holding hands with a tree

Tonight, while waiting for my bus, I was sitting on the bridge wall when I noticed a tree branch right next to me. I reached out to touch it, and then I saw a branch even closer to me. Isn't it funny how that works! The branch was at the perfect place so that I could just hold it in my hand and sit there without having to hold my hand up. I sat there, holding onto the skinny branch for some time, just enjoying it. I never knew holding hands with a tree could be so fun! And that's really what it felt like, even though it was just a skinny branch. Skinny as it was, it was the very end of a huge branch, and a giant tree who's clearly enjoyed living on the banks of a stream. I was suprised how much life I felt, even though outwardly the tree is dormant in the short Texas winter. My hand was vibrating at the presence of the branch. I quickly felt myself swell with love, a sense so much larger than my body. I even tried melding with the tree, shifting my consciousness over into the tree itself, though I could only imagine it rather than truly experience it. Even so, there was no mistaking the grand feeling of love I experienced. A moment in time that was truly wonderful…

Decisions

I'm really starting to think that I need to find a new martial art. I left class tonight just depressed. I missed all last week due to being sick, and part of the week before because I had other things to do. Tonight sensei wanted to talk to the people who weren't at class last week. I just reminded him I was sick and he was fine. The problem is that it isn't his place to decide how much time we devote to karate. I am a graduate student, which takes a huge chunk of time, and I'm a wife who needs to spend time with her wife. On the grand list of priorities, it's definately after school, Carrie, meditation (Wild Divine), my family…basically I'm just trying to maintain right now so I don't have to start all over when I finally have a little time. However, I don't think I like the club. I really miss my old dojo, and I never felt like I was doing something wrong for choosing school over karate.

My other issue is that I think my beliefs are changing. I don't know that a strength based martial art is what I need anymore. At first I liked that it was fewer techniques but you learned body control and how to focus all your muscles to maximize power. The implication is that you use that maximum power if you are attacked. I don't think I have the heart to hurt someone like that, even if they're trying to hurt me. Besides, there's so little practicality in this that I don't feel I could do shit if I were attacked. I'd just rely on my self defense from what I studied as a kid. I'm thinking I might make the switch to aikido, which lines up with my belief structure far more. I'm not going to decide until after this semester, but it's hard. I don't like to be looked at like I'm less than someone else because they come all the time. But the other students in the class aren't first or second year graduate students! In undergrad it wasn't so hard to balance courses, and once you're done with the first two graduate years it isn't so bad either. I just don't want to deal with this anymore. Besides, it's a huge time commitment that could be spent at home with carrie. I can still work out by riding our bike and hitting the punching bag, plus I can play drums. But there's no one to give me crap for not going to something.

I'm willing to admit part of this mood is due to my low energy night, still recovering from being sick and not getting enough sleep. That's why I'm not making an immediate decision. But this has been bugging me for a while, so I think it's time to make a decision. Soon…

journey log

Tonight I didn't play as long, though I forgot to check what time I started. I set out to try the celestial theater since I was unable to do it last time. I succeeded three times, though I'm still not sure how because there isn't any guide for the heart breath. I focused on smoothing the transition between inhale/exhale, which seemed to be the missing piece. I think once I can do that consistently with the heart breath I will do better with the peaceful breath. It's still quite difficult for me, because I have to breath so painfully slow. The lungs are ok inhaling slowly, but the exhalation is difficult. Mentally I think start to worry that I'll never catch my breath, even though I am in control and won't just suffocate. It's very strange. I didn't do too many events because I'm quite tired and was dozing off for seconds even during the heart breath. So I think sleep would be a good idea instead of more playing. I can practice breathing in bed and just fall asleep.

Life and death

There's been a theme of death lately, though not in that foreboding way.
1. Next week is the 1 year anniversary of my grandfather's death. I didn't even realize it, time has passed so quickly. My grandma asked that anyone who could make it go to brunch, but clearly it's a bit too far from austin to wisconsin.

2. Carrie's dad has been told he won't make it to his birthday, which is either march or may 18th (we can't remember). He has a condition called factor 5 lyden that causes his blood to clot for no reason. He has blood clots all over his body. The spider veins in his stomach are blocked, and some have exploded so he is bleeding into his stomach. On top of that they found cancer in his stomach. I don't think he'll do chemo, because I think that will kill him faster. I expect he'll go suddenly one day from a stroke. We've been expecting this news for quite some time, so now it's just a matter of waiting until he's gone.

3. A guy I went to school with in Wisconsin died wednesday night from complications due to diabetes. He was only 28 (though I thought he was 31 or something…). His death has made a lot of people think, especially a good friend of mine who was his roomate. We haven't talked to her yet, but apparently she's working 18 hours a day to avoid going home. He was feeling sick since monday, but that's common in the winter when everyone has the flu and colds. And she feels if she could have just come home earlier from work she could have saved him. But then he probably would have sat in a diabetic coma for a few days before he died. The other aspect is that recently she called him an asshole, and I'm sure she's feeling bad about that. The thing is, the guy really was an asshole! I think it's interesting how people will all of a sudden refuse to say something bad about a person once their dead. I don't know if it stems from the idea the person is gone so we should feel bad for them or what, but I don't. I've never felt that we should speak differently of someone because they died. If it's truth, it's truth, plain and simple. The person who's dead doesn't care anymore, they are beyond this world. And if you hold something in, or add guilt to yourself for what you did say, all that does is add negativity to you. Definately not a positive thing. But hopefully she'll learn this once she slows down enough to think. In any case, I'm glad he went peacefully. I wonder what his soul set out to accomplish before he entered this world? Clearly he experienced all he needed to, it's just interesting. In any case, enjoy your freedom Eric. If you could, visit amanda while she's sleeping and tell her it's all ok.

To contrast, the life department has been fun the past two days. We went to home depot and bought plants! We now have a window planter with 4 clusters of chives, 2 bunches of cilantro, a dill, rosemary, and now 3 plants of basil. I also finally bought the appropriate soil for my jades and transplanted them. I have 3 larger trees (relatively speaking, they aren't large at all, less than an inch in diameter), 1 slightly smaller tree, and 3 leaves just sprouting a root system to start. I can't wait to see how those all work out! I cut them all back a lot because they had too many leaves to support thanks to my overwatering in the past year. I think they'll do much better now. So yes, it is february and we just planted herbs!!! Only in texas! But it's great. Now I'm going to return to my mini garden and finish my homework problem.

journey log

For the first time, I tried playing wild divine in the morning. It was…different. For one, it was very difficult to control my breathing today. Perhaps it is still being sick and wanting to cough half the time, or perhaps it's the larger amount of energy I have in the morning. In any case, definately not fun. However I did get a little better at the high energy events. I'm sticking to the Lion's breath technique, since that is a yogic technique rather than making up my own method. It does seem to work, though I'm still experimenting with it. I also worked on the heart breath more. It is a shorter breath than the peaceful breath, so it's more calming to me right now. The peaceful breath is hard because you are smoothing the transition between inhale and exhale, and the heart breath doesn't care about that as much.

So far I'm still happy with this game. I wish it were more linear, leading us through a progression that would build skills rather than the semi-free for all that exists now. However, there definately are certain skills that are learned before progressing in the game. So I guess I'm just wishing the AI wasn't AI, that I had an actual teacher working with me in real life. However I know that the master only comes when the student is ready. I'm surrounded by a wealth of information, and it is up to me to decide to apply it. This game is a good start for me, because I'm making the effort to play it nightly which is definately more meditating than I've ever done. I've found places in the game that you are simply looking out into the distance, with no event, and I believe those are meant for simply meditating. I think I'll try that soon.

Tonight I'm doing my Jackson EM homework outside. The weather is awesome, around 60 degrees with fog and some light rain, and I just love the feeling. I get fresh, cool air and moisture. Plus I'm surrounded by the plants we just bought yesterday. So while my homework is still a little tricky, I feel calm due to the environment around me. Isn't that the point though? To apply spirituality to everything we do to live a more calm and happy life. I don't remember being very stressed at all this week, and that's definately a first, considering I was also sick! This game may have been the key that unlocks a whole new progression for me.

Spirituality course: week 0

The first assignment for anyone wishing to seriously explore and to personally live the New Spirituality will be to go within.

Begin a schedule of daily practice in meditation, deep prayer, silent listening, whatever you are comfortable with. You can begin this right now, this instant. Fifteen minutes in the morning and fifteen minutes at night can change your life…

…Second, exercise your body. Your mind does not fully and easily take in new data if your body is lumping through the day. If you are not on a regular exercise regimen, establish one now. This is something you can do within the next twenty-four hours. Twenty minutes a day used in this way can change your life…

…Third, eat well. You are dulling your mind and killing your body with what you are ingesting. This effect is slow, and it is insidious. You do not know it is happening until it has happened, and then to reverse it becomes extremely difficult…

…Fourth…Seek, on a regular basis, spiritual inspiration and sustenance for your soul. Find a way to recognize - that is, to re-cognize, to know again - the sacredness of all life, and to honor that which is divine, and which is divinely inspired.
Do this in whatever way feels fitting to you.

…When Life, rather than Instant Gratification, becomes your Prime Value, you will know that you have become truly spiritual…

- Tomorrow's God, Neale Donald Walsch p 223-228 (excerpted)
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If you have yet to take a meditation course, I recommend signing up for the course here. You will learn many different types of meditation, one of which will hopefully fit you. I personally prefer using a biofeedback computer game that gives me visual feedback and specific goals to reach. I can talk about this more later, or you can check out my blog for my training notes.

There's no specific homework for this post, but it would benefit you to incorporate some or all of these into your daily life. Feel free to include ways that you experience spirituality so we can all learn. Perhaps we'll all learn some new and interesting ways to experience the divine.

Spirituality course: week 7

Building on the last two weeks, this week the focus will be on remembering who we really are, which includes remembering who everyone else is. To illustrate, another story about the little soul.

The Little Soul and the Sun: part 2
There is a second half to the parable. Here it is:

"You may choose to be any Part of God you wish to be," I said to the Little Soul. "You are Absolute Divinity, experiencing Itself. What Aspect of Divinity do you now wish to experience as You?"

"You mean I have a choice?" asked the Little Soul. And I answered, "Yes. You may choose to experience any Aspect of Divinity in, as, and through you."

"Okay," said the Little Soul, "then I choose Forgiveness. I want to experience my Self as that Aspect of God called Complete Forgiveness."

Well, this created a little challenge as you can imagine.

There was no one to forgive. All I have created is Perfection and Love.

"No one to forgive?" asked the Little Soul, somewhat incredulously.

"No on," I repeated. "Look around you. Do you see any souls less perfect, less wonderfull than you?"

At this the Little Soul twirled around, and was suprised to see himself surrounded by all the souls in heaven. They had come from far and wide throughout the Kingdom, because they heard that the Little Soul hwas having and extraordinary conversation with God.

"I see none less perfect than I!" the Little Soul exclaimed. "Who, then, shall I have to forgive?"

Just then, another soul stepped forward from the crowd. "You may forgive me," said this Friendly Soul.

"For what?" the Little Soul asked.

"I will come into your next physical lifetime and do something for you to forgive," replied the Friendly Soul.

"But what? What could you, a being of such Perfect Light, do to make me want to forgive you?" the Little Soul wanted to know.

"Oh," smiled the Friendly Soul, "I'm sure we can think of something."

"But why would you want to do this?" The Little Soul could not figure out why a being of such perfection would want to slow down its vibration so much that it could actually do something "bad."

"Simple," the Friendly Soul explained, "I would do it because I love you. You want to experience your Self as Forgiving, don't you? Besides, you've done the same for me?"

"I have?" asked the Little Soul.

"Of course. Don't you remember? We've been All Of It, you and I. We've been the Up and the Down of it, and the Left and the Right of it. We've been the Here and the There of it, and the Now and the Then of it. We've been the Big and the Small of it, the Male and the Female of it, the Good and the Bad of it. We've all been the All of It.

"And we've done it by agreement, so that each of us might experience ourselves as The Grandest Part of God. For we have understood that…

"In the absence of that which You Are Not, that Which You ARE, is NOT."

"In the absence of 'cold,' you cannot be 'warm.' In the absence of 'sad,' you cannot be 'happy,' without a thing called 'evil,' the experience you call 'good' cannot exist.

If you choose to be a thing, something or someone opposite to that has to show up somewhere in your universe to make that possible."

The Friendly Soul then explained that those people are God's Special Angles, and these are the conditions of God's Gifts.

"I ask only one thing in return," the Friendly Soul declared.

"Anything! Anything!" the Little Soul cried. He was excited now to know that he could experience every Divine Aspect of God. He understood, now, The Plan.

"In the moment that I strick you and smite you," said the Friendly Sould, "in the moment that I do the worst to you that you could ever imagine - in that self-same moment…remember Who I Really Am."

"Oh, I won't forget!" promised the Little Soul. "I will see you in the perfection with which I hold you now, and I will remember Who You Are, always."

_____________
This ends the parable, but I want to include the next two paragraphs from the book to really sum it up
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That is…that is an extraordinary story, and incredible parable.

And the promise of the Little Soul is the promise I make to you. That is what is unchanging. Yet have you, My Little Soul, kept this promise to others?

No. I'm sad to say I have not.

Do not be sad. Be happy to notice what is true, and be joyous in your decision to live a new truth. For god is a work in progress, and so are you. And remember this always: If you saw you as God sees you, you would smile a lot.

So go now and see each other as Who You Really Are.
Observe. Observe. Observe.
I have told you - the major difference between you and highly evolved beings is that highly evolved beings observe more.
If you wish to increase the speed with which you are evolving, seek to observe more.

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From Conversations with God book 3 by Neale Donald Walsch, page 347 paperback edition

Homework: Choose 2 people in your life who you are not the most fond of. This could be someone who treats you poorly at school/work, someone in your family who you don't get along with…it doesn't matter. See if you can find what they're purpose is in your life, in light of this parable. Can you remember who they really are?

Spirituality course: week 6

Last week we discussed the idea of unity, and the largest implications of that concept, which is that we are all divine beings, or gods. In every spiritual discipline, gods are creative. They created the world, they created us, simply everything. We're not going to debate creation vs evolution or anything like that. Rather, this week is about remembering who you are as a creative being. This idea, more than any other, can be the most life changing because it reminds you exactly how in control of your life you are. Some of these ideas are going to be hard to hear, but if that is the case, explore why you are feeling resistance and lets talk about it. As always, much can be learned from disagreement.

The book I'm taking quotes from this week is called Ask and It Is Given by Ester and Jerry Hicks. I highly recommend it, and it gives you not only a good explanation of how creation works, but fun exercises to do to bring more of what you want into your life. So without further ado…

"You were born with the innate knowledge that you do create your own reality."
Think about any time someone in your life told you no. It doesn't matter whether you were 5 or 25, chances are you were annoyed (or perhaps a stronger emotion…) Our reactions show the conflict we are having with our souls, because our souls know that they create, which is something in fact they can't not do.

How does this work? The Law of Attraction. "That which is like unto itself is drawn." Lol, I know, it sounds awkward. So a little simpler; like attracts like. "Whatever you give your attention to causes you to emit a vibration, and the vibrations that you offer equal your asking, which equals your point of attraction." What this means is, you get whatever you put thought toward, whether it's something you want or not. This explains how things we worry about can come true, even if we don't want them to happen. If you are thinking about a negative event, you are putting those vibrations into the universe…and eventually the universe answers back with the event that matches your vibrations…and your worse fears come true. That may sound scary, but it's actually freeing. You're in control of creating your world, rather than being at the mercy of life. This control means you can bring wellness into your life also.

Of course there are some variables to this. For instance, something you think about briefly doesn't carry as much energy as something you put a lot of thought toward. So don't get down on yourself when you think of something you don't really want to think about. It's a matter of slowly changing how you think about your life. So don't dwell on your fears; "nothing can happen in your life without your invitation of it through your thought."

Another variable ties into our beliefs lecture. "Your desires and your beliefs must be a vibrational match in order for you to receive that which you desire." This could be a simple as believing that you deserve wellness! Or that it's possible to be content in life. These ideas come from many places, but in the end it's self-defeating and creates resistance.

"There is only a stream of well-being the flows. You can allow it or resist it, but it flows just the same." Therefore what we call 'bad things' are just the lack of well-being. There is no evil, just a resistance to good. There is no sickness, but a resistance to natural well-being. Thus, to change the life you are creating, you remove resistance and well-being naturally comes to you.

At this point I've put a lot of information out there, so I'd like to leave the rest to discussion and homework. For your homework, we'll look at the past and the future. First spend time looking back at your life. Look at both positive and negative events that have happened, and see if you can see what thoughts brought those events about. If you see any connections, that's great! If not, that's ok too. What matters is how you apply this information in your life. So the next part is application for the future. Pick something you truly want to see happen in your life. Be as specific as you like, but make sure you're specific enough to really visualize. Do you want a certain kind of career? To go to a certain school? Take some time to put positive energy toward that goal. If you feel any blockages, like doubt that you can do it, release them. Visualize yourself getting exactly what you want. After you do this, write a summary of what you did.

journey log

Tonight I explored a little more of the realm, trying to find what I'm supposed to do next to advance the story. In that exploration I tried to go to the celistial theater, which I couldn't figure out. All they say is to even out your energy and the levitators will form shapes of the universe…I don't know. In any case, I decided to bail and practice other things. I finally opened the door to the subtle body temple. It's really interesting, because it doesn't use the biofeedback sensors. I did the first two exercises. They're meant to awaken you to your subconscious body. I started to get it, but it wasn't what I wanted to work on. So I returned to the temple with the energy events and worked with the bow and arrow. I finally figured out that it alternates between wanting low and high energy. Low I can do, sometimes it takes a while, but I can do it. High…I just don't do it consistently. I get spikes, and that's it. Perhaps it is due to my illness? I'm going to explore the message boards and see if there are recommendations, but I'll probably just have to keep experimenting. I just think it's interesting that i can relax but not pump up my energy, except for short bursts, which is not what is required usually. However, I know once I start to figure this out I will be able to apply those skills to healing, which will be very useful.

New Journey events

Well, today was quite interesting. I decided to explore new areas today. It took me a long time to settle in and control my breathing. Being sick really isn't easy! Also, I realized last night that I've always meditated lying down due to my back, but when I play I am sitting up, which compresses the stomach and makes breathing slightly more difficult. However, I feel I'm improving greatly at my ability to control my breathing, and control the impulse to take one of those giant shoulder breaths that are merely there to stretch the muscles I believe. I definately feel calmer now, though I also feel tired, so I'm going to skip homework and go to bed. But first a little wrap up…

Even with lots of stress, I can let go of it with this game. Because you really have to control your breathing and energy level, you are forced to focus more. And with a goal in mind, it's easier to keep going towards the goal rather than give up. There are probably people who don't need this feedback and encouragement, but I sure do. This program was worth every bit of money I paid, and then some. It's making a huge difference for me. Since when have I ever sat down for an hour of meditation? Never! I can't even fathom it. Yet you sit in a meditative state of differing levels in this game and don't notice time passing. Amazing…