As emotions go, I find that everything is amplified. When something frustrates me, I am more frustrated than normal. Anger can easily get to the level of detectable blood pressure increase and buzziness in my head. This is not normal for me. This weekend at the symphony I was frustrated with someone who insisted on talking during the beginning of EVERY SINGLE PIECE. lol Seriously, I was waiting for intermission (that never came) to either talk to them or report them. But in the wait I was trying to let go of it, so I could still enjoy the show. It was so challenging. So on the way home I wondered if more meditation would help, or if I needed a different practice. I asked the guides and while they didn’t say yes or no, they reiterated that I’m PREGNANT! A lot of this is truly outside of my control. No amount of meditation will change that hormones completely change emotional responses to life. Though they will get back to me soon about a training plan for some other aspects, and they reminded me to try to slow down and take a breath to reduce how these emotions ramp up.
I’m generally ok with this answer/explanation, but what concerns me is, in a community dominated by men or people who have no clue what happens during pregnancy (including myself before I became pregnant), my lack of control is going to be seen as a problem with training, rather than an understanding of things being outside my control. That’s one reason I’m writing this up, because if there was something I could do about it, guides are the first people to say something.
I’m sure there are times when even men have some health changes, sometimes hormonal, that simply make emotional management out of their control. At least to some extent. Not that we shouldn’t try. I continue to apply my tools, and did throughout the symphony. On the outside, no one knew except when I tried to silence the person with a look. But on the inside I knew I was struggling and didn’t want to be.
On the plus side, my coworker said I’m doing really well. I am very aware that I’m pissy, for instance, whereas she didn’t see it and would get angry if someone mentioned it to her. Sometimes it helps to be reminded of how non-Jedi handle (or don’t handle) this process as well.