Today, I caught a quick blurb on the View where Rosie is talking about the trouble with kids when their parents have different last names. It’s usually not a problem, but if you’re dealing with the emergency room, it can definately be an issue. This got me thinking about the issue of names for Carrie and I, and eventually our kids.
One option is to change everyone’s name. We could do a hyphenated thing, hape-meyer, or we could create our own new name, hapemeyer, which works because there are lots of German names involving something and meyer. We’d then be able to continue each of our lines in some sense. Plus, then we’d all have the same name, making it more obvious that we’re a family.
Putting this into practice, however, feels wierd. For one, I’m very attached to my name. It’s been my name for 28 years after all! I don’t know how women do it when they get married. I mean, why should I have to change my name? It’s a silly patriarchal concept that reinforces the concept of male ownership and male blood lines. Yet each person contributes 50% of the genetic material, so no one has any more claim than anyone else. And then, when there isn’t a father involved, it’s even more complicated.
I don’t want to change my name. I don’t want to have to learn how to sign my name over again. Carrie is also very attached to her name. Their family line is quickly dying out, and she wants to keep it going. The last thing I would do is ask her to change her name, removing her outside family identity. This isn’t much of a problem, until kids come along. Then, they need to have a last name that identifies them as part of the family, once the adoption comes through. It seems easiest to hyphenate the name. Then, it should be clear enough that if someone has the last name meyer or hape, they are probably related, right? It may be a little confusing for the kids at first, but they’ll figure it out eventually. Plus, if we end up with mail addressed to the hape-meyer’s, I won’t mind. I just don’t want to have to learn to sign my name differently.
Some people may say we’re too independent. That marriage is about compromise. But I don’t think it’s a compromise for one person to change their name, and not the other. I also don’t see it as being that important for both people to change their name if they don’t want to. How much simpler would life be if we didn’t have to learn everyone’s new names all the time? I hate that I can’t track down old friends because they’ve gotten married and I don’t know their last name! It just seems to be a system that isn’t needed anymore. I do admit that I’m not sure how to fix this so that families are easily identifiable, but we don’t have impossibly long last names. If anyone has any ideas, let me know.
9 December 2006 at 20:36
I’d like both me and my spouse to keep our names… I don’t see a reason that anyone should *have* to change their name if they don’t want to.
As for the children that might be a tough call. I know in my case I was given my mother’s maiden name for a middle name, and I *really* like that because I feel like I inherited part of my name from her. Don’t be too worried about the children being confused if their last name were not the same as yours - they learn quick.
9 December 2006 at 22:01
That is pretty cool. I had a band teacher who, after getting divorced, took her mother’s maiden name, rather than her own maiden name, which was interesting.
I know kids adapt, and it’s probably far less common these days than it was when I was growing up. I just don’t want to have to deal with drama in the emergency room. I guess we’ll figure it out eventually