In Memoriam – Sgt Susan Babich (Giesemann), USMC

Sometimes, I wonder if it’s best to not know. Tonight, as I was googling an old friend, I came across something that was completely unexpected, and I’m not sure how well I’m coping right now.

When I was in A school at NAS Pensacola, there was another Marine that I knew only casually. However, a year or so later, she ended up on mess duty with me while on CAX (combined arms exercise) at 29 Palms. Susan and I were pretty fast friends. She was just one of those beautiful people, inside and out, and you couldn’t help but love her. I know it was only a month at CAX, but she has always had a place in my heart, with many fond memories.

The last time I saw her was after I had my tonsils removed at Camp Pendleton. She was gracious enough to let me crash at her place while I found my feet through my pain pills. We lost contact after that, which was unfortunate. I’m horrible at staying in touch. I found a picture on the cherry point website once, with her in a headlock doing training. I could only see her hair, but knew it was her. I really wish I had reached out to contact her sooner.

As I learned on the page her parents set up for her, Susan died, along with her unborn son, after being struck by lightning on June 8, 2006. I’m sure she went peacefully, which is nice. But to think that she left so suddenly, and so young, it’s hard.

I know that we all leave when we’re done. I know that she’s on the other side, at peace. But I’m still very sad to see her go. My tears are not for her, as I know she did not lose anything in death, but gained her true self. They are for what I have lost in the opportunity to reunite with her again. Share silly stories, and to learn what she went through in life. I know that right now I’m reacting out of shock, as this was the last thing I expected to see tonight. I will be fine in time, because I don’t see death as negative.

How interesting that I learned this today, on the Marine Corps birthday. What’s funny is that, I never expected to lose a Marine Corps buddy in this manner. You expect things to happen through war, not as a random lightning strike.

I’ll miss you Susan. I hope you’re enjoying your birthday up there, because I know Marines stay Marines long after they die. It’s probably even more amusing, because you can watch everyone do stupid things once they get drunk. I’m sorry we didn’t reconnect in this life, but I hope to see you again in the future. Thank you for giving me fond memories, even if they were a bit bizarre, in the short time we knew each other.

I love you. Semper Fi.

I’m not living

I avoid new situations. New people. Confrontation, and the possibility thereof. Anything that could become awkward, with regard to my gender expression primarily, is something to be avoided.

So I stay home. I avoid new activities, like Civil Air Patrol, or Young Marines, or even the Marine Corps League. Because real rejection would hurt more than assumed rejection. I don’t feel ready to face that, not on my own at least. This is why the internet is easier. I’m the same person I am offline, but people don’t get hung up on how I physically present myself.

I know this is fear. I know I shouldn’t let fear control me. And I realize that I’m not living life to the fullest by avoiding things that I’d like to experience. But I also realize that, if there are people who make things uncomfortable, I won’t be able to enjoy that experience anyway. So is it really a bad idea to avoid situations? Yes, I know I just justified my own fearful action (or inaction as is typically the case), but it’s not a completely invalid point.

28 years

28 years and I still haven’t learned to not care about what others think, and to simply do what I wish to do. Sometimes, I feel like I’m so close to figuring things out. Then, I get caught up in worldly things, like the Marine Corps, and I’m sucked right back down into a world of possible rejection and the need to defend my life, my service, my title, my identity. Perhaps I just don’t have the energy to do so at the moment, and thus avoid it. Or maybe it’s the years of experience that tells me that you can’t overcome someone else’s prejudice, especially in a short time like a job interview.

Perhaps the only solution right now is to really absorb the teachings of Eckhart Tolle, and live in the now. I’m not willing to forget all about my past, but I need to find a way to balance the past with the now. I can’t let it grab hold of my present and tear me away from it. More importantly, I can’t let it pull me off my path, slow me down, or trip me up. Or, as we are told in aikido, “don’t let them have your mind. They may have your wrist, but they don’t have your mind unless you give it to them.” I keep giving the past my mind, when it isn’t necessary.

It’s time to let go, and move on. I did my time, as best I could at the moment. I’m who I am; the best person I can possibly be. I’m a happily married gender neutral butch with an amazing wife. I’m also a Marine. If people don’t like that those things are true, that’s their own issue. This is the only way I can live. Proud, strong, and out. I cannot hide, and I cannot be anything less than truthful. In truth, power. In deceit, weakness. I choose power.