Clearing the past without making it wrong

The book study is actually not just David and I, but Connor. Both of these young men have been my student and friend for quite some time now, so it’s fun. David and I are coming from the motivation of money, Connor for other reasons, but the underlying issues (such as receiving) are the same. So, this book is handy for more than just money.

Tonight we were chatting about how we may have come up with a coping mechanism in the past to protect us, but that those mechanisms are no longer beneficial. We have a similar issue in keeping people at a distance. I built a massive shield very early in life. And I learned not to open up to people. That massive brick wall of a shield keeps me from opening my awareness more, and that doesn’t work for me anymore. But, attempts to drop the shield have not gotten far. So today when I was talking to Connor, I gave him some advice that turned out to work well for me.

In our various training, one of key concepts is to not make something wrong, as wrong is a judgment, and judgment keeps you from getting free. I asked him not to make his past coping mechanisms wrong, and then told him to thank his body for protecting him as best as it knew how. Then I went off and did the same thing. Specifically I thanked my body and my brain for what they did to protect me. I then asked for us all to work together to create something greater. Doing this created instant change! I’ve been fuzzy headed, which is simply due to not being used to being that open. Not that I’m wide open, but certainly more open than usual, which is progress. Upon checking with the guides I was reminded to let things pass through me, which is the last bit I need to pass along to Connor as well. For anyone curious enough to try this exercise, here is what it means to let things pass through you.

The background, from a course I recently wrote.

Exercise 1: Feeling the Edges
If you were to look at yourself in the mirror, where would you say ‘you’ exist? Is it where you see your body? That’s what our eyes typically tell us. But we can use more than our eyes to answer this question.
Sit somewhere comfortable and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths and relax your body.
Once comfortable, try to feel the edge of you. Reach out with your awareness and see if you
find a place where ‘you’ end. Keep reaching… and reaching… and when you’re done, come back
to this text.

How did that feel? Did you find your edge? Are you just a bit larger than what you saw in the mirror? Recognizing that you, the being, exist beyond your body is a critical step in becoming a Jedi.
Exercise 2: Become Space
Now that you have experienced existing everywhere (or at least much farther than you thought), let’s take this deeper. The Force, while existing everywhere, is particularly noticeable in the space between matter. What does this mean?
Matter is made up of atoms. Within an atom you have the nucleus and electrons. When you look at an atom very closely, you can see that it is mostly space, with very little ‘stuff’. When you put atoms
together to form molecules, this remains true. The picture below shows metal atoms. The nuclei never touch. The forces between the atoms are what holds the molecules together – all of which is in essence ‘empty’ space. So while we experience matter as solid, it is not.

In our daily lives, we don’t see anything at the atomic scale, so we believe things to be solid, including ourselves. The revamped show Cosmos actually addresses this in an episode where they mention that we never actually touch anything. What we define and experience as touch is the interaction of the electromagnetic fields in the various molecules involved. Yet if you try to imagine that you never actually physically touch anything else, it’s pretty hard to wrap the mind around! It doesn’t match our experience.
This exercise is to help you experience that space in some way, to become one with it, and thus the
Force. Remember, this is already your natural state, to be space. It doesn’t take effort to return to a
natural state, only the release of your preconceived ideas.
To begin, take a few deep breaths to relax. Close your eyes and focus on the space between the
molecules of your body. Expand that space, out in every direction. Expand all of the cells in your
body, even the space within the individual atoms of your body. Expand that space, and your
entire body with it, and fill the room you are in. Then continue expanding, to fill the building.
Then, your town. Then your state/region. Continue expanding to your country, and then the
whole earth. Keep expanding, until you are present throughout the solar system, and onward to
the galaxy until you fill the entire universe! Stay here as long as you’d like, just sensing what is
If this is hard to do at first, focus on setting the intention to expand and go as far as you can. Don’t worry if you don’t think you’re going far enough, just intend your energy to continue expanding and it will go there, even if it’s beyond your ability to sense at this point.

Enough background. This all relates back to the opening of shielding. See, the idea of shielding is to block things out. Most of us learn shielding so we can block everything out, because we don’t have much awareness. It’s a ‘better safe than sorry’ for most. And that works for people, to the extent that they are aware of. But I’ve learned more in the last year. When we cut out everything, our awareness is seriously limited. That doesn’t work for me anymore. Hence the exercise today. Now, the key to add to that is to now not hold onto the new information that comes in. We are space, all it takes is remembering that, and now the energy can pass through instead of sticking. That includes emotions from others, which often throws people for a loop. They get the awareness of an emotion, but they mistakenly think it is theirs. This is why empaths struggle so much. Being able to let the energy go when it comes in allows the awareness without getting thrown off.

So, that’s the key. Don’t make old coping skills wrong. Thank the body and mind for all they’ve done, and ask them to help you create something greater. And then remember to let the new energies coming in to pass right through. This makes it easier to stay more open. And that’s what’s happened in just this evening. :-)

Past life thoughts – WWI and planes

I have this weird/interesting tick when it comes to planes. When I all of a sudden hear them flying, I have to look up, while simultaneously having this urge to get under cover. I have many dreams where planes (and then rockets/spaceships) fall out of the sky. And yet, I love planes. I love flying. It’s a bizarre dichotomy that I may have some insight into thanks to Nova last night.

The episode was the first air war, which was WW1. It amazes me that a mere 4 years after taking flight we were building airplanes for war. One of the things they mentioned was that many military leaders didn’t want airplanes. They saw them as dangerous, unreliable, and couldn’t see the benefit. But the British embraced it and quickly learned to use planes to draw rough maps of battlefields, to spot enemy locations and use the information to dial in the artillery. Quite a battle advantage. But these planes were challenging. They could flip over with a gust of wind. They could dogfight until out of fuel and never hit each other. Definitely new technology.

Where this applies to me, perhaps, is I suspect I was one of those skeptical in WW1. I have been told that WW1 was my most recent lifetime, which is why I’m focusing on this time period. In any case, having a lifetime in these battles would mean perhaps seeing more planes crashing than flying. And perhaps there was a significant event that has stuck with me all this time.

In this lifetime, this can explain my conflicting reaction. The appreciation of the plane, and embracing of the technology as it continues to advance – especially military aviation – could be a reaction to my initial skepticism, and then seeing how it changed the battlefield. And then, my expectation or fear of a plane falling out of the sky could be the reaction to seeing in back then. I mean, it’s truly disturbing to me at a guttural level to see a plane or rocket do that slow fall back to earth. Last night I finally watched the video of the failed rocket launch and it reminded me of how I hate the feeling of watching it. Explosions don’t bother me as much as watching something fall back to earth when it shouldn’t. I suspect most other people don’t have that same experience.

I’m not sure if understanding more about WW1 aviation changes anything in the healing process, but it’s interesting. I need to see the rest of the episode however, as we were leaving the hospital during the first half.

Book Study: Right Riches for You Chapter 2 – Receiving part 1

Chapter two dives into the crux of the issue I think, which  has loads of subtopics within it. Receiving. Most of the people I know struggle with receiving, whether it is a compliment, a gift, or any contribution in the end. We, including myself, are givers. We’re helpers. We’re healers. The flow of energy is outward from us. To have the energy return, or to flow without any initial flow out from us (as in, not a reciprocation) is a foreign concept. Now, I’ve been working on this for a while now, and it isn’t getting much easier, so either I don’t really want to change it, or I’m missing something. So I expect to dive into this topic quite a bit until it finally changes.

It’s funny, this chapter is 4 pages, but each paragraph seems to be huge. That’s how all Access books are though. Super dense, though they look skinny at first glance.

The first concept brought up is abundance being more than money, but having more of everything in life. The areas we are abundant in are those areas we are willing to receive. So where am I willing to receive? Hmm… My life is pretty isolated. Part of that is the introversion. But, I really don’t let a lot in, unless I seek it out. Right now my largest joy is with this baby, and our family as it grows and changes. My wife is one of the very few people I let in very far. And we have worked through the issues around family together. So I think that’s where I’m most abundant, even within our little family. How would my life be if I allowed everything to truly contribute to me? That’s a big question! I’m not actually unhappy with most of my life. I feel very fulfilled with my spiritual and Jedi training/teaching. It’s the more mundane, with money, that I’m not happy with. But, those areas don’t necessarily require people directly contributing to me. And, in those instances I’m more open to receiving people and their ideas. Hmm…

The next paragraph continues with sharing the common element between all people with money issues, whether dirt poor or rich. “They are unable to receive, or there are things they don’t want to receive, or they don’t believe it is good to receive. It is what you are unwilling to receive in life that keeps you from having the money you would like to have.” There are plenty of things I’m still unwilling to receive. I believe I’ve gotten better this year, but there is still a lot. Note, being willing to receive doesn’t mean I have to take everything that comes. Never turn off awareness for some rule that someone gave you. One area I’m still working on is the concept of manipulation. In Access they talk about how, if you are unwilling to be a manipulator, you can’t recognize the energy of those manipulating you, and that’s why you become the ‘victim’ of manipulation. It doesn’t mean being a manipulator, but being willing to manipulate. Yet we’re taught manipulation is bad, and so it’s something I’m still working on. And in relation to money,  if I’m unwilling to manipulate to get money, that’s an unwillingness to receive other people’s manipulation which may actually make me money. See, manipulation can be a positive as well. It isn’t just about people screwing you over. Removing the judgements around concepts is going to be key at this point. So, everywhere I’ve judged manipulation as a wrongness, I destroy and uncreate it times a godzillion. Right wrong, good bad, pod poc, all 9, shorts, boys, and beyonds. (This is the clearing statement, with information found here:

Moving on, Gary states, “Most people are more comfortable with not having money than they are with having money. They seem to have the point of view that if you have a lot of money, it means you have stolen from somebody else, or you’ve used others badly, or you are totally depraved. So they will deprive themselves in order not to be depraved. They choose deprivation rather than depravity.” I make a reasonable amount of money. It’s right around that 6 figure mark before taxes and all that. But holding onto that money, not just spending it on indefinable things, that’s my challenge. It’s like I simultaneously create money, and then make sure I spend it so people don’t think I have too much money! Brilliant! And I’m not even around people to judge me for having money, so I judge myself as if they were here to judge. I see how silly that is, how insane it is. What will it take to change that, from the position I’m in right now? What will it take to finally get free of the judgement and stop making it real?

After reading this section (there are a few more paragraphs which I’ll dive into further later), I had a short conversation with David. Here it is, condensed and put into a logical order since it was over messenger.

Me: What will it take to not just be willing to receive but to actually receive?

David: Yea exactly. Or be in totally receiving of everything judging nothing?

Me: Yes

David: Cool

Me: Oh and thinking about the word delegate. That’s still pushing out for assistance. What if we ask questions instead. Who will contribute to this? It’s drawing in instead of pushing out. At least to me it’s allowing energy in. (This brought about the awareness above about the flow of energy always going out from me, rather than at least a balance of receiving and contributing.)

David: Or who or what will help generate or be generative of more money


I’ve only begun to unpack this, but it’s time to head home for the evening. Perhaps I will dig into it more tonight.

Book Study: Right Riches for You Chapter 1

David and I are working through this book, Right Riches for You, because we’re sick of our money issues. I mean, I’m now at the point where, just a year and a half after the credit cards had been zero’d out through a consolidation loan, I’m back to two maxed cards. Part of it isn’t my charging, but too much of it is, and I can’t ignore that. I can’t ignore the continually increasing expenses without understanding them and managing them. Especially not with a kid here in just three months.

This book is from the founder of Access Consciousness, Gary Douglas. I’m familiar enough with Access to be able to jump into it again without issue. I’m not sure that’s true for everyone, but I love the tools of Access and find them so helpful. This is a re-commitment to using them and getting through this now.

I started reading yesterday. The book opens with a question that I continually misunderstand. “What does money mean to you?” I don’t believe money solves problems. I keep answering the question with freedom, but in the book he specifically says money isn’t freedom. Freedom creates money, not the other way around. I realized that when I say freedom, I mean opportunity, which is something money provides. So there’s a language disconnect I need to work on. The more the energy matches the word, the easier it is to create.

Money means opportunity. The opportunity to choose without limitation (except anything else we put on it, limitation comes in many forms.)

Chapter 1 is pretty short, there’s a lot more to work through in chapter 2, starting with receiving. That may be a book unto itself.

25 Weeks

With so much going on I haven’t had a chance to update on Peanut and the appointments Friday.

Friday we met with the midwife first. We both got flu shots since it was best for my wife to also have the mercury free shot. She also got her Tdap, since she was due. We had a longish chat about that vaccine and whether I should take it when it’s time. My concern was mercury, but since there isn’t any mercury in it, I’ve agreed to do it. I think it’s my next appointment when that will be. The benefit is Peanut will develop some immunity that way, and since Colorado has a whooping cough issue due to the anti-vaccine folks, it’s a good idea to get her this. We remind everyone that we aren’t anti-vaccine, just trying to avoid ones known to have problems. That mercury is really a big one.

Then we had the discussion of doing the glucose text next month. I’ve heard there are alternatives to that nasty dye filled stuff, so I asked if I had an alternative. She asked what my concern was, and I said simply that it’s crap. lol She laughed and said we can get you the lemon lime one which doesn’t have any dye in it. I’m cool with that so readily agreed. She’s clearly heard these concerns before. ;-)

We took a listen to Peanut’s heartbeat. We had listened the past two nights anyway, so we weren’t worried. It took her longer to find Peanut, but I’m getting used to where she is now. Another strong heartbeat! She’s in the 145-155 range every time we check.

Finally I mentioned my concern over the muscle/tendon pain and she got me a maternity belt. Boy does that help! I’m sure Peanut would prefer to have more room, but she’ll cope. I like having less stress on those areas! And free is pretty awesome. This thing is quite long, but I discovered I can use the belly band over it and it holds it in place and covers up the whiteness. So, for those heading toward the third trimester, ask about these belts. They aren’t fancy, but they make a difference.

After all the poking and prodding we were off to the ultrasound. For the first time I had a man, but he was a gay man so that was less weird once we figured it out. Peanut was positioned weird, but she did let them check off the remaining things needed from the 20 week scan (all part of the genetics testing). We only got two pictures, but neither were that great. It wasn’t her fault though. It is getting tighter in there, and there were still plenty of solar flares which don’t encourage her to stretch out.

Overall everything looks good. She’s measuring right in the middle of where she should be. Her weight calculation went from the 77% to 36% though, which freaked us out! But the doctor explained that it’s fine. She’s doubled in weight from a month ago, nothing shows any issue, and even though 36% sounds low (we wouldn’t want that for a score in school), it’s perfectly healthy. It’s quite possible she has slowed down a bit in growth due to all the chaos of the solar storms and stuff. Also, there are massive error bars on all of these numbers. Two different techs can measure differently and get different results that add up quick with a tiny human. Long story short, my wife’s concern about her having dwarfism is eased, and we continue on! (I don’t know why she came up with the dwarfism, but pregnancy brings up weird fears!) This was the last ultrasound, unless I stop growing at an appropriate pace, or something else comes up.

As far as the non-appointment stuff goes, Peanut still loves her eggs and applesauce. I can feel her more and more often. She seems to be moving around in new ways which always feels interesting. She isn’t hurting me yet though, which is great. She has three moods: Settled, Unsettled, and Super Happy! On the drive back she got pissy, aka unsettled, when I turned off music for a bit to find something else. She’s such a music kid. She loves when my wife talks or reads to her. She loves the cats. She really loved the tiny beds this weekend because my wife and I were even closer to each other. She loves the cats. I don’t know, right now it seems like there isn’t much new happening. It’s this time of her growing, building up the organs she grew, learning to control her muscles, that sort of stuff. And for me, it is all about growing and adjusting to her growing. Oh! I’m up a total of 3 pounds from last month, bringing my grand total to 4 1/2 pounds or so for the total pregnancy. I need to work on eating more healthy snacks because I may not be getting quite all the calories I need for the two of us. Then again, she grew just fine with my minimal eating early, so I think it’s unrelated to her growth. Just general guidelines for going forward.

I noticed Saturday after my hike I was starving. I ate so much more this weekend than prior. I suspect it’s due to being in such a peaceful, settling place that I could eat more. I also exerted myself more than usual. It will be interesting to see if my appetite changes now, and if so, how well I can bring myself back to a similar state of peace so I can give my body what it needs.

Here are the pictures of the pictures for now.


Profile. That goofy looking thing by her nose is the umbilical chord in cross section. A lot of times it looked like smiley faces, which was awesome!


Turned toward us. You can see an eye and her nasal bone.


The raw data

Posted in Pregnancy. Tags: . 2 Comments »

Applying tools

This morning I had an immense amount of discomfort in my hips again, just like on Saturday. I put the seat heater on, but that had limited affect again. Maybe if the seats magically wrapped around me, but that doesn’t happen. Instead I started applying the lessons from yoga. First, by refusing to give into the discomfort mentally. That’s hard! I started focusing on any little improvement. I started to move, even if it looked ridiculous while driving. And while it wasn’t instant relief, there was change, and more and more relief. I did stretches as well, as best I could while driving as well. In the end, the discomfort eased off! I wouldn’t have tried half of what I did without that prenatal yoga class.

This reminds me also of last night, as my feet were hurting quite a bit from all the activity this weekend. I also noticed my heartburn was kicking up. A little chat with Lars reminded me of the energy contribution of heartburn, which occurs when the energy is pulling up and focused in the upper half of the body. Remembering that, and realizing that I was pulling my energy up and out of my feet to reduce the pain, I decided to embrace the discomfort. I consciously shifted my focus to draw the energy back down and out of my feet. It wasn’t instant relief, but I could feel a difference.

This shift is really important for me. It will help me be as ready as possible for birth, but it’s also quite beneficial to healing my body in general. It makes me stronger, mentally especially. Pain is such a distraction, so to shift the focus to handling the discomfort in different ways I can refocus on life.

As I enter the third trimester, I’ll get a lot of practice I’m sure!

Pictures from Shambhala Mountain Center

Here are the pictures I took this weekend.

From Buddha Point







Buddha has an awesome view!


Around the campus


Black Squirrel! I never heard of the black squirrels, but Lars mentioned it so I was excited to see this one the next day. I tried to get closer but it was tough.


I call them chipmunks. I don’t care if they are tiny squirrels. lol



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