The consequences of helping
30 March 2006 — butchjaxThis is an idea I've been sitting on for a couple of weeks. For those of you who haven't played Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II, there is this theme that runs throughout the game regarding the consequences of helping. They give a few reasons for this.
1. By helping, you rob the individual of the experience that comes from struggling through a problem. In the game, this shows itself after you rescue the wife of a refugee. The Jedi claims you rob the man of the struggle he would have gone through fighting to get to her. However, I will completely argue that he would probably have just been killed or captured, putting him in a worse state. So in that case I have no qualms helping, even though this is a video game. However, I can see how giving someone too much can hinder rather than help. It's at that point you become an enabler, which is worse than not helping at all.
I'm really not sure how this concept with show itself in my life yet. However, I have been keeping it in mind more. I hope that when situations arise I will have the wisdom to distinguish when I am helpful and when I am an enabler so I can make the proper decision.
2. You don't know what chain of events you will trigger by helping someone. In the game, the example involves giving a refugee some money, who is then mugged around the corner, putting them in a worst state than they started with. And tonight, watching the L word season finale, a sad chain of events comes about because of one person's overhelping.
(spoiler warning)
Shane and Carmen are in Canada to get married. Helena is paying for everything, which makes her mother less than happy. Shane met her father for the first, or one of the few times just a week before and invites him up. At the ski lodge, Helena tells him that if they need anything, to just ask. Well, apparently he tells some crap story about wanting to buy a wedding gift and having no money, so she gives him $10,000. Later that night, on the way to the ceremony, Shane sees her father leaving the bar with some random woman, who is not his wife. He tells her that he can't help it, it's just who he is. Since this triggers a deep fear in herself that she can't stay faithful, she bails on the wedding, leaving everyone, especially Carmen, heartbroken. After the wedding Helena finds out that it was her money that caused this all to go to hell, which shocks her. Thankfully her mother decided to cut her off from the family money so she learns to interact people without spending large amounts of money. She's learned the lesson of overhelping (I hope) and now needs to learn the other lesson; people will still like you without money. 
Overhelping is a lot to think about, and important to think about. I think it shows just how important it is to learn to listen to our gut. Even if I don't seem to be able to consciously. That doesn't mean it isn't important to try! For me, the option of not helping is not one I will take, because helping others makes me feel good and it puts forth in the universe what I want to come to me. But I don't want to contribute to a train wreck because I helped when it wasn't actually helpful.
I think it's time set my intention to gain wisdom. What do you think about all of this?
31 March 2006 at 01:03
philosophically, this is a spiral that will end up in meaninglessness. there is absolutely no way to know how our actions, especially good ones, will impact the future. to put fear into our good works, is less than helpful because our lack of action could have negative effects as well. plus, who’s to say that a result is a good one or bad one for the person receiving the help. it’s an unsolvable problem.
since that is the case, my default is that relationship and journey are more important than actions, deeds, and results. instead of giving someone a handout, be present to their situation and journey with them to whatever end comes their way.
31 March 2006 at 01:09
While it’s true that this is a never ending spiral (if we make a decision entirely on logic) that doesn’t mean we should’t keep it in mind. It’s blindly helping others, or so we think, that causes so much trouble. So being aware of the other side of helping can do a lot of good all by itself.
I do agree with you that being present with someone is quite valuable. Sometimes I don’t have money for the homeless people, but instead we have a conversation, which seems to make their day just the same. Treating people like humans rather than animals can do that!
31 March 2006 at 02:29
i was jus wondering if all these complicated things happen?!
2 April 2006 at 11:54
All and all trust your heart. Maybe the initial “reaction” to help will be negative, but you are yet to see the long term effects. Possibly you or the other individual will learn from the experience and be better in the long run.I agree about enabling. I’ve done it myself; but it’s a lesson learned for both of us. I know in the future that my help may be guidance not money, and they know that they are reassured that they have some sort of help when needed.Trust your heart, and don’t hesitate to do good.
2 April 2006 at 16:43
Hell Boy,
This stuff absolutely happens in real life. But it can be hard to see how things happen because we rarely see all of the links in a chain of events. It’s a lot easier to see instances of enabling in our families.
For instance, my wife comes from a family of addicts. Her father has never really learned to take care of himself, which is why his life is constant turmoil and pain. If you give him money, it will either go to food, alcohol, or drugs. Take your pick. Allowing him to buy these things is enabling him not only to avoid his life, but it could possibly kill him due to his health problems. He almost died a few weeks ago because someone enabled him. So this is a very real lesson that shows up in everyone’s lives.
If parents give their children everything they ever ask for, they will not be able to take care of themselves, and will have crippled them instead of helping them. If a parent helps their kid with homework by doing the homework for them, the child never learns and can quickly end up too far behind to catch up. Again, you are not helping, but harming.
Mwgrl, you make a good point. In the end, I believe every experience is invited by us, created by us, and teaches everyone involved something. However, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to avoid situations that are harmful, right?