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Bull Creek District Park

This is why a day at a park can be insanely relaxing and fun. Today I felt would be a good day for Carrie and I to move past the funk we’ve been in, and our friends had been to this park previously.  It turns out it was awesome.
This first video is of some crazy dogs. Einstein ran like this after the ball for hours! And the poor great dane just went through a growth spurt, so he’s not so strong on his feet. But he was a sweetheart.

This is my friend Tir and her three dogs, Socha, Spirit, and Stormy. They’re awesome dogs, and very loving.

And here are some pictures of the little falls there, which were really neat.

 Today was a lot of fun.  I also just finished playing a bunch of wii sports, and my arm is sore!  I love that I can play a video game and get a small workout in.  It’s not as good as going to the gym, but it’s better than nothing also. 

Self lessons

I’ve been a jackass for two days.  I have no clue why, and I’m not sure how to fix it.  In essence it comes down to just letting it go, but I don’t know what I’m holding on to.  I’m probably making this too complicated.

I’ve realized that I’m at my worst when dealing with the least important things in life.  Things that maybe I add  importance to, and I then hold onto.  It’s like a little kid that holds onto a piece of paper that means nothing.  If you take it away, they throw a huge fit, as if you’re taking away their parents.  Maybe I need a ‘parent’ to take away these things that aren’t important, so I can be annoyed for a short time and then move on?

In short, I’m referring to some conflicts that came in dealing with another Jedi site that wants to interact with us.  Except that their site screams role playing to everyone who has visited.  They claim otherwise, and then say that it’s the person’s issue if they see it as role playing.   Hmm…ok, passing off responsibility is always a good sign.  They also have a wierd idea of ranks.  Basically, online master = offline knight, and so on.  To me, that makes no sense at all.  There should be no difference, or you have diluted what those titles are supposed to mean.  These are sticking points for me, that I can’t really move past.  There are others, but it’s not necessary to go into here.  I do take responsibility for my own attitude, that was not conducive to a good conversation.  Taking attitude out of the equation, and focusing on the issues so to speak, I really don’t like what they’re doing, so I won’t be dealing with them anymore.

I need to change my focus, because I have to run out and get cigarettes.  If I don’t shift my focus, I’m going to yell a lot at the cars around me.  It’s a bad habit, and doesn’t help very much.  I guess it’s time to see what I can do.

Wii

The Wii is insanely fun!  Carrie and I are both thoroughly enjoying both Wii sports and Zelda.

As far as the sports go, we end up trading off who is better at what.  Baseball is my favorite I think.  All the games still involve timing, so there are some challenges.  Also, you can actually break a sweat while playing, which is crazy.

Zelda, is perhaps the most amazing game ever.  It’s beautiful, and real intuitive.  Now we’re just waiting for the servers to not be so overloaded so we can purchase Wii points and download Solomon’s Key.

By the way, if anyone wants to be Wii friends, our code is: 6790 5141 6768 8742

quick updates

Still sick.  Though the symptoms are shifting around in new and creative ways.  Last night I was up every hour on the hour, with a coughing fit that lasted for a while.  Then I’d sit back up in bed, try to get some air, and eventually go to sleep.  I didn’t find anything that helped with the problem.  Quite annoying.

I forgot to mention some cool things the other day.  It was a good queer day.  First, I noticed the questionaire at the clinic on campus had some interesting changes.  First, you could choose male, female, or transgender with a blank to fill in.  I wasn’t sure how to answer that, so I circled female and transgender.  :-)  There are questions about what sexual partners you have, and if you use condoms, which includes a not applicable option.  It was pretty cool.  For once I didn’t feel like I had to explain things, or find a way to answer questions that didn’t apply to me.  I didn’t know how nice that could feel.

On the way home, I stopped in at subway and met a really cool older butch.  We chatted about random things.  I actually got scared for a second when she said her girl has 5 kids and likes to go out.  I thought I might have known her, but then I realized I didn’t.  Otherwise that would have been awkward.  I’m going to keep going there and see if she’ll want to come by for the L word in the spring, or just have random dinners.  It’s good to have other friends, and she’s a lot like us; content to go to work and come home and be fine with that.  On a side note, it was interesting to have a very normal conversation with a stranger without any wierd stuff. 

Tonight we’re going to watch some geek space stuff I got from blockbuster.  I got the red planet collection, which may or may not be cool, and for all mankind, a collection of the apollo moon videos.  Maybe that will allow me to keep my brain working a little, while still resting.  Then we can bring them back and get something else, like the rest of peewee’s playhouse.  hehehe  I love that show.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

Can someone tell me why they’re doing road construction on our street at almost 10pm?!  Since when is this allowed in a neighborhood?  Of course it’s also when I want to go to bed, since I haven’t slept in 3 days.  Hopefully the cops will shut them down soon, or I’ll have to lose my mind.

Grrr…

bronchitis

“You have an impressive cough.”  That’s what the doctor said to me today.  How nice!  Basically, she’s treating me for bronchitis.  I’m taking a rather expensive antibiotic, but I get to avoid the ones that cause severe stomach cramping.  I’m also taking an inhaler, eucalyptus syrup, and maximum doses of mucinex.  What’s scary is that I’m still feeling even better than Carrie!  So hopefully we’ll be able to beat this sickness into submission soon.

I’ve discovered I can tell when my body temp is only a degree warmer than normal.  When my eyelids feel warm, I take my temperature and it’s consistenly one degree warmer than normal.  Thankfully I haven’t had any higher fever than that, but it’s at least interesting to learn that correlation.

I finally got a tiny bit of sleep last night while sitting up in bed.  I also got a bit in short bursts this morning.  But it doesn’t add up to much when you sleep for a few minutes at a time.

It’s time to go lay down.  I have to teach in the morning, and any sleep I can get will be helpful.

No stress?

Tomorrow, I have a midterm.  I haven’t studied, beyond an hour or so.  I don’t anticipate doing well.  Hell, the last midterm I took in this class I got a 12 (out of 100).  And yet…I feel no stress.  I mean, I’m as calm as can be, and not even worrying about it.  I enjoyed teaching today, and am completing the paperwork to become a tutor at tutor.com.  This is very much unlike me.

As always, I have some theories.  My first theory is that I’m being guided, and I’m actually listening.  This test, and this class, don’t actually matter in my life.  There are no real consequences for getting a C (which is basically failing in grad school).   So, this leads to the next question; who is guiding me?  My first instinct is to look outside of myself, and say it’s a guide, though perhaps it’s my inner self who has access to the same knowledge as my guides.  Or it could even continue to be Susan’s far reaching influence in my life.  Either way, these are all outside of me.

Why is it hard to imagine that I simply have learned to let go, and live in the present?  I know I haven’t done that with everything, but since I got sick it’s sure felt like I’ve ignored the future, and stress in general, and lived in the now.  So maybe this is just me.

Of course, whether internal or external, it is all part of the same One, so it doesn’t matter.  It just gives me an interesting chance to look inside myself and look at some patterns.

So tomorrow will come, and the test will go horribly.  And I don’t care.  I’ll take it, and leave.  I’ll go to the doctor, who hopefully will be able to give me something that actually works.  Robitussin isn’t working, nor is mucinex, and I’m drinking tons of water.  I’m at a loss, and don’t expect to sleep tonight.  Hooray!  lol, but I’m taking it all in stride.  Especially since I got my acceptance email today about tutoring online.  I’m excited, partly because I’ll really start to know basic physics, and also because it pays $10 an hour and we can really use the money coming into the holidays and the end of our savings.   It feels good, and it’s something that I can do from home, which means keeping an eye on Carrie.

By the way, they require a background check, which means I needed to provide my previous addresses.  I don’t think they knew what they were asking!  When all was said and done, I listed 18.  Fifteen of those were from the age of 18 to 28.  Only one was repeated (my parents), and I neglected a few very short term moves.  It’s a bit crazy now that I look at it.  That explains this need to travel a lot I guess.  Quite a pattern I’ve established!  But, I know I’ll be ok once we have a house in a beautiful part of the country.  I’m a homebody at heart, not a person who wants to move constantly.  Travel for vacation is enough for me.  Soon; it will all come soon.   (I’m testing out the use of semicolons.  They’re wierd!)

And the changes keep coming…

I’ve come down with an affliction.  It’s a strange affliction, that makes you say things you otherwise wouldn’t.  No, it’s not Tourettes.  It’s honesty.

I’m not sure exactly when it started.  It’s popped up, in mild form from time to time.  But today, it’s become quite acute.  I found myself journaling today about some very personal memories without getting uncomfortable.  The only exception involved sexual activities that I simply didn’t have words for that didn’t make it sound like porn, as that would have degraded the situation.  But even then, practically no discomfort.

This wouldn’t have been a problem had that been the extent of it.  But no, I had a worse flare up, one that involved reaching out to people I care about to tell them so.  Now it wasn’t between me and the page, but honesty leaving my mind and heading towards another human being!  First, one message to Kali (or Cali as I prefer to spell it), and then one to Holloway (who I should perhaps learn to call Vick, but what fun is that?).  Both of them now know of my undying love for them, no matter what time or distance separates us (in that purely friendship sort of way of course).  The two messages had very different feels, as I still felt the need to maintain some bravado with Holloway (perhaps the honesty is starting to ease in it’s strength?).  In the end, the result is the same.  Honesty rears it’s ugly head in sappy messages that just might have come out of my mouth without the aid of alcohol had they been here tonight.  And that, my friends, is a serious bout of honesty!

Ok, time to switch gears.  lol  This weekend has been one of changes that I couldn’t have begun to predict.  Yes, Susan made an impact in my life many years ago.  But now, she’s the catalyst for even more important changes.  I don’t know where this will lead, but I’m going to take advantage of this wierd mental state, and share what I can.  As much as I’m blogging, I also wrote 7 pages or so in my offline journal while watching aikido today.  It’s like I’m overflowing with feelings, and they have to come out somehow.  What’s interesting is this feeling of writing a song or poem, but nothing coming out.  Perhaps I haven’t made the shift to that type of thinking, so I’m just writing away normally.  Either way, all this writing feels good.  Too bad school will barge in soon with a midterm on wednesday.  Happy birthday to me!  lol

Humans and searching

Humans are strange creatures.  And by humans I’m absolutely including myself.  During the past few days, I’ve had a lot to think about.  While I would prefer Susan were still alive, her death has triggered many new thoughts and experiences.  For that I am grateful.

Tonight, as I was driving, I had a silly thought.  Actually I said stupid, but either way, it was just silly, and very human (aka wrong).  But, it allowed me to make some possible connections.

Humans, especially westerners, spend their lives searching.  Most have no idea what they’re searching for, because it’s so vague.  Often, it’s can be approximated with concepts like, “something more” or “something bigger”.  We are continually looking for something more than what we have, without realizing that we are enough.  Our limitations are self imposed.   But since we don’t realize this, we search outside ourselves, sometimes for entire lifetimes.

For a while I thought this searching didn’t have much basis, but then I realized it does!  We enter physical reality so we can experience growth.  We enter with perhaps a rough preference of a life path, but there really aren’t a lot of rules, except to experience and discover.  Too bad we don’t remember that.  Since we don’t remember that, we end up searching.  We know we’re meant to grow, and experience on some level, but it’s not conscious.  So we go through life searching for that thing that will make everything make sense.  Except it isn’t outside of us, just deep inside.

I have a theory, that I can test on my kids actually, that if we knew this from birth, we wouldn’t substitute experience and growth with superficial things.  We wouldn’t seek others to complete us, because we would know we’re already complete.  We wouldn’t seek outside of us, knowing the answers are all inside.  And maybe, just maybe, we can cure much of the dysfunction in the world, if we could all start teaching our kids this message.  Or, at least clean up our own little parts of the world.

I wish I could remember how I said this all in my head on the drive home, since I think I said it better, but hopefully this also makes sense.  Feel free to share comments, as it’s only through questions that I really refine ideas.