The consequences of helping

This is an idea I've been sitting on for a couple of weeks.  For those of you who haven't played Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II, there is this theme that runs throughout the game regarding the consequences of helping.  They give a few reasons for this.

1.  By helping, you rob the individual of the experience that comes from struggling through a problem.   In the game, this shows itself after you rescue the wife of a refugee.  The Jedi claims you rob the man of the struggle he would have gone through fighting to get to her.  However, I will completely argue that he would probably have just been killed or captured, putting him in a worse state.  So in that case I have no qualms helping, even though this is a video game.  However, I can see how giving someone too much can hinder rather than help.  It's at that point you become an enabler, which is worse than not helping at all.  

I'm really not sure how this concept with show itself in my life yet.  However, I have been keeping it in mind more.  I hope that when situations arise I will have the wisdom to distinguish when I am helpful and when I am an enabler so I can make the proper decision.   

2.  You don't know what chain of events you will trigger by helping someone.   In the game, the example involves giving a refugee some money, who is then mugged around the corner, putting them in a worst state than they started with.  And tonight, watching the L word season finale, a sad chain of events comes about because of one person's overhelping. 

(spoiler warning) 

Shane and Carmen are in Canada to get married.  Helena is paying for everything, which makes her mother less than happy.  Shane met her father for the first, or one of the few times just a week before and invites him up.  At the ski lodge, Helena tells him that if they need anything, to just ask.  Well, apparently he tells some crap story about wanting to buy a wedding gift and having no money, so she gives him $10,000.  Later that night, on the way to the ceremony, Shane sees her father leaving the bar with some random woman, who is not his wife.  He tells her that he can't help it, it's just who he is.  Since this triggers a deep fear in herself that she can't stay faithful, she bails on the wedding, leaving everyone, especially Carmen, heartbroken.  After the wedding Helena finds out that it was her money that caused this all to go to hell, which shocks her.  Thankfully her mother decided to cut her off from the family money so she learns to interact people without spending large amounts of money.  She's learned the lesson of overhelping (I hope) and now needs to learn the other lesson; people will still like you without money. 

Overhelping is a lot to think about, and important to think about.  I think it shows just how important it is to learn to listen to our gut.  Even if I don't seem to be able to consciously.  That doesn't mean it isn't important to try!  For me, the option of not helping is not one I will take, because helping others makes me feel good and it puts forth in the universe what I want to come to me.  But I don't want to contribute to a train wreck because I helped when it wasn't actually helpful.  

I think it's time set my intention to gain wisdom. What do you think about all of this?

Varb

Since I'm going to spend tomorrow catching up all the housework (laundry!!!) and catching up research, I'd like to invite people who are strolling by to explore a bit, and then submit a varb ranking.  Granted, I think everyone's scale of 1 to 10 is different, so I don't put a lot of stock in it, but I'm a bit curious. And it may encourage people to browse through some older stuff. Just realize, a lot of the older stuff is not categorized, as I imported in from blogger, and it takes forever to categorize things.

actually working

I just wanted to say that I'm in crunch mode now, and am working really hard on my mid term that's due thursday.  I'll update again thursday since I doubt I'll have time before that.  

If you're bored, and need something to read, dig through the archives :-) 

When old beliefs collide with new

The transition between old and new can be difficult, when a situation pops up that pushes both of them.  I'll try to explain, without incriminating the person involved, because it's not necessary.  This isn't about that person, but about me and my beliefs.  

 

Growing up, I believed in what the church taught about sex, which is to not have it before marriage.  It was a very convenient belief for me.  It allowed me to have an excuse not to really date, though deep inside I had to know that it wasn't right for me, well, sex with boys at least.   Also, I have this assumption that older guys with teenage girls are doing it for some wrong reasons.  Some get a kick out of virgins, some find it easier to manipulate the youngins, which I think is a common issue.  It's also why we have statutory rape laws (one reason at least).  So that's my old issues.

 

As I've learned now in my spiritual pursuits, that all our rules around sex are pretty arbitrary, and meant for control in the end.  That includes teenagers (who are having sex anyway, because it's natural and all that), and even if the teenagers have sex with someone too old for them.  If they are both consenting, and not meaning harm (which excludes those people who manipulate to get laid for example) then there's nothing wrong with it.  

 

But herein lies the problem.  When someone, say your child, or a friend, or a student, tells you that they had sex, with someone you feel is too old for them, how do you react?   Well, I luckily had the advantage of being online, so there was space and some time to ponder.  But, I did get the strangest feeling ever in my head.  When I read the words, it was like a grey fog rolled into my forehead.  I really don't know why, since you wouldn't expect a reaction there, but maybe in the gut.  I don't know that I'll know why it hit there, but I have some theories.  I'm going to keep them private though, out of respect.  

 

So after the physical reaction, there is the confusion, of why the hell did you think that was a good idea?!  Lol, because, even though there's nothing 'wrong' with it, I think most times young people don't understand the implications that comes with having sex.  I don't know that any of us know them half the time, but our emotions can get pretty crazy.  It can complicate a relationship, especially if things don't go as well as people hoped.   And in the worst case scenario, there can be condom failure which brings about children or stds.  So it's a risk physically and emotionally.  

 

All of these things were running through my mind, including the issue of any older guy having sex with a teenager.  At what point did that not trigger big red flags?!  I remember being that age, and I lost my mind one night and started something that I quickly bailed on, with a friend who was 15 at the time.  I was 21.  Afterwards, I had quite a talking to from myself, because even though she was sexually experienced, we were in two different places.  I, as the older, more responsible one (you would hope) needed to set the example and control myself.  Believe me, part of me didn't want to stop, but it was the right thing to do.  No real good would have come from it beyond that night, and that's not fair to anyone.  So when others don't think about the reality of the situation before them, it makes me want to slap them up a bit.  

 

However, in the end, I do accept and understand that it is the individual's choice to make.  I can put forth things to think about, but I can't force a person to make a choice that I think is better.  And hell, in the end, I don't know if my idea is better.  However, I do know there is a lot less risk in my 'less teenage sex' plan.  I know that it can suck, but hell, I didn't get sexually involved with people really until I was 19, and she ended up being my wife a few years down the road.  But, that's made a lot easier when people masturbate more.  I mean, our bodies enjoy sexual release, and it can be very healthy and help keep us in balance energetically.  To tell kids to have no sex and not masturbate is just stupid and creating sexually unhealthy people.  But I digress.

 

Now that time has passed, I'm more and more ok with the situation.  I don't like it really, but I understand it.  I'm not too old that I forget what those times are like.  And hell, once I had this whole gender thing figured out, I didn't really have any rules as far as sex went.  If I wanted to, I did.  If I didn't, I tried to find an easy out.  :-)  But I was also an adult, and could keep my emotions in check better than when I was a teenager and a bit lost as far as emotions and sexuality were concerned.  Ok, so maybe I'm not completely through working on this issue, but I'm getting there.  In another 20 years when my kids are having sex, I think I might have it down by then so I don't go off!  hahaha 

Concepts of light and dark

The other day my wife and I were discussing the concepts of light and dark in relation to our behaviors. One common analogy that floats around is using paint. You start with white paint. If you were to intruduce black paint to it, there is no amount of white paint you could add that would make it purely white again. The contamination remains. There are a few ways to look at this concept. Some people use this to say why people can't move beyond who they are, they will always be stained by their past. My wife, however, uses it to say your past is always with you, as a lesson and a reference. (I'm paraphrasing). And that's certainly a more healthy way to look at it, because your past is not a hindrance nor an excuse. But I think there is another way to look at it, and that's using light rather than paint.

Personally I prefer the light analogy, otherwise I probably wouldn't have thought about it! So instead of viewing yourself as paint, think of yourself as a light with a dimmer switch. We start off in this life glowing brightly, full of love and life. As we grow up, we make choices that either reinforce our brightness or choices that turn our dimmer switch so we are less bright. These choices shouldn't be looked at as good or bad, but rather what is going to further us on our personal path through life, or restrict it. These choices are very individual and depend on the path that was drawn out before incarnating in this lifetime.

As time goes on, some of us make a lot of choices that send us in the exact opposite direction of where we want to go. This manifests in all sorts of life troubles, and eventually in our dimmer switch being turned all the way down, until you can only see the light if you look very closely at it. I'm going to claim that you can't turn it off, or you'd be dead. So at this point, if you've got yourself here, it would feel pretty darn dark, and you may forget that there is a flicker of light burning inside of you, just waiting to be turned on!

The thing is, that light is always there, and you can always decide to make better choices, which in turn slowly turn your switch up. The more you make choices that match your life path, the brighter your light becomes. With vigilance I believe you can turn that dimmer switch so that it is full on, just like when we came into this world. We may not stay there, because every moment we make new decisions. But our past decisions do not have to leave us sitting in the dark. As long as we make new decisions, the light will always and absolutely return. There is no tainting, no stains, every day is a fresh start if you choose to make it. And if not, then do it the next day! The only 'punishment' is that you'll sit in your darkness for another day.

This is the analogy I'm going to stick with for a while. I don't know if other's will like it. There are people who really prefer to view themselves as imperfect and unable of reaching happiness, joy, and love. But in time they will learn that those views are untrue. If not in this life, then when they return Home to whatever the afterlife is. (see here)

Some people may say this is a fluffy bunny outlook, but it is not. I am not advocating ignoring, hiding, or running from your past. I simply do not wish to see others imobilized by their pasts. You can choose to live the way you've lived your entire life, or you can choose to make new choices. They are not always easy. In fact, most of them are very hard to stick to. But we keep trying, and before too long real change comes. In the end the choice is up to you.

It’s a miracle!

Seriously.  I just went to Central Market, because I’m desperate for some real relief from this allergy problem.  I took a risk and got this homeopathic stuff called Allergena (grasses, trees, weeds).  It’s a liquid that you put under your tongue.  First off, the stuff tingles pretty good, but it doesn’t taste very bad.  And I swear to God, I have the most relief I’ve had since this all started last week, and it was instantaneous.  It took a bit to sink in, but I realized I could breathe, and it didn’t hurt in my sinuses!  I tried to get Carrie to try it, but she’s got so much medication in her system that she didn’t want to risk it.  But this is seriously working, where double zyrtec, tylenol, and sudafed didn’t.  I’m so freakin happy right now!!!!

If you’re suffering from pollen allergies, get this stuff, right now.  You won’t regret it!

What if allergies aren’t a bad thing?

Since I’ve been living in allergy hell for the past few days, I’ve been thinking about allergies.  I can see how allergies in general are considered bad.  They mess with our systems and make us quite uncomfortable for a while.  But I wonder, as far as our long term health is concerned, could allergies be useful?  To clarify, I’m talking about environmental allergies, not food allergies which can kill you.  Obviously that’s a negative.

Right now my body is completely rejecting what I thought was mold, though I’m not sure.  I looked at the pollen history online and it looks like oak could be the culprit!  Grrr…and I like oak trees!  Anyway, I digress.  My question is, what if over time these pollens and mold spores are harmful to our body?  Then, our annoying allergic reactions would actually be helpful to our overall health.

In any case, I’m also wondering whether I should be boosting my immune system to deal with this.  Aren’t allergies an immune reaction to something seemingly benign?  Then boosting the immune system would be a bad idea, right?  I wonder if anyone has studied this…

As always, if anyone has any gut feelings on this matter, because I’d love to hear them.

Bat rescue

So tonight I was semi-responsible for rescuing a lost little bat that found itself in RLM.  I’m guessing it was chasing a bug when the doors opened and it ended up indoors.  The way RLM is set up, there are escalators that go from 4th floor (ground level) to 7th, so there’s an easy way to fly upwards.  But once you hit 7th, it’s practically impossible to go up anymore.  Hence, a lost bat.

The first problem that presented itself was, who do you call about a bat in a building?  Inside the classroom is a list of numbers, but mostly for tech stuff.  So I called the campus police, who forwarded me to some other emergency maintanance group or something, who then forwarded to issue to animal people.  While waiting I tried to convince it to fly into a classroom, which would at least narrow down where it could fly, but that didn’t work.  A few times it managed to grab the ceiling and rest, and that was fun to watch.  I don’t think I’ve ever watched a bat this close for this long.

After 25 minutes or so a guy came up the escalator with a net, which I assumed was the bat catcher.  Luckily, the bat took that time to rest on the ceiling so he got it right away.  Of course then the bat didn’t want to leave the net, but it was fun to watch.  Apparently the guy had just rescued a bat from the music building too.  Silly bats!

Now for the synchronicity part of this.  Normally I’m real big on the students handing in their labs on time, which would be by 7.  Tonight I let them work, and I had just one student there till 7:20.  Had I not let him work, I wouldn’t have been there when the bat flew up, and wouldn’t have been able to call.  Who knows what would have happened otherwise.  So I’m glad I didn’t worry about time tonight so I could watch the bat.  :-)  What’s wierd though, is when this stuff happens, I’m never conscious of making a choice.  I don’t get this gut feeling that I should stick around, or hear a voice or anything.  It’s just something I do for seemingly no reason.  So it appears that I do listen to my gut, but it’s so subconscious that I never know it.  I’ll have to think about what that means later.  I need to reserve brainpower for my midterm.

Allergies and exams

When it gets wet in Texas, my life sucks.  lol  My head is pounding just enough to annoy me, and my nose goes from stuffed to draining.  Hopefully I’ll shake it soon, because I need a clear head.  We got our stat mech midterm today, and it’s truly evil.  Which means, this week will be light as far as blogging goes, unless I need a stress release.  Actually, it seems every time I say this, I blog more than usual.  But we’ll see.  In any case, my goal is to clear my head enough to think.  If it doesn’t improve I’ll just go to bed after grading and hit it hard tomorrow.

Our anniversary 20 March 2004

I almost didn’t post this, but realized I should mention it at least. Today is our second wedding anniversary. We don’t actually celebrate it, because to us it was just a formality. Besides, two years sounds so lame when you’ve really been together for almost 7. So we celebrate the day we got together, which was august 15, 1999. See, that sounds so much better!
In any case, here’s a picture (click for larger image) from our wedding day up in Thunder Bay, Ontario. I highly recommend getting married in a conservatory if you’re having a small wedding. It’s so beautiful and full of life in the middle of winter!