I’m in a horrible mood. Snapping at people, and just being a general ass. It’s not that I’m being mean, but there’s a harshness to me that I don’t like but can’t shake very well. I’m not sure what’s all going on. Perhaps it’s a mix of many things. Withdrawal from Kali who is frustrating me because she’s gone a bit noncommunicative (though I’m sure she has a reason, it’s just hard to not know). Returning to our apartment which still hasn’t been cleaned (but will be tackled very soon). Returning to the huge stack of work I have to do. Trying to get Carrie to not drink so much (which sounds worse than it is). Lack of sleep that is desperately needed right now. Dealing with the emotional fallout of what I learned this weekend. And perhaps there is another energy element of it that is amplifying the confusion.
Things I have to remember:
Paranoia is pointless. I have looked back at the past week or so carefully and can’t find a reason for Kali to be ignoring me. Thus, patience is most important right now. It’ll make sense later.
Anger is pointless. I can’t be supportive and effective if I’m pissed off and introverted.
Don’t fight sleep. It’s better to take an extra day or two and rest up so everything else goes smoothly than it is to push and be frustrated while doing a substandard job.
Ellis is invaluable. She has the ability to put voice to the indescribable and make it ok. The only time I felt better today was after listening to certain songs on evidence of joy many times, especially Angel. I’m going to listen to it a few more times as I’m waiting for my doctor’s appointment.
I really don’t mean to be an ass. I have to let this go and move on. Perhaps I can even sneak in a nap. That would be heaven.
