weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Oh my god!  I’m so freakin happy!  I just got my new hihats in the mail, and they’re the greatest things I’ve ever heard!!!!!  Hooray!!!!

They’re 14″ Zildjian K’s, probably a medium or medium think weight.  I won them on ebay for only $200.  New they around well over $300, so it’s a great deal.  Plus they’re already broke in so I don’t have to feel bad about any scuffs.  And they’re aged, which means they sound even better than new.  I’m in love!  I’m very very glad I bought these, even though it was scary to buy something sight unseen and for $200.  But wow…I definately made the choice with the K line.  I’ll have to slowly add the other cymbals I need.  Because this is the only thing I want, and I’m not settling for less anymore.

EEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!  all I can do is make happy noises hahahaha

Shooting - dream interpretation

I talked to a friend tonight, because last night I dreamt about shooting things again. Anytime something becomes a pattern in my dreams, I pay more attention. However, I don’t put much stock in standard dream interpretation. It seems odd that everyone would make the same associations between an object and meaning, especially when they can be so different.

But today, today is different!  What’s amusing is that I started this post a few minutes ago, before Carrie realized we didn’t buy cigarettes when we were out.  So I had to stop, and in the meantime discussed this with Carrie.  Thanks to that break, I actually had a breakthrough in understanding.  I’ll try to explain it here.

According to Jung, shooting represents your creative energy, and shooting  means you’re directing your creative energy into different areas in your life.  Unfortunately, in both dreams I had trouble aiming.  (see I Killed Holloway)  Ellen suggested that meant I needed focus, which makes sense.  So much sense that I can’t even remember my alternative theory.  And I’ve felt a complete lack of focus this week, due to the decisions I have to make.  Therefore, focus makes a lot of sense.

In trying to understand this sequence of dreams, I think I got stuck on seeing situations as literal, rather than symbolic.  For instance, perhaps shooting Holloway had to do with my desire to communicate better with her.  Except in the dream, I shot her accidentally, I wasn’t trying to shoot her at all.  And that’s when it hit me; she’s representative of my loved ones.  In trying to be a bit cautious, and make just the right decision for my loved ones and my self, I had lost focus.  That lack of focus inadvertently hurts them.

The same concept came up in last night’s dream.  It was again a combat type scenario, except this time I was trying to shoot down enemy helicopters.  But as things became more chaotic around me, my focus grew worse and I started to hit or almost hit my own people, which I believe were fighter jets in the dream.  So once again, my lack of focus was hurting those around me.

I can’t honestly remember a time when dream interpretation actually worked, but this feels right.  I laughed a lot when it hit me, which is usually a good sign.  In the end, all that matters is the meaning I take away from the dream anyway.  So not, I need to take heed.  I asked my soul to help me make a decision, and it has to some extent.  I need to stop being cautious, and just decide.  I really hate deciding, but I have to.  If I want to create the situations I need to get to where I want to go, I can’t change my mind all the time.  I need to decide the path I want, and create it.  Otherwise I’ll end up shooting my loved ones, and no one wants that!

Shoe rant

Ok, someone, please explain to me why I can’t find a single pair of shoes that fit and feel right between four stores?!  Seriously, how insane is this?  I know there are shoe companies that make more widths than just medium and wide (D).  Yet, no one carries them.  What’s with that?  I need shoes, and my only options are things that cramp the piss out of my foot, which further causes problems with my foot.  A problem that was initially caused by boots that were too narrow!

I’m so freakin sick of this.  If RunTex doesn’t have shoes wider than D tomorrow, I fucking quit.  I refuse to buy shoes off the internet, because it’s so hard to figure out if the heal will feel right, or the arch, or if they’ll turn my foot a wierd direction.  The internet is not a substitute for having stock on hand, and never will be.

Reconnect

Sex can be good for the psyche.  It alleviates fears and reminds you that there are more connections beyond mental and emotional.  Which shouldn’t be hard to remember in a marriage, but when your life is full of constant challenges, it can be.  *note, not problems.  Problems are very different from challenges*

*personal cut for some personal stuff that I’ll only vaguely hint at*

I killed Holloway

accidentally.  I had a very odd group of dreams this morning.  First I was in some building with people and there were these basketball players around.  I can’t honestly say who they were, as I am really bad about keeping people’s names and faces straight, but they were all former uconn players currently playing in the WNBA.  I remember one had a Houston shirt on.  We chatted about basketball.  Something I said made one of the women go over to her stuff and get a book out.  Unfortunately I don’t remember what that was about.

At some point Carrie got upset, thinking I was trying to hit on someone…I don’t know.  But I wasn’t, and it was just a wierd misunderstanding having to do with my own behavioral ticks around new people.

Another part of the dream involved us getting stuck in a meeting with people we lived with, maybe?  Most of the people were old, there was one asian woman about our age, and maybe a kid.  They wanted to have a meeting, but I’m like, we have to leave or I’ll be late for work.  It was just bizarre, mostly addressing things not getting done in the house.  Except I was the one person doing dishes at least, so I didn’t want to waste my time listening to the argument.

One random snippet was going in this room, which ended up being a race track.  And someone in there had my kid, or a kid I knew well, in there.  She was a very small baby, a few months old, but having a blast!  Just laughing and smiling.  So while I was concerned for her ears, she was having fun and it wasn’t unbearable loud.  And someone else said, it doesn’t matter anyway, her mom or my mom has ear troubles.  Except I don’t believe in anyone automatically inheriting issues, so that annoyed me.  I think we took some sort of precaution, though I don’t know what it was.  But she was very cute. 

Then things got truly bizarre.  I think all that was there was myself, Holloway, Carrie I think, and a Gunny who was Holloway’s friend.  I don’t remember how it actually happened, but two guys ended up on this false floor, that dropped into a whole basement area, slowly.  We grabbed rifles as fast as we could, though some had barrels off (why?!) and it took a little time.  Then we just started shooting into the hole, but off the edges so we wouldn’t hit the guys.  Eventually we went down the hole, I guess, because we were down there fighting.  We were clearly in the middle east, though I wouldn’t begin to guess beyond that.  For some reason the rifle doesn’t aim well, so for a while I aim too low, which means burning through more ammo than I mean to.  We systematically work our way through the place.  Going into the next room, there are people on hospital beds.  I had long lost track of where everyone was, because there wasn’t time to stop and check.  I tried to convince the people in there to surrender, because I didn’t want to kill anyone else.  The nurse would only put one hand up, and reached for a hand gun under a mattress, so I had to shoot her.  However, by then, the noise that went with the gun, and much of the kick, was gone from the dream.  It was very surreal, and there was no blood, ever.

So I make my way to the end of the room, and behind a curtain there are people putting stuff on bodies.  I can see that the person on the stretcher is Holloway, even though there’s a sheet covering all but the top of her head.  I make them put it down, and I take off the sheet.  They’d put all this bizarre jewelry on her, which may have been a custom or something.  But I just started ripping it off, because that wasn’t what my friend would want.  At that point the others had found me, I think, and tried to stop me, probably because they thought she was dead, as did I.  I mean, half of her was very ashy grey.  But then she grabs my shirt and pulls me in closer.  She’s clearly not dead (unless she’s a zombie hehe) and is freaking out because she’s really hurt.  She was shot above the right eyebrow, and she was having trouble talking and feeling things on the right side.  The left side of her body was more grey.  And then I said I’m sorry I shot you.  Yet neither of us seemed to make a big deal out of it.  The gun wasn’t aiming properly, and it was an accident.  So I tried to keep her calm, and the dream just ended, probably due to my alarm clock.  So I guess I don’t know if I actually killed her, but I certainly shot her.  But I got all of the wierd blue jewelry and glasses off her, so she didn’t look so bizarre (imagine elton john jeweled glasses, that gaudy!).  And I have no clue how I was so calm about it all.  I may have been in shock, because I was upset on some level, but I just didn’t freak out yet.  Boy am I glad my dreams aren’t prophetic!

Dreams for the week

Perhaps if I write these down daily, and just publish once a week, I’ll remember more and not fill up my blog with dream posts.

Friday night August 11/12

We were on a military installation. It seemed like things were happening before we realized. We, Carrie and I, were being shuttled along to a bus, and apparently that bus was taking us to a space craft. But we weren’t prepared, didn’t have anything packed, etc. Very odd. At some point things didn’t seem, ‘right’. There was this sense that we were going to be part of an experiment, maybe involving a weapon test, but not good for sure. We started to ask questions, and the guy is all, then you aren’t going. I tried to explain that we just want to know what we’re in for. It was a very odd dream, with few things I remember. We were given these chords to put on our bags and on us, I’m assuming identification of some sort. In the end we never went anywhere, the dream just kind of dragged on.

Saturday night August 12/13
I was in a different city, it was neat though. I remember going to someone’s apartment. The only thing I remember clearly is going into a room and seeing Jen Woolworth and Tessa Elliot in there, lying down on the bed. I ran in, and first semi-tackled Jen, who was under a sheet. After giving her a big hug I got up and gave Tess a big hug also. Sounds normal, right? Except I wasn’t wearing a shirt, or bra. Huh? lol, very odd. So I would cover my chest until I actually hugged them. Where the heck was my shirt? And why did part of me still want to do more than just hug Jen.

Confusing connections…always so confusing. I wonder if it’s just the lack of resolution in some relationships that causes things to linger. But I don’t know. Maybe it’s something I’ll figure out when I’ve gotten a few more years of living experience under my belt.

____________

Guess I bailed on writing down my dreams.  lol  Oh well.

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knowing feelings

Today, on the drive home from Waxahachie for a little Jedi meetup, I was thinking about all sorts of things.  One of which will be discussed in a private post (sorry).  The other neat thing was a random feeling.  I was listening to music, just zoning out a bit on the drive, when I felt my chest get warm.  Right then I knew, I would be a drummer.  I wish I knew more specifically, but all I know is that I will be a professional drummer.  And in the end, that’s all that matters.  I can move forward with this new direction I find myself moving in, and know it’ll be ok.

So that brings this experience list to 4.

1.  Knowing that I really am meant to be gay, and it’s completely ok.

2.  Knowing that Carrie was going to be ok from her seizures and such.

3.  Knowing that Holloway was ok, even though we hadn’t heard from her in a few years.

4.  Knowing that I’ll be a drummer.

In the end, none had any details except what I just wrote.  But that was all that was necessary.  All addressed big questions I had, and answered them just enough for me to relax and move on with my life.   And I’m thankful for every one of them. 

making decisions about the future

So it’s appearing that choices are being made for me, at least for my conscious self. The current project I’m working on is good enough for only a masters, which is fine. The soonest I could finish it would be spring of 2007. And while I could still work on a PhD project, I don’t honestly know if there’s one for me to work on. My instinct, which could be wrong, is that my advisor doesn’t want to keep me on for more than a masters, and is thus helping me get out the door with my masters and move on. So I have the distinct feeling I’d have to shop around or come up with something on my own.

But do I want to? If you read my post on Embracing Greatness from July, you’ll see that I understand where my heart lies, and it simply isn’t in physics. It’s music, it always has been. So I’m faced with an interesting situation.

If I graduate in May, which I probably will, I have to start paying back loans. Obviously that’s a bad thing, because I have a ton of school debt. I would need to make around $14 an hour full time to pay for everything, and that’s assuming Carrie had disability. Scary, huh? And while I do have a masters in physics, what can I use it for? I’d like to teach, though that probably wouldn’t pay enough. I don’t have much training, so to go to industry at this point isn’t easy, though I’m still hoping something will work out.

So that leaves my next idea, which is going back to school to get a second bachelor’s degree. This way, at least I’m deferring my loans, and can hopefully still get enough to cover my tuition and such. But then, what do I go back for? At first I thought about aerospace, because it’s related to the work I’ve been doing, and is still interesting to me. Except I don’t honestly know if I’d be accepted.  It’s highly competitive, with only 10% of the transfers coming from out of state (it’s the law).  Plus, I don’t know if I really want to continue working on this stuff, especially knowing that our future is in music.

So I started to think of other areas I’d like to study.  Geology?  Interesting, but very difficult.  I don’t think I have the patience for it.  Comparative religion?  Possibly, but I’m not sure I’m able to do that right now, belief wise.  I wouldn’t want to fight my own resistance to things when there are grades on the line.

At this point I was getting worried, because I couldn’t find anything at UT I really wanted to do, or could do.  But today, it came to me.  What about ACC?  I could get a degree in commercial music management, which is exactly what we’ll be doing with our business!  What a concept, to get a degree in the area I plan to work in!  So that’s the plan for now.  If I can work, and work on that degree at the same time, things could work out very well.  I already have 20% of the requirements done from my previous undergrad work, so that helps too.  And I get to do what I really love!  Without it being super intellectual.  Sounds perfect to me!

So in the end, it looks like my subconscious/soul is creating the series of events necessary so I don’t actually have to make a decision, I’ll just have to act.  Perhaps a visual description will help.  Right now, I’m walking through the woods, on a path that’s becoming more rocky and difficult to walk.  In fact, it’s getting so overgrown that I may have actually lost my path all together, and am walking just to keep moving.  So my soul has gone out to scout ahead.  It has already found the path, and is now working to connect that path to the path I’m currently on.  All I have to do is keep walking, and I will run smack into the new path.  I’ll know that it’s there because it’s smooth, and wide, and easy to see.  In the meantime, I just stay the course, because I know that new path will be there in time.  I know this because it has been the case for the previous 27 years of my life, and there’s no reason to believe it won’t happen this time.

So I’m going to keep walking…and let the path come to me.  Then I’ll act, and begin my new life focus.

Objects retaining energy

This may sound wierd, but it was so interesting and unexpected I have to write it down.  I was settling into bed for the night when I reached over and felt a shirt.  I was going to throw it across the room, but I stopped.  For the first time, I felt like it had retained Carrie’s energy.  It felt just like her, energy wise, and very strongly.  So instead of throwing it, which I couldn’t make myself do, I just held onto it.

I haven’t felt that kind of connection in a while.  I know it’s just do to our individual stress, and not taking the time to connect, but it felt really good.  Tonight I’ll try to get her to sleep in the bedroom, but that involves me going to bed sooner.  But last night reminded me how good it is to be around her, so I’ll do my best to make things work tonight.  Either way, I’m thankful for the experience, because I needed to feel that.