Embracing Greatness part 1

Riding the bus into school to try to meet Tammy before the concert (which didn’t happen, but that’s ok) I read something that completely changed my thinking. It’s from a book called The Energy of Money by Maria Nemeth, Ph.D.

Your Standards of Integrity

Your heart recognizes and is drawn to people who possess qualities you admire. You cherish or delight in these attributes because you know what they are. They reflect your own potential. When you see these qualities in others, you experience joy, inspiration, and gratitude. That’s the signal that your heart is responding to them.

Take a moment and think about someone whom you admire. What qualities do you prize in them? Below the surface of physical attributes or possessions, which traits reflect their basic goodness? Do you admire their courage, loyalty, or creativity? Do you honor their love, compassion, or truthfulness? Even as you are thinking about the person, do you notice a certain warmth in your heart?

Your heart warms in response to these qualities because they are inside you. You can’t appreciate a trait unless you’ve experience it - whether or not you are currently experiencing it. In order to value loyalty, for example, you must know what loyalty is. You must sense what it means to be dependable, steady, faithful, and dedicated - and you must also know the pain of disloyalty. This is true for any other attribute to which your heart responds. To use a physiological metaphor, if you respond to the trait you must have a receptor site for it, a location in your heart that recognizes and reacts to the quality when you see it in others. To be moved by a trait in another person, you must have that quality inside yourself as a possibility.

Remember the old saying that you don’t like certain people because they have some traits that you dislike in yourself? What if the opposite were true as well, that you value traits in others that you also possess? It always interests me when we discuss this in the You and Money Course, because I see how quick we are to admit the first saying, and how reluctant we are to own up to the second.

You possess the possibility for a host of attributes or characteristics that you consider to be special and admirable. When you see them in others, your heart lights. When you, yourself, act in accordance with these qualities, you feel a sense of well-being, wholeness and completeness. You are actiing with integrity. The qualities that you are demonstrating are the standards that are most important to you; the standards that, finally, express who you are.

Lately I’ve been pondering greatness, the fear of it, and how to reach our own individual greatness. Writing notes on this passage I noticed a change in me. My heart chakra (chest area) started to warm, which then spread until my whole chest felt like it was bursting with energy and love. This is it, this is the key! It’s hard to determine what is your path, or areas of greatness without this piece of information. Now you can sit down, and start to list what people you’ve been drawn to throughout your life, and why. Go through the list, and a pattern should develop. It certainly did for me!

Here is my dilemna. I realize that I have held myself back from reaching a greater potential for most of my life. As a kid I learned to minimize my accomplishments so other kids wouldn’t hate me. That didn’t necessarily work, but I still tried. Basically I didn’t want anyone to think that I believed I was better than them, because I didn’t feel that way a majority of the time. (We all have ego’s that pop up after all) I also held myself back because I think I was afraid of where it would all lead if I really devoted myself to one area.

So now I find myself in graduate school, struggling and questioning if this is what I’m supposed to do. Am I just afraid of being great, and thus hold myself back, or is this just not for me? Before I read this I had no real idea. I knew I could do better by working harder, which I’ve done. But it doesn’t appear to be enough. And now I believe I know why.

From the time I started playing drums, I loved them. Some of my happiest memories, and most fulfilling, are of playing music. School was never a bit deal. I was good at school, but it was minor. My love is music. I still remember our final concert of the year, where seniors were given awards. Mr. Hardt announced in front of the auditorium that I would end up in music some day. I may be going to college for other things, but I’ll end up there anyway. He knew it…he saw the musician in me that just had to be expressed, even if I didn’t. One of these days I’ll let him know that he was right.

But what’s funny is, all those years of playing, where I was quite good, definately ahead of the curve of everyone else in my school and most others in the state, I didn’t really reach for greatness. I went to state solo/ensemble when I was in 8th grade. Most people don’t do that until well into high school. This is after only 2 years of playing. I was good for my age, and with very little practice compared to what I could have done. I worked my tail off at jazz camp every summer, and learned a ton, but once I got back to school, it was different. At camp I felt like I could be great, because I was surrounded by others who expected greatness from every student there. Back home, people weren’t supposed to be great. We were supposed to get away with doing as little work as possible so we could still be cool. And I wanted that acceptance. Thus, I didn’t devote myself in ways that I should.

This wasn’t limited to just the drums. I started playing bass in 8th grade I believe. My sophomore year I played the musical, Once on this Island, which taught me so much about playing. But until that point I hadn’t practiced too hard because I didn’t have to. That musical whipped me into shape for a while. But then, I didn’t have things that challenged me until jazz camp. Again I worked my tail off there, pulling off things I didn’t know I could. I auditioned for Kids from Wisconsin, a touring show choir, and made backup. However, I realize had I been practicing that whole time, I could have made it. I probably would have made it the next year, but needed to work and couldn’t afford touring. I did audition for the Wisconsin State jazz ensemble, and made the vocal jazz ensemble, which is basically the second level. I definately wasn’t good enough for the jazz ensemble, though if I’d practiced more I could have been. However, I’m so proud of that experience because we, as a rhythm section, were outstanding. It was one of my greatest musical experiences and I am so thankful for it.

So throughout high school, I was good, but never reached that level of greatness that could have come had I just decided to embrace it. Then I went to college. I played in the jazz ensemble, but it was a joke. Bad bands are not fulfilling, and I don’t learn anything. That year I joined the Marine Corps, and that was the end of things for a while. I bought an acoustic guitar in Pensacola and that certainly filled much of the need I had for expression. I even wrote some songs! But it wasn’t until I went to the south pole that I realized that drums were always going to be it for me. I played as much as I could down there, and it was wonderful, even though I was rusty.

So when we moved to Austin, I knew I was getting a drumset. I couldn’t let that part of me slide any longer. In the past two years I haven’t played much. It’s hard to find the time, especially early enough in the day so you don’t piss off other people. But when I do play, it’s so wonderful. I have a long way to go until I’m at the place I was in high school, but I don’t think I’m afraid of it anymore. Even a few days ago I said to Carrie, “I don’t think I’ll ever be a great drummer, but I definately don’t want to be ‘good enough’.” That statement still shows some fear. I don’t know how good I can be. But running from it is not the way to find out. I have to embrace my greatness. I don’t have a desire to be famous, but I do want to be a great drummer in my own right. I’ll be completely happy as a successful studio drummer, though I’d love to have a band also. I’m just not fond of touring and being away from the family for long periods of time.

My future lies in music. I know this now, with all of my heart. It also lies in spiritual exploration, but the surface of my life will be music. We will have our recording studio, and small record label to start bands out. We may even have a club for live music. But for sure the studio will happen. I’ll be a professional drummer, recording tech, and stay at home parent. I’ll teach my kid to play drums, and it’s going to be great fun. It’ll be work, but the most rewarding kind of work, because it enhances the soul. Our life, and our love, will be reflected in our business. And boy does it feel good to realize.