After the exciting news from the genetics doctors, I came home to visitors. Not physical people in my home, but a line of beings who wanted to see me, the baby, and offer their well wishes. I suspect this is because Melody refused to tell ANYONE whether her body was male or female, so they were all waiting. I had three who were there to talk to me: grandpa Nollenberg, aunt Sally, and Susan. Now, throughout this I was very emotional because I tend to get that way with dead people. I wish I was able to handle it better, but it just happens. Even now I tear up. It’s a process.

My grandpa talked the most. I don’t remember a lot of distinct memories with him. He was quiet, like I was. But he told me a lot of things. I’ll try to remember it all.

His most important message was for me to break the cycle in the family. To hug my kids every day, because I love them. Not to make up for something and prove I love them for show. Just because I love them. Show them, tell them, just love my kids. Raise a strong daughter, who stands up for herself. I had already planned on doing this, but it was important for him to pass that along. The rest was just general information. He talked about how he knew I was special, that I was sensitive. I would sit near him and just sit quietly while everyone else was being loud. He remembers sitting outside while people picked strawberries. Just sitting. I wouldn’t pick them, just wait until the bucket was brought over and then ate them. I wish I remembered that myself. I told him how I really loved being outside watching the lightning bugs, which he liked too. He wishes he could have done more for us, but by the time my generation came around his body was broken, his marriage was broken, his heart was kinda broken. Thinking back, I don’t have any expectations of him though. I mean, he was just kinda old. I never had active grandparents, so I didn’t expect anything. lol And as a quiet child, I don’t think I really minded. Even as he was older and sick, he liked that I would leave the loud folks wherever they were and just sit in the room with him. I didn’t know that mattered to him. I had to ask him a random question though. Growing up, grandma made what we called seafoam candy. But I don’t know what other people call it, so can’t figure out what it was. It looked kinda like meringue, but was much sweeter and denser. My best guess is it’s a home made version of divinity, but we weren’t doing pecans and stuff, and we had different colors. Anyway, I asked him if he knew what anyone else called it and he said no. I had to laugh. :-) A few other things he mentioned were that nothing is holding him here, he didn’t want me worrying about that. He’ll go home soon. I hope part of him will be present for the blessing after Melody is born, but I don’t think that means he can’t go home first. He also said to not hate my grandma (which I don’t) because it won’t help. I said it would be easier if she didn’t do bad things still. He said something about his marriage would have been happier if he could get her to stop doing bad things too. lol But he did love her dearly. And I don’t hate her, I just don’t like how she treats people, especially my mom. He didn’t know that I didn’t hate her though, so he wanted me to know that I shouldn’t. :-)  Finally, I asked if he knew that my brother missed him. He laughed and shared a memory of him running in circles outside, just smiling and having fun, and grandpa just smiling and watching him. My brother was not the quiet, sitting type. ;-) He said that my brother will be fine, and what he needs to change is his. He already broke the cycle with his kids, as he hugs them and stuff. The things I need to focus on are entirely breaking this cycle. And at the beginning and end, he touched my arm. The first time I felt like he was touching me. The second time it was like my energy reached out to him. Don’t know why, just interesting. As a side note, my grandpa visited about a week ago as well, but didn’t pass along much of the message due to time. He came to me in my dream, which was so awesome. He wanted to know where my wife was so she could translate for him, but I could hear him just fine in the dream. lol Once I woke up and asked the guides passed on the most important message, to love my children and hug them and don’t repeat his mistakes. There are plenty of other things he said while visiting, but those are rather private for my mom and not for a public blog.

Then it was Sally’s turn. She’s been dead longer, which is maybe why she had more energy available than grandpa. She didn’t have as much to say. She talked about needing to leave when she did because she couldn’t watch her family disintegrate in the coming years. I think a lot of people think she held the family together, but I guess that’s not true, because it would have happened with her there as well. She said that like grandpa, we didn’t have an obviously close relationship, but we were very similar. We were special in a family of non-special people. We are deeply kind in a family that isn’t. (Not that they aren’t capable of kindness, but it isn’t on the same level and it’s hard to describe.) She said as a baby she liked to just hold me and look in my eyes, and I would look right back and her, not even blinking. She said that I was too special for my body to handle, that I knew too much and that’s the best theory we have as to why my brain is the way it is. I feel like I’m forgetting something, but I don’t know what. She will be at the blessing, she wants to see this through, but I believe she’ll be passing on more fully after that. Before she left, she asked to touch my stomach. And where I had to focus to notice the energy change from grandpa, she almost made my choke on my kleenex! My stomach was borderline hot! It was very intense.

And finally, Susan. She didn’t have a ton to say, but she mentioned how, the short time we spent together meant a lot to her. It brought her happiness when she didn’t think she would find it again. And part of her is still sad that she never got to be a mother, as her child died with her when 7 months pregnant. She asked if she could stick around for a while and be a guardian for Melody, almost a literal Godmother, being that she’s a lot closer to God now. hahaha I said yes, of course. I would never turn her down, and I think their energies are going to match well. To me, they both feel like sunshine.

If I remember some more things later, I will likely just edit this post for my own records.

I just had this realization. This experience makes me cry because these are three of very few people who got me, at a time when I didn’t get myself. So few people seem to do that, and then of those, so many are dead. And that really sucks. I mean, why couldn’t I at least know they got me while they were alive? That’s kinda fucked up! lol

Now that I’ve written all this, and cried, I feel better. Maybe I needed to get why they mattered when it didn’t seem like I had that many memories of them. At least the experience is similar for them, that their memories are of quiet time. Interesting either way. And I am grateful for their visit. I look forward to seeing them and many more at the blessing.


Oh, and the other visitors were the silent type. Upper level guides that I have yet to meet, those types. :-)

And it’s a….

Melody Announcement

Thanks to the wonders of genetic testing, we are able to know sex with 99% accuracy in week 12. Ah, science. :-) Peanut has a name!

11 weeks 5 days

We opted for the newer MaterniT21 genetics testing. I agreed because I wanted a good ultrasound, and my wife would relax about chromosonal issues. We’ll find out later how much it cost. ;-)

Here are the awesome pictures. Peanut was well behaved, letting the ultrasound tech get all the pictures she needed, including measuring the millimeter of fluid under the skin (the thin dark line along the spine) and seeing the brain, along with fingers and toes! Everything looks great so far.


This first picture shows toes! The weird long thing coming out of the face is actually a hand.

peanut 11w5d toes

This profile shot gives you one view of the fluid between the skin.

peanut 11w5d right profile


This shows the legs, which are squished up like frog legs.

peanut 11w5d legs

This shows the other side of the baby.

peanut 11w5d profile

This one amuses me because the hand looks like a bear claw and like it’s wearing a little baseball cap. hahaha

peanut 11w5d 2


But this is clearly the best. A perfect little profile, a little nose, and all five fingers. Pretty awesome for an early ultrasound!

peanut 11w5d

Pregnancy, Emotions, and Being a Jedi

As emotions go, I find that everything is amplified. When something frustrates me, I am more frustrated than normal. Anger can easily get to the level of detectable blood pressure increase and buzziness in my head. This is not normal for me. This weekend at the symphony I was frustrated with someone who insisted on talking during the beginning of EVERY SINGLE PIECE. lol Seriously, I was waiting for intermission (that never came) to either talk to them or report them. But in the wait I was trying to let go of it, so I could still enjoy the show. It was so challenging. So on the way home I wondered if more meditation would help, or if I needed a different practice. I asked the guides and while they didn’t say yes or no, they reiterated that I’m PREGNANT! A lot of this is truly outside of my control. No amount of meditation will change that hormones completely change emotional responses to life. Though they will get back to me soon about a training plan for some other aspects, and they reminded me to try to slow down and take a breath to reduce how these emotions ramp up.
I’m generally ok with this answer/explanation, but what concerns me is, in a community dominated by men or people who have no clue what happens during pregnancy (including myself before I became pregnant), my lack of control is going to be seen as a problem with training, rather than an understanding of things being outside my control. That’s one reason I’m writing this up, because if there was something I could do about it, guides are the first people to say something.

I’m sure there are times when even men have some health changes, sometimes hormonal, that simply make emotional management out of their control. At least to some extent. Not that we shouldn’t try. I continue to apply my tools, and did throughout the symphony. On the outside, no one knew except when I tried to silence the person with a look. ;-) But on the inside I knew I was struggling and didn’t want to be.

On the plus side, my coworker said I’m doing really well. I am very aware that I’m pissy, for instance, whereas she didn’t see it and would get angry if someone mentioned it to her. Sometimes it helps to be reminded of how non-Jedi handle (or don’t handle) this process as well. :-)

The unexpected symptom

It’s sad that I can just say “my breasts itch” in the title because that will get me a ton of spam and creepers. Though it may not matter. lol

One thing I haven’t read anywhere is that, as the breasts get larger, if you are already pretty ‘full’, the stretching makes the skin itch. It’s more annoying because I’ve had some itching for months, I think because of the fertility treatment. I’m actually thinking I should get some cream to prevent stretch marks at this point. Any other mothers notice this? It might be something that affects those on the larger end, but who knows. I just know it’s weird.

I don’t really get this swelling thing anyway. How is there room for milk if everything is all huge now? Bodies are weird.

Week 11 – The Midwife

Today we met with our first midwife. We could have any of them, so we’re likely to have various ones from the practice. Overall she was nice. Nothing weird. ;-) I got to skip the pelvic because it’s only been 8 months. We tried the doppler, but as at home, we couldn’t find it. I think it’s because I was saying ‘don’t hear anything’ in my head so we could get an ultrasound. ;-) Carrie said the feeling she got during was of peanut moving away from it, ‘saying’ “leave me alone” or “stay away”. That meant we got an ultrasound. It was a poor quality one, but we were able to see peanut move around real good. Hands and feet and a big head. And then, peanut jumped! Carrie got this feeling of “I love you, I love you, did you see what I did?” This kid is so awesome! That made Carrie cry, because she tends to do that during things like ultrasounds. lol We didn’t get any pictures though. The phone wouldn’t focus on the screen, and it wouldn’t print. The quality was really blurry though so it’s ok.

Since I’m 35 quickly heading to 36 I have the option of seeing the genetic testing folks for a more thorough test. It’s a more accurate test, which makes me feel better. No one needs the stress of false positives. Even better, they’ll do a much better ultrasound. We’re waiting on a phone call from them, but it’s likely I can get in next week already.

The next appointment is in a month, and the next ultrasound will be week 20 for gender. They took a ton of blood today, and each month the only real blood will be checking my thyroid until month 7 apparently.

So right now, all is well. Happy baby. Looks healthy. Peanut keeps giving energy when the cats or Carrie are nearby. I get a lot more hugs from the cats now because they want a baby hug. I’ll totally take it though. :-)

The last two days I’ve had a lot less nausea and have been able to eat more often. Yesterday I was stoked to have my egg sandwich in the morning, with my goat cheese and a little smoked ham. I hit lots of food groups! And I was able to have lunch too. Today I had cereal, so finally some dairy. And then, I remembered the joy of my bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit at Jack in the Box so I got to have that since it’s close to the doctor. It was sooooo good! My stomach is a bit icky right now, but not horrible. I need to eat something different is all.

I also finally had one night of dream free sleep. I was seriously getting pissed off about it. It’s picking up again, but I can’t explain how annoying these dreams are. They aren’t scary (usually), just boring as hell and make me feel like I’m never sleeping. I think getting so pissed off is what stopped them for a day. Maybe I need to get pissed off again. lol

I’ll try to update a little more often. I think my energy is perhaps bouncing back. Maybe. That will make it easier.

Week 10

Wow, stress just crashed down around me starting last night. All while my body kicked up organ pain again. Fun fun. I’ve decided not to talk about one issue because it involved too many medications (on accident) and then driving while impaired, which is illegal. Talk about making us very unhappy. And then today work continues to be troubling. I’ve been ‘almost done’ with a project for two days now. And I’m still not quite done. :-P And I got emails involving stupidity first thing in the morning, which adds to the frustration. All before dealing with other family drama that is not their fault in any way, shape, or form. So I was getting money to them asap today so they had food and things needed for a birthday party. I mean, when a 2 year old says she wants tacos and ponies for her birthday, you need to provide. That kid cracks me up!

1. Organs

My kidneys are unhappy. It’s not horrible, but it’s a throbbing pain at times, which is distracting. I’m not sure why it happens at this point, but it’s ok.

2. Fatigue

I keep flipping between exhaustion and then insomnia which contributes to the cycle. I’m hoping it improves soon. On the plus side, I had a macchiato today! That made work bearable.

3. Nausea

In the day things are better, I think. The evenings are still challenging. and I’m still eating about half or less of normal. I look forward to the 2nd trimester. Apparently I should get energy then. Or that’s the rumor. ;-)


Today I received an organic onesie from Hudson Baby. It was super cheap and I wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to be crappy before putting more on our registry. I love it! Soft, and cute. If you’re looking for affordable organic baby clothes, I recommend this brand.

We’ve narrowed down our window for a baby shower. Due to a lack of vacation time, we’re going to do it during the Christmas/New Year holiday. That gives me 3 free vacation days. It’s only about a month before my due date, but we’ll figure it out. We’re going to do two of them. The main one back home with family and old friends, and then a small one with Chicago Jedi friends. And we’ll help my wife’s cousin with gas so they can drive up from southern Indiana. They’re the only people we want to see from the area and it saves us a ton of driving. Hopefully it will be fun this way, and manageable. We expect Carrie to be healed enough to do some interstate driving as well, which helps. I expect many stops for pee. As long as the weather holds we’ll be fine. Thankfully we have all sorts of traction control and crap, and tons of cargo space. And since we have most of the big stuff already, we should easily be able to pack everything, especially with my mom’s brilliant packing skills. She’s truly impressive. :-)

I guess that’s it for developments. I’m going to pick up a cheap doppler so when my parents are around next month they can hear it. And, i think it will be fun for me too. Carrie can feel the baby, but I don’t feel it as strong. I certainly don’t feel it moving like she does. And since there are models that are under $50, I think it’s worth it. I’m still debating about models, and whether we’d hear yet. I’ll probably buy one soon. Or now. haha


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