The truth?

This is still very confusing, and very annoying. From what I understand, the truth behind the story is that the Canadian government is arguing that people can’t get divorced in Canada because they aren’t legally married in their home country. If the courts agreed that could dissolve our marriage, and the marriage of everyone who’s home country doesn’t recognize it. I think.

I think the bloggers should be ashamed of themselves for presenting this information in this way. And I’m glad I only let it get me angry for a short time. I learned a lot and educated a few people as well. I’ll have to watch this more carefully.

Fuck you Canadian Conservatives – Part 2: transmuting

I am a Jedi. As such, no matter what someone else does to me I refuse to allow them to turn me to darkness. Do I get angry? Yes. I have days where I get angry for no valid reason. But today, this is justified anger. The question is, what to do with it?

I could choose to lash out at people who are/t involved.  I could hit something. I could threaten those involved with violence. But none of that is beneficial.  I could hold onto the anger, refusing to let it go. But that is exhausting and also not beneficial. So this is what I did.

First, I had a ton of energy and didn’t know what to do with it. I decided to focus the energy at the people that did this gross injustice. Not to attack – that would be completely unethical. My intent was just to make my feelings known. Subconsciously at least they would know how I feel. After this I asked Andrea what she saw since I knew I wasn’t going to be shielding well. Not that I was open to attack, but that I wasn’t holding my feelings behind walls at the moment. She described me as blue flames with ‘molecules’ going all over. I thought that was pretty cool actually. Blue is still me. I wasn’t dark, just burning cold. But either way, I needed to get home and clear out my energy before it affected Carrie. Once I got home I just let it drain away to the ground. And then I laughed. I laughed because I knew that they wouldn’t win. Darkness won’t win. Hatred won’t win. The light will win, of that I have no doubt. And in the end, they look like fools. 

I asked Andrea to see how I looked then. I’m still blue flames, but the chaos is gone.  I believe this shows that the negative aspects of my feelings was gone, but the resolve remains. I don’t know what I can do at the moment, but it won’t change our goals. We’re still going to Canada. And if there are problems with immigration…well, I’m confident we’ll come out on top no matter what.  This will be fought by people with the cash and connections to fight it. I need to find a way to stay informed though.  If it weren’t for twitter I wouldn’t know yet. And Carrie still doesn’t know. I’ll figure it out. 

Fuck you Canadian Conservatives

http://unicornbooty.com/blog/2012/01/12/canadian-govt-dissolves-thousands-of-same-sex-marriages-including-dan-savages/

I had no idea how this could feel. I’m used to not being legally married in the states. I’ve never been legal here, but I always had the backup that we’re legal in Canada. When we relocate there it will be easy because we’re legally married. And now, everything has changed. In one fell swoop, bigotry and darkness and rained on us, dissolving a marriage we worked very hard to gain. 

My anger is deep, threatening to turn to rage. But I want to write while it’s still fresh, before I threaten to censor myself because this is important. People need to know that this isn’t just some piece of paper. It’s not a word that has legal meanings. It means something, deep, at our core. Married. Spouse. That means something in society. It’s a deep level of commitment that reflects the seriousness of our relationship. She’s not my girlfriend of 12+ years, she’s my wife. And the conservative, control freak bigots know this. That’s why they fight so hard to keep it from us. They know they have nothing to stand on if we have full, equal rights. That we’re human beings, just like them. Better than them, because we aren’t trying to destroy others through our hatred.  We simply want recognition of the depths of our commitment. 

Losing it, having some asshole just write off all our marriages leaves me feeling so many things. I’m angry. I’m sickened. I’m worried that relocating will now be harder.  It will still happen, I know this to be true because just a few hours ago I received a clear sign from the Force that it would. Whether it came from my higher self or guide, I don’t know. But it was clear that this was going to work out. Maybe that’s why I got this message, to keep me from completely losing it at this news.  I feel physically ill. I can’t even tell Carrie because she’s recovering from a seizure and can’t handle the news. I had no idea this could be such a big deal until now. But I never expected it to happen either. 

The darkness is fighting for its very life. These power plays will not work. I suspect it will only hasten their downfall throughout the world. If that happens, then I welcome this pain. All it does is harden my resolve. And right now, I feel like I am made of the most solid of substances. My will will not give. Thank you conservatives. You’ve now gained someone who will be fully involved in government once relocating. I would have been fairly ambivalent. Not anymore. My eyes are open. The eyes of many around the world are on you. You’ve awoken a sleeping giant. That’s never a good idea because with those eyes comes a big spotlight. And there’s nothing the dark hates more than the light.

How long before they scurry like the cowards they are? 

Solstice labyrinth

I just completed walking a labyrinth in Sylvan Rodriguez Park which is an installation with pillars that align with the sunrise and set on the solstice. It was cloudy so I didn’t get the full affect but it was still an interesting experience.

First I walked to the center. That’s what was most valuable. I see it as a representation of reaching goals in life. You know the destination but you don’t know the path. As you walk you can get very close from one perspective yet still be very far from it in reality. It takes immense patience and control. I felt my impatience just as I do in regular life.  I suspect if I could walk a labyrinth more often it would help me overcome this impatience, but this one is too far to drive normally.

When I reached the center I had 10 minutes before sundown. I enjoyed the space. It felt interesting with a slow pulse. Then I took out my meditation beads and did one cycle of my Jedi Code meditation. During a T-38 took off and shot across the sky bringing joy. After I sat for the last minutes before leaving. I walked the labyrinth in reverse, continuing to toss debris as I cam on it. It took 10 minutes to complete. In all I spent around 40 minutes.

This was a good experience even with minimal sun.

Compatibility report with David

This is fun! lol

Compatibility Report for
David
Thursday, March 01, 1990
7:01:00 AM
Washington, Dist of Columbia
and
Jackie
Wednesday, November 15, 1978
5:26:00 PM
Appleton, Wisconsin

Chapter 1
A Comparison of Temperaments and Life Styles
that Affect Your Ability to Harmonize with Each Other

David’s Sun in Pisces and Jackie’s Sun in Scorpio

Both of you are very sensitive, feeling, compassionate people, and with one another you are able to have a depth of sharing that you will find with few others. You instinctively understand one another.

        David’s sympathetic, non-judgmental, understanding attitude can be a healing balm to Jackie, who is more emotional and who often carries secret guilts, inner conflicts, and pain. David’s accepting attitude helps Jackie to share and release these tensions.

        Jackie is more forceful than David, and will sometimes lash out with sarcasm or vindictiveness when hurt, which deeply wounds David. David is gentler, has less protective armor, and is generally more forgiving than Jackie is. Jackie can manipulate David at times, sometimes unknowingly. But for the most part, you get along very well.

Discovering Shadows Through Astrology

I was helping a student the other day and recommended they get their birth chart done at grupovenus.com. They give a lot of information for free and seem to be pretty accurate. While I was there I decided to look at mine again using the life path report. I’m sure I looked at this a few years ago but I got something new out of it this time around.

Most of the time I agree with the statements in these reports. The statements aren’t so general that they apply to everyone so I feel like they are beneficial tools for introspection, especially since there’s no person looking at me with prior knowledge to taint the interpretation. In this way it feels like more of a science. It isn’t a science itself, but has some elements of it. Or I could be wrong and it’s more of a science than I realize.  Anyway….

When I started reading the report I worried I remembered my time of birth wrong because it seemed so unlike me.  As I read I found things applied more once I got out of the initial section. Then it occurred to me. If all of the other statements are pretty true, why am I so quick to say these other statements are untrue? What if, instead, this section is pointing out to me one of my biggest shadow areas, one that’s held me back my entire adult life? This changed my perspective and added to my list of things to work through this month.  I have a list in my paper journal that I will work on this weekend as long as I don’t lose my focus. Since I have time at work I’m going to work on this aspect now.

A look back on the 2011 Jedi Gathering Part 1

The gathering this year was officially Oct 21-23, but for me it was really the 20-24th because I hosted three awesome people from the east coast. This was my first time hosting a gathering of any size and I learned an awful lot. First, you have to be flexible. Second, don’t stress on the little details. As long as people are fed and have a place to sleep they’re fine. Third, don’t underestimate the power of arts and crafts!

First, the interesting hiccups. Up until a week before the gathering we had around 20 people confirmed. Then Andrea found out her surgery was scheduled for the day before. Even hearing the awesome results that her tumor was gone, I knew she’d be in too much pain to ride in a car for four hours. That meant we lost 5 people and her seminar was now the responsibility of Hannigan. We rolled with it and were fine though. Then, Wednesday night, the day before the east coasters were set to arrive we received the notice from Chicago that they couldn’t drive down. It was a set of unfortunate circumstances that lead them to that decision. It was understandable, and I agree with their logic. However, that also meant that Hannigan lost his ride. This meant we lost the reiki seminar, martial arts, lightsabers, a knighting ceremony and a shamanic journey. And of course, four people. That brought down to 11. Considering the lodge held 26 there was going to be no shortage of space! However, we had the new seminars worked out within about an hour thanks to our backup plans. Stan was covering martial arts and a demonstration of Thai yoga massage, Jeremy the lightsabers, Aimee would do Tai Chi Ruler and David a guided meditation to meet spirit guides.

Thankfully those were the only changes that were made to the schedule (even if they were a significant portion of it). So on Thursday I picked up David, Aimee and Stan from the airport and we made our way home. The first place I took them was Freebirds. I love eating there, it’s Texan, and easily made into vegetarian with many options. Everyone enjoyed it and ate plenty. Then we sat down to make a new itinerary and watch Doctor Who with naps interspersed.

Doctor Who was a big hit. While Aimee and David were a little confused at first, by the end of the first half of season 6 they were ready for more. The rest of the season was completed on Monday before they flew out. I’m happy to say there are now a few more Doctor Who fans in the world. lol

Thursday evening we went to Which Wich, another of my favorite places which was another hit. Then we went to HEB for an almost 3 hour grocery run. It’s not easy estimating how much food to buy for 11 people (which ended up being 9). It turns out we didn’t need sandwich meat, but otherwise did pretty good on food supplies. We kept it to around $20 a person for 4 to 5 meals and snacks. Overall it went well.

Friday turned into an accidental hiccup. We slept in and when we finally got going it was to meet Maurice at the airport, along with James who was picking him up. We needed to eat so stopped at Jack in the Box (at the boys’ request) and waited. But then the strange messages came in. Turns out, Maurice somehow wrote the wrong dates on his calendar at work so he missed his flight and had requested the wrong weekend off. We felt bad for him, but also had to laugh at the insanity of it. I don’t think any of us ever knew someone who experienced that. It was really sad because Maurice had been looking forward to it for so long. He’s an enthusiastic member and I looked forward to meeting him. Next time! So, we met with Jame instead and made our way to Sam’s Club for frozen burgers. There my car decided to die so I got a jumpstart. I would end up buying a replacement battery on Saturday afternoon during lunch.

After all of this fun and excitement we finally made it to the campground. It wasn’t as far as I thought, which was nice. The park was quiet and the weather was beautiful. I was a little disappointed in the accommodations, not as nice as I expected, but it met our needs. We really needed the full kitchen that it came with because there was a complete burn ban. We weren’t allowed to make a fire, so smore’s were improvised in the oven. It may have been a blessing since the recent rains brought a fresh batch of hungry mosquitoes! There were also a ton of ants who had a nice, organize path directly across the main sidewalk. They stayed outside, which was nice. And we tried to leave them be.

Friday night was a late night. Jeremy and his David got in around 9:30. We had a little formal greeting and then resumed arts and crafts! I was hoping people would find making their own lightsaber bracelets interesting and fun, but I didn’t think it would become an almost all consuming activity. lol We had many interesting bracelets/bookmarks/keychains made which was really fun. We also had side games of who knows what. All I know is they made funny weapons like laser laser maser schmasers. We had a nice dinner of spaghetti and stayed up quite late. This lateness would be a theme for the weekend, but I didn’t mind.

Saturday started about an hour late due to sleepiness. Rumor has it there was a symphony of snoring in the middle of the night, but I was asleep for that. Stan built a fort to try to dampen his snoring which didn’t really help. However it was a cool idea and fun to watch him make.

Breakfast for most were bullseyes – eggs cooked in a cut out hole in toast. They were quite yummy. We also had oatmeal and fruit. Then we worked our way into seminars. I talked about Most Benevolent Outcomes while people worked on their lightsabers and then answered questions. I should have actually practiced what I was going to say, thankfully I had a nice organized writeup in the folder. After we did basic sword/lightsaber drills which were fun. I felt much more comfortable with this method than just jumping into advanced sparring drills as was attempted in Louisiana. We did spar after some warmups doing x’s and boxes and stuff. I worked with David and then Jeremy which was interesting. Two very different styles and I had a lot of fun. Before lunch we also watched Stan demonstrate Thai yoga massage which is a combination of stretching and light massage on their equivalent of meridians or channels. It’s good to know about other options, especially ones that don’t appear to need so many years of practice before you can use it successfully.

Lunch was tacos and very tasty. We forgot the lettuce at home, but it worked out fine. After lunch we did some hand to hand techniques focusing on simple and effective self defense. We then did Tai Chi Ruler which is a really ‘simple’ way to build energy. I like that it’s easy to remember unlike the long forms. I should try to fit it into my daily practice. We also did a meditation with crystals to allow people to feel energy in something they don’t usually think to sense. Jeremy had an interesting experience with his moonstone. I think the moonstone and quartz went pretty well. Amazonite was harder to sense which I need to look into more. I only brought it because I had a lot of it and wanted options.

I’m having a hard time remembering what else we did. The day was so filled with things but never stressful. We had picture time in robes if people had them. Oh yeah, and in all that we also had a discussion about Jedi chapters. Hopefully it helps people establish their own chapters in time. For dinner we had burgers and Carrie’s family recipes for baked beans and cole slaw.

After dinner we went for a walk. I stopped at the creek since I so rarely get to see natural water anymore. David also stopped and the group went on. We had a good conversation, then had a short chat with James who walked around in the creek. Eventually the mosquitoes pushed us to walk so we walked until dark, talking about things that only a mentor and former student can. We also took care of the financial aspect of the gathering once we found the ranger.

After the walk David led us in a guided meditation to meet our animal totems. Almost everyone had a really interesting experience with their meditations which was awesome. We had a great discussion afterward and I think everyone learned a little bit. We may still be puzzling over Stan’s deer, but that’s why we do these meditations. Our totem isn’t always what we want it to be, but what we need. Finally we ended with baked smore’s with ghost shaped or pumpkin spice marshmallows. Quite tasty!

Saturday night I had to leave at midnight because Carrie was having a horrible time with seizures. There was no way to get her stabilized without my going home. I discovered it was only an hour drive and made it home safely. That’s when we figured out she hadn’t taken her medication. I got her all situated, had a nice hot shower and settled into bed for a few hours sleep because the next morning was Ren Fest!

I started Sunday with Starbuck’s since I only had 3 hours of sleep. I made it back before the rain started and loaded up all of David, Aimee, and Stan’s stuff. We took off and met up with Steven and Cailin at the ren fest for a bit before they continued their trek back to the Dallas area. James volunteered to take Jeremy and David back to the airport which was very appreciated. I’ll leave the Renfest for another post since I’d really like to eat lunch. I’ll also leave personal reflections for later since it’ll take too long. Overall i can say the gathering when much smoother than I expected.

My Plan for Knighthood

I started this discussion back in May at the Institute in the advanced training area. Since that area is not accessible to most people, I’m copying the information here so I can share it with whoever is interested.  There is still much to update since then, and much to work on, but it is a work in progress so that will always be true.

First, I used some elements of fiction simply to organize my experience.  It doesn’t include much for knowledge, but that is for another list.

The Trial of Skill is a measure of your control, perseverance, and self-discipline.  Lightsaber skills are often included in this Trial and other physical and mental skills may also be tested.

Well, I haven’t killed anyone so… lol  I can say that I haven’t struck a person in anger since I was around 13 years old, and that was just a frustration slap of my brother.  I have pretty good self control.  Self-discipline is something I always need to work on, but I have it when I need it most of the time.  I don’t have lightsaber skills – and don’t care if I do. lol   I do however have a black belt in American karate, a little experience with aikido and shotokan karate, and am a Marine (because you never cease to be a Marine).  What I need to work on is rebuilding a useful level of fitness.

The Trial of Courage is a measure of your ability to persist in the face of fear, doubt, danger, or overwhelming odds.  But beware, overconfidence can be a flaw and will not help you pass the tests.

I’m pretty sure I’ve been undergoing this trial for the past 6 years.  I’ve faced my wife temporarily dying more than once.  I’ve talked her down from suicide.  I’ve spent countless hours in hospitals in multiple states and seen her treated horribly there (and occasionally very well). I’ve watched my best friend die of cancer at 28, my older Marine neighbor who was influential in helping me reclaim my Marine-ness, and a Marine I served with who also left far too young.  All in the past 6 years.  In spite of that I’ve continued to train, myself and others.  Maybe not to the level I would prefer, but I did it.  So I have no problem saying I have passed this trial, even as it continues.

The Trial of Spirit is a measure of your ability to overcome your own failings and limitations.  You will not be a perfect person when you are presented for your Trials and you will be required to recognize your temptations, flaws, and disabilities and show that you will not be defined by them.

During the Trial of Courage I have had to learn to overcome a certain level of laziness and lack of focus.  As the only person capable of cooking, cleaning, shopping, working…I’ve had to force myself to keep up with chores throughout the week.  During this time I’ve continued to improve in the number of times I’ve cooked, the general cleanliness of the house, as well as keeping up with laundry.  And we’ve never run out of toilet paper.
But I have plenty of failings.  I am easily frustrated.  Often my source of frustration is when things change and force me from what I planned to do.  I struggle with a level of road rage.  It’s not bad.  I don’t drive irresponsibly in response.  But I do yell when someone does something stupid.  I get angry, but I also calm down within a minute.  I don’t stay mad.
Another failing is my lack of time management.  Often this is a problem with focus.  I get easily distracted, especially when it comes to the internet. This is something I want to improve upon in the next year.
Finally, my fitness needs improvement.  I haven’t been active in a few years and it shows.  But it’s not just a weight issue but health.  I know dropping weight will make my body feel better. And it fits with the expectations of being a Jedi.

The Trial of the Flesh is a measure of your ability to overcome pain, desire, or loss.  You must maintain your composure and become a stronger person through the Trial to have passed it.

I’ve undergone this trial in different parts.  First, my years of training in the martial arts, especially in training for my black belt.  Then in boot camp where they absolutely pushed us to our limits.  Recently I went through a shorter trial in getting my wolf tattoo.  The entire thing was done with the liner which meant it stung the whole time.  A big deal?  No, but I underwent it purposely staying present with the pain, viewing it as a trial and sacrifice.  But I do recognize that I often do what I can to avoid pain in my life.  I will overcome this as I regain my fitness where I’ll focus on good pain rather than pain just to show I’m a badass.
As for loss, I’ve already addressed that in the Trial of Courage.  I still tear up when I think of my friend passing though it’s been almost two years.  But this isn’t something I think I can control.  I’m pretty good at moving on and functioning, but I find the sadness of a few people’s deaths don’t easily leave.

The Trial of Insight is a measure of your ability to distinguish reality from illusion and look past your preconceived notions of yourself and the world around you.  Your mind must be able to release the distractions and avoid the tricks and traps of life.

In some ways I can do this.  My beliefs and perspectives have expanded dramatically throughout my 20′s and now into my 30′s.  While I have blind spots toward myself and I have even more toward others.  Reading people is a large weakness for me.  It’s the reason why I’m so adamant about wanting people to speak truth because I tend to believe what people say.  I am improving in my ability to sense falseness, but I don’t think it will ever be something I’m good at.  That’s also why I don’t tell lies.  I may avoid telling the truth but I don’t like to make up lies.  I’m a bad liar, plus I don’t want it done to me so I won’t do it to others.

Overall, I’m pretty good about cutting through the various distractions of life to get to what is important – either to learn from a situation, to fix it, or just to cope with it.  I often perform this ‘service’ for others.

I don’t know if there’s more to this trial however.

_____________

I’m interested to see if anyone thinks I need more in the last four trials.  It’s always good to have an external perspective, even if no one sees me on a day to day basis.  I need to start looking at the knowledge I think I should have, as that’s the area I feel that I need to work on.

New blog: Real Cat Chat

Yeah, the name is kinda lame, but I was limited by url choices.  I’m going to focus my blogging on the cats in the attempt to open people’s eyes to the hidden world of cats (and occasionally other animals).  I copied over a few posts from here and added a few new posts.  If you’re interested here’s the link: http://realcatchat.tumblr.com/

Loving Others

For various reasons I’ve been introspective about people who mean a lot to me lately.  Two of them have passed on, which leads to a particular type of introspection.  One, Ellen, died 2 years ago tomorrow.  It’s strange because the time is far too short and far too long.  I miss her a lot but really just wonder what she’s up to.  I at least know that Susan, who died 5 years ago already (wow!) has incarnated years ago so should be a happy little kid somewhere.  But it’s not that important really.  It’s her journey, I just get curious.

So part of this introspection is looking at the people who I’ve had the deepest connections with.  I wonder what my life would be like if a different path was taken and I didn’t end up with Carrie.  Tonight I had to wonder, how can I feel so much love for other people?  How big are our hearts that they can hold so much love?  I guess they can be as big as needed! In the end, I thought about all this, focusing also on feel.  How does it all feel?  To love more than one person is always possible, but equally?  I don’t think so.  Just to be clear, my love for Carrie is more than anyone else.  There’s no doubt, and tonight I actually had a cool experience that showed me this wasn’t wishful thinking.

As I thought about it, noticing how I felt when thinking about one person, I thought about my love for Carrie.  It was in a slightly different physical location (more central in my chest, to the right of the first sensation) and it was stronger.  I can’t quantify the other differences, but definitely stronger.  Those sensations are not anything I can control at this point in my life, it was simply feedback from within.  It was pretty awesome!  I think, if I had to add a description it’s like there’s more stability to our love.

Think about a time when you felt that new infatuation with someone. It’s a strong feeling, one that’s hard to ignore, and one that’s just a tad addicting for many people, myself included.  But it’s fleeting.  It doesn’t take much to dampen it.  Learning just one thing about the person that doesn’t conform to your idealized perception can do it.

I’m discovering a shade of love that’s between that, friendship love, and a spouse.  Somewhere in the middle of those is something else. Not stable like what I have with my wife, but not as fleeting as infatuation, and a little more than just friendship.  It’s interesting.  It’s also interesting for me to be able to recognize it and talk about it.  I think this is part of my shadow self which I’m processing in various ways.  Too many relationships in the past had ill defined lines, if any, and I just kinda went along for the ride.  Sometimes there were consequences to this.  Other times it was fine.  But I held myself back in some friendships because I didn’t know where to draw the line or trust myself to respect the line (even if I set it).  I’ve accepted that this is a problem, but now it’s different.  I don’t know why. But feeling that difference tonight seemed to be the key.  I feel like I’m free.  I may actually be able to walk this line where I am more open and loving with my closest friends without fear that I’ll do something stupid and cross that line.  Maybe I’ll be able to remove one of the barriers I put between me and others.  Interesting…

I’m sure it’ll still take vigilance,  but that’s a lot better than fear.  Fear creates shadows, which creates more fear until it turns to darkness.  I’ve had enough of the darkness.