insecurities

I’m not often an insecure person, at least online.  I can get shy in person, if I’m talking about something real personal, but otherwise I can usually talk about things without trouble.  I’ve gotten to the point where I can tell Carrie pretty much anything, and can tell my friends how much they mean to me, at least when writing.  But there’s one person in my life that throws that progress all out the window.

Why is it that we (meaning me) are so afraid to tell those who are closest to us that they’re important?  I mean, even right now I don’t say her name, and why?  Man, this is annoying, and yet, amusing at the same time.  Aren’t our loved ones supposed to support us, and love us in spite of our issues?  Shouldn’t the be the very people we talk to about things?  It’s a crazy situation, to feel more comfortable telling anyone else.

Perhaps it has to do with my upbringing.  My family didn’t talk much about feelings.  I don’t know that it would matter if we had though.  Or maybe I’m just not giving myself time to grow into that ability.  I hope that, by the time we have kids, I can tell them I love them without feeling wierd.  Or tell my friends that they’re important to me.  In person.  Out loud.  I have to be specific, or I’ll find loopholes for myself, like handing them a letter or poem.

Tonight I emailed a poem I wrote back in september of last year about five women who are really important in my life. All but one read it right after I wrote it, because I felt it was important to tell them.  It’s part of that honesty thing I’m working on.  But Holloway (there, said her name lol) was out of contact.  I remembered the poem over the weekend and sent it tonight.  Even as I wrote the email I felt this blockage in my throat that prevented me from saying anything actually important.  I hate that feeling.  I’m blocking myself, and it takes a lot to push through that.  It’s like a brick wall that I have to take down brick by brick.  Tonight I took a few more bricks down.  I hope to take most of them down with this trip to visit her.  I don’t usually advocate this, but there will be alcohol involved in knocking down a lot of them.  But by the end of the trip, I want to be to the point of talking while sober.  What a concept, eh?

It’s just amazing to me how many old issues that I had forgotten about popped up these past few days.  But it’s good for me, really…I’ll have to keep telling myself this, but it really is.  These issues serve no purpose. And life is so much easier when it can move smoothly, rather than force it’s way through blockages.  I don’t want blockages any more.  So here we go…moving forward, as uncomfortable and scary as it is.