Pregnancy, Emotions, and Being a Jedi

As emotions go, I find that everything is amplified. When something frustrates me, I am more frustrated than normal. Anger can easily get to the level of detectable blood pressure increase and buzziness in my head. This is not normal for me. This weekend at the symphony I was frustrated with someone who insisted on talking during the beginning of EVERY SINGLE PIECE. lol Seriously, I was waiting for intermission (that never came) to either talk to them or report them. But in the wait I was trying to let go of it, so I could still enjoy the show. It was so challenging. So on the way home I wondered if more meditation would help, or if I needed a different practice. I asked the guides and while they didn’t say yes or no, they reiterated that I’m PREGNANT! A lot of this is truly outside of my control. No amount of meditation will change that hormones completely change emotional responses to life. Though they will get back to me soon about a training plan for some other aspects, and they reminded me to try to slow down and take a breath to reduce how these emotions ramp up.
I’m generally ok with this answer/explanation, but what concerns me is, in a community dominated by men or people who have no clue what happens during pregnancy (including myself before I became pregnant), my lack of control is going to be seen as a problem with training, rather than an understanding of things being outside my control. That’s one reason I’m writing this up, because if there was something I could do about it, guides are the first people to say something.

I’m sure there are times when even men have some health changes, sometimes hormonal, that simply make emotional management out of their control. At least to some extent. Not that we shouldn’t try. I continue to apply my tools, and did throughout the symphony. On the outside, no one knew except when I tried to silence the person with a look. ;-) But on the inside I knew I was struggling and didn’t want to be.

On the plus side, my coworker said I’m doing really well. I am very aware that I’m pissy, for instance, whereas she didn’t see it and would get angry if someone mentioned it to her. Sometimes it helps to be reminded of how non-Jedi handle (or don’t handle) this process as well. :-)

The unexpected symptom

It’s sad that I can just say “my breasts itch” in the title because that will get me a ton of spam and creepers. Though it may not matter. lol

One thing I haven’t read anywhere is that, as the breasts get larger, if you are already pretty ‘full’, the stretching makes the skin itch. It’s more annoying because I’ve had some itching for months, I think because of the fertility treatment. I’m actually thinking I should get some cream to prevent stretch marks at this point. Any other mothers notice this? It might be something that affects those on the larger end, but who knows. I just know it’s weird.

I don’t really get this swelling thing anyway. How is there room for milk if everything is all huge now? Bodies are weird.

Week 11 – The Midwife

Today we met with our first midwife. We could have any of them, so we’re likely to have various ones from the practice. Overall she was nice. Nothing weird. ;-) I got to skip the pelvic because it’s only been 8 months. We tried the doppler, but as at home, we couldn’t find it. I think it’s because I was saying ‘don’t hear anything’ in my head so we could get an ultrasound. ;-) Carrie said the feeling she got during was of peanut moving away from it, ‘saying’ “leave me alone” or “stay away”. That meant we got an ultrasound. It was a poor quality one, but we were able to see peanut move around real good. Hands and feet and a big head. And then, peanut jumped! Carrie got this feeling of “I love you, I love you, did you see what I did?” This kid is so awesome! That made Carrie cry, because she tends to do that during things like ultrasounds. lol We didn’t get any pictures though. The phone wouldn’t focus on the screen, and it wouldn’t print. The quality was really blurry though so it’s ok.

Since I’m 35 quickly heading to 36 I have the option of seeing the genetic testing folks for a more thorough test. It’s a more accurate test, which makes me feel better. No one needs the stress of false positives. Even better, they’ll do a much better ultrasound. We’re waiting on a phone call from them, but it’s likely I can get in next week already.

The next appointment is in a month, and the next ultrasound will be week 20 for gender. They took a ton of blood today, and each month the only real blood will be checking my thyroid until month 7 apparently.

So right now, all is well. Happy baby. Looks healthy. Peanut keeps giving energy when the cats or Carrie are nearby. I get a lot more hugs from the cats now because they want a baby hug. I’ll totally take it though. :-)

The last two days I’ve had a lot less nausea and have been able to eat more often. Yesterday I was stoked to have my egg sandwich in the morning, with my goat cheese and a little smoked ham. I hit lots of food groups! And I was able to have lunch too. Today I had cereal, so finally some dairy. And then, I remembered the joy of my bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit at Jack in the Box so I got to have that since it’s close to the doctor. It was sooooo good! My stomach is a bit icky right now, but not horrible. I need to eat something different is all.

I also finally had one night of dream free sleep. I was seriously getting pissed off about it. It’s picking up again, but I can’t explain how annoying these dreams are. They aren’t scary (usually), just boring as hell and make me feel like I’m never sleeping. I think getting so pissed off is what stopped them for a day. Maybe I need to get pissed off again. lol

I’ll try to update a little more often. I think my energy is perhaps bouncing back. Maybe. That will make it easier.

Week 10

Wow, stress just crashed down around me starting last night. All while my body kicked up organ pain again. Fun fun. I’ve decided not to talk about one issue because it involved too many medications (on accident) and then driving while impaired, which is illegal. Talk about making us very unhappy. And then today work continues to be troubling. I’ve been ‘almost done’ with a project for two days now. And I’m still not quite done. :-P And I got emails involving stupidity first thing in the morning, which adds to the frustration. All before dealing with other family drama that is not their fault in any way, shape, or form. So I was getting money to them asap today so they had food and things needed for a birthday party. I mean, when a 2 year old says she wants tacos and ponies for her birthday, you need to provide. That kid cracks me up!

1. Organs

My kidneys are unhappy. It’s not horrible, but it’s a throbbing pain at times, which is distracting. I’m not sure why it happens at this point, but it’s ok.

2. Fatigue

I keep flipping between exhaustion and then insomnia which contributes to the cycle. I’m hoping it improves soon. On the plus side, I had a macchiato today! That made work bearable.

3. Nausea

In the day things are better, I think. The evenings are still challenging. and I’m still eating about half or less of normal. I look forward to the 2nd trimester. Apparently I should get energy then. Or that’s the rumor. ;-)


Today I received an organic onesie from Hudson Baby. It was super cheap and I wanted to make sure it wasn’t going to be crappy before putting more on our registry. I love it! Soft, and cute. If you’re looking for affordable organic baby clothes, I recommend this brand.

We’ve narrowed down our window for a baby shower. Due to a lack of vacation time, we’re going to do it during the Christmas/New Year holiday. That gives me 3 free vacation days. It’s only about a month before my due date, but we’ll figure it out. We’re going to do two of them. The main one back home with family and old friends, and then a small one with Chicago Jedi friends. And we’ll help my wife’s cousin with gas so they can drive up from southern Indiana. They’re the only people we want to see from the area and it saves us a ton of driving. Hopefully it will be fun this way, and manageable. We expect Carrie to be healed enough to do some interstate driving as well, which helps. I expect many stops for pee. As long as the weather holds we’ll be fine. Thankfully we have all sorts of traction control and crap, and tons of cargo space. And since we have most of the big stuff already, we should easily be able to pack everything, especially with my mom’s brilliant packing skills. She’s truly impressive. :-)

I guess that’s it for developments. I’m going to pick up a cheap doppler so when my parents are around next month they can hear it. And, i think it will be fun for me too. Carrie can feel the baby, but I don’t feel it as strong. I certainly don’t feel it moving like she does. And since there are models that are under $50, I think it’s worth it. I’m still debating about models, and whether we’d hear yet. I’ll probably buy one soon. Or now. haha

Riding it out

For me this first trimester is filled with ups and downs. I’ll have a few good days, like Wednesday through Friday, where I can eat reasonably and do a few things. Like cook a simple meal or play some drums. And then I’ll have harder days, where I have to eat simpler food and am too tired to do much. For instance, yesterday I ate a bunch of tots. Today was chicken stove top. But then my body said I could eat cereal which was awesome. lol It’s the simple things.

I’m quite exhausted today. I think I used all my energy up just going to the farmer’s market and donut shop for my wife. I have some great fruit to show for the effort though, and a variety of squash that I hope I can turn into a nice little sautee with some herbs. But the thought of standing up and someone something that long keeps me in the chair. hahaha

Thankfully I got some good cleaning done after the concert due to a walkthrough that never happened, so I can sit around and not feel too bad about it. Maybe next weekend will be better.

8 weeks 5 days

In the past few days, things have been better overall. Except for this morning when I got a little overconfident and took too many pills before eating. My body took control and said ‘no way’. I was sad to lose the very delicious plum I had. But I survived with a few stomach cramps. Otherwise, I’ve been eating better and feeling more comfortable in general.

Yesterday I got a call from University of Colorado hospital. They set up my appointment for July 17th, which will be week 11. They asked if I wanted a midwife or doctor. I had to decide on the fly and went with the midwife. I haven’t had any complications, and don’t expect any. Hopefully they set me up with a good one, but if not I’ll switch people. It’s not worth it to have someone I’m uncomfortable with. Being butch and pregnant is going to be challenging enough, I can’t add an unaccepting midwife to the mix.

I’m finding sleep to be challenging. Is anyone else feeling like they have restless muscles at night, and that their hips are a little uncomfortable? It’s making it rather hard to get to sleep. I know that will improve with more stretching. And then I forget, or start running late on time, and just do a little stretching. It will help to see the chiropractor as well. I know my hips are out of alignment at this point. I can’t get in to see him until the 7th though.

Tomorrow night is Sarah McLachlan, unless my wife’s headache gets worse. She’s been in the ER twice for migraines and that’s not fun. Either way, I’m taking thursday off, so I have two extra days to work on the house and whatever else I want to do. I’m frustrated with the clutter and want to get more done. Since I tend to get tired I don’t get as much time in a day to tackle it. For the slower times I enjoy some Star Wars: The Old Republic. :-) I’d rather be playing that than waiting to see if my job at work is correct or not so I can get everything else running. But, that’s the way it goes. I can survive without much to do at work. ;-)

Choosing providers

It turns out, my preferred provider doesn’t take VA payments, even though they’re the same as medicare, which they do take. Interesting. But, it is what it is. They gave me three examples that they’ve worked with before. One turned out to have bad reviews. The other two are decent hospitals. I decided to go with the closer of the two, which is the University of Colorado Hospital. If this doesn’t work out, I can always switch. Hopefully I’ll remain low risk enough to convince them of a water birth. It sounds much gentler than the other options, and I already have painful hips and back. They have midwife options which is nice. I assume I’ll get an appointment in a week or two and see how it goes.

I also tried to submit paperwork for HR. Holy crap do they make it annoying and confusing. I really dislike dealing with HR. It’s always a cluster fuck. But, I emailed, explained why their form was impossible, and will hopefully hear from them tomorrow. They don’t give me the extra day of sick time a month until I get the form in, and I want that time. I can use it for half day appointments, or even take the whole day and enjoy the time off. But I want those times!

Today, nausea was better. It hit while making breakfast, but I laid back in bed with a preggie pop and was able to eat my egg sandwich on the way to work. For lunch I ate my fill of indian. Of course, my fill is a lot less than before. I ate about a third of what I’d normally eat. This is why I haven’t gained any weight. lol I might be able to eat it tomorrow, I should probably put it in the fridge. (silly me)

I also noticed I was clear headed finally for a good part of the day. Perhaps it is getting more sleep, even if it is interrupted sleep. Hopefully I’ll get more sleep tonight as well. I’d really like more sleep. I miss it.

Finally, I learned about Belly Bliss today, which has prenatal yoga among many other things. I’ll check it out as soon as I have the energy to. Anyone have experience going there?


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