A fun morning

Peanut was particularly communicative this morning, and my wife was particularly sensitive, which created a rather fun morning. I made her an 8 am appointment for medication refills, which is rather early, but necessary so I didn’t miss much work. On the way, Peanut quickly discovered that momma was in the car with us! A new and exciting thing for mornings! And we were listening to Paramore, which I introduced her to yesterday on our drive. She isn’t able to direct her energy very specifically, just release lots of it in general, which actually pushed one of our energetic friends out of the car since it was unexpected. And my wife kept getting slammed, so she was clearly excited. To calm her down I rubbed my belly, but she was still moving a lot. When we got to the doctor we were in the middle of a song, and I turned the car off suddenly. My wife was slammed with this sense of utter disappointment, to the point of wanting to cry. This is so my child! I find it physically painful to turn off a song in the middle, assuming I was into it. She is not amused either! I promised we would start the song over when we got back to the car, and I try to turn music down instead of just off. It’s less harsh that way, for both of us.

As the appointment finished and we left, I noticed she once again was vertical, and once I again I have no clue how she got there! She can kick and punch while horizontal, but somehow she manages to get vertical like magic. I think she’s a ninja! I only notice once she’s there because the pressure is not in the middle of my abdomen and pushing out rather than on either side near my hips. I wish I could see her do it because it’s quite the mystery to me. She isn’t even pushing to get there, or pushing really at all since last week. Perhaps that was part of her learning process.

On the way to work I think she learned to headbang and we rocked out to Misery Business (live, from Final Riot). hahahahaha She certainly was moving up a storm. Thankfully that doesn’t hurt. I bet that changes eventually, but I enjoy it for now. After that cd was done I put on Evanescence, starting with Anywhere but Home. She continued with a lot of movement. At this point she’d been particularly active for going on 2 hours. She slept for a while this afternoon and just recently woke up. Quite an eventful day for this little one. And I loved it! Seriously, so much fun. I can’t wait another 3 1/2 months to meet her!

The home

Well, home is a little stressful lately. I’ve spent every weekend that I wasn’t a)too tired or b)on a roadtrip cleaning something. Now, normal cleaning doesn’t necessarily take forever, but I’m organizing now, and that does take forever. So, I feel like I’ve spent the majority of this year cleaning, which is insane. Add to that the lack of help I get from the MIL and I’m over it.

Saturday I started working in the living room. Organizing things like my jewelry supplies, while catching up on tv (aka organizing the tivo), and generally picking up took quite a few hours. Sunday I finished up with a lot of other things, like my toolbox, which was exploding over the living room, and putting away dvds, organizing the myriad of cords and finding all of these things a place to go took about 4 hours. About 3 hours in, the MIL finally comes out of her room, which was 2pm already. Then she sat down to watch a concert dvd with my wife (who had worked the equivalent of an 18 hour day and was supposed to be resting). By the time I was getting ready for my haircut and the grocery store I was losing it. I was just so sick of sacrificing free time and energy and the rest of my to-do list just to clean up a house that she was in every fucking day! I broke down in the shower, just crying because it was too much. As was mentioned in yoga, we just feel a lot more now, and that often turns into tears. This is the first crying breakdown I’ve had for ‘no reason’ since the grill incident very early on.

After the shower, I told my wife I was leaving to take care of my haircut and get food. She could tell I was upset (only an idiot couldn’t, and my wife is brilliant). I told her why I was so mad, and she said she’d take care of it. See, I am non-confrontational. Especially with this person I really dislike and don’t know how to handle, even after months. My wife knows how to approach her mother so she will actually make changes, so I can take the easier way out. They had a nice long talk, only a portion of which she told me about yet. It involved her having to get up, stop filling her head mindlessly with negative crap (how does someone watch true crime all freakin day?!), and getting on a positive path or she wouldn’t be allowed to see her grand daughter. Because we aren’t exposing our child to all that garbage. I’m surprised she went that far, but I’m glad she did because that’s how I feel too. We’re not being over protective, at this point, but it’s really disturbing what the MIL watches. It’s not kid appropriate, and it’s only making her depression worse. And her depression makes me not trust her at all with our kid.

So…today I’m going home to a home cooked meal of cabbage rolls. We found a way for me to eat only as much meat as I want, which may be half a roll, and then eat extra sides, while allowing my wife to make what she’s craving. See, my wife has been working her ass off to get better, which is why she’s able to finally cook. The MIL? Hasn’t done shit, which is why it’s like pulling teeth to get her to do dishes before we run out of silverware. That has to change, before I completely lose my mind. For now, it appears to be, but only because my wife is lighting a fire under her ass.

I know that kids have to be taught to do things, to clean, to be considerate. But you know, we all know that. We know that is part of growing up. I can’t get mad at a kid for not cleaning up because they are learning how. But a grown adult? Yeah, that pisses me off. Our kid is going to be taught consideration (but also balance, and self care). Maybe she’ll still be like my brother, pure chaos. Maybe she’ll be super clean. She’s likely to be somewhere in between. I’m not a clean freak. I don’t hang my coat up and I don’t make my bed. I don’t have unreasonable standards. And that’s why I have reached the end of my rope with this situation. Pregnancy just adds another layer of insanity (and amped emotions) to it.

Pray she finds a place to live soon, for everyone’s sanity.

Vertical!

Well, after lying with my hips up and supported Friday night (or was it Thursday?), and then Yoga on Saturday, Peanut finally figured out how to get vertical by the late afternoon! This was a welcome relief, as Friday night also brought about a concern that I pulled muscles or a tendon. The pain eased off, but it left me concerned about the possibility.

Vertical is a weird feeling when I’m used to her more horizontal position for the last 6 months. I finally understand what people say when they talk about the baby feeling heavy, or pressure on the cervix. It’s bizarre! I think I peed a lot more with her in that position, so maybe that’s a big difference in whether or not I pee more than normal.

She’s not staying in that position all the time. But my body is finally getting some relief from her being in my hips, which is nice. Today I’ve felt quite a few pains, mostly likely due to stretching. Apparently the uterus often isn’t above the belly button until 30 weeks, which I learned from my yoga teacher. And if my uterus is just sitting low, that’s where she’ll be. I’ll ask the ultrasound tech about it on Friday.

The last two days my hips have been really hurting. I was actually limping from it last night, which wasn’t pleasant. I need to just keep stretching. I used the heating pad and some e-stem to ease it up. I also got some bonus healing so I could get some sleep, otherwise I would have been miserable. I miss sleeping on my back, but I have found a way to sleep mostly on my stomach, which is more like a 45 degree angle. Either way, it works. It’s a nice break from the sides which piss off my hips.

I think I’ll write about the rest of the weekend in a new post to focus more. :-)

Avoiding the awards

Ten days ago, Stumbling Through Faith nominated me for the Sisterhood of the World Bloggers award. As much as I appreciate it, I’ve been avoiding mentioning it because it’s overwhelming to me. And really it’s because one of the requirements is to come up with 10 questions and then nominate other bloggers. It sounds easy, but coming up with 10 random questions, without context, is not easy for me. Nor is finding 10 blogs that I follow that haven’t already been nominated. I don’t follow a lot of blogs. And that’s why I’m not playing along. I know I’m not the only one, and in the end, it’s really too stressful to continue it. So I will do half. Because I can answer questions just fine. lol

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The Rules:

Thank the blogger who nominated you providing links back to their website.
Display the logo on your blog.
Answer the ten questions set for you.
Make up ten questions for your nominees.
Nominate ten people.

  1. Why is your favorite color, your favorite color?

Blue is technically my favorite, and I think it’s because it’s my aura color. But I love lots of colors, even if I don’t know what they are called. Orange started sneaking into my life in the last few years, which was also being added to my aura at the time. So there seems to be strong correlation to spirituality, even though I’m not aware of what it all means.

2. What experience in your life has changed you the most?

There are too many. Key events include the time I spent at jazz camp. Earning my black belt at 13. Becoming a Marine. Coming out. All the years with my wife. Pregnancy. Hard to imagine a life with just one big life changing event. Sounds boring. :-)

3. What is the worst advice you were ever given?

No clue, I tend to ignore and forget that stuff. lol

4.If you could change one thing from your past, what would you change and why?

I’d have spoken up to Susan more (discussed a few times in this blog) and at least had the balls to be honest about my very confusing feelings. I’m sure that wouldn’t have ended up that well though. It would have allowed greater closure in the end perhaps.

5. What is your dream job?

Not having a real job, but supporting myself and my family through healing and training others. Basically living as a Jedi full time.

6. If you could live anywhere on the planet, where would you live and why?

A few hours west in Glenwood Springs. The energy is so amazing that I want to never leave, but it has the modern conveniences I really enjoy. Plus, it’s beautiful!

7. What is one thing you wish you could get rid of?

My MIL. Not literally got rid of, but out of my house!

8. What is the best advice you were ever given?

Again, no clue. I tend to incorporate it and move on. My family wasn’t much for advice, or talking. And being so strong willed and self directed it’s rare I even ask for advice. I guess the one time it was critical was when I was trying to get out of the military before they kicked me out. That required the advice and guidance of my friend Chuck who had gone through it and survived.

9. How do you sleep at night?

Hahahahaha that sounds all accusatory! Seriously, I don’t sleep the greatest due to this baby, but I sleep better thanks to the cats providing soothing energy to keep me and the baby more settled.

10. Do you have any pets?

Our two cats Rize and Bristol. They are amazing and teach us more about what cats are capable of every day. I hope to convince my wife to write a book about all we’ve learned, to help teach others to not underestimate all animals.

Ok, well that’s as much as I’m willing to do for this. Sorry. I have a hard enough time just answering questions, much less asking them. I wonder if that’s the aspergers? lol But seriously, I suspect it’s related. And now, time to go home! This baby is hungry.

Dreams

I’m having weird dreams lately. Now that’s normal for pregnancy, but it’s also frustrating because it seems like I have dream ADD. The dreams switch and change and jump around way more than is normal for me. It makes it hard for me to glean much from them.

One topic that keeps coming up in some weird way is church. Now, we know we want Peanut baptized. It provides a level of spiritual protection that we appreciate. My concern was simply to avoid baptizing into a religion such as catholicism, as I don’t want to be imprinting stuff on my brand new baby. I looked a bit at the Unity churches, and met a very loving pastor at an expo a while back, but haven’t jumped in to see if church itself would work for us. Really, for me. I bristle against the things that I find not true, so I’m not sure how well I’ll do going to services. My wife does much better, assuming the feel of the place is truly spiritual. But she had the opposite experience of me, not being raised in church plus Lutheran school for the majority of my life. She was secretly baptized but didn’t go to church much. And when she was in crisis a priest saved her life. And I’m damn grateful for that priest. I just don’t have a good relationship with the church, having had so much fear imprinted onto my throughout my life that I had to work really hard to shake. And that makes me angry. Especially with the insane bullshit so many ‘christians’ pull now in politics and such. It’s hard. Anyway…

I don’t remember enough of my dreams to write them down now, but when I wake up I remember enough to get a feel, and even my dreams are not giving me an answer in this. Maybe the answer is entirely dependent on me, meaning whatever I choose is fine. Maybe it comes down to just jumping in one of these weekends and seeing what happens. Or maybe I have to figure some things out before jumping in, which is what I’m working on in my dreams. I don’t want to just show up in February and say ‘baptize my baby please’, so this needs to be resolved before then. I suspect there are people who would do that, but I feel uncomfortable with it. We know when approximately we’ll do it, since it will be the week my parents are here. So those details are pretty minor. I just have to work through this stuff in the meantime I guess.

What’s funny is, I’m more annoyed at the thought of being a ‘church goer’ again because of what people assume that means. It sure as hell won’t mean I buy everything that is taught. I don’t consider myself a Christian even, and won’t then. To limit myself to just one person’s teachings, which boils down to a few chapters in a really jacked up book is completely impossible. It feels like a thousand steps backward. So why go? What I hope to get is a place that feels like love. A place where I can tap into spirit more easily. And maybe even find some friends and local support. I don’t really need the teachings. Reminders of love and such are great, but I also get those from multiple sources. So the only thing a church can bring me (that I can anticipate at least) is a physical place with good energy and a potential group of friends. And maybe songs. lol

Maybe my dreams will become more clear now that I’ve written this all out. That would be nice.

24 Weeks

Quickly approaching the end of the second trimester and onto the scarier one. How big will I get? This is a very real unknown, and a little disconcerting to think about. So far so good. No stretch marks (possibly because of the Burt’s Bees Mama Bee belly cream I use daily). No complications. My blood pressure today at the health fair was a healthy 114/76, which is an increase over last week which was around 110, and higher than the low 100’s at the last midwife appointment. I’m quite curious to see where I am next Friday at the next midwife/ultrasound appointment. Hopefully it plateaus, rather than continually creeping up. High blood pressure means bed rest, which means I join the insane mamas stuck trying to find something to do. Actually, I have plenty to do online, including SW:TOR waiting for me, but that doesn’t mean I want to be on bedrest. :-)

Peanut is an interesting one. She’s always sitting low. LOOOOOWWWW. As in, she’s maybe gotten a limb above my belly button a few times. I don’t know why, but I finally googled it, which was a good use of dr. google as my wife and I were both confused and/or concerned about it. It turns out it’s possible my abs weren’t as toned or strong as they could be, which allows her to sit low. Or it could be that my hips are wide enough that she has enough room. Or any number of reasons, the vast majority of which aren’t a concern at all. So, while other people have to deal with kicks under the ribs, I’m spared so far. It’s just interesting that she’s so often in the same position, feet to the right, head to the left. And that is why my zipper is always falling down!

She’s getting better at pushing, which she does probably about a third of the time compared to kicking/punching. It’s fun to play ‘got your foot’ sometimes, but I have to keep the visual of the alien coming out of the stomach out of my head. And while it’s creepy to feel movement sometimes, touching her foot may have been the coolest damn thing so far. It makes her more real I think. I even was convinced to let the MIL touch it, which isn’t easy. Besides my inherent lack of interest in touching her, she’s sitting LOW which is a rather intimate area. But I did it to appease the guides and it was fine. It made my MIL happy and that’s a good thing too.

I learned yesterday that while Peanut was almost entirely ensouled, there was a part of her staying behind because her mom wasn’t feel better yet. We did say she’d feel better pretty fast after surgery, but didn’t realize how much pain she’d be in. That left a confused and scared Peanut who was worried her mom would die. So, like with all kids, she needed to learn that sick doesn’t equal dying, and that her mom is going to be just fine. She’s getting stronger so there’s nothing to worry about. This made her really happy. Yesterday a very big favor was granted, with a big, powerful angel (ok, they’re all big and powerful) bringing her by the house during the day so she could see her mom from that spirit perspective and understand it all. And with that, she should now be fully and ‘forever’ ensouled. That means we’re left with just basic impressions, which we were getting mostly anyway. And that’s ok. I think that’s why I’m getting more impressions from her, where I randomly just feel love for her in a different way than before. It’s pretty cool.

The cats have taken to smothering me lately. They both help us stay asleep by sending us calming energy. It’s helping a lot, as I’m getting more sleep, and more at a stretch, than before they started helping. The problem is, when I do wake up and need to move, I’m covered in cats and have to figure out how mean to be in making them move. Last night I got frustrated and told them to wait until I fall asleep because I was feeling trapped. It’s hard to get comfortable when I can’t wiggle around after all. I think they get it, but they have their moments still. They’re really good cats though, so it’s not like I can stay mad at them.

As for other symptoms/developments, there isn’t a whole lot. I’m starting to get more low back pain, so I have to watch that. My posture at work isn’t helping. I’m trying to be more mindful. I’m going to order the pregnancy belt before long since I will need it, and it helps relieve the pressure on those round ligaments. With Peanut so low I think that will be helpful. I’m also trying to remember to stretch more before bed to ease up those hips. It’s helping, as is yoga. Too bad they don’t have another class in the evening during the work week, that would be ideal.

In the food side of things, I’m doing ok. I’m finally starting to put on weight I think, but it’s hard to tell since the scale today was not the same as my midwife. I’ll compare then. I’m not sure how much the whole baby/fluid combo should add, so that will be something to ask. I’m also getting a little better at finding foods that I can eat without much heartburn, which is a plus. Tuesday was veggie sushi, which was quite delicious and filling. And potato burritos seem to hit a spot that I can get in two places which is handy. I’m definitely eating more at a time, when my body is ready for it, which is a nice switch. I don’t want to gain a ton of weight, but it’s nice to not be hungry an hour after eating. :-)

Hmm…I think that’s it for now. Just one more week until babymoon! Appointments followed by live jazz and a drive north to a meditation retreat. I can’t wait to get out of the city and into the mountains! I just hope it isn’t snowy. Except that it would be pretty awesome because I love winter. I’ll be happy either way.

Comparing Yoga Classes

This weekend was a real low energy one, but I wanted to try two classes in the weekend instead of one. Saturday is my normal class. It was an enjoyable class overall. I really enjoy the instructor. We did some different positions as well. At the end I chose to stay in seated position instead of lying down. I put my arms low, which ended up feeling like cradling Peanut. The feeling was pretty amazing, as I really felt energetically connected, like all we needed was the remove of those last few inches for her to be in my arms.

Sunday I was tired but I committed to going. The class was different than Saturday. For one, she didn’t talk about all the things that the other teacher does. I missed that, discussing about being strong, breathing through the discomfort, the stuff that I feel helps prepare for birth. And then the class moved way too fast. I felt like stretching was minimal, I never actually got into many of the poses because it was too fast. It was incredibly frustrating. Other people didn’t seem to care, so apparently I need very different things from yoga. The one good thing I learned was that people really can take yoga until delivery. The teacher is the doula for a person in class who was being induced that afternoon. She said she felt better after yoga than before. The movement and breathing and focus really seems to help. So I’ll keep that in mind. During class I started having some throbbing pains very low in my groin area. The guides pulled in some non-physical doctors to take a look and everyone thinks it was the cervix stretching. I’ll need to tell the midwives, but no one is worried anymore. Though, they’d appreciate me only doing one yoga class a weekend as well. So I’ll stick to Saturday from now on.

In other news, Peanut has learned to push. As in, I’ll feel this bizarre pressure that’s very localized that can only be her pushing out with her foot or something. It was really freaky the first day, yesterday. Last night we could even feel her little foot or knee! That was pretty darn amazing. I’m not sure if she’s trying to move around and pushing just happens, or if she’s now discovered that it is fun. Thankfully nothing really hurts yet, so we’ll see what happens. Every day is new! And with us about to enter the last week of the second trimester, things will start to change quickly I think.

The more Peanut is ensouled, the less she can communicate. She can still pass along general feelings, but she can’t project them far. The last thing she’s expressed has been for my wife to talk to her more, to touch my belly more, to be connected. So last night we pulled out a book and had her read it out loud. The cats enjoy this, as does Peanut. She was pretty tired, but stayed awake for the whole book. It was really nice actually. Once I get paid I’m going to pick up one I just heard about, Oh, Baby, the Places You’ll Go!: A book to be read in Utero. There are a few other books that fit this genre that I need to check out as well. But really, she’s just happy having that time, so I don’t think the book content matters much. :-)

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