hmmm..no dreams

Well, I don’t remember my dreams last night.  Well, I remembered one but fell back to sleep and forgot it.  However, it wasn’t anything to do with the military.  We’ll have to see what tonight brings I guess.

Carrie had a rough day.  Right at the end of break she had a seizure in the classroom.  Thankfully she stayed in her chair and didn’t hurt herself, but she’s embarrased.  But, now the teacher know’s she isn’t faking.  Unfortunately, Carrie didn’t feel this coming, which means we have to pay closer attention.  What she thinks is happening is her new medication relaxes her, but leaves her guard down, leaving her susceptible for a seizure.  Not sure how to fix that though.  Hopefully her guides can help her with this, because not predicting the seizures is dangerous.  But, now everyone knows why I’m sitting in on the class too.

Tomorrow should be fun

Trigger words

You know how you can look at a situation all different ways, but then someone puts just the right combination of words together to trigger an emotional response? It’s pretty crazy.

I was talking to a friend tonight about the dreams I’ve been having lately. They seem to be telling me a lot about the Marine Corps.

“You can’t go back.”

“You don’t belong there anymore.”

“It’s time to move on.”

But I don’t know how to move on, or even what exactly to move on from. So as I’m talking about this, Ellen asks, ” you feel you have unfinished business with the Marines.” For some reason, reading that made me tear up. As I wrote “I have no way of finishing that business”, I felt like I really needed to cry. While I can’t put the feelings into words, it clearly touched something deep inside me.

I need to move on. But I don’t want to leave everything behind. Just the pain. Even though I don’t know the source or even what that pain is called, I need to leave it behind just the same. Ellen recommended, each night before I got to bed, to ask that the pain be released from me. It may take a month or more, but it does help. So that’s my plan.

I’m also going to get my Marine Corps tattoo next month, as I’ve decided on it. I’m asking a friend to do a quick mock up in photoshop to make it easier to bring to an artist, but it will need to be drawn in pencil as I envision lots of shading. Basically, it’s based on an idea Carrie found online at some point. You take the Eagle, Globe and Anchor and superimpose that on an upside down triangle. It should be black, but since black doesn’t show up so well on black, I want it to be a black outline, with some shading on the edge to fade into the EGA and frame it more. The EGA will also have shading, or maybe some light color to stand out more. The overall affect is of the triangle in the background though. Then, in a semicircle above, write “Once a Marine” and then below, “Always a Marine.” The meaning behind it is relatively simple. The black triangle is a symble of lesbians, as that is the symbol they were marked with during the Holocaust. It is behind the EGA, signifying the Marine Corps, basically hidden in the shadows. And that’s how I had to live while in the Corps, hidden in the shadows. But, the triangle is also larger than the EGA, surrounding it. That shows that even though the Marine Corps is important, my sexuality was too large to ignore. It’s why I had to leave.

I’m feeling pretty good about this tattoo. And perhaps it will allow me to let go, because it’s permanently inked on my body.

And perhaps, my dreams tonight will give me further insight into this issue. This has to go deeper than feelings of betrayal, disappointment, and lack of fulfillment. I just don’t know what they are.

Today’s Jackie-ism

Talking about salt water taffy:

“I like the white ones, the kind that tastes like Christmas.” 

translation:  I like the peppermint flavored ones

Dreams

I’m dreaming like crazy still.  Unfortunately, I think I have dream overload, because most mean nothing.  I should have been writing them up as I went along, but didn’t want to interrupt the other things I wanted to talk about.  Since these are long, I’ll just post them behind a cut.

Money…

It’s funny how the tides change.  We’ve been struggling to get our deposit out of our old management company for the past two weeks.  It’s been around 57 days since we turned in our keys, well past the 30 day requirement.  And the past 2 weeks they’ve given us the same bs answer of the check being in the mail, basically, when it isn’t.
So today, I gave them a paper saying they have 10 days to get us our deposit our we’re suing them.  Needless to say, that made the office person pretty angry.  She said if we’re going to pull this crap on them, then I need to move my vehicle, which I already had made arrangements to take care of.  However, it wasn’t abandoned because we left it in the care of our old neighbors.  And, since it wasn’t an issue of contention, then it’s pointless.  But, I put it on craigs list and had it sold within minutes.  We just got back from selling it.  He seemed to be a very nice guy.  And we had enough money to buy cigarettes and food for the weekend (though we had plenty of food, that was never a problem).

Earlier today I cashed in our pennies.  I counted out $2 worth, and guessed it to be around $5.  So I went to the bank, and lo a behold, it was exactly $5!  How neat!

And then, tonight, I check my aol mail.  My mom sent me $50 to pay for the greatly discounted copy of microsoft office through school, though that’s only $30.  My mom just can’t help but to give money.  I wish I could just give it back…some day I’ll be able to pay her back and then some.  Though I’m sure she’ll still give me money.  lol, some habits die hard.

So, knowing my bank is in the negative, I checked it to see if I could transfer the money from paypal or not.  And suprise suprise, I got paid!  This is a full day earlier than the earliest I expected it.  Woohoo!  Well, when it rains it pours, and this was probably all just backed up, waiting for me to let it just enter my life.  All I could do was laugh. 

So hooray!  Now it’s just a matter of getting financial aid soon.

Once a Marine…

Today, in the hall, there was an army guy in cammies. Before I even thought about it, in my head I said “get a haircut”. And then I laughed, glad I didn’t say it out loud. Hehehe…what’s so hard about getting a haircut so you don’t look like an idiot? Just another way in which the Marine Corps never leaves you.

frustrating dreams

Wow, I hate when life sneaks into dreams when life is frustrating.  I’ve been getting annoyed with certain individuals online that misunderstand homosexuality, and thus are quite negative and even hateful.  It drives me nuts only because as potential Jedi they should have some compassion, and seek to education themselves, not fall into what their narrow political party tells them.  That’s the farthest thing from knowledge, and in my opinion the worst kind of ignorance because it’s arrogant and disguised as truth.

Anyway, so last night there were two people in my dreams that were highly annoying.  One was a very homophobic person who kept trying to emotionally hurt me.  But it didn’t get to me, I just laughed and moved on.  There was a woman who apparently really liked me, there was this crazy moment like in the movies where you leave them somewhere and they run after you and there’s a big hug.  I know, bizarre.  So most of the time we just walked around and didn’t let this other woman bother us.  I say woman, but we were all young, like our 20’s.  Anyway…there’s a wierd situation that happens later where the tormenter makes a comment that makes it sound like they were abused and thus real skittish about lots of things.  But I don’t know for sure.

The other person was a very random character.  I think I was in a bar type place, and this person was just freaking out, like a pent up bottle of rage.  He kept threatening to hit me, so I’m trying to calm him down, but keep my guard up.  I was real paranoid about getting hit.  So I finally grab his arm and put him into an arm bar to try to get him to chill out.  I ended up using a few moves I learned in the short aikido class I took a while back, and it worked.  This is important because usually in dreams I’m completely ineffectual against others.  I hit them, kick them, nothing.  But the aikido stuff, imobilizing the person, that worked.  Maybe that’s the message I should have noticed before, that for me, direct fighting doesn’t work.  So I’m going to look into the aikido options and see what I can do.

I can’t remember much else of the dreams, but I think I learned a bit anyway. 

sleepy

I guess 3 hours of sleep doesn’t take you very far, though I’m pretty impressed I made it this far.  My paper is done, though I have to proof read it.  I’m sure I’ll find some bizarre typos tomorrow, but that’s ok.  At least it’s done, and only part half assed…so three quarter assed I guess.  Just one more day of presentations, and this class is over!  Woohoo!

sleep…i want sleep…at midnight, crazy…

insecurities

I’m not often an insecure person, at least online.  I can get shy in person, if I’m talking about something real personal, but otherwise I can usually talk about things without trouble.  I’ve gotten to the point where I can tell Carrie pretty much anything, and can tell my friends how much they mean to me, at least when writing.  But there’s one person in my life that throws that progress all out the window.

Why is it that we (meaning me) are so afraid to tell those who are closest to us that they’re important?  I mean, even right now I don’t say her name, and why?  Man, this is annoying, and yet, amusing at the same time.  Aren’t our loved ones supposed to support us, and love us in spite of our issues?  Shouldn’t the be the very people we talk to about things?  It’s a crazy situation, to feel more comfortable telling anyone else.

Perhaps it has to do with my upbringing.  My family didn’t talk much about feelings.  I don’t know that it would matter if we had though.  Or maybe I’m just not giving myself time to grow into that ability.  I hope that, by the time we have kids, I can tell them I love them without feeling wierd.  Or tell my friends that they’re important to me.  In person.  Out loud.  I have to be specific, or I’ll find loopholes for myself, like handing them a letter or poem.

Tonight I emailed a poem I wrote back in september of last year about five women who are really important in my life. All but one read it right after I wrote it, because I felt it was important to tell them.  It’s part of that honesty thing I’m working on.  But Holloway (there, said her name lol) was out of contact.  I remembered the poem over the weekend and sent it tonight.  Even as I wrote the email I felt this blockage in my throat that prevented me from saying anything actually important.  I hate that feeling.  I’m blocking myself, and it takes a lot to push through that.  It’s like a brick wall that I have to take down brick by brick.  Tonight I took a few more bricks down.  I hope to take most of them down with this trip to visit her.  I don’t usually advocate this, but there will be alcohol involved in knocking down a lot of them.  But by the end of the trip, I want to be to the point of talking while sober.  What a concept, eh?

It’s just amazing to me how many old issues that I had forgotten about popped up these past few days.  But it’s good for me, really…I’ll have to keep telling myself this, but it really is.  These issues serve no purpose. And life is so much easier when it can move smoothly, rather than force it’s way through blockages.  I don’t want blockages any more.  So here we go…moving forward, as uncomfortable and scary as it is.

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