Yet another strange dream

Two nights ago, I had yet another strange dream. This dream was made stranger by the fact that my wife dreamt a very similar dream, with a different location but similar issue.

The dream begins randomly, with me being at a house with my cousin and her new husband, apparently about to begin their honeymoon, or just moving in…I don't know, it was random and wierd since they've been married a year now. There were wierd jokes or inuendos about them having sex the first time, and I have no idea why that was in the dream. I leave at one point, and decide to go back in for some reason. When I'm inside a large group of people begin to surround the house. It's quickly evident they are here for me, religious zealots out to kill the queer. I move throughout the house, confused for one because it's out of the blue, and because my cousin is there and she is clearly straight. I have to stay low because they have weapons, but aren't trying too hard to get in. At one point two people are trying to break in the door, but are also shooting pistols also. I actually make the decision to stay inside rather than slamming the door open in their face and fighting to the death. I knew that while I could take out one or two, the numbers would overwhelm me. I also decided not to shoot back at them, but rather moved to a back bedroom. There is a woman there, clearly one of the zealots, but not quite so bad. I ask her, what is it she wants? She mentions things involving values and morals or something, I don't remember exactly, but I tell her that's the same things I want. We begin to find some common ground. I remember not being scared. However there were people beginning to realize where I was in the house, so time was running short. I knew I had to convince her to convince the others to leave me be. It basically ended there, which may or may not be good. I wasn't really scared though, just a bit confused. I knew I made a difference with that one woman, so that gave me hope.

I don't really know where this dream came from. I think the time with the woman comes from something I read in Tomorrow's God (by Neale Donald Walsch) about zealots. Zealots are people who feel they are not being heard. Their beliefs are discounted, and therefore they are discounted, so they react zealously. The best way to deal with them is to just listen to them, talk to them, make them feel like they are worth listening to. And that's how I dealt with that woman in the dream. I'm really starting to think my dreams are where I act out my new beliefs and behaviors. Sometimes my dreams show me a behavior that isn't what I want to have, and then I'm allowed to correct my behavior through these situations before it is real life. Did that make sense? Basically my dreams are practice for real life. When I behave in a way that shows growth in my dream I take it as a sign that I have grown in my beliefs and behaviors. It's rare my dreams are truly scary, and when they are I don't remember them anyway, so I tend to really enjoy my dreams. Unfortunately I tend to oversleep then because I want to see how the dream plays out, which can take quite a few hits of the snooze alarm.

My wife dreamt similarly, that religious zealots were attacking her, but she was in a warehouse. That's all I know. I just wonder who started it, or if we were both tapping into something. Hopefully we never find out though…

More Dreams

I keep having dreams, which is normal I guess, but the fact that I remember large amounts of them is not. What's funny is my dreams have been very action-oriented.

Two nights ago was my first action packed dream. As always the beginning is fuzzy, but I know I was part of a group of people on a mission or quest. The first part I really remember is knowing we had to jump down from a building, and I was hanging off a window ledge with a small creature holding on to my leg. I had to make the decision to jump, but I knew somehow that I wouldn't be hurt, that physics would not behave the way I expect. It felt very strange to let go of the ledge, because I felt myself accellerate in slow motion. Then I was right, and we didn't ever hit anything, I just was in a different section all of a sudden. Then we are all running very fast in a building. It's like an office building or something similar. We're looking for something in the building, though I'm not sure what it was. As we're running we cross tape, like the tape they put at finish lines, except it was red. That was really wierd, and it set off some sort of alarm and people started to chase us. We ran around a corner, and there in front of us stands "the bad guy"! I'm in front, and stand as tall as my little 5'2" self can stand, and open my arms, holding the others back, trying to protect them and draw his attention to me. He's speaking, but I don't remember what about, and I'm just thinking that we only need to get to the end of the hall to get what we came for. It was wicked! Unfortunately that's where the dream ends. But I was the hero!

Definately a fun dream, and revolutionary in two ways. I was willing to trust my gut and let go of a window ledge, and I was the leader and tried to protect others. I know this is just a dream, but I do have some conscious control, so my willingness to do this is a sign that I'm making the appropriate changes to my life.

Last night's dream was also action packed, but funny to me. It's an OC dream, which means I am just a bit too obsessed! Anyway, the part that I remember involves myself, Marissa, and Ryan (characters from the show) We climb up a ladder which originally was going to put us on a roof, but instead we end up inside a barn. As I'm climbing the ladder I feel like there is tension between the three of us, but it's not discussed. After a little time up there, a guy that was supposed to be a character from the first season, but who doesn't look like that guy at all, starts to pick a fight. He appears to be drunk, and he's very large and intimidating. But then it gets fun! What appears at first to be Ryan attacking him (defending by attacking) ends up being me. I take a flying leap and kick him in the chest, but he's huge so this doesn't do as much as I'd like. I knew that going in though, so it wasn't a suprise. This guy catches me, and picks me up like he's going to body slam me, but we're also falling so I'm thrown against the wall. Unfortunately the wall is thin so I feel the wood start to give way. I yell for help, because falling out of the second story of a barn doesn't sound too fun. Ryan comes to my rescue and finishes off the ass kicking I assume. Afterwards we are lying around after all the excitement. Then the strangest comment of the dream; "you're tattoo looked awesome when you were fighting" What the fuck?! I think that just means I was kickass fighting, because that's the feeling I got after the comment, but it's still wierd. Where did my mind come up with that one?

One thing that may have influenced my dreams (though it's doubtful) is that I took a tincture called deep sleep. It has valerian and chamomile and some other things. Unfortunately I took more than I needed so I really overslept. However the sleep I got was amazing! We'll see if it matters tonight, since I only took a third of the dose last night. I also have the other influences of my period and the full moon, plus the new awareness I'm gaining spiritually. Maybe I'll get to keep having fun dreams like this! I really enjoy the adventure!

FO103: Dialogue: Self-Image

FO103: Dialogue: Self-Image

Since I'm about to head to bed, I'm just going to include the results of a few online self-esteem test. I'm doing my best to not taint them to the results I want them to have, but it's tough. Anway, here's my results.

Self Esteem Test
Self-esteem is essential to our ability to function in a healthy way. Without the foundation of a solid sense of self-worth, we are unable to take the risks and make the decisions necessary to lead a fulfilling, productive life. A low self-esteem corrodes our love lives, careers, family bonds, and, most importantly, our internal sense of well-being. A high self-esteem, on the other hand, brings the high level of confidence, problem-solving abilities, and assertiveness needed to achieve what Maslow called "self-actualization"- a continuous desire to fulfill potentials, to be all that you can be. People who have positive self-esteem have healthier, stronger relationships with others. Positive self-esteem is not to be confused with self-centeredness or acting superior, which are actually attempts to hide negative feelings of self. A strong sense of self-worth actually creates a type of self-fulfilling prophecy: the more you like yourself, the more you begin to act in likable ways; the more you believe you are able to achieve something, the more likely it is that you will.

Your score = 73

What does your score mean?

According to this test, you have a reasonably high level of self-esteem. There is, however, still some room for improvement.

Test Cafe
Are You Self-Confident?

In our daily lives, it becomes increasingly difficult to decipher our positive attributes, and even more difficult to pinpoint the areas which need attention. This test is designed to help you focus on problem areas in order to correct your self-image and express your true inner self.

Your Self-Esteem Weakness is what restricts your overall self-image and causes self-doubt. Knowing your greatest weakness allows you to notice and actively improve your perspective in that area - therefore increasing your overall self-esteem.

Your Self-Esteem Weakness is:
Rigidity

Utilizing your Self-Esteem Strength allows you to best achieve your goals and live free of self-doubt. Emphasizing your strength can help brighten your mood and may even improve your health.

Your Self-Esteem Strength is:
Shyness

What are the 8 Self-Esteem categories?
1. Procrastination - Is low self-esteem causing you to put off doing things that are most important to you?
2. "Shoulds" - Do you need a relentless moral list to dictate your every move?
3. Rigidity - Do you live in a rut because you are too afraid of failing?
4. Overgeneralization, Global Labels & Polarized Thinking - Does low self-esteem cause you to catastrophize and use the worst labels you can think of?
5. Self-blame and Personalization - Is everything your fault and everyone out to get you?
6. Shyness - Is your fear of being judged by others keeping you from making new friends?
7. Relationships - Is low self-esteem keeping you from having meaningful relationships?
8. Self-acceptance - Does rejection of who you are have you in an adversarial relationship with yourself?

I'm not sure how shyness is a self-esteem strength…maybe someone else can enlighten me on that one! But rigidity makes complete sense and it is something I've been working on for a while now.

Another test
Thank you for completing Self-Esteem Test
Your Score is 42 out of 50
Wow! You really rock!

Lol, that's quite amusing, and there's a pretty picture of forest on the results page. yay!

Well that's good enough for now, so I'm going to bed.

found?

Tonight I finally found someone I've been looking for since we left California in 1999. Well, I found her parents at least, assuming the phone number is still valid. I do this all the time, try to find old friends using the interent. It's amazingly hard, if you don't want to spend money. It seems the people I want to find do not want to be found easily, as they don't show up by googling, or white pages searching. Hopefully I'll be able to call them soon and at least know a few things about my friend and her family.

I'm not sure if it's healthy, my occasional obsession with people from my past. Most of the time I'd just be happy knowing how life is turning out for them, not necessarily needing to talk to them personally. Other times I really miss these people being in my life and would like to speak to them again. I know I should just let the past go, in all forms, and focus on the present, but it can be difficult. Mostly because I don't think I want to let go yet, not until I learn a few things. I've found that once I resolve old situations with people I am able to let go and move on. I did it with an ex, who I succesfully found through google. We simply updated each other, apologized for being assholes to each other, and moved on. Now I'm finally free of that. It's just something that happened. I don't really have other situations like that, but I'd just like to know that my old friend are ok and doing well in their lives. Perhaps I should just try trusting that they are ok. That would probably make all the difference in the world.

another military dream

It seems my dreams want to continue moving forward. Last night it appears I went to war. I don't know where we were, just that it was wooded, deciduous forests that is. And I had the impression we were fighting some Asian culture, though I have no idea what one. It was kind of wierd. Early on we were learning how the enemy uses fake bombs to flush us out of our trenches and foxholes. First they lob blanks, and then real ones. I don't know, was this an effort to save money in war?! But we were supposed to stay put, basically sitting there to die in the event a real bomb hit. I wasn't too happy about this! Then the dream continues on, we're moving through the forest. At some point I learn that we are allowed to run from the bombs, but only if we are behind a ridge or something where the enemy can't see us run. Strange. At some point in the dream I ran into an old friend from my A and C MOS school, Scott Demoulin. He was in another unit, but we took a minute to talk. I also remember at some point mentioning that we're basically the front lines, because I was expecting us to be attacked from the rear, which is where we were currently. I don't know why I felt this way, but I had a strong sense that the enemy was coming from the rear. That was basically the dream. There was never any combat, just waiting. I know I talked to people a lot, because I kept waking up to hit the snooze alarm and was able to return immediately to the dream, which is wierd for me. Usually if I wake up my consciousness kicks in and I'm not able to return or even remember what was so vivid moments ago.

What will happen tonight? I'm a little worried, because if things continue on this path, I think I'm going to war! It's wierd, because I tend to have vivid dreams at this time, a few days before I start my period. But they're not usually war or military dreams. I don't know what this means, if anything. Hopefully it is just my thoughts being on the war more than other times. We'll have to wait and see.

a writing from unknown

I found this as I was sorting through old papers. I don't remember exactly where I read it, but it was back in 97 or 98 during my freshman year of college. I just think it's beautiful.

If I could smell her hair just once, kiss her lips just once, feel the touch of her hand just once, feel her breath upon me once and her body next to mine, I could spend an eternity being alone knowing that I had that one special time shared with her. - Unknown

Embrace the moments around you, you never know when they will be gone. When I was in boot camp, there were many nights it was hard to fall asleep. Even in my exhaustion I felt the loneliness that comes from living with 60 strangers and having no contact with loved ones. The thought I most often returned to was one special night with my now wife, then girlfriend. The simple act of lying in her arms was burned into my memory. At night I would close my eyes and remember as hard as I could how she felt, until I could almost feel her lying there with me, and I could fall asleep. We weren't together when I left for boot camp, and honestly had barely talked to each other since February when I broke up with her. Yet she was smart enough to get in touch with my mother through email and to write to me. Though nothing was really said, her first letter came at the perfect time, which was at the rifle range. I remember that time as the most difficult because we as a platoon were doing good and very bad things, which made life very emotional. And it was the official half way mark through bootcamp. I'll never forget the day I got her first letter, because it was such a suprise. I found a relatively quiet corner in the back of the squad bay and tried not to cry as I read the random comic strips she sent. I believe that first letter is what brought us to where we are today. If she hadn't found the courage to find a way to contact me, we may have never spoken again. Instead we began the long road to friendship and ultimately to marriage. Wow, all those memories from a single piece of paper with a simple little statement by an unknown author.

dreams

I've begun having military dreams again. I don't know what triggers them, which would be nice. It just seems like there are times in my life when the military looms large, taking over my dreams and causing me to wander on campus and wonder things about the ROTC program. The dreams have a common theme, where I join up, somehow (because I'm not allowed back in the military) and have to go get things. I'm in boot camp, but not really acting much like a recruit, forgetting to say recruit instead of personal pronouns, not necessarily doing the activities we did in boot camp, etc. But it's clearly boot camp.

Last night was a little different. I had to go to supply and give them a list of the gear I needed. Specifics I remember were a flashlight and LBV (load bearing vest) and canteens, though there was more. When I left supply everyone was gone, so I had to look for them. Eventually I see them in the tall grass practicing squad maneuvers, the kind where you are sneaking around and using hand signals and pretending your hands are your rifle rather than carrying it. That seems to be a theme occasionally, of going to boot camp and there being a war theme to it rather than the standard drill aspects. Does this mean I want to be back in, or that I believe I'll be back in at some point? I don't really know. It could just be old demons popping back up. Really hard to know at this point. Maybe it will all make sense some day.

Thank you, Ellis

Connections are made
across rooms, across time
when hearts open wide
to let others in.
As humans we search for them,
yearn for connectedness
and yet we run from the experience
afraid of the emotions
or afraid of what's next.
We let fear destroy connections
But no more.
I will not let fear destroy
a beautiful connection
a moment in time
where we just exist
let things be
connect to each other
love each other
without anything in between.

How many others feel the same?
Changed by the experience
with a special person
brave enough to open to us
allowing connections
if we have the courage to create them
All I can say is
Thank you

-Jackie Meyer, 2005

Ellis at Momo’s

Ellis is the most…words fail me. I've seen Ellis perform 4 times I believe, but tonight…tonight was just something special. It's impossible to put into words tonight's show, because it existed as pure emotion. More than once I felt as if I would cry, other times I would laugh out of joy, and still other times I simply felt connected. I thought my chest would explode twice. It was just amazing. I don't go to a ton of concerts, but most that I see are excellent. But tonight was an almost spiritual experience where I felt what she was feeling, or at least a taste of it. And she seemed to be feeling everything, more than any other show I've seen.

After the show I did my best to explain this, knowing that words really couldn't do justice. However I opened myself as much as I could, even saying that I really felt it tonight, and that it was really special. I've never opened up like that to someone after a show, but I had to give something back. Ellis is one of those people I would love to just sit and talk with, under a big oak tree Her wisdom shows through her songs, and I think I could learn a lot. Besides, she seems so eager to connect, conversations are just a joy.

Anyway, I urge everyone to check her out. Pay anything to see her if she comes to your town, you will not be disappointed.

Now this I didn’t know

SistersTalk

It's funny how in the aftermath of the election, all we hear about is morality determining everything, yet the above post clearly does not support that idea. If everyone voted on morality, and gay marriage specifically, there is no way all of the public supporters of gay marriage would have been re-elected in states that elected George Bush. Think on that for a while.