops breathing after the seizure.  I try to keep her from going into a seizure by talking to her and getting her to focus.  And most important, I hide my own fear so she does not get even more scared when she looks into my eyes.  This isn’t hard very often, because usually I just take it as it comes, and am not actually scared anymore.  But sometimes it’s hard, especially when I’m frustrated.

I just don’t understand how there can be no answers except waiting.

A rant on tutoring

I’m a graduate student and tutor in my ’spare’ time because I need the money.  Usually this is a good experience, and it allows me to refresh my memory on things I haven’t done in many years.  Tonight was the exception.

First, this kid shows up with a 31 page pdf document.  Then they proceed to start drawing a picture without saying what problem they’re working on.  That’s usually not a good sign.  Of course it’s the very first problem, which tells me they haven’t actually tried to do anything on their own yet, which is always annoying.  Then, it’s a problem that I literally haven’t seen or done in 10 years.  As is the policy, I tell them that I’m not familiar enough with that material, and that they should catch another tutor.  While I know I could figure out the problem, it would take more time than the student would be willing to spend I’m sure.  Normally when I tell a student this, they are fine and move on.  Not this student.  They proceeded to tell me how that’s terrible, and questioning if I’m a physics teacher.

First off, who remembers every detail of every class they’ve taken?  Even more, who remembers the details of something they learned once in an introductory class 10 years ago?  And who is this kid to question my qualifications on a problem they also don’t know how to do?  To pass judgement so quickly is amazing to me.  It doesn’t matter that I can go days without missing a question.  All that matters to this kid is that I didn’t know what they needed help on.  They should be grateful this service even exists so someone can lead them through their homework, at no expense to them.

I rarely have the need to vent, but since I couldn’t go off on the kid without losing my job, I guess that leads me here.  Thank you for listening.

Meditation on astral sight

Today I meditated twice for a significant amount of time.  This afternoon was over 30 minutes, tonight was almost an hour, though it didn’t feel like it.  Before meditating tonight I did EFT to try to remove irrational fear and to encourage astral sight.  I’m going to try this before each meditation session in the hopes it will speed this along.  I want to see this scroll and start reading it.

I’m going to bed, but I’m also going to set my intention to try to read it while I’m sleeping.  Perhaps taking more of my conscious mind out of the equation will help.

Jedi dream (plus a quick plane note)

This was a wierd dream because it didn’t feel like me so much. I was walking with a boy about my same age, and I think we were both teenagers. Someone else had been walking with us, but they had just reached their house. As we were walking, someone very drunk and very mad decided we’d be good targets. He had a bit of a limp, but he noticed the boy also had a limp. We managed to get to a very large old house before anything happened. It might have been where we meant to go, but it’s not clear. We get to the door and it turns out to be a small group of Jedi that live there. Not the movie Jedi, but Jedi realists.

After a jump, we are behind the house, along a stream. Every so often there would be this surge of water that came from the left. The intensity seemed to grow, enough that the wave would reflect from downstream and come back. But at that point, it wasn’t like a water wave, and I saw it more as a separate visual, light bouncing back with some sound, kind of like sending compression waves down a slinky. It’s very hard to describe something that doesn’t happen in real life. I look farther upstream and see a storm wall. When the surge hits, you can see some water splash up at the top of the wall, and then the water comes through the bottom. I ask if that’s safe and they assure me it has never caused much damage. After all, the house is old and still standing.

We’re given some silly little things, like stickers that are of this groups symbol or something. I guess I stay there, but there is some drama later because I also still somewhat live with some other people, one might be a sister. I was back at that house, and they were just leaving, without asking if I needed a ride. I talked a bit to the other person, because it pissed me off. Basically we both talked about not talking enough.

The the dream really shifts and I’m in a car driving through what is supposed to be New London.  It’s pretty random.  We stop at an apartment that doesn’t have a front wall on it - maybe I have xray vision lol.  My cousin Christi lives there.  I notice that the floor plan of her apartment is similar to ours (which is isn’t, but must be in the dream), but there is a wierd patch of carpet in the kitchen right in front of the sink.  We discuss this, and I tell her what carpet shampooer is good for around $100.  Then I leave.  It’s very random.

I think that’s the important stuff.  On a side note, 2 nights ago I had an airplane crashing dream, which I haven’t had in a very long time.  At least this time it didn’t try to crash on me.  It was more that I saw a medium size jet turn slowly in the distance, but going too low.  Then I heard the crash.  I don’t know if it was a precursor to the Blue Angels jet that went down in Beaufort yesterday.  It could be completely unrelated.  Unfortunately, I’m also not sure what that dream means for me.  I’m just noting it for the future, in the event I do figure it out.