Workout and reacting to energy

Tonight did 30 minutes of cardio.
5 min walk
9 min run
5 min walk
6 min run
5 min walk

During the last 4 minutes of my run 4 people came in. My chest started getting tight. I tried clearing it. And staying calm because it’s a quite way to induce panic, feeling the chest tighten. I yelled in my head for my guide because i’ve never felt this before when others were in the fitness center. Turns out my shields drop when I run to take everything in. At least one of the people wasn’t a good person and was projecting that energy, which hit me pretty hard with less shielding.

Not fun. It pissed me off. But it’s a lesson. I’m not sure how to best handle it. And typing on my phone is slow. So, time for bed.

Dream: Germany

Just had another dream where I went to Germany. This time I was to visit a cousin there. I arrived to a place in the woods that had to be walked into. There were houses but also all these tree forts. Like the kids all had their own places to hang out. Once at the house it was fairly normal for a dream I guess. Lots of older people were around that I didn’t know. The house was very large and felt old.

I woke up and wondered if I’m going to Germany in my dreams to find a Jedi friend there. He’s been on vacation during the time I’ve had two dreams. It’s also my ancestral heritage (this lifetime at least). Or it could be nothing at all. Lol

Awareness about sensing

I just had a moment of awareness that I want to write down before I forget it. I was walking with my eyes closed like I always do when I leave the building because the sun is bright. I try to reach out and sense when I’m getting closer to parking garage so I could walk there completely blind. But I don’t get any sensations back that I can consciously understand. But I still try it and noticed today as my body made corrections though I can’t see. That’s when I realized I’m thinking about this all wrong. I’m still trying to do this from my mind. Instead I should trust my body to have the awareness of where it’s going and where wants to go. When given the opportunity the body will protect itself. If I can truly let go and trust my body and its awareness then I should be able to walk around blindfolded even without the ability to consciously sense anything.

Now I need to find a way to test this safely.

Quick updates on food and health

Another speed update, as it’s late. Today I had a good day with food. Carrie gave me some simple advice which allowed me to make excellent pancakes. The key was using less batter so they didn’t get so thick. Carrie was very happy with them, which is really all that matters (assuming of course that I enjoy them lol). Then for lunch I made hamburgers which you’d think are straight forward. But I used nolan ryan ground beef, which is a better quality than the normal stuff in the store. I used the red romaine lettuce from the farmers market, our favorite pickles, and tomatoes grown on our porch, with a slice of her favorite cheese. To top it off I presented it so it looked pretty. She loved it! She even mentioned presentation. It helps to watch those shows and occasionally listen to what she has to say when we watch them.  Two simple meals, all with food we had in the house, and I feel great! The only food I bought was popcorn and a drink at target because I felt snacky and didn’t want to buy extra food because of it. And since it was only $2 I didn’t break my budget.

This matters because we’ve yet again spent way too much on food when we have a house full of food. So I’m challenging us to eat what we already have, and buy minimal ingredients if we have something specific in mind. It’s the only way to control our budget, as it takes up the most (besides the bills we can’t control).

Tonight I ran out of time to make food for tomorrow, so we’ll just plan to have sandwiches. Tomorrow night I’ll make a pasta sauce with the tomatoes I have left from the farmer’s market. The ones I got last week were amazing. I love the tomato people there. And I keep buying eggs from the same guy. It seems if I let the eggs get about 2 weeks old they finally peel well for hard cooked. I make a half dozen on sunday night and make egg salad. That’s my breakfast for the week. I’m still not sick of it and it’s quite tasty. I get a nice little bit of protein and don’t take in sugar which makes my stomach happy. I just need to take beano with it since my stomach doesn’t digest it well otherwise.

I started taking digestive enzymes and it’s hard to tell how well they’re working because my heartburn was so bad when I started taking them. Things seem to be getting better, hopefully it’s more clear before I have to order more. I trust the concept, but don’t know if I should change brands. At this point I’m taking a ton of supplements, but many of them require a high dosage, like the fish oil or vitamin C to do what I want them to do. FYI, Fish oil needs to be 2500 mg to have anti-inflammatory affects. I’m taking that for my fascia pain. And extended release vitamin C, at dosages of 4000-6000mg is a very good anti-histamine. I was told to take it as part of my allergy drop treatments. It has helped once I reached 4000mg. It’s a real challenge to take that much, the pills are huge, but necessary.

Apparently I keep traveling in my sleep. I had a weird dream saturday morning where I was waiting for a plane with Ziva from NCIS. lol And then I ended up in Germany, except nothing about it seemed like Germany. I really need to stop traveling and start sleeping more. I keep waking up many times in the night, though that might be because of temperature. We switched mattress liners and one is very hot so I keep waking up sweating. I changed it back out tonight and look forward to a cooler night’s sleep.

I’m not going to be around much this week as it’s my last week before someone starts bugging me for my presentation at work. I’ll be working late except for when I come home to make dinner or go to the chiropractor. I worked a few hours saturday and made some progress, but ultimately have a problem that I need an expert to help me with. Thankfully I have an appointment with one tomorrow afternoon. I’m praying he says that overall what I did is fine, and he can help me figure out the easiest way to fix my problems. Then it’s time to start ticking off all the little things I need to do to make the presentation decent. I expect to work next weekend some as well, though if I’m lucky I’ll simply be tweaking the presentation and practicing it.

Oh, and on Friday I met a student that I’ve been working with for a while. She was here with her new husband visiting his grandma. We all went to eat at a tex-mex restaurant. I had a lot of fun thanks to his grandma who is hilarious. My student was in a good mood, and we got to joke about her pregnancy. Her husband is getting stationed at Great Lakes north of Chicago so hopefully she’ll hook up with the Chicago Jedi group.

Ok, time to get ready for bed. Lots to do before hopefully being in bed by midnight.

What to wear?

I have a dilemma. Besides learning how to spell that word (for some reason I always want to make it dilemna which makes no sense). I have a formal presentation coming up for work. It should be business dress. I understand what that means for ‘normal’ people. I don’t know what that means for me. Also, since I don’t have a reason to wear business clothes except once every few years, I don’t want to spend a lot of money on it. Add to that my complete lack of interest in clothes, I don’t really know where to start. This is where my wife steps in, if she is feeling good enough to brave the men’s store with me. It doesn’t freak her out at all, but it triggers anxiety of judgment in me which I haven’t had to deal with since I was interviewing for this job and needed to buy clothes. That was a bit less official than this though. I think the presidents want to make sure we can clean up nice for a big client, even if we’ll never have to do it.

I know there are plenty of butches that have no problem with this. And in some ways, with normal strangers, it’s less of an issue. But I don’t want to make people uncomfortable with my gender expression since that potentially can impact my feedback and thus my raise. I know I have tools that I will keep using to reduce the anxiety and overthinking. But I still need someone to dress me. Especially if the sales person isn’t very helpful. It can’t be that uncommon to have women shopping in the men’s stores right? In theory I should be able to find this information out too. But I’m not in any way connected to the lesbian scene. I don’t drink, don’t dance, don’t party, and really don’t go out at all. So I have no clue.

In the end, I don’t know how I want to present myself because I don’t know what would even look good on me. This is where I think the andro folks have the advantage. If you already have a more masculine body it’s easier to just pick stuff. But if you have to deal with a chest and hips, and don’t want to wear women’s clothing, it’s a lot harder. Add to that being short and it’s super fun. Basically, this is just me saying I have no idea what I’m going to do and I have to have it figured out by mid May so I know it’s tailored in time.

Meeting guides and confirmation

Last night I made the effort to SLOW DOWN! Life feels very pressing right now due to time crunches at work and not knowing anything about the baby stuff. Since Carrie was asleep already and didn’t have anything playing on the computer I took advantage of the quiet to try to find some of my own. At first my brain was very busy. I thought back to being 17, camping with my best friend Megan in northern Wisconsin. I had recently found the only online Jedi information which taught how to breathe and meditate (this was 1996) which is where the connection was with the moment, as I was refocusing on my breathing for perhaps the first time in days. Then my brain went to wondering if it was weird to go camping with a friend (it shouldn’t be, at least) and if she wondered once I came out if I was interested in her (I have no clue if she wondered, at at this point it’s irrelevant.) See, monkey mind. I put a stop to that and slowly tried to quiet the mind. I remember doing a clearing statement, I think about negativity I was experiencing with those monkey mind thoughts. Then I decided to give it something to do – expand.

Expansion is a simple technique that Gary Douglas teaches in Access. He describes it as trying to feel your edge. Just keep looking for where you aren’t and before you know it, you’ve filled the entire Universe. I learned it by imagining taking up larger and larger space – the room, the city, the state, the world, the solar system, etc. In any case, last night I felt it quite strongly and it felt really good. I felt like I was moving with more speed, power, and energy than before. I wonder if it helped that I was healing Carrie’s shoulder earlier (and many times in the past few days)? In any case, it was neat.

Once expanded I chose to focus on drawing energy about the baby situation, since that’s most pressing on my mind. I imagined the baby before me and drew in energy relating to receiving it. Almost immediately I felt like I had a group of people in front of me, just out of reach, but reaching out their hands to me. It was as if they were saying, we’re here! I felt a little closed in, yet expanded, but to be sure I expanded again. Every time I tried to draw in the energy that wall of beings was there. I’ve never experienced anything like it. Normally drawing in energy is a simple sensation of, well, drawing in these currents of energy, which are drawn through you (never stopping in you as energy has to flow). The message, and Carrie agrees, is that everything is ok. Everyone is there to help and it will come. And since they were all in front of me they are coming in the future, and soon. They were really close. Once again, I must remain patient and relax.

After this I called for my guides, since it’s been ages since I last talked to them (at them?). I rambled a little, trying to voice my concerns. But I was also distracted because I felt them, their movements as well as their energy. As I was trying to voice my question I felt and ‘saw’ the energy sit down, like it was settling in. I do tend to ramble so this isn’t illogical. I asked, ultimately, about the baby thing, but I don’t even remember the exact question anymore. I just remember the experience. I remember feeling like they were pressing in closer and closer until I was inside the energy. It’s a weird sort of pressure, but not scary. And I’m sure that will change as they learn how close and intense to be as my sensitivity increases. In the end the message is to stop worrying, everything is ok, just keep going. But wow, what an experience!

Searching

I’m going to edit this later but want to get a few quick thoughts down while I remember. This morning I was woke up and told to stop bouncing around. Apparently I am traveling while I’m sleeping very ineffectively like a pinball just bouncing from here and there. Or worse a pool cue because I’m bouncing into people which can knock them off their equilibrium. Last night apparently I was looking for the baby. Today I tried to take a quick nap because I was feeling a little off. During my nap I went to Colorado and tried to find things that felt like home. And then I had sleep paralysis which felt like it lasted for ever and was not fun at all. Any energy I may have gained by any a little bit of sleep I think was burnt up and then some.

I’m going to work on these underlying reasons for why I’m searching instead of sleeping, and hopefully that will mean I don’t have to set my intention so strongly before I fall asleep. I really need some good sleep.